Lockdown: how couples can cope together
Over the course of your lives as a couple, you’ll probably go through lots of stressful situations together. Many of these will be things that only happen to one of you, like getting ill or having a tough time at work. In those times, the other partner might step up and offer support. But, as we all move through the phases of a global event, we have found ourselves facing something that affects everyone – that alone can be a lot to deal with, and it may kick off lots of difficult thoughts and feelings. As a couple, it can be hard to know how to cope. What does this mean to each of you as individuals? How should you support each other? What if you both need support at the same time? We’re all dealing with this in our own ways. You and your partner may have different ways of coping, and you may need different types of support at different times. Coping with stress together Stress happens when we feel unable to cope with the things we need to do. It’s like a balancing act – when you’re feeling strong and energised, you can cope with all that life throws at you. But, if you’re feeling worried and tired, even an average day can be overwhelming [1]. Having a supportive partner can help you feel more in control of things. When you and your partner support each other well, you might find you’re both better at coping with – and moving on from – stressful situations [2] [3]. Many couples and families are finding themselves in lockdown together – some for the second or third time, and others for what feels like a constant state of being. This is still a relatively new and strange situation and is likely to require unique ways of coping together. But here’s something interesting – even in a ‘normal’ situation, with just one of you under stress, we would still recommend finding a way of coping together. So, from that point of view, the way you're getting through this situation shouldn’t be entirely different from the way you’d get through any other. Shared coping is easier when you’ve got shared goals. These might be long term jobs like keeping the house clean or helping the children with their schoolwork, or they could be fun things like working through a box set or doing a jigsaw puzzle together. Think about what you both want to get out of this time. Perhaps you could draw up a list of goals to work on together – even easy ones will help you feel connected. You can use the goal-setting feature on Click. Getting through a crisis can be good for your relationship, as long as you find ways of coping together. Mutual support can reduce stress for both of you – when one of you feels better, the other will too, and this can make you feel more supported as a unit [4]. This is great news because, when we’re happy with our relationships, we tend to feel better in general [5]. How to be supportive for your partner Support can be offered in different ways: Emotional support. This is when you show your partner that you have understood. Practical support. This is when you offer ways of solving a problem. Delegating. This is when you take on tasks to give your partner a break [6]. Emotional support helps your partner feel listened to and shows them that you are making the effort understand what they are going through. It’s usually best to offer emotional support first, rather than jumping in with practical support. This video shows the difference between emotional and practical support. The video was made at a time when going out and doing the shopping was a little easier than it is now, but the ideas are still relevant. Notice Naomi’s reaction to the different types of support from Liam: When you offer support, do it willingly, and take your partner’s concerns seriously. They will be able to tell when you’re being sincere. How to talk to each other about stress When you talk to your partner about a stressful situation, try to describe your feelings as well as the situation. Start sentences with “I feel…” and explain what the situation means to you. Tell your partner why you are upset, and what you hope will change. When your partner tells you about a stressful situation, show your support by listening properly. Put down whatever you are doing and give your full attention. Ask questions to learn more. Try summarising the problem to make sure you’ve properly understood. You could use the following guide to help with talking about problems: Explain what the problem is. Discuss it together and look for solutions. Talk about what you will each do next. Alcohol In stressful situations, we might be tempted to turn to harmful ways of managing things, like drinking too much. While alcohol can feel like an effective way to cope with stress in the moment, it’s usually more harmful in the long run – the negative effects on your mood and general health can end up causing more stress than they solve. Try to stick to other, healthier ways of improving your mood, like exercise or phoning a friend for a chat. If you’re worried that you or your partner might be using alcohol to deal with stress, have a look at our alcohol site, where you can find our free short course, ‘Coping with stress’. References [1] Lazarus & Folkman, 1984[2] Bodenmann, Meuwly, & Kayser, 2011[3] Meuwly, Bodenmann, Germann, Bradbury, Ditzen, & Heinrichs, 2012[4] Regan et al., 2014[5] Traa, De Vries, Bodenmann, & Den Oudsten, 2014[6] Falconier, Jackson, Hilpert, & Bodenmann, 2015
Article | stress, isolation
Inappropriate old friend
Me and my boyfriend have been together 9 years. We have a happy healthy relationship with each other. But recently an old female friend who has not been around for 20+ years moved in across the street with another friend of theirs, he is a male also. This female friend decided while she just left her husband of 20 years or more to start a relationship with the friend she moved in with. Then after a week decides she just wants to be friends with him, because he just wants to constantly touch her. Now she has decided she wants to come over to our house almost every day. We couldn.t even spend Valentine's Evening together alone because she needed support, because it was her wedding anniversary that day. Well she keeps coming over and is constantly hugging my boyfriend. She also finds it necessary to sit by my man constantly. She touches his leg constantly and whispers in his ear. Shows him things on her phone giggling like a school girl. She even went as far as to bring up how she has seen my boyfriends penis before. Then on Valentines decides to take her hoodie off and keep putting half naked boobs toward my boyfriend basically wanting him to look. This girl claims she wants to be my friend, but never contacts me unless she wants to come over and she makes sure my bouyfriend is always here. I'm not jealous of her at all. But I feel like she wants my boyfriend and is trying to work her way into being with him and getting rid of me. What is some advice on how to approach this situation. I mention it to my boyfriend and he acts like it is all fine. Of course he is oblivious if anybody tries to flirt with him. What should I do?
User article | friend
Please advise me
I am 31 years old woman with 10 years old relationship with my boyfriend. I have been 100% loyalty with my boyfriend. My physical appearance, personality and career is above average. There had been many decent guys who genuinely wanted to be with me, but I refused them all. The problem is as I am from Asian country, the couple in my country marry around the age of 28, me and my boyfriend has been together for a long time (10 years), so, my family, my relatives and my friends also asked about the marriage plan. But, from 2 years ago till now, whenever I asked about my boyfriend for the future, i mean about the marriage, he always went blank or confused and didn't answer thoroughly, and he never started the conversation about the marriage until i started or our friends asked him. (PS. We are both financially stable). When we hang out or date, we always talk about movies, work, games or funny things. From 2 years ago, I started to think like he doesn't really love me, if he only hang out me for fun and i feel guilty myself for rejecting the decent guys previously. And whenever I told my boyfriend that we need a break, he didn't accept it nor let me go. I am so stressful that my life will slowly age like this and becomes lonely. ( in my country, when you are around 35, no one interests you). And recently, I have got the feelings for the other guy. We have been known each other for months but we are not close. One day, we met at the resturant accidentally and greet each other and dined together that day. We have same likes and had really fun talking while having dinner. (I let my boyfriend know i am having dinner with that acquaintance). Another day we had our dinner together and talked about random things. After a few times we have been hang out , he said he is very happy to be with me and he has been waiting for this moment with me long ago. He said i am very beautiful like an angel and talked about the future unlike my boyfriend. Everytime we hang out, he cares me in details. He did everything sweet gestures that make me smile. Then I also start growing feelings for him. The thing is when he found out that i have boyfriend , he didn't talk to me anymore. At the current moment, 70% of my mind is always thinking about him and want to be with him and want to build a beautiful family with him. But i am also afraid being told me a cheater by the surroundings. Even if i told him that i want to be with him, will he accept me back? So, I don't know what to do. Please suggest me.
User article | relationships, marriage, commitment, long-term
Girl has feelings for another guy
Hello everyone! I’m kind of in a weird predicament at the moment, I (24m) have finally admitted my love to this lady (25f) after we originally cut things off in February. We were falling for each other very hard but I had some serious things happen in my personal life that I had to focus my attention on. Yeah I know it sounds cliche but I told her about what was going on and she told me she understood. As we were no longer talking, I couldn’t get her off my mind and felt as if I didn’t give us a fair shot so we started talking again back in November. Things were going well and we both agreed that we should see each other during the holidays. During the trip, I told her everything that I’d been feeling and how I knew I was falling in love with her in February and she reciprocated that back and I confessed my love for her. That felt nice and we told each other we loved each other but she told me that she met someone over the summer that she caught feelings for (she doesn’t love the guy) but he had a job offer in another country after they were seeing each other for about 2 months and kind of left her high and dry. She says she wants to pursue things with me and tells me she loves me but tells me that she doesn’t feel deserving of the love I give her because she still has feelings for this other guy. She knows that there is nothing there in terms of them dating but still has these feelings. Well, guess who texts her to let her know that he's coming back to the country, THE GUY. She says she doesn't plan on seeing him but if he makes plans, she would see him to "catch up like an old friend". She says he doesn't know about me and would only bring me up if he tried to pick up where they left off, as in dating or being intimate. I think she wants to get closure that things between them wouldn't work. My question to yall is what do you think I should do? Should I support her and let her get the closure she never got? Should I just runaway? I know it’s a lot but I really would like some outside opinions from my friends hahaha
User article | dating
Trauma, long distance boyfriend and future
I recently moved overseas to establish my career and my boyfriend is back in my home country where he has already established himself. We love each other despite the distance and put in the efforts needed to make our relationship work. I wanted him to join me here and explore this time with me, as I am not planning to settle down overseas. I want to work here for a while, establish something sustainable before I go back home and I need him to be here with me for this time as I know his occupation is quite in demand here, and this was communicated to him. He however, does not want to leave home and his family. I sometimes fight with him over this but have realised how unfair I am being. It has only been a year and half since we started dating and it was long distance since we are from different cities back home. In this short span, he has grown on me like a wildfire. I, for some selfish reason can not seem to let go of him and it physically hurts to think of moving on if this does not work. The other day, he spoke some truth that hurt me deeply. He said that it will be painful and hard, but he would not allow himself to get stuck or stop moving on if this relationship did not work. Now, I know this is how things usually work but somehow it hurts so much. I feel like my emotions have gone too deep, more than necessary where the lines between healthy and unhealthy are now hard to distinguish. I would never hold him back if he wants out of this, but somehow I feel like I would not be able to move on even if he does. I have never been in a loving relationship such as this, and my selfishness to hold on and the fear of being badly bruised again is stopping me from living in the present and overthink about the future. I am aware that I can not control the future, and I just want to cherish this time we have with each other despite the distance and uncertainties because he is such a wonderful and special man, and I can’t seem to put in words what I feel for him. I also have unresolved past trauma that is deeply embedded for which I am under therapy. My strained relationship with my mother coupled with past trauma is affecting my relationship with my boyfriend. It makes me want to stay back in this country and never go back. However this would mean not getting to spend a life or share moments as I imagined with my boyfriend. I just need some guidance and perspective on how to see this in a more mature way as I am finding it almost physically hard to think rationally. I am in a place where I need to chose between my career and love, and I am stunned at how hard and painful it is to pick one and let the other go. Any suggestion, or experience from you guys would help me assess things better. Thank you for reading all of this!
User article | long distance, relationships, worries, love
I like him but...
I knew this guy from my friends. He's a friend to my friends. I've never met him in person yet, we just talk online. Since I live really far from my friends (different states but still in the same country), I can't always meet them. About this guy, he's really a shy person when I first know him. But now we become close, since we always hangout in discord, play games, watch movies and stuffs. He always text me first, ask about my days, reminds me to eat, jokes and sometimes silly flirty text, emojis, gifs. He compliments me, saying I'm pretty and cute. He's been really helpful with some stuffs and he also told me to tell him if I got any problems. He opens up about his past relationship and a about his life to me. He also follows my social medias account. I can sense a little bit of jealousy from him every time I mention other guys. He also mention that I should move in to their state, so we could hang out everyday. My friend that is really close to him tease us of being together. Not gonna lie but I kind of have this tiny bit feelings for him but I try not to show it a lot. Then someday, I REALISE HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP! How do I know that? Well, when he share his screen, there's a text notification from his girlfriend. My anxiety kicks in. All this time, I've been playfully flirting, texting with somebody else's boyfriend. No wonder there's days he's feeling down and when I ask him what happen, 'he won't answer', because it's related to his girlfriend. I don't want to ruin someone else's relationship. I just gonna move on with this feelings even though it hurts so much.
User article | trust, lies, affair, emotional affair
I love another woman
I am a married man, I have a wife and 2 teens. I’ve been married for over 15 years now. My wife is a good mom, but her lack of drive for success, and the mentality of being a housewife has turned me off for many years now. I’ve had a conversation with her about 7 years ago about going out there and getting her degree to challenge herself and help the family financially, I was always met with negative responses. Asking her to get a job was somewhat insulting to her and she tends to tell me I’m to blame for because I don’t like the jobs she applied to (they were not worth the time for the money) and she refused to get a job at decent places with good benefits (like Walmart or Aldi). In any event, through the years I’ve grown professionally and financially with very little financial input from her. I’ve taken care of her parents abroad as well as mine and I feel like I’ve just been a cash cow for everyone. I’ve had numerous discussions with her about my feelings and she finally decided to go out there and get a degree (because she senses I'm going to leave her) which I’m helping pay for, but for many years now I have not been connected to her emotionally, I don’t love her anymore and many things happened between us and her family where she didn’t back me up and chose her family instead. I am only married to her because of my kids. The sex is there just to take care of our needs, we don’t even kiss. During the pandemic I started trying to improve on one of the 4 languages I speak. I met someone on a language app, we started talking, very quickly moved to video conversations and we both started developing feelings. We share many goals, aspirations, and she is the complete opposite of my wife in so many levels which just draws me to her even more. She is also married. We’ve been romantically talking for 4 years now online consistently. Her husband is a macho guy who wants her as a maid essentially, she is putting her self through school with the help of her grandfather (who dislikes her husband) and is on her way to becoming a lawyer this year. I love everything about this woman. We met in person (I had a work trip to her country). We had great conversations and made love, I felt so at home with her I couldn’t believe it. I have never felt so happy in my life, never felt like this with my wife. She has never asked me for a nickel, and she’s helped me in some many ways, I feel like a different man with her. We both want out of our marriages, but I’m afraid of hurting my kids (16 and 13) and disrupting their lives. She is willing to leave her husband for me, she too has a kid (8 years old). I also don’t want to hurt my wife, I don’t love her but I don’t also want to hurt her self esteem and she also cannot support herself financially yet as she is in school till 2024 and working 1 day week for now. She knows I don’t love her like the first day we got married, we talked about it, tried working on it for a few years but it’s no use. We are both in our 40s and I am not happy with her and I feel I’d be giving up my own happiness if I don’t pursue my life with the other woman whom I love. I also feel my wife deserves to be loved, by someone who truly feels for her, not me. I don’t know what to do.
User article | marriage, affairs, affair, divorce, love
How do I leave or should I?
My apologies for the length here but it is a lot to cover. I have been married over 30 years. Throughout our marriage, intimacy has been an issue as it always seemed to be a burden to her and she was often unresponsive. I raised the issue many times but to no avail. In hindsight we should tried marriage counseling. However she has a phobia of doctors so therapy that she needed was out. She has self esteem issues, panic attacks and depression, which she hid the severity of till 20 years into the marriage when her mother died. You might ask why didn't I just leave? I was close several times but something always came up. One time my father had a heart attack and another my wife came down with breast cancer. The biggest reason I stayed was a cloud of fear that she would harm herself if I left. On multiple occasions she expressed she had no desire to live alarming her mother enough to share it with me. Coupled with her out of control sobbing while I was away on strike duty for 4 weeks I was convinced she would take her life if I left. She also spoke of such to our daughter who was 12 at the time. She made one apparent attempt or was sending strong signals by grabbing a bottle of pills and heading down the hall of our daughters university apartment. This was at a time we were arguing with her sister over settlement of her father's estate. Thankfully our daughter stopped her. I was not informed of either incident till months and or years later. She also was talking to her doctor during a checkup and they were alarmed enough to refuse to release her unless we agreed to go immediately to the hospital for evaluation. Let me get to the point. After surviving several years sgi she informed me the rare moments of intimacy we had experienced was no longer part of our marriage. Needless to say I was upset but gave it some time. Well, after several years I saw it was true. At age 55 she expected the rest of my life to be celebrate with her. I began chatting. There were a few casual connections but nothing serious. Finally after 3 years from her proclamation I wanted to meet one contact and ventured outside our marriage to fill that burning desire and try to experience some true passion for the first time. The chemistry was instant and we began seeing each other regularly one day a week. After a while I began working late a day or two each week and my wife began to have suspicions. Finally she confronted me. I admitted I was having an affair. She fell apart crying almost non stop, which lasted for days then weeks. But first I should that night I admitted she sent me a text threatening to harm herself if I didn't stop the affair. I firmly questioned her and determined she was acting out of emotion and not serious. Ironically a couple days later she told our son had I not been scheduled to work from home the next day she would have taken her life. Guess what? That next day while I was working from home she and our an closed out an account with out nest egg!. Given the history I still have concerns as do our grown children who agreed she should move in with our daughter for a while. During that time I went to live with my love who is the love of my life. We are very much in love and when it comes to the indicators you read about what makes a soulmate we check every box. It was wonderful to be together. We confirmed we would be great as a true full time couple. Then my wife came back, still emotional but better. I've told her I won't stop seeing my love. I'm not sure what she plans to do. She said she doesn't want a divorce and to be alone. So the question now is what to do? Do I stay and hope she will tolerate or even accept the affair or leave to gain happiness but always having that fear she might actually harm herself. She also has the kids feeling that same fear and not speaking to me. I know what I want but hate to destroy her and that fear has been planted and stoked. She has often said if anything were to happen to me she wouldn't be far behind, which reinforces my fear leaving will destroy her. And given her emotional state for the last 2 months the kids fear it too. Of course they blame me for her emotional state as they don't know the entire story and only see their mom devastated and out of control. I've learned she is emotionally fragile but apparently is thnkng about the future expressing to our son she worries she might not get a share of an upcoming pension. So it sounds like the fest may be unnecessary but still the controlled sobbing when I admitted to the affair might be nothing like if I truly leave.
User article | abuse, control, affair
My bf has gf
Hi, I was texting with one guy for a half an year and never met with him cuz he was look like a boy about i always dreamed about, i was really scared, cuz my whole life was full of disappointments by ex friend family. I had really hard childhood and life, and I ve never open with someone. Finally we met and from this day we felt in love with eachother, became like a soul mates, family, best friends everything for eachother. After first meeting practically start living together, struggling with everything in foreigner country. First time in my life I opened myself to someone, told every darkness or lightness from my life, traumas, every secret. We became attached to each other, we even stay outside few times but nothing could killed our happiness we enjoyed everything together nothing make sense when we next to each other, he saw much good things to me, told that she was always dreaming about me, that i was better than most of people, i dont know words cannot explain how crazy story we had, how we trusted eachother, only there was one thing which make me to overthink and have much doubts, he was always hiding his phone too unnatural way, even panick when i ve just wanted to see time, every people in my life broke my heart and 2 years I ve just been alone fixing and building myself, finally start self love and self respect, and cuz of much reasons I took his phone, and see that he was texting with smn who in the past showed him nudes, i got angry lit bit but he explained that she was childhood friend and it was past I understand him.. Before new year i again take his phone and see that she is still sending nudes and texting him like with bf, my bf spoke so cold, but i got angry cuz when it happened first time he promise that he will not text with her, i told him if u won't text her that u have gf and she must stop flirting with u, and that he can text with her but after told her truth, he said he cannot. Finally, she is his girlfriend whom he know for 16 years 5 years they are in relationship, and he needs time to make decision, me or her, I still understand him and support him in this hard situation, but now i don't know what im doing I'd never done like that, but i can't and don't want to live without him, i see how he really suffering from start and big sorrow inside of him, that he really loves me so much and we ve never had that much close relationship, but i don't know if I'm acting correctly to myself, why I'm doing this to myself, 3days he opened with me and im suffering so much, he told me that he wanted to choose me but he need time, I m so paranoid generally especially now, as I got he is afraid to be judged from his and her family, their friends... I don't know what should I do, btw this girl is in his hometown and have not meet each other for 3 years
User article | relationship, trust, texting
Liking a taken guy
So for the last couple of weeks I have been working at this new place, i can't complain about the job but there is an issue. I have a crush on my coworker who is already taken, whose gf also works with us. This guy has shown me interest, but he also tends to his gf and spends lunch with her. I honestly have been talking to him and being flirty, not with my words but with my smile. Honestly i dont even consider smiling being flirtatious, you just can tell that i like him from miles away but im not necessarily making verbal moves. I can't help it, he's my type and to be honest i wasnt trying to hide my feelings even when i knew he was taken. Just because, i dont know i guess i was being selfish. But now that i think about it, maybe i dont want to be the reason why he and his gf break up. I mean it's difficult to find a guy like him, i would feel bad if i was the reason why the other girl loses a good catch like him. An a great relationship shouldn't start like this. Especially i want to avoid him after realizing my coworkers have been treating me differently because they think of me as a homewrecker although i dont think i have done much to deserve that title, it's unfair especially cause no one treats the guy WHO IS ACTUALLY IN THE RELATIONSHIP differently. I just have a crush, which is normal considering how attractive he is as a person. I am a very nice person and have a great moral compass i was just naive this time and didnt realized this couple could really have something good going for them and my existence being a threat isn't cool. What upsets me the most, is my supervisor using my personal feelings to judge me in my professionalism, i did cry a little bit because i work too hard for my image to be damage by a guy that i have tried to avoid too but he keeps showing interest in me. I dont want to be punished for feelings i cant control, but I'll try to avoid more since i wasnt doing a great job before. Do you think im a bad person?
User article | flirting, new relationship
Does he even love me?
Hi ! Season's Greetings ! Hope all donig fantastic. I threw myself in but og a heart breaking situation here and im totally cofused what to do ? I broke my 14 years of toxic marriage with my husband . I few to another country immediately to pursue my further studies and met this guy. This guy already has long distance girlfriend. He claims to love her so much and keeps talking about her that how great she is. Slowly he started approaching me and telling me how good I am and started touching my body in little but inappropriate way. I confronted him and told him that I am totally in mess situation and I have become numb I don’t feel anything for you. He said I don’t know even if I feel anything for you but still he kept perusing me by flattering comments. I started taking care of him in every way and started to develop feelings for him. He kept coming close and I tried going away because he was committed and in love. After I tried going away he started becoming very rude and distant to me. Being in same house I felt horrible and I don’t know how but I went running to him asking why he is not talking to me and rude to me then he started to treat me bad and aggressively screaming on me. I was feeling lonely and horrible because I confided in him and told him all im going through and he was the only person I knew in the country. Then suddenly one day he tried kissing me and I let him. I was ashamed and honestly didn’t even feel nice.. since then he was again nice to me. This cycle kept on going till he got few physical favors from me (other than intercourse) and I kpet growing close to him. I do all his work help him in everything as of im his fulltime made and few physical favors whenever he needs to get close to me. One day I asked him what is all this and we need to stop this or you breakup with your gf and be with me. He said I just have attraction for you and care for you. We aren’t even want to having sex with each other (we do everything else but intercourse what gives only him pleasure not anything I want). I try so much to go away from him and he keep pulling me towards him . He keeps telling to his GF daily even in front of me. He compares his gf with me every time and try to show how great she is in everything. He said he value me and cares for me but he cant love me as he is committed and about physical attraction that he want to stop but couldn’t . Now he wants to stop because he is going to meet his gf after long and he is scared that experience with me would hamper his pleasure with his GF. Do feel deep emotions for him and I want to go away from him but I’m stuck in my emotions. Does he love me or not? Even I love him or is this anything else ? Otherwise I’m very strong person but first time with this man I’m falling weak and doing everything I wouldn’t have dreamed of doing for anyone. Why I am weak? I surely know he cant be the one for me but then what is this attachment? Please help me !
User article | emotional abuse
Is my friend jealous of my relationship?
I want to clarify that I have a strong feeling that my friend is jealous of my relationship; I just want the input of others before I jump to conclusions. I will refer to the friend as Nicole, and my boyfriend as Alex. These are the things that make me assume this about my friend: 1. Before Alex and I were dating or had any clue that he was interested in me, Nicole said out of the blue that she thought Alex had “bad intentions” with me, despite knowing him many months before I did, and constantly saying how he is the “nicest person ever.” 2. We were eating lunch together one day (we were still just friends at the time) and Alex decided to ask Nicole to join us. She randomly had a nasty attitude the whole time and was suggesting plans to hang out with Alex only in front of me. Then she abruptly left for no clear reason. 3. When I told Nicole that Alex asked me to be his girlfriend, the very first things she told me was, “I just want to let you know that I have never been interested in Alex.” 4. Nicole always gives me unwarranted advice about my relationship, saying I was immature for rushing into a relationship and hanging out with Alex, even though we waited a several months before dating. She also used to constantly inquire about my sex life with Alex, despite her saying that one her biggest pet peeves is when someone asks about her sex life. 5. Alex and I don’t do much PDA, the most we do is hold hands, give a quick hug or rest our heads on each other’s shoulders every now and then. But Nicole is the only friend who is disgusted and says that we’re being too “intimate” or conveniently has something to do which disrupts any of the PDA I mentioned above. 6. Speaking of PDA, Nicole weirdly asked to hold hands with Alex and me, and when Alex called her out, she felt offended and didn’t see anything wrong with wanting to hold my boyfriend’s hand. 7. She texts and calls Alex way more than me. Sometimes I’ll text/call Nicole and won’t get a response, only to hear a couple hours later from my boyfriend that she was texting or calling him.
User article | friends
Should I let him go, or try again?
It is very difficult for me to share this story with anyone. The only one who knows about it, is my therapist. I was in realtionship of almost 5 years, a relationship that was ending and had turned into a constant fight and ignoring each other. One Sunday night I met this guy in a chatroom. Back then i was so tired emotionally, demotivated, just wanted to talk to someone about my problems. We met in the most casual way, in a chatroom with fake nicknames. I was so bored of the many stupid msgs I recived that night that I was about to log out, but then he texted me. I randomly answered because his nickname was funny. We started to talk, and we ended up talking for more than 3 hours. He also had a gf, a longterm relationship and problems similar to mine, we talked about that, then about random stuff, about our jobs, about the countries we live in and we made many jokes. He was so smart, so articulated, so interesting. That night we exchanged Skype accounts. I felt good after talking to him, happier somehow. The next evening I recived a hello text from him, I answered... Since that first day we met, we have been talking every day for almost 8 months now. This guy made me feel like, alive again, made me feel the emotions I thought I wasnt able to feel anymore. But he has a gf, and I knew it the whole time. I was able to break up with my bf, not because of him but because it was done and over as a relationship. But he, he cannot do that. He says he cannot hurt her like that, he cannot live then with the guilt and pain that the break up would cause. They are together almost 3 years now, I dont know the details but I know her family and she are waiting for an engagement and marriage. He told me so. He also told me he cares about her but he doesnt love her. We tried to stop our communication many many time, both suffered so much , but we always came back, me or him sent a msg and everything started from the beggining. We failed so many times to end this and it is so so painful each time. I know I have to end this but deep inside of me I still have hope that I can convince him to meet and maybe undertsand what we feel. And if what we feel is so strong then maybe he will find the will to end his relationship. I feel like I have lost balance of my life, like I will never be happy to experience happiness again, not without him. I dream day and night about being with this person, about founding the peace and joy I need in his arms. I wait for his msgs, I am happy when I hear his voice. But then he cannot talk and I know he is visiting her or she is visiting him, and it literally breaks my heart each time. I know what I am doing is wrong, I know I should have ended this long ago, but I cant, I am unable to stay away from him because he is the only guy who has even made me feel like this. I am so sad the whole time, I changed two workplaces and now I quit again because I couldnt handle the work load, I am stressed and exhausted but I cannot sleep. I am a doctor, and even though I know how damaging it is, I use for months now sleeping pills to be able to sleep at night and dont overthink. I have a Therapist and I work with him regularly but he also told me that it is up to me to end this. I just dont have the power to do that, leave him, block him. I tried to do that and it feels like the end of the world, like losing the only opportunity I have to be with my soulmate. Please dont judge my situation, I would really want to know honest opinions of people who maybe have been through a similar situation. anonymus
User article | long distance
Can anyone help or relate??
I've been having trouble with my boyfriend, my best friend, and my thoughts. Hi, I'm HayLay, I'm 17-years-old and I'm a soon-to-be grad from high school. I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months now and have known my best friend for over 4 years! My best friend just confessed that he still loves me and honestly, I still love him too. But how do I break it off with my boyfriend? I've helped him through some pretty rough times and even helped him not be suicidal anymore (or at least that’s what he’s told me). I’ve asked him why he likes me and his answer every time has been because I’ve helped him not want to kill himself or even just hate himself too. I know that it’s complicated and I’ve had many doubts that this relationship won’t last. But now my best friend confessed to me and I know that I still like him. My thoughts have been telling me that ever since I and my best friend broke up, I’ve used my current boyfriend as a “filler” for my love life. I don’t want to admit it, but I think that my thoughts are right. I hate it so much but it might be true. I’ve already tried to break it off with my boyfriend but I came running back to him the next day in literal tears. I couldn’t be independent for one day without crawling back to him. He is very kind to me and treats me fairly nice and wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, but now it makes me feel like a douche for wanting to break up with him for my ex just because I and him have a way better connection and very good communication with each other and we’ve known each other for a long ass time. I want to break up with my current boyfriend to be with my best friend but I don’t want to be a complete asshole about it. So should I break it off and be with my best friend? And if I do, how should I say it? Please help me! I’m very desperate!!
User article | breakups, new partner, dating
I have feelings for a friend
Hello, everyone. I am a 29 year old person, seeking some advice and guidance. So... I started working as a healthcare assistant at a local facility in 2019, in the midst of the whole pandemic, which is where I met this good friend. Though, we didn't officially meet until the following year because the divisions of the company we worked for were technically owned by 2 different companies in the same nursing home. He had worked there for several years but, we knew of each other and became loose friends through that though we were seeing other people. He is very kind to everyone, willing to always help and make every person feel cared for and appreciated. To be honest, I always had a crush on him but, he was older than me by a few years so I never saw anything happening. The next year, we were very short staffed due to the pandemic, causing me to take a part time job in his department as a delivery and transport aide. At the time, we were still seeing other people, however, became better friends. I even began to looks up to him as a wise and guiding hand because I was learning from him and several others I was working alongside in his area of this nursing home. We both continued to work there until August of 2021 because the pay wasn't worth the work we were doing when I gained a certification as a nursing assistant to work in the local hospital. He also got a job there, needing more financial independence because of an issue which he was very honest with every member of our staff about. His spouse was leaving him. She told him it was a long time coming for her and that she didn't find their relationship beneficial any more even though they had 2 kids together. Naturally, we all tried to support him and be there for him because he is a wonderful person who was always so good to us. When we both started working at the hospital, I reached out just to make sure he was doing okay. Somehow, he had managed to convince her to stay with him despite their differences of opinion on most subjects. We began talking very frequently about the issues he faced. In a few months of talking about religion, music, sports, personal views, we found we had a great deal in common. I am not the type to come between two people being raised in an Irish and Italian Catholic family. Most of our conversations consisted of my trying to help him to fix his relationship, suggesting therapy and talking. He recently told me that he felt like he always had to walk on eggshells, becoming resigned to her view of men. He told me he knew that he was viewed only as a paycheck, as the man of the house but his opinion was not valued nor was he and he had to be okay with not having an intimate relationship unless she requested it, which usually involved alcohol to set the mood for her. He also told me that he had been thinking of me in certain ways, had been attracted to me in the past and did wish circumstances could be different but he is too good a man to leave his family and I am not the type to ask him to. Please help! I feel nauseous and scared and guilty but, also so hopeless. What should we do in this crappy situation?
User article | someone else
I don’t want to be with my husband anymore
I met my husband in 2008 whilst I was going through a divorce to my first husband who had cheated on me. We got married very quickly 2010 and had a child in the same year (I already had 3 children ). He was everything my ex husband wasn’t, kind caring loving and treated me like a princess. Then it all changed soon after our child was born. He became almost controlling, I struggled to talk to him asi was always frightened of what he said back to me. Now fast forward to now amd he’s totally nasistic. He hates me working, he always wants to have the masters clothing, gadgets etc he has to fit in, me on other hand am not materialistic. He wastes money and makes out he’s something special to others but he had nothing before being with me. He’s always looking at cars and wanting new ones, think we’ve had 7 cars in 10 years!! He’s just got so spiteful, he’s rude to me and then expect sex in return, I can’t bare him near me. We’ve had sex once in 3 years as the thought repulse me. Everything he does repulse me. He’s always had a problem with my eldest son who is now a police officer, he seems jealous of our relationship. I am at my wits end. Even our child together wishes he would move out the thing is I know he won’t go! It’s my house from before him and is a counci house. I never put his name on it as I never did trust him. What do I do??? I don’t need a man I just want it to be me and my children from now on.
User article | breakups
Long distance and falling for someone else
Hi guys I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years now , we met because we use to live in a small town and went to the same school, but than I moved to another country for college and he stayed back. Our relationship is amazing he is sweet, makes me laugh nice , cares about me and my mental health and is amazing with my family and friends , and of course we have problem like other couples but he always has my back and I have his , but we started long distance and it’s bad cuz we are to attached to each other and we used to see each other ever day. But we are trying even with my trust issues , but I got this new job I met this kid … He is sweet funny makes me laugh too he always ask if I’m okay he takes time of his day to talk to me work because I’m new and don’t know anyone lol and he tries to help me at work introduce me to everyone is helping me make friends and I feel he likes me by the way he acts and looks at me , and I feel that he even got jealous because he saw me talking to my friend about a boy and than he saw a picture of me and my boyfriend on my phone , and I thought it was just a crush or I was just lonely because of my long distance relationship, but yesterday I noticed it wasn’t because I got jealous of him talking to our coworker and not really talk to me and that he was going out w friends. I feel that he likes me but I just don’t know because I never know stuff like this but I don’t want to break up with my bf because I care about him a lot and we have been through so much together , but I don’t want to maybe something happen , because I don’t want to hurt neither of them I feel like a bad person . I always thought when u fall for someone else is because there is a problem in ur relationship but there is not I don’t know what to do I don’t want to hurt them or hurt myself . I don't know if I really like my coworker or I’m just lonely or i don’t like my boyfriend anymore I really don’t know want to do , feel and think….. What the hell should I do?
User article | long distance
I am a liar
So… I really don’t know where to start from… I’m 15… yup I’m underaged that’s the reason I cannot go for serious mental health treatment.. cause my parents think teenagers like me cannot have any problem with their mental health… I mean they ain’t wrong I literally have nothing to be depressed over…but I still wanna end my life most of the time… my parents are hard workers they work day and night for me to be happy.. we have loans on our heads but they always stay so calm about it in front of me… I’m from a middle class family and my parents try their best to make me a happy person…and as a result, they have crazy high expectations from me… they tell me they see potential in me to fulfill their expectations…as a result when I doubt myself (which now that I think turns out to be literally every day) I end up having a quarrel with them…they do say mean comments to me…but their actions are justified… My mood is off literally every day without any reason…actually not every day but most of the time. And when I’m not sad and sulking over my non-existential problems, I’m hyperactive.. I have got this wired tendency of lying about fake scenarios…mostly about my parents beating me up…or body shaming me…well they, I mean my mom does that…but not every day or week…she does it only when she sees that I’m getting indiscipline… well back to fake scenarios.. I tell them to my friends just because I want sympathy…why would I do this… I realize later that I’m painting my parents as the bad guys in my life… I’m living under a lot of confusion… I lie about my mental health…I lie about most of the things… this email may be the first time I’m being completely honest with someone… a stranger…because I’m too scared to tell this to anyone else… and even if I get jugged by the receiver of this email…I won’t know that… Back to my abnormal mind… so my actual problem is that.. I feel I’m worthless… but sometimes I think I deserve better… to be more precise I have 2 types of moods… one in which I’m Hella overconfident about everything… my body…my face… my life…myself…I love everything… and then there is the 2nd type… which is opposite to the first one.. I feel sad…unhappy with myself… worthless… stupid…. A faulty for every problem in my life…. in others life… I hate my body …. I hate myself …. Most of the time I feel the second mood…to be more precise I actually love being in my sad and depressive mood… I hate being happy…not because I think I don’t deserve it… (well I do when I’m in my second mood).. but because for some reason I love being sad… I really thought this was depression… but I really don’t have a reason to be depressed.. I feel like an attention-seeking girl within my friend circle because I’m have lied countless times to them… they ask me why is my mood off I say I don’t know…they say there has to be a reason… I come up with a lie… and tell them their life is better off me… and everything goes back to normal… at this point, I feel like a burden to them… and honestly they got really annoyed the last time when I was in my depressive episode… I genuinely feel like a burden to them t this point…and well this depressive episode which I’m having is not going away…it usually lasts for a week or so… but this time it has been 2.5 weeks… and as I’m trying to lessen the burden I’m being to my friend I thought over it…. It’s really the time where I need to find out what’s wrong with me… it will be good for everyone… no I haven’t tried self-harm… I had many triggers this past week… but something in me stopped me from cutting my wrist… One more thing I have body image issues … I feel fat 24/7…except when I’m in my happy mood…. I do starve myself sometimes… The main point of writing all this to you is because…I feel something is wrong with me… and I need to know what is it… I may sound like a lunatic to you… but I hope I’m not the only person in the world feeling all this.. and if I am… well help me to become normal… I’m tired of being like this… I just can’t help it… Hope you can help me… it actually feels good to type out and tell someone what’s going on inside me… I hope I won’t judged to bad for this…
User article | depression
I think I'm in love
I met this boy a few years ago. we were paired together on an english project. neother of us had any other friends in that class, so we became permanent partners. we grew close. so close that touching was normal. hugs, playful punches everyhing was normal but friendly. i didnt like him and he was getting over a breakup. i did have a crush on him for a few months but because he was still getting over his last girlfriend, i closed myself off to the possibility that he might like me. i shut off that hope and started to like someone else. however, i dont think i ever got over him. over the years, along with our friendship, i realized that i could read him so clesrly. i could sense his emotions. whenever he was sad, i woukd be too. whenever he was excited, i became excited too. it wasnt somejing that i made happen, his feelings just naturally influenced mine. this confused me, but i thought it was a best friend thig. i couldnt stand not being near him...but i had convinced myself that i liked someone else. a year later, one of his friends told me that he liked me, and i didnt know how to respond to the news i had recieved from him. i asked his friend why he didnt tell me earlier and i was so upset with myself for some reason. a gew months later, he started going out with another girl and they are now together. knowing that he is off likits, i unfollowed him from media, i stopped talking to him, and because of covid, i also didnt see him anywhere for about a year. i thought this was the best way to gwt over him. 2 days ago, i saw him again. i avoided him. he didnt see me. but as soon as i saw him, the butterflies came back, and o got upset and teary eyed. he has a loving, sweet girlfriend and theyre amazing together. i would never betray her. but he once liked me, and i think i love him. we are goi g to the same college and i know that even if i try my best i wont be able to avoid him forever. seeing him with her will break me. i dont know how else to get over him and i dont want to. there was a period of time where he broke up with his girlfriend and he started talking to me. i didnt engage because i refuse to be a rebound friend. but i cant even be in the same room as him without wanting to cry or scream or break something or blame myself for my stupidity. i dont know what to do. please help.
User article | love
In a relationship but a new crush every now and then
Hi. I was torn between making it work and personal struggles since I feel like I want to make my relationship work, because it is at a rough patch because of my struggles. Anyway, I’ve been in a relationship now for about 3,5 years. Everything is kind of great BUT. We are both in university, that makes working on our relationship harder. When we are together I love him, I want to cuddle and we have a great connection. We have things to talk about as well since we have similar upbringing. The bedroom department has been a little on the rocks lately, since my new contraceptive method. Nevertheless I feel it is not lacking, because I voiced my feelings, he understood and the total thing has been improving since then. This is the background, now to the actual problem. The situation I am about to describe has happened multiple times, I think around 5 times. When I am living in a different place for a moment or we are apart (by distance) and a new guy approaches me I turn to a complete moron. I talk to him consistently for a couple of days or weeks and I will develop a crush for him. Then, if I haven’t done it in a first place, when I will tell him that I have a boyfriend, the guy usually drifts apart. Nothing physical happens (okay with one guy we kissed and it felt super wrong), but I think I’m emotionally cheating. And at the time I feel so distant from my boyfriend that I am always thinking of leaving him. When the crush guy leaves, I always come back to my mind and realise that I want my boyfriend and it was just a crush. It’s easier if the crush is a new person, very bad if an ex. The last time, actually today, I met with an ex, that I still think is my soulmate, we had such a blast! When I am in this moment, I feel like the "new guy" is so great that I will leave my boyfriend. The boyfriend that has been nothing but good to me. And after that I feel so stupid. Because the other guy may be talking to multiple girls, but I am willing to leave my good longterm relationship. Why am I willing to leave it so quickly? I feel like a rush of emotions and adrenaline and like I don’t even care about my boyfriend. But I do! I really care for him, but I think at some point I will do something that I regret and cannot take back. And this pattern has repeated a couple of times as mentioned.
User article | crush, relationship