Featured
Divorce tips from the experts
Ensure your divorce or separation is as fast and fair as possible without breaking the bank by reading the following tips from amicable’s divorce experts. 1. Know the basics To get divorced, you need to arrange three things: File the legal paperwork. Submit your divorce petition (form D8), apply for a decree nisi (form D84), and, once this has been processed, apply for a decree absolute (form D36). You may also file a consent order if you want to make your financial agreements legally binding. Plan your finances. Agree what will happen to your home; where you will both live; and what money, assets and debts you have to divide. Make a parenting plan. If you have children, you will need to agree on their living arrangements, how they will see both of you, who will pay for what, and how you will raise them. You can use the free online template at Splitting Up? Put Kids First. 2. Don’t rush your partner into it While you may be keen to get things moving, rushing your partner into a divorce could slow the process down, particularly if you are at different stages of emotional readiness. Allow time for your partner to catch up with you, and be mindful not to apply pressure. In the meantime, look at other options, like professional coaching or counselling support to help with the process of letting go and moving on. 3. Know the facts, remove the emotion The law isn’t concerned with who’s right and who’s wrong. The law is only concerned with the facts for the marriage breakdown. If you understand this when you begin the process, you will have a better chance of negotiating a settlement without a damaging and expensive legal process. It’s important to note that the reasons given for your marriage breakdown will not affect any of your financial or child arrangements. Read more about the divorce law process in the UK. 4. Don’t rush off to a solicitor There are many ways to divorce and different processes suit different people. Using a solicitor is usually expensive and can also create dependency and a barrier between you and your ex. Learning how to communicate with your ex can help you get through the process amicably without spending more than you can afford. If you have children or pets together, you’ll need to communicate after the divorce so it’s better to start learning how to do this effectively now as ex-partners. There is a difference between legal information and legal advice. This page is an example of legal information, whereas legal advice is personalised to you. It’s more cost effective to start by seeking free legal information and giving yourselves a chance to work things out. 5. Be realistic on how long the divorce process takes The divorce process can often take much longer than expected – this is one of the biggest causes of escalating costs. If you have never been through a divorce before, it’s unlikely you will have much idea of the steps involved. The UK court system is slower than you might expect – average processing times run between 20 and 22 weeks. Complete this form to get an idea of how long it may take you personally to get divorced. 6. Look forward Don’t spend your time, energy or money arguing over the past. Change the conversation from ‘How do we split our stuff?’ to ‘What do we need to do to be happy in future?’. Or, if you have children, ‘What we need to do to ensure our children are happy’. This can help to see what’s most important to you and put your focus on that. The author Kate Daly is a co-founder of amicable, the faster, fairer, fixed price way to separate and divorce. Kate is a divorce expert and helps couples and separated parents navigate divorce and separation amicably. She's passionate about changing the way the world divorces, and campaigns for fairer divorce laws and access to justice. To schedule a free, no-obligation call with Kate to talk through your divorce, please click here.
Article | divorce, amicable, legal rights
5 min read
Helping your partner find their dream job
Being in an unsatisfying job can have a negative effect on your overall happiness, and your personal relationships. Your feelings about your working life are closely linked to your relationship quality. If your partner is in a job they don’t enjoy, you will probably hear about it a lot. Your partner may find that your partner is more irritable, and complains a lot about their job and their colleagues. Your partner may also be too tired from long, stressful shifts to spend quality time with you. So how can you support them and help them get the job they’ve always dreamed of? Set aside time to help your partner apply for jobs. If your partner is still working, it might be tricky to find time for jobhunting. Set aside some time in the evenings or at weekends where you can help your partner apply for jobs. Plan in some time to search for jobs online, through newspapers, or at your local Jobcentre Plus. Encourage networking. If your partner doesn’t know anyone in the industry they want to get in, encourage them to join sites like LinkedIn where they can join groups for industry professionals and meet people in the field. If there are relevant events happening nearby, you could offer to go along with them for moral support. Make financial compromises. To get their dream job, your partner may have to take time out to study or go on a training course, which can affect your household income. Sit down together and work out where you might be able to afford to cut down on spending. You might find it helpful to read our article on talking to your partner about money. Be supportive. One of the worst parts of applying for jobs is the rejections. When you’ve spent ages preparing your CV and writing a killer cover letter, it can feel pretty disheartening to receive an impersonal email from the recruiter saying that your application was unsuccessful. If this happens to your partner, you’ll need to be there for them. What if the dream job is in another city or country? Some jobs may require your partner to relocate. If this is the case with your partner’s dream job, you will both need to discuss how this will affect your relationship and if you both want to move. If you have children together, you will need to discuss how it will affect them too. Think about whether you would both move, or just one of you, and have this discussion as a couple. These questions might help you get the conversation started: Where would you live? What is the cost of living? What opportunities are there for you in the new location? What are the pros and cons of relocating? What else is in the new location? If you have children where will they go to school? What is your shared vision for the future?
Article | work, finance
Choosing to be childfree
Many couples are choosing not to have children, opting to focus on the couple relationship instead. But, according to a new study, it’s not a decision they’re making lightly. The study [1] looked at how couples arrive at the decision not to become parents. The term ‘childfree’, as opposed to ‘childless’, refers to people who have chosen not to have children. The study showed that the decision not to have children is usually a conscious one, rather than something that ‘just happens’. It’s usually something that’s arrived at over a length of time and it’s an ongoing choice. This is particularly true for heterosexual couples, who often have to choose to continue using contraception, and avoid unplanned pregnancy. How is the decision made? By the time couples are having their first conversations about children, they have often already given years of thought to the matter. If both know that they don’t want children, it may only take a single conversation to form an agreement. Reasons for opting out of parenthood could include wider factors such as: Increased reproductive choices. Since the feminist movement of the 1970s, more of us are free to make this choice in the first place [2]. More career options for women. Childfree women are more likely to be employed in professional and managerial positions [3]. Worry about jobs. In one study conducted during the recession of the ‘90s [4], many men said they had opted out of parenthood due to uncertainty in the labour market. Wider society. Women in particular referred to concerns about overpopulation when discussing their decisions [5]. But many also cite more individual reasons such as: Personal freedom. More opportunity for self-fulfilment. Keeping spontaneity, such as the opportunity to travel. Making the most of adult relationships. Experiences of other people’s parenting [6]. Focusing on the couple relationship. Many couples cited their own relationship quality as a major factor in choosing to remain childfree [7]. We know from other studies that the transition to parenthood is one of the biggest hurdles for couples. If you’re still undecided about whether you’re ready for children, or just want to know more, you might find it useful to read our article on managing this transition. Whatever your choice, take the time to discuss it with your partner, so you both know what each other wants and why. Talking about big decisions like this allows you, as a couple, to work together and pursue a life path that suits both of you. One of the childfree people in the study said: ‘‘I wish it were normal to decide whether or not you were going to have children’’.
Article | children, childfree
Marriage preparation
Religious weddings have often included a tradition of premarital counselling for couples, ranging from a day of personal exploration, to months of in-depth marriage preparation. As civil ceremonies overtake religious ceremonies in popularity, we offer a few examples of marriage preparation available in the UK.Click is not responsible for the content of external links and sites. While every effort is made to ensure the quality and content of external sites, no responsibility or liability is taken for external content. Bristol Community Family Trust http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/services/bcft/ Bristol Community Family Trust (BCFT) is a non-profit charity focused on the prevention of family breakdown. BCFT have been running marriage, relationship and mentoring courses since 1996. Insight is for couples who are engaged, recently married, or just thinking about it. Courses run every month, for couples getting married or newlyweds, and include a day of PREP skills training in the classroom followed by three to six private evenings going through the FOCCUS questionnaire with a mentor couple. BCFT also runs courses every month to train mentors. Mentors are ordinary non-expert married couples who want to make a difference. Couples getting married can suggest their own friends as mentors or accept mentors provided by BCFT. Care for the Family http://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/ Care for the Family is a national charity which aims to promote strong family life. The charity runs three different marriage preparation courses: 21st Century Marriage- an eight-session, DVD-based course which couples may find particularly relevant if they have already been living together for some time. Marriage by Design– a one-day course led by a licenced facilitator, presented in an informal and relaxed manner. From this step forward- this unique marriage preparation course will help you to build a strong relationship on which to build your stepfamily. Couples can use this course at home with or without the help of a facilitator. Marriage Care http://www.marriagecare.org.uk/how-we-help/marriage-preparation/ Marriage Care is a charity operating across England and Wales. Volunteers are mainly, though not exclusively, drawn from within the Catholic community. Couples can attend a group course or choose to complete the FOCCUS Inventory which is designed for use with individual couples. The Marriage Preparation Course http://themarriagecourses.org/try/the-marriage-preparation-course/ The Marriage Preparation Course is part of Alpha and, whilst the course is based on Christian principles, it is designed for all couples with or without a church background. You do not need to be getting married in a church to attend the course. The course takes place over five evenings and covers communication, commitment, resolving conflict, keeping love alive and shared goals and values.All participants are required to complete the FOCCUS questionnaire, which is a self-diagnostic inventory designed to help you learn more about yourselves and your relationship. Prepare-Enrich Programme http://www.prepare-enrich.co.uk/ The Prepare-Enrich programme helps couples prepare for marriage, enrich their relationship, or review and improve their co-parenting by taking stock of their strengths and growth areas. Facilitators help couples develop key relationship skills and communicate better on important topics. The Church of England http://www.yourchurchwedding.org/youre-welcome/preparing-for-marriage.aspx Tips from the Church of England on how to speak to your Vicar about marriage preparation. 
Article | marriage, religion
4 min read
Relationships and going to university
Starting college or university is a big life change. If, like many young students, this is the first time you are leaving home, it might be an exciting and daunting time. The prospect of studying, living, and partying in a new place with new people could fill you with a powerful mix of emotions.But nothing dampens the excitement of a new start like an existing relationship. If you’re in a long-term relationship, or even if you’ve just started seeing someone over the summer, it can be hard to know how to handle a move to college or university.If you’re both moving away to study, you’ll be meeting new people; if one of you is staying at home, it could bring up a whole other set of challenges. The impending change might force you to assess the relationship. You might start wondering what they future holds, and if you can cope with a long distance relationship. Talk it out If you and your partner haven’t talked about your plans, it’s worth initiating a conversation. Have a think about your hopes and worries, and talk to you partner about how you’re feeling. Ask them how they feel about the situation– their answer might surprise you, so be prepared to listen to whatever they have to say. Try a long distance relationship If you and your partner are confident that your relationship is strong enough to last, then you can try having a long distance relationship. Many couples manage this successfully, staying in touch by text, phone or email during the term and catching up in the holidays. Depending on how far apart you are, you may be able to visit each other more frequently.How often you communicate is something you’ll have to work out together. Some couples choose to have set times, which can help avoid conflict about who’s turn it is to call whom. When you are studying in a new place, you will need to take time to pursue new interests, make new friends and, of course, study. It’s important to make the most of these new experiences, but it can be difficult for your partner. They may feel left out or worried that you’ll forget about them.It may take a few goes to get it right, but once you start communicating with each other at long distance, you’ll find there’s a balance that works for you. If you can’t visit each other during term time, plan something special for the holidays so you’ve got something to look forward to. Think carefully before making any big decisions It can be easy to get caught up in the passion of the present. You may be tempted to choose a university that’s closer to your partner, or even give up your studies altogether. It’s important to remember that this stage of your education could have profound consequences for your future. If your relationship is strong enough, it will survive the distance. Your education may not be quite so forgiving. Stop think about which matters most to you before you commit to a decision.
Article | big changes, long distance
3 min read
How getting married affects your finances
Getting married doesn’t affect your credit rating, but it may have some financial implications that you haven’t yet considered. If you have a joint account or a shared mortgage or bank loan, your credit rating will be tied to your partner’s, and affected by any changes. Most couples have at least one of these financial ties before tying the proverbial knot, so the act of getting married is unlikely to change any of this. Hannah Maundrell, editor in chief of money.co.uk, says: “Your credit record won’t be affected just because you say, ‘I do’; it’s not until you apply for joint accounts that you become financially linked. It will impact your entitlement to Tax Credits though, and you may also get tax back if you qualify for Marriage Allowance; so, it’s worth telling HMRC [and] insurance providers – this is definitely worth doing because it could mean you pay less for cover!” Marriage Allowance was introduced by the government in April 2015. What this means is that if you earn less than £11,500 and your spouse or civil partner earns more than that (but less than £45,000), then you may be eligible to transfer some of your tax-free allowance over to them. This guide will help you learn how to take advantage of this. You can also make tax-free gifts to your partner. For example, if one of you receives a financial inheritance, you can give a portion of this to your spouse without being taxed. You may also be able to cut the tax you are charged on your savings interest. When you earn interest in a regular savings account, you are charged tax according to your income tax bracket. If your spouse is in a lower tax bracket than you, or if they aren’t a tax-payer, storing your savings in their name can save you money on the interest you earn. Of course, it’s very important that you trust your partner before taking this on! If you have a will, it will become invalid as soon as you get married, so you will need to update it or write a new one. Hannah Maundrell says: “Tying the knot doesn’t mean that your every worldly possession is half your partner’s… while you’re alive at least. The situation is very different if you die, so you need to update your will as a priority because your old one will be invalidated. It does mean that you could earn more interest on your savings if you trust them with your money and they’re in a lower income tax band than you”.
Article | finance, marriage
3 min read
Moving house with a disabled child
Moving house is one of the most stressful things a family can go through. When you have a disabled child there are many extra factors to consider, on top of the usual expense and logistics of moving to a new location.  One of your biggest considerations will be your child’s support network, which includes not only schools, medical care and other local services, but also the support you get from family and friends. Even if you’re moving specifically to be closer to family, you may be moving away from other support that you’ve learned to rely on. When moving to a new location, you can help make the transition smoother by setting up as much as possible in advance. You may find it helpful to consider the following areas of support [1]. Access and information Find out where your new local services will be and how to access them. You should be able to find information about services and support for disabled children on any local authority website. If you are receiving services and support from the local authority where you live now, make sure you talk to them about transferring to your new local authority, as you may have to undergo a new assessment. There’s an expectation that the local authority where you live will at least liaise with the new authority about your child’s needs and support in the interim. You may also want to find out about what any registration processes and what you will have to do. If there is a waiting list, find out how long you are likely to have to wait and, if appropriate, get on the list as soon as possible. Cost Affordability is one of the main barriers between parents and services. Check if there are cost differences in services between where you live now and where you are moving to. Unfortunately, if you are receiving payments or funding for certain services now, your new local authority is not under any obligation to provide the same level of support or help in the interim while waiting for a new assessment to be carried out. Seek advice about this from the Contact helpline on 0808 808 3555, helpline@contact.org.uk. You may wish to factor this into your budget if you are able, and, if necessary, work out where you can make savings. Schools One of the biggest challenges you are likely to face is how to integrate your child into school and the wider community. How easy or hard this is for you will depend largely on where you are moving, and the age of your child.  Many parents find it difficult to push back against the status quo, concerned that they might be thought of as a ‘trouble parent’ [1], but it’s important to find a balance. Your child’s school experience is an essential part of their wellbeing and will help them to develop social skills for forming relationships as they get older. If there’s anything you’re not happy with, ask for something to be done about it, or consider other options. You’ll probably have started looking at schools as soon as you started considering the move. It’s also worth investigating community activities and other social opportunities for your child. If your child is receiving extra help at school, for example they have a statement of special educational needs, Education, Health and Care plan or Coordinated Support Plan, speak to the teacher responsible at school, and find out how the move to a new school will be managed. Again, seek advice from Contact’s education advice line about this on 0808 808 3555, email helpline@contact.org.uk Family support The work that goes into parenting a child with disabilities can take up so much of your time and energy that friends and family end up taking a back seat [2], but it’s impossible to put a value on having people living nearby whom you can rely on. Support from friends and extended family support can help you cope with the additional time demands and unpredictability of parenting [1] and, most of the time, it doesn’t cost anything. If you haven’t yet decided where to move, consider areas that are near supportive friends and family. They may even be able to offer advice on local services. Don’t assume they’ll always be able to support you though – other people shouldn’t be the only reason you move. Remember that if they decide to move away in a year’s time, you’ll still have to live in the new location.  It’s important to access whatever support is available, as it can allow you to spend quality time with your other children, and with each other as a couple [1]. If you are moving somewhere you won’t have family locally, make sure you check out options for respite care and other support such as counselling, sibling support and childcare. If funded support isn’t available, calculate the likely costs of any support you would have to pay for, and factor this into your moving plans. General tips Moving is stressful for everyone. These general tips may help to take some of the pressure off once you are ready to make the move. Look after yourselves Remember that you and your partner will also be affected by the upheaval of the move. During the build-up, eat well and try to get enough sleep. Don’t forget to think about activities that you can do in your new place, and make plans to explore the new area together. Clear your schedule During the week of the move, take some time off work and arrange for someone to look after the children, so that you can focus on getting everything else sorted. Let yourself off the hook You’re probably going to feel anxious and stressed for a bit, so don’t beat yourself up for not being perfect. Give yourself some space. Do some slow breathing. Talk to someone. Accept help If anyone offers practical support with your move, say, yes! Hand over a copy of your to-do list if you have to – just let people help. Focus on the positives Remind yourself of why you are moving – better job prospects, a nicer location, or perhaps just a home that suits your family’s needs better. Whatever it was that led you to make the decision to move, keep it in mind, and look forward to the things that matter most. References [1] Resch, J. A., Mireles, G. Benz, M. R., Grenwelge, C., Peterson, R., & Zhang, D. (2010). Giving Parents a Voice: A Qualitative Study of the Challenges Experienced by Parents of Children With Disabilities. Rehabilitation Psychology, 2010, 55(2), 139-150.  [2] Brannen, M. A., & Heflinger, C. A. (2006). Caregiver, child, family, and service system contributors to caregiver strain in two mental health service systems. The Journal of Behavioral Health Services and Research, 33, 408 – 422.
Article | parenting, disability
7 min read
“Is this just a crush?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hey guys. SO. I have never asked a community like this about stuff, but I feel like I'm at the end of my rope or road or whatever. Before I met my current partner I had never been in a "real bf/gf relationship". In fact, I was still hurting badly from a guy I fell for 3 yrs ago who told me if I moved states we could date...Then I moved states and surprise, he ignored me to my breaking point. I have finally just within the past month gotten completely over him. Anyway, my first ever bf moved in with me a month after dating me bc my female roommate told me she wanted him and if I dated him she would abandon the lease. So she abandoned the lease dramatically and he moved in with me. He is 3 yrs younger than me and we used to fight a lot over things that have never been an issue to the other guys I have known--and several times he and I got physical and left bruises on each other. But, we always made up for it and always told each other we only fought bc we care so much not like the other guys who would have just ignored the "issues". Most of it was my stress to keep the apartment bc I was working more than him and he had a very part time job.... Fast forward and we are both making a much better wage and are living in a different apartment. We don't fight as much BUT this is where I need advice!! (Finally!) To give you a picture of my life, I used to be really dark and sad and then I got involved with light workers and spent a lotta time outside and meditating and since I am a singer and writer I sort of bloomed past all the darkness...I love seeing people living their dream and I love health, which you can often see in someone's eyes. Well my bf is very dark. He makes me watch horror movies (which i really don't like but i am trying to get past it) and he is a funeral directing intern, plus he hates sunlight. So he will never be out there sunning with me or swimming, which makes my lil heart sad. He is not a bad guy tho, he has a huge heart for his family and for me and is constantly spending money on me, so don't assume he's mean or something. The point is, we actually went to a farmers market and my lower wisdom tooth was hurting like hell bc it's erupting so he noticed a CBD booth that was selling capsules. He asked the guy selling if they would help tooth pain while I was smelling all the CBD soaps--they were amazing and I was so fascinated by them I didn't even look up and see the guy who was at the booth till my bf mentioned me and I was in so much pain I could hardly even smile. But what struck me right away was when I did look up, all I saw was a hazel ocean of light and depth and so many good auras that even tho I am typically a shy person I maintained eye contact. My eyes are heterochromic, one blue one hazel, so I may have been striking him the same way. But anyway, is this just a crush? I do love hazel eyes, and my bf has brown eyes so is it just stupid. Oh and then he mentioned his male roommate had tooth pain which didn't get helped by cannabis and then my bf and I walked away and I mentioned to him I would pay for cbd salve for his back bc he has scoliosis. He insisted he would pay for it himself so he did and I wandered around the market half in a daze and half in incredible tooth pain. It was a small market and as I walked down the center with my dog the CBD guy was looking at us. I purposefully didn't look back, because i am crushed inside....My bf knew from the start I didn't want a relationship but honestly he was so kind and sweet to me that I felt it would be unfair to live and share life with someone in such close quarters without letting them claim me. But the week leading up to this event has been filled with me wanting to tell him I feel like something is missing. He wants to buy a camper in 9months and live out of it with me and just travel and work odd jobs, I wonder if even if I never see the hazel eyed CBD guy again, maybe it is all connected and I should just keep my job as a dental assistant and not live out of a trailer with my bf in 9 months?? I really don't want to quit my job but trailer life seems cool and we would travel a ton and have lots of adventures. I just am divided and also like I alluded to I am not in love with my bf, never have been just he has been so kind and he knows how to treat me during bdsm which no one else even had the creative capacity to try. But ok I will admit I wish we weren't in a relationship:( i will take any and all advice! --
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“Travelling vs settling down”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend and I have been together for five years now. I have had my own house for two years, which he lives in and contributes a more than a fair share towards bills and food. We are both in our early 30’s. He wants to travel and I want to settle down. We have talked about selling my house and buying one together in 2019, as well as potentially starting a family. For years he has loosely talked about travel, but never seems to make any solid plans to achieve this goal. At one point (due to redundancy), I had said that I would consider travelling 1 month with him and then fly home, leaving him to complete his travels on his own or with whoever he pleases. This would be between being made redundant and starting a new job. I soon got cold feet and worried about paying my mortgage when he started changing his mind about which month to go. I thought this could turn into me being on hold waiting through his long decision making process and then the travel not actually happening. I also started to feel like travelling wasn’t for me and I was planning the month purely for him, and it was a big risk not lining up a job when there were no solid plans in place. A few months ago, he told me he was depressed and really unhappy in his job, so I encouraged him to do his travel alone and take a career break. He has considered taking his career in a different direction, so my opinion was that this would be the perfect time. He has spent the past three month researching travelling alone and put the feelers out to other companies he may wish to work for in future. He is now starting to get cold feet about going travelling in July and is considering holding off until January 19 as the weather is better in Vietnam. For me, I feel like this is another case of him being unable to commit to plans and actually make decisions. I feel as if my asks of him in a relationship are not important as moving out his travels overlaps with us buying a home together. My life feels like it is on hold for him, while he slowly ponders on how to go about his travels.
Ask the community | communication, trust
“Friends or lovers?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So I've been best friends with this girl for 4yrs. Last yr I came out of a 7yr relationship and she was totally my rock through the breakup. We went out for Valentine's Day and continued to spend almost everyday together for the last couple months. I began to fall in love with her. A month and half ago we fell asleep together and held each other all night. It was wonderful and I thought we had maybe moved to the next level. But then nothing else progressed. We're still together all the time but no sex or even kissing. I started to feel my love was one-sided and was feeling awkward when we were together. This past week another woman that I guess had been eyeing me up for awhile contacted me and we began to talk. There was an immediate connection so we decided to go on a date last night and there was sparks. When my friend found out she got very angry that I went out with another woman. I told her I loved her and I was confused. She didn't respond and refused to talk to me today. Meanwhile the new girl wants to go on a date again tomorrow. I'm confused and don't what to do. I don't want to hurt my friend but also don't want to pass on an opportunity for something real with a woman likes me.
Ask the community | dating
“Too much, too soon?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   A few weeks ago I connected with a woman on a dating app, this one is designed to work with your Facebook profile and recommends friends of friends etc with the potential of finding someone more suitable. We’re both in our late 20 but not quite at 30 yet. We are mutual friends with another couple, me knowing the guy through university and her the girl through a previous job. Long story short the conversation quickly progressed and it was clear we found one another easy to talk to. We exchanged numbers and she was quite forward saying I could then ask her what her plans for the weekend were. We arranged dinner for Saturday but on Saturday morning she asked if I wanted to meet sooner and go for a coffee and progress to dinner. Throughout the week she had kept telling me how much she was looking forward to our date. Our first date essentially ended up being 8 hours together with conversation flowing easily, no awkward silences or thinking what to talk about next. We then arranged a date for the following week, a dinner on Friday at a nice restaurant and once again on the afternoon of the date she is asking again to meet earlier for a drink in a bar and progress to dinner. Dinner is extremely good and again conversation flowing and it is apparent how similar we are. She invites me home that evening and to spare details that also went very well and we end up spending the Saturday together talking and relaxing with the intention of spending another night together at my house. But a few hours in to being at mine she then asks if she could go home as suddenly everything just got intense for her and she realises she hasn’t spend two nights in a row with a man before. I then get a message on the Sunday telling me that it all got too much too quickly and she would like to leave things there. It’s been two weeks now and I wasn’t quite ready to finish, in fact for me given how easy it was to be in her company I thought this had the foundations to be something serious and given how much more forward she has been than me, thought it was mutual. I would like to reach out to her again but I am also respecting her boundaries. To me we were a good fit but I can’t quite understand why she didn’t just ask to slow down instead of the reality that is completely stopping things altogether? She hasn’t told me she no longer likes me, just that it was too much for her so I don’t know where exactly that leaves me. I haven’t felt that spark with someone I’ve dated in a long while that I did with her so don’t want it to extinguish.
Ask the community | dating, commitment
“Where is this relationship headed?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So I met this guy online and he lives about 2 hours away from where I live, We've been talking for 3 months now I've made the first move to call him on the on the phone twice and he hasn't done his part in calling me idk what's the big deal is before cell phones before all this texting people spoke on the phone , don't get me wrong i like texting myself but if you like someone don't you want to hear their voice ? oh yea! we haven't met yet every time we were suppose to meet something would happen on his part or on mine i have a son and he knows this and said he was okay with it so the 1st time we couldn't meet because my son father cancelled on my son so i had no one to take care of my son (i'm a single mom with no sitter no one to relay on) and then the next time we were suppose to meet his parents went out on a vacation cruse and had to dog sit and i said why don't you bring your dog he said she was an old dog and couldn't handle the long drive i wouldn't know bc i don't have a pet dog so i was pretty sad about that, so fast forwarding time.... Well it was all great at the start the whole good morning, my love , the i wish i was with you right now and all those sweet things you want to hear ... So it's been 2 weeks now and I've notice some change . He went on a job training for a week and in that week he wouldn't txt me good morning he will txt me after he was done okay that's fine no biggie but forwarding to this Monday i asked him a question and asked him... " has your feelings changed for me " H- "Yea i think they have " M-"In what way''? H- "idk they just changed" M- (his name) Have the feelings changed to less or more? H- "They are the same but different". Easy question right? it's a Yes or No more or less type of question isn't it? M-"okay so if i came to you and said (his name) Yes my feelings have changed for you but not really telling you if they are more or less, How would you take that'? H- Fine as long as you still want to be with me. M- Well that brings another great question! Do you want to be with me ? H- Yes. So at this point i once poured out my feelings telling him.... M- I just don't want to be someone you just settle for .I want you to want me like you did before and not for less. H-"I just don't know what to say" me in my head (WHAT!?) so i said... M- See (his name) that's not going to cut it that answer gives me nothing but more confusion, so the last text i sent him was " How about i don't text you for a few days and let you think what you really want or really want to say more then just IDK WHAT TO SAY so if by WED i don't hear from you i'll know ,I just don't want to be wondering . Never txt saying okay or anything so we are on Tuesday got one more day. So can anyone please tell me what to think. I have a clue of what i'm feeling and thinking and what this might mean but i would like some input please. Than you! P.S I have been single for 5 1/2 years now dedicated my time to my son and myself i'm just looking for love once again.
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“I want a relationship, but know it's a bad idea”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I am a high-school senior who's about to do his final exams and start his year-long military service afterwards, where I'll rarely be allowed to visit home. As soon as I am done with my service, I am to study in another country for 4 years and will only be coming to my homeland once a year or so. (P.S. I'm in Europe) I've avoided starting any relationships previously, because I knew teenage relationships are fragile and almost never stand the test of time, especially when you have to serve in the military and study in another country. I've also sometimes feared that relationships might distract me from things that are more important. I've always put my future and career above all else. I'm also a guy who isn't really into "fun" relationships that last a few of months or maybe years, as is often popular for young people these days. I want mine to be solid and long-lasting, as a proper relationship should be. I guess horoscopes have a degree of truth to them, since I'm a Capricorn and we are notorious for this lmao I'm a tall, athletic guy who's often successful on a national and sometimes international level. I can say that I'm above average in terms of looks, maybe even a bit higher than that (though it's subjective). I'll also say that I can be a bit of an introvert at times. I've had girls fall for me quite a few times, too. I'm not saying all this to brag, but to say that what I'm facing now is not because I fear rejection (because I'm generally confident), or that I was ridiculed for my looks during some sort of failed attempt at getting a date that resulted in an inferiority-complex. I also promise you I do not have a superiority complex - I know my flaws very well and I am willing to work on them. This year I've noticed that I just feel a great, subconscious urge to start a relationship, and have realized that chatting to and flirting with girls releases some sort of Dopamine rush for me. It never goes beyond anything other than said flirting and chatting, since I'm still in control of my actions in general and I keep reminding myself to focus on what's really important, but I feel as if this urge is getting stronger by the day, and it's not a good feeling. Is what I'm experiencing normal? How can I resist this urge? Should I give in? Thanks in advance! Tl;dr: I've never bothered with a relationship before, but now I feel a great urge to start a relationship despite knowing and telling myself that now is not the time to do so because of my mil. service and studies. Is this normal? How do I fight this urge? Should I give in? Thanks!
User article | sex, intimacy
“Scared to commit at such a young age”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend and I have an amazing relationship. We have compatible dreams but he is way more daring in wanting to fulfil them asap. As a very young person (21) I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into a huge commitment with him like creating a business together with some of his friends and buying land together and all these crazy amazing things. Of course, down the line, like 5 years or so I’d be way more open to it but he wants all this to happen in a year so we’ve started planning now. I’m having a lot of anxiety about committing to this huge life change and person so young. Of course I love him and I know he loves me and his actions match that. He came into money when he turned 21 because of a trust fund and he’s waited on buying the perfect place for the two of us to have. Otherwise if it were just him, he would have bought something smaller a long time ago. I can honestly see myself marrying this guy. He feels like Home and the one person I feel completely myself around and I don’t think I’ll find that in anyone else. I’m scared of the commitment. I want to hear other people’s thoughts because I need unbiased reassurance or advice on how to conquer this.
Ask the community | living together, big changes
“I really like this guy but I'm his boss”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   A few months ago I ended a 5-year relationship with a guy who ended up cheating on me. We live and work in a small town, so pretty much everyone found out about the whole thing immediately. So I take a couple weeks off, come back to work and we've hired a new guy. Departments only about 15 people large, but I am a shift manager and have direct authority over the department. In other words, I am this guys immediate supervisor (you can see where this is going already I bet). Of course we start hanging out, because he's amazing and we have a ton in common. I started getting the feels less than a month knowing him, and excused it as being hurt from my previous relationship and wanting something new and fun. As time has gone on though, I realize it's more than just an infatuation. I really like this guy. Problem number #1 is of course, I'm his boss, and it most definitely is against company policy for us to date. Problem #2 is that I don't actually have confirmation he feels at all the same way. Everything in every 'is he into you' guide screams yes, but he's kind of socially awkward (another lovely trait we have in common) and absolutely won't make a move no matter what the situation. We flirt regularly, but it's casual, text 100+ times a day, and generally have that kind of high school pre-relationship relationship we all remember (not so fondly). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know he isn't the type of guy to run to HR if I simply tell him I have a crush on him. The real fear there is screwing up the friendship we've begun to build. I like this guy enough to not want to lose him from my life, in any capacity. If he doesn't reciprocate, I don't want to make things weird between us. I feel like through my inaction though I have no chance of seeing if this could be a real thing. He knows I just went through a bad breakup, and part of me feels like he's just being super respectful by not pushing, but another part of me thinks he doesn't see us as anything but platonic and is awkward enough to not really get the signals he's sending. Halp me internet. What am I supposed to do?
Ask the community | someone else, crush
Grieving for an aborted pregnancy
Making the decision to abort a pregnancy is tough, even if it feels like the right thing to do. Some couples face a difficult time in their relationship following that decision. Guilt With any major life choice, it’s natural to go through the what-ifs and the maybe-I-should-haves. This can happen no matter what decisions you’ve made. People carry guilt individually but, if a decision is shared, the guilt can weigh on you as a couple and potentially lead to blame-shifting or resentment. Grief Some people and couples still have a grieving process to go through, even if it was their decision to terminate. The following research refers to miscarriages and stillbirths, but the lessons of grief are applicable: In the study, most mothers and fathers struggled to understand their partners' grieving style. Fathers described having to focus on practical tasks and needing to remain strong, which meant that the way they grieved was very different to their partner’s [1]. People grieve and express loss in different ways [2] [3] and develop their own coping styles, which may not be recognised or understood by their partner. Some people are not consciously aware of their own coping style. How can I help? If you’re feeling upset or vulnerable after the abortion, it may be worth talking to a counsellor, or someone else you can trust. Talking through your pain is a helpful part of the healing process. Speak to your partner about how you are feeling and talk about what you might find helpful during this time. Keep in mind that your partner may be grieving too –perhaps in a different way – and try to offer support as well as asking for it. Coping with guilt There’s often a temptation to bury guilt or pretend it’s not there. Instead, try to recognise your guilt when it flares up, and talk to your partner about it. Talking it through and being heard may help you find some relief. Keeping the dialogue open and honest can also make things easier if it comes up again. If you’re able to support each other and show patience, you may even find that you become closer in your relationship. Coping with grief If you and your partner have different coping styles, it can be a source of frustration in the relationship. Take the time to talk sensitively with your partner about how you’ve both coped with grief in the past. It might not be the easiest conversation but, as you learn to understand each other’s coping styles, you’ll find that you have more tolerance and patience for one another. In the study, even the most bereaved parents were able to accept each other’s entirely different coping styles, and went on to become closer together in sharing their loss [4]. References [1] Campbell-Jackson, L., and Horsch, A. (2014). The Psychological Impact of Stillbirth on Women: A Systematic Review. Illness, Crisis & Loss, 22(3), 237-256. doi:10.2190/il.22.3.d [2] Dyregrov and Matthiesen (1987). Anxiety and vulnerability after the death of an infant. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology. 1987, 28: 16-25 [3] Gold, K.J., Sen, A., Hayward, R.A. (2010). Marriage and Cohabitation Outcomes After Pregnancy Loss. American Academy of Pediatrics [4] Avelin, P., Rådestad, I., Säflund, K., Wredling, R., Erlandsson, K. (2013). Parental grief and relationships after the loss of a stillborn baby. Midwifery. June 2013, Volume 29, Issue 6, Pages 668–673. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2012.06.007
Article | abortion, grief
4 min read
“I can't accept this rejection”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I am fresh out of an 8-year relationship, 3 months out and counting. My ex & myself are getting on well, both trying to support each other through the break-up. (although she has told me multiple times she wants me back I don't feel the same) In the meantime I have met someone else. She is a warm, genuine stunning woman whom I didn't mean to fall in love with, however I have. We went on nights out in a crowd of people and always ended up dancing and laughing. We got on like a house on fire. One day I told a 'friend' how I felt about her & well it got back to her & she very nearly shut down, told me she didn't want a relationship just yet & I should give myself time to get over my ex. But we still went out, still got on & still had such a laugh. Slowly as the months passed it was fairly evident we was opening up to the possibility of a relationship, despite her resistance. I then made the single stupidest mistake of my life. I went to my ex to clear the last of my stuff out & well one thing lead to another & we had sex. I regretted it imminently & apologised. My ex was very level headed about the whole thing & told me it didn't matter - 'one for the road'! Somehow the girl I was interested in found out but not before I had 'the moment'. By 'the moment' what I mean is the moment I fell properly hard in love, with her & it was like nothing I felt before - they say your heart punches out your chest & I can say its true. I knew at the moment she was the one. Now I know she has a 'history' - not all of it pretty, she is certainly not whiter than white some of which included adultery, but her past is her past. As far as I'm concerned I fell in love with her not her past. When confronted my on the sex I told the truth & she went apoplectic - & rightfully so. I was such a idiot I couldn't - can't - believe I did it. She banned me form going out with our friends - which are mostly her friends & doesn't want to know me at all. The barriers up & its not coming down. I suddenly realised although we never went on a date, or kissed or spent any real time alone she clearly felt more than 'close friends'. A month & a half later after busting my ass trying to at least relight our friendship she shot me down again - telling me she only wants a 'working' relationship and nothing more - ever. This I'm finding REALLY hard to accept. We were so close. We had so many laughs & overnight its gone. I'm talking to friends about her & using their suggestions but nothing seems to get through. Then some days shes chatting to me & smiling with her stunning eyes, then others nothing. When I look her in the eye I can see the hate where there used to be love. When she answers the phone & realises its me you can actually her her tone change. about the only thing I can still do is make her a coffee. People tell me she doesn't like men. I've been told there might be 'something' in her past which I have either reminded her of (which I'm not her past) but not told what. I've also told shes scared of a relationship. The latest is shes just not interested in me like that which I find so hard to accept, I don't understand how she can just turn it off like that. One of her friends has said I should stick it out & wait but it probably wont be this side of Christmas which I find impossible but whatever it takes, she is 100% certain she will come back. Others say I should just sit her down & have it out with her & if shes still not interested then walk away. She has a very close friend who I know & I wonder if I should talk to her but if she finds out I think it kill of anything that remains. My question is why can't I just except it? Should I wait? Give it more time? Or go face to face with her & have it all out. If I give it time how long? Every morning shes on my mind, every night.
Ask the community | breakups, rejection, cheating
“Our life paths don't line up”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I don’t know if we should continue our relationship. We have been dating each other for a couple of months and are very much in love and have communicated to each other that we both feel very compatible and have a great connection with no issues with each other. We also feel that we are a perfect match. The only hang-up is that our careers and life situations and paths don’t quit line up and is complicated. He is still uncertain with his career plans, and is currently in the military and trying to figure out if he wants to stay or not or pursue another career. I have been very supportive. Due to the current custody situation with my son, I can’t move out of the city with my son and we both feel that stability is important for a child, which I have been giving him as a single mom. I am 39 and he is 33, and we both want a family with kids, but the longer I wait, my chances decrease. We are both seeking a serious relationship, but cannot get over the hurdle of trying to figure out and see a clear future with each other in order to move forward. We have discussed this and he says that he’s holding back from truly loving me completely because of this.
Ask the community | career, stepfamily
Making a commitment: goals and dreams
What are your goals and dreams? Take a moment to think about why you'd like to achieve certain things. Often there’s an underlying need – such as stability, excitement, popularity or self-fulfilment. With some goals, it may be more about being true to the things that matter for you, like caring for friends and family, working in a job that makes a difference, or standing up for your beliefs and values. Discussing your dreams with your partner – sharing what drives you – can help you to feel closer and more intimate as you make a commitment to each other. Hopes and expectations   As well as sharing your dreams, it is important to look at what each of you expects from your life together. Being open and clear about your hopes and expectations can help you work together to achieve what you both want. Your hopes and expectations will be influenced by many things, including previous relationships, friends, family members, the media, your age, and some of your significant life experiences. One of the most significant influences might be whatever you learned from your parents’ relationships as you were growing up. Some of your learned behaviour from your parents may not show itself until you enter a long-term relationship or become a parent yourself, but it can have a much more powerful influence than you realise. Finding yourself behaving like your parents can be a shock, especially if it’s something you have been trying to avoid. It's perfectly normal to have doubts or feel scared about making a commitment. Taking steps like moving in together, getting married, or having children are among the biggest decisions you’ll make in your life. But, if you can share your feelings, and support and reassure each other, then you're on the right track. Money matters Making a commitment can be like a merger. You may need to strike a balance between holding on to some financial independence and covering your new shared responsibilities. Because money is a sensitive and personal issue, many couples avoid talking about their concerns, especially in the early days. But, if you are worried about money, you may be able to help avoid problems getting any bigger by having an open conversation with your partner, and making plans. There are certain factors that can help you determine whether money might be a problem between you – differences in what you earn; what you like to spend money on; how you split paying for going out; how you handle big purchases like holidays; etc. Getting married or moving in together can be expensive, and many couples will need to rely on loans or credit to cover the costs. Before you take on any debts, agree together how you are going to pay it back, and make sure you can manage it together. If one partner feels pressured into financial outlays that they can’t afford, it can lead to unnecessary stress and resentment, so it’s important to discuss money concerns when they first arise. Having a monthly planner can help. You can work out a budget together, including all items that you will cover as a couple, and keeping your individual spending separate. Work out what you will spend each month, and which of you will take responsibility for what. A joint account can be a good way of dealing with shared outgoings like rent, bills, and grocery shopping. Sorting this stuff out early can help you avoid arguments later . Working out your budget may trigger conversations about what will change as you deepen your commitment. Be honest with each other about your worries and expectations. Discuss your attitudes to money and any hopes and fears you may have about financial security. In addition to the monthly planner, you might want to look at your longer-term goals. Write down some ideas for what you want to accomplish over the next few years. This doesn’t need to be set in stone – you can revisit it yearly to see how things are going and what, if anything, has changed for both of you. Even when you don’t agree, having a sense of each other’s goals and dreams can help you to understand each other better.
Article | commitment, goals
Commitment phobia
Most couples realise that relationships can only work in the long term when both partners make some form of commitment. Why then do some people who love their partners continue to fear the ‘C’ word? Loss of independence Some people see commitment and compromise as a loss of independence. However, a committed relationship doesn’t need to mean a total loss of self. While you might spend most of your time together in the early days, most people in long-term relationships go through a phase of ‘finding themselves’, where each partner wonders, “Who am I? What do I want? What do I need?” This may not happen at the same time for both partners but, with good communication, most couples find they reach a stage of ‘reconciliation in their relationship, where they have a good balance between feeling part of a twosome and feeling like two individuals who enjoy time together and apart. Avoiding past hurt People who’ve been hurt in the past might worry about future relationships ending in pain or failure. If your partner has experienced a painful breakup or bitter divorce, they may worry about history repeating itself. Likewise, someone who had a bad experience loss at a young age, through bereavement or a parental separation, may find it difficult to form strong bonds as an adult. For many people this is unintentional, and they may not even be aware of the issue. The timing isn’t right Some people have a mental checklist of things to achieve before they settle down. This could be anything from getting a degree, to travelling the world, or earning a salary that can support a family. Some people prefer to postpone making a relationship commitment until the feel like they have something to offer. Uncertainty of feelings People have different levels of emotional awareness.  Some people avoid the difficult feelings sometimes associated with relationships by throwing themselves into other activities like work and sports to feel busy and successful. Understanding your own thoughts and feelings is important when considering making a commitment. Thoughts and feelings inform and guide the big decisions in life. People may be less willing to make commitments when they’re struggling to understand their own feelings. Keeping one's options open Some people shy away from commitment due to a quest for perfection. Many of us are taught to seek the ‘perfect partner’ – someone who is good-looking, intelligent, funny, charming, successful, and who likes the same things we do and has plenty of money. These people might be facing an important task but, until they learn that for themselves, commitment might just not be on the cards. Wanting to move on If one partner is unhappy or no longer in love, they may start to avoid commitment because they lack the communication skills to address the issue or are unsure of how to tell you they want to exit the relationship.  It can be helpful to start a conversation about what you both want from the relationship and what your hopes are for the future – you don’t need to take any drastic steps or leap to immediate action, but you’ll both be better equipped to make decisions about the future of your relationship when you each know where the other stands.
Article | commitment
4 min read
Why parents should make a will
Making a will ensures that your money and possessions will be distributed according to your wishes. When a person dies without having made a will, it is called ‘dying intestate’. Without a will, your money and possessions could be distributed in a way you may not have wanted. By making a will, you can ensure that your estate (your money, property and possessions) is passed on in the way you want. You can nominate someone to be responsible for dealing with your will and passing on your estate. It’s important to review your will from time to time and keep it up to date, especially if your circumstances change. After getting married or registering a civil partnership, you will need to make a new will, as any existing wills become void. Not married or not civil partnered Couples who are not married or not civil partnered can only inherit from each other if there is a will. And, unless your partner has specifically named you in a will, you will not be automatically nominated as their personal representative to sort out what is left behind. Without a will, the only option for a surviving partner who feels they have not received reasonable financial provision is to make a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependants) Act 1975. Married or civil partnered - when survived by a spouse or civil partner and children If your estate is worth up to £250,000, everything goes to your surviving spouse or civil partner. If your estate is valued at more than £250,000, the first £250,000 plus personal possessions go to your spouse or civil partner. Half of the rest is shared equally among your children, and the income or interest on the remainder goes to your spouse or civil partner until they die. At this stage, the capital is shared equally between your children. Married or civil partnered - when survived by a spouse or civil partner, and either the parents or siblings (but no children) If your estate is worth up to £450,000, everything goes to your surviving spouse or civil partner. If your estate is valued at more than £450,000, the first £450,000 goes to your spouse or civil partner, along with half of the rest and all your personal possessions. The other half is shared equally between parents, or shared between siblings if there are no surviving parents. Note: These rules only apply to ‘whole blood’ siblings, which means brother or sisters who share both parents with you. If you have children, your will should say what you would want to happen to them if you or your partner die, whatever your marital status. Inheritance tax - not married and not civil partnered Inheritance tax is applied to the value of an estate when the owner dies. Assets below £325,000 fall into something called the nil-rate band and are charged 0% tax. Assets above £325,000 are taxed at 40%, so it’s quite a big jump. If your family home is worth more than £325,000, this could cause a problem. There have been cases where surviving partners have had to sell off their shared home just to cover the inheritance tax. In areas where property prices have risen, it may be too expensive to buy another home nearby. Inheritance tax - married or civil partnered Married and civil partnered people are offered special circumstances that allow them to transfer their nil-rate band to a partner after they die. Any of the £325,000 allowance that hasn’t been used can be transferred to the surviving spouse or civil partner’s estate, effectively doubling the threshold to £650,000. Later, when the surviving spouse or civil partner dies, inheritance tax kicks in only when the value of their estate exceeds their own nil-rate band and the partner’s unused nil-rate band. However, inheritance tax does apply to anything left to any children. Further information You can find more information and advice on making a will at Citizens Advice. The legal information on this page was checked by Langleys Solicitors.
Article | inheritance, finance
4 min read
Living apart together: an increasing trend
One in 10 adults live apart from their partner, according to research by NatCen, Bradford University and Birkbeck University. The research, Living Apart Together: uncoupling intimacy and co-residence, describes this style of relationship as ‘Living Apart Together’ (LAT) and refers to couples who are monogamous and committed but do not live together. In official statistics, however, most of these people are classed as ‘single’. Two decades ago, dating couples began to move in together more quickly but the research shows that many couples are now choosing to, live apart. 30% of adults don’t feel ready to live with their partner. Other groups in the study can’t live together for financial reasons, because of jobs or education, or because of other commitments, such as children. Almost 90% of LATs talk to their partner every day by phone, email, text or online messaging. Just under 70% said they have face-to-face time with their partner several times a week. Lack of face-to-face time can have a direct effect on intimacy in LAT relationships. Just 34% of participants in the study said they turn to their partner for help dealing with problems that require emotional support, and 20% said their partner looks after them when they are unwell A relationship is usually considered strong when partners can rely on each other for physical, emotional and financial support. However, a sense of independence is also important in relationships. Living apart together gives couples more control over their daily lives, and how they manage their homes and finances – the kinds of things that many couples bicker about. So, while LAT couples may be less reliant on each other for support than cohabiting couples, they may also be more independent and less likely to argue. What do you think? Are you in a LAT relationship? How does it affect you and your partner? Do you intend to move in together in future or are you both satisfied with the way things are? Share your stories below.
Article | living apart together
3 min read
Finances: planning for the future
Although money isn’t the most romantic topic, it’s an unavoidable part of any relationship. Your financial situation as a couple differs depending on whether you are married, civil partnered, or not. Married or civil partnered couples have a legal duty to support each other but cohabiting couples don’t, even after a separation. Working out a budget can help you keep track of the money you have coming in and how much you spend. You can find a budget planner on the Money Advice Service website. Separate bank accounts If you are not married or civil partnered, you won’t be able to access money held in each other’s separate bank accounts. If one of you dies, any money in the account will not be available until the estate is settled. If you are married or civil partnered, you can only access money in your spouse’s or partner’s account with their permission. If one of you dies, the account becomes part of the inheritance and automatically goes to a spouse or civil partner, unless the will says otherwise. Joint accounts If you have a joint account, you both have the right to access the money. If one of you dies, the account immediately becomes the property of the other, even if you are not married or civil partnered. If you are the only one putting money into the joint account, the money and any purchases you make from it legally belong to you. If you have a joint bank account with your spouse or civil partner, the money - including any debts or overdrafts - is owned jointly, regardless of who has been paying money in, or taking money out. If one partner dies, the account immediately becomes the property of the other. Debts Whether you are married, in a civil partnership, or not, you are not responsible for any debts in your partner’s name, including in their separate bank account. If you do have debts, always take advice as soon as possible. You can speak to Citizens Advice or a debt counselling agency such as the National Debtline (0808 808 4000). In some circumstances, you may need to contact an insolvency practitioner. If you have a joint bank account, things may be more difficult if you are not married and not civil partnered. To close a joint account, you both need to give consent. If the account is not closed, one of you could run up an overdraft and leave the other one responsible for it. If you have a joint mortgage or rent, you are legally responsible for covering each other’s share. Real couples tell their debt stories on our debt and relationships site. Visit the site to see our short animations and expert advice. Credit cards and personal loans If a credit card is in your name, you are liable for the payments, even if your partner is a named user. If you hold the card jointly, then you are both liable. If you take out a loan with your partner, you are both responsible for repaying the borrowed amount. Taxes If you and your partner live together and are not married or civil partnered, you are treated as two separate individuals. This makes a difference to how you are taxed. Married couples and civil partners have certain advantages because they are given tax exemptions for Capital Gains Tax and Inheritance Tax. As an unmarried or uncivil partnered couple, you may be liable for: Capital Gains Tax: This applies to the profit made when you sell or give away an asset, which can include property or possessions worth over £6,000. Everyone has an annual allowance of £11,300 (as of 2017). Beyond this allowance, if you want to transfer assets to your partner, you will be charged Capital Gains Tax if you are not married or civil partnered. Inheritance Tax: This applies to the value of an estate when the owner dies. It is charged in two bands: Assets below £325,000 are charged 0% tax and assets above £325,000 are taxed at 40% (2017). Married and civil partnered people can transfer this to a partner after they die, effectively doubling the threshold to £650,000. As a married or civil partnered couple, you can transfer assets between you without having to pay Capital Gains Tax, and inherit assets from each other without having to pay Inheritance Tax, which can be a large amount of money if a house is part of the inheritance. Although it isn’t possible to avoid these taxes completely, there are ways of arranging your assets to lessen your liability, even if you are not married and not civil partnered. You can ask an accountant or solicitor about the best way to arrange your financial affairs. Benefits and tax credits Some benefits are awarded regardless of marital status. For example, Child Benefit, Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credit are not affected by marital status, income or savings. Other benefits, such as widow’s benefits, are only available to people who are married or civil partnered. Pensions Although the rules vary between pension companies, spouses or civil partners are entitled to inherit pension rights on the death of their husband, wife, or civil partner. People who live together and are not married or civil partnered are in a vulnerable position when it comes to pensions. Employers who give pensions or death-in-service payments to spouses or civil partners do not usually recognise partners who live together. But things are changing and a few pension companies have shown flexibility. The most important thing you or your partner can do is to name each other as the person you want to benefit from the policy. Useful contacts Citizens Advice – legal rights and advice HM Revenue & Customs – UK tax authority Jobcentre Plus – work-related benefits The National Insurance helpline – 0300 200 3519 Tax Credits helpline –0845 300 3900 or textphone 0845 300 3909 Child Benefit Office helpline – 0300 200 3100 Advicenow - guide on tax, benefits, and living together. Community Care - an ‘A to Z’ of benefits. The Pensions Advisory Service – free and impartial pension advice Unbiased – professional and legal advice service database The legal information on this page was checked by Langleys Solicitors, and updated in 2017.
Article | finance
“His baby mama lives with his mom”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Short Version: His baby mama lives with his mom, he lives elsewhere. I would have felt better about this situation had I not realized that he is still taking very careful steps not to impose on her feelings. They have not been together for 2 years, he is not on child support, and they have been friends since high school for 8 years or so. Him and I have a serious relationship, open communication, his mom knows about me and knows that he plans to be with me in the future. Problems arose when he went to his mother's house to see his son, and I noticed he was only calling me once he left the house to run errands. The very night I confronted him about the baby mama not knowing of me (via text), is the same night she went into his room, went through his text messages while his phone was on the charger and he was working (he's a social media influencer). That's how she found out about me. My question is how should I confront him about this situation cause it's making me uncomfortable. He won't put his foot down with her. Hes being overly cautious of her feelings and she has control of him because of this, and I don't like this. He says child support and custody is the furthest thing from her mind so that's why hes trying not to set her off. But all I see is excuses. If she walks over your feelings, is inconsiderate of your time, and talks down to you, it's because you haven't put your foot down
Ask the community | someone else, parenting together
“Hot and cold”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So basically I met this guy on a dating site and everything was going really well, we had quite a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. We would talk everyday, he would message me in the morning and ask how I was every morning. We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day he said someone had rang in sick at work and be couldn't make it. All of a sudden after this he started being really distant and now his morning texts get later and later everyday. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he just said he had a lot on with work etc. The past few days he has been distant but fairly talkative until today he didn't message me until the evening and only replied a few times. I have tried giving him space and being nice etc but he's been distant now for nearly a week. I am thinking the worst that he's not into me anymore but I don't know what to do whether to ask him or just keep giving him space? Last time we saw each other a week ago he was still lovely and there was nothing to suggest he wasn't into me anymore. He has just gone distant all of a sudden since when he was supposed to see me on Valentine's day so I really don't have a clue what is going on with him. Since he started being distant he will give me fast replies and ask what my plans are but then won't reply for 5 hours or even won't reply until the next day, i havent suggested meeting up as i'm taking it as he's not interested anymore but then i dont know whether me not suggesting is making him think i'm not into him anymore? I dont know whether he just texts for the sake of it now and so I'm being short with him but he's still being distant. This distance was all out of the blue it was going really well until he cancelled last Wednesday and all of a sudden he's become all distant randomly. I don't know whether I should suggest meeting or maybe be nice as I always wait for him to message me first so I don't know whether that's giving him the wrong message. He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him and before he went distant he seemed genuinely nice compared to the others I've had before he was respectful etc so I don't know whether the fact he was cheated on is making him insecure etc and that's why he's stopped putting effort into me or whether it is that he's not interested anymore but I can't see how I could've made him lose interest. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly so I just don't know if he is genuine and maybe has ran off because he's scared due to his past and is waiting for me to put the work in or whether he is just using me?
Ask the community | someone else
“What should I say after I ignored him?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I was already in a relationship for almost a year and was no longer in love with my boyfriend when I met my this new guy. He's much older and has most of what intrigues me in a man. I got his number and I started texting first. In the beginning I just wanted to try something new. Flirt with a man, go out on fun activities because I felt bored in my relationship and restrained. I just wanted to live at that time. He replied almost immediately and he still remembered my name even though we had spoken for only a few minutes that day in the conference. He told me a few days later that he had a girlfriend but that did not matter much to me because all I wanted to do was have a little fun. I told a week later that I had a boyfriend too. But we enjoyed each other's company very much and we talked everyday for weeks. He was that ignition I needed in my life and he helped me grow in ways I didn't think I could. I felt more responsible with him, he commanded the respect I didn't think I could be humble enough to give anyone and he unintentionally made me discover things about me I didn't think I could. I was happy. So I told me boyfriend it could no longer work between us because I did not love him anymore. He had recently found out about the other guy and I and was so depressed because he thought I was leaving him for the other guy. I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and I reassured him it was not his fault because honestly I was going to leave him anyways. I found myself wanting to have a serious relationship with this new guy, I was falling for him already and I know he knew but he never made or said anything that could make me know he was liking me differently other than a girl with good company. It seemed I had already starting hoping too much that when he told me his girlfriend came in to town to see him I felt hurt and to make it worse, he did not tell me goodnight that day. He only texted me the next morning. Ever since then I decided to stop talking to him, because I did not want the hurt to grow. He did not call me that day and he only texted the next morning ask why I did not reply his texts, I still did not reply him. About a week later he called me in the morning but I did not pick up and another week later he texted me in the afternoon and begged me to reply him. I just wanted him to prove to me that I was important to him by making more than just one phone call, or sending more than just 3 texts messages in about 3 weeks. I wanted him to give a good reason to not go back to my boyfriend who still kept begging me to come back to him. But those were the only moves he made, he did not even come to my house to look for me. I am suppose to be disappointed and stay mad or just be disappointed and tell myself I guess I know where I fall. I console myself with the thought that we had not had sex even though we were close and spent a couple of nights together. But then I find myself thinking about him, keeping tabs and checking his recent activities on facebook. I even dreamed about him some nights. Meanwhile within those weeks that I ignored him I felt so sad that I hurt my boyfriend for someone who was not worth it. I eventually went back to my boyfriend even I knew sooner or later I would no longer want him. This other guy still is in my head and my heart and I do not know if I pushed him to stay with his girlfriend (because he told me once that he did not care if his girlfriend ever saw us together) or ruin any chance I had with him. I was having a hard time these past few days getting him off my mind that I intentionally called him on Whatsapp last night even though I knew he was not online. He finally came online by midnight and greeted me like nothing had ever gone wrong. I do not know what to say. I am contemplating on telling him the truth to why I ignored him all this while and just hear what he will say. Someone help please.
Ask the community | someone else
“Partner had an affair, having his baby!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm Scottish I met my Australian partner and moved here 14 years ago. We have 3 children ages 11, 9 & 6. For the last two years my partner has been having an affair. We have split up and got back together due to it. Then last year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer AND thyroid cancer. I have had chemo and radiation therapy surgery and many hospital appointments its been hell and is still ongoing as my cancer is still present. During this time my partner was my rock he was there with me throughout it all. My treatment made me infertile and we were heartbroken at the loss of not being able to have anymore children. Things were going great I thought, personally that is. Then just before New Year I was hit with a bombshell. The woman he had an affair with was pregnant and despite him trying to convince her she refused to have an abortion she is convinced keeping the child will mean she traps him to being with her. She is due any week now. I cannot bear it. She apparently knew I was infertile and even my partner thinks she did this on purpose. I know she will use this child ever moment she can to get him and destroy us. My partner still talks to her as he said he is not going to abandon a child of his. I have told him I cannot be with him and don't even want to be around she lives only 15 mins away. I feel humiliated I don't want to go out of the house I feel sick at the thought of seeing people I know I cannot see any future that is happy or peaceful with her in it. He wants our children to know their new sibling and it breaks my heart I have told him she is part of his life not ours, I have no choice in them knowing the kid but she is not to be part of their lives he says he can't promise anything!! I feel like screaming. I honestly don't know how I can cope much more. The affair was bad enough but we were working through that but a child!?! having this women forever part of our lives!! I can't bear it. I feel completely broken I cry practically every day I am barely functioning. My partner has now got himself his own apartment. I have asked him what he wants and all he keeps saying is he doesn't know. I have told him I want to move away not far but far enough that we are not on her doorstep and not having to avoid places just because I don't want to run into her. But I can't do it without his help financially and I legally I cannot move too far without his permission. In theory he says yes but whenever I suggest areas he always has an excuse it has become so unbearable for me that I am even considering leaving the country for good but cannot bear the thought of leaving my children as I know that is exactly what she wants but I feel staying will kill me. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm dying inside.
Ask the community | cheating, big changes
“Husband always breaks and loses things!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  My husband and I have only been married for a year, but we are having some real problems already. He is great around the house and helping with our new baby but he literally breaks or loses something nearly every day. It's getting to a point where I am getting so stressed and upset when I have to replace yet another thing we can't afford (or go without) that it's making me ill. I am at my wits end and have no idea how to help him take better care of things. I have tried talking to him about it and emphasising the importance of looking after posessions. It's not even just his own things he loses/breaks. It's the children's things, phones, wallets, money, keys, clothes. The list is endless. He also broke our bed, computer, camera, loft door etc. I have no doubt that each time it has been accidental, but it is getting me so down I have even thought of leaving at times. I don't want that at all as we do love each other and have a lot in common. I know he doesn't value material things as much as I do and I wonder if this is a subconcious thing, but I need some kind of advice and solution suggestions. Please help, I can't afford to carry on like this...literally!
Ask the community | marriage, new parents
Do we both want the same things?
Ambitions, hopes and dreams How much do you know about your partner’s vision of the future? Do you talk openly about where you see yourselves in five or ten years’ time? Many couples don’t! Important decisions like where you want to live, your career plans, and whether to work full- or part-time often get overlooked as couples embark on their life together. Children Many people assume that making a long-term commitment like getting married means having children sometime in the future, but not everybody wants to start a family. If your ideal future involves starting a family, make sure your partner is aware. It is especially important for couples to share views on having children. Talking about what matters to you both When thinking about what matters, you might want to have a look at the headings below. You don’t need to have all the answers right away – what’s important is being honest about what matters to you. Creating a home together What did home mean to you growing up? How important is it to be near family and friends? Do you see yourself settling in one area or moving around? How do you picture an ideal home? Children Do you want to have children? If so, how many? If either of you have children from previous relationships what issues does this raise for both of you? What are your memories of childhood? Extended family  How involved would you want your extended family to be? What lessons would you learn from your own upbringing – what would you would want to replicate or avoid? Career What do you want to get out of the work you do? What’s your ideal job? Do you want to be self-employed or employed? How do you want to balancing work with your home life? Which matters most – making money or doing a job you care about? How ambitious are you? What motivates you? Life together and apart How important is your social life? Think about your shared friends and those from before you met. How much time will you spend together as a couple, and how much time apart? What does quality time mean to you? Do you have a mix of shared activities and separate hobbies? What do your interests and hobbies signify for you? Do you have any travel plans and dreams? How important are these to you? You shouldn’t rush this activity – you might even want to do it over several weeks rather than in one go. Try to consider your practical goals as well as big dreams and fantasies. You might even want to go through the list with your partner.
Article | communication, compatibility, future planning
3 min read
How offshore work affects relationships
Sometimes our jobs require us to work away from home for long periods of times. Some people, including oil rig workers and members of the Royal Navy, can spend weeks or months working offshore or abroad. In the weeks or days leading up to the next offshore shift, the partner who is left behind can feel increasingly worried about how these long periods of separation will affect the relationship. My army boyfriend will be deployed abroad in August. I'm afraid he might not come back, that he might come back not wanting me, or I just might not be able to wait for him at all. Click user Both partners can get lonely during these times apart. My boyfriend got lonely in the beginning and he still does. It’s easier for me as being offshore is so artificial that it doesn't seem like I'm away for long. We keep in touch with each other on a daily basis via online text messaging, and we Skype quite regularly. We met online so this method just feels natural for us.Jenny, oil rig worker from Edinburgh Reunions can be just as hard as parting. Being reunited can lead to arguments about how to spend the time together. I spend two weeks offshore and two weeks at home. When I get back we argue a lot about how clean the house is. I don’t always want to get straight into housework after working solid for two weeks without a day off. But when I do start cleaning, my girlfriend complains because she says that I should be spending my time with her. Click user Despite initial tensions, many couples manage to make the most of the time they have together. When I get back home, we love going to dinner and movies. I drive him to and from University – we do pretty much everything together to maximise the time we have. Click user
Article | military, vox-pop
2 min read
Being in your first same-sex relationship
Being in your very first relationship is an exciting time. But when you’re gay, lesbian or bisexual, your first relationship can be difficult. Same-sex couples entering their first relationship face unique difficulties that heterosexual couples don’t. Some can suffer prejudice from friends and family, and some choose to keep their relationships a secret. Others may have a strong support network but no gay, lesbian or bi peers they can turn to for specific advice. Here, men and women recall their first same-sex relationships. Were you ‘out’ when you were in your first same sex relationship? It was in 1981. I was out, but only just. I think it was probably less than six months after I told my parents Chris, Bury ‘I was 23 and not out when I had my first same sex relationship. It was all very much a secret and was fun for the first month. But in the end, it became a strain on the relationship. Having to make excuses about where I was going for the weekend, who I was with, etc.  We could only meet at his place and even when we went out as a couple it would be to places I kind of knew my family and work colleagues wouldn’t go’. Ty, Wimbledon ‘No, I wasn't out. I had always been open to the idea of having a relationship with a woman but it had never happened before. I think this made the initial steps a little tentative but quite fun’. Liz, Shotton Reactions from friends and family My sister was fine with it. I didn't really talk to people about my relationship as I thought it was obvious - I lived with my partner and we were raising a child. I would challenge people who made homophobic comments and was quoted passages from the Bible on a few occasions. But the straight friends I had did not seem too concerned about my living arrangements. V, London There was some resistance from some family members and friends, although the majority was supportive. My parents worried about how people would view me and not give me the same chances. Amy, London Seeking relationship advice The only person I spoke to about my relationship was my best straight friend. Not that he was the best person to ask. To be honest, I just took things as they came. This was in 1996 before we had the internet, so information about homosexuality and same sex relationships was incredibly limited. Serge, The Netherlands  The difference between first same-sex and opposite-sex relationships I had a girlfriend for four years before my first gay relationship. While it was very nice I always felt that there was something missing, that it was pretend and not real.  With my first same sex relationship, I felt more comfortable with myself when I was with him. Ty, Wimbledon  I had only been in straight relationships before meeting my partner. I think being with someone of the same sex means it can be easier to know what is going to be pleasurable. Liz, Shotton It was different as people saw straight relationships as normal and a given. Both same sex and straight relationships were new and awkward. Amy, London
Article | same-sex, vox-pop, identity
3 min read