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Divorce tips from the experts
Ensure your divorce or separation is as fast and fair as possible without breaking the bank by reading the following tips from amicable’s divorce experts. 1. Know the basics To get divorced, you need to arrange three things: File the legal paperwork. Submit your divorce petition (form D8), apply for a decree nisi (form D84), and, once this has been processed, apply for a decree absolute (form D36). You may also file a consent order if you want to make your financial agreements legally binding. Plan your finances. Agree what will happen to your home; where you will both live; and what money, assets and debts you have to divide. Make a parenting plan. If you have children, you will need to agree on their living arrangements, how they will see both of you, who will pay for what, and how you will raise them. You can use the free online template at Splitting Up? Put Kids First. 2. Don’t rush your partner into it While you may be keen to get things moving, rushing your partner into a divorce could slow the process down, particularly if you are at different stages of emotional readiness. Allow time for your partner to catch up with you, and be mindful not to apply pressure. In the meantime, look at other options, like professional coaching or counselling support to help with the process of letting go and moving on. 3. Know the facts, remove the emotion The law isn’t concerned with who’s right and who’s wrong. The law is only concerned with the facts for the marriage breakdown. If you understand this when you begin the process, you will have a better chance of negotiating a settlement without a damaging and expensive legal process. It’s important to note that the reasons given for your marriage breakdown will not affect any of your financial or child arrangements. Read more about the divorce law process in the UK. 4. Don’t rush off to a solicitor There are many ways to divorce and different processes suit different people. Using a solicitor is usually expensive and can also create dependency and a barrier between you and your ex. Learning how to communicate with your ex can help you get through the process amicably without spending more than you can afford. If you have children or pets together, you’ll need to communicate after the divorce so it’s better to start learning how to do this effectively now as ex-partners. There is a difference between legal information and legal advice. This page is an example of legal information, whereas legal advice is personalised to you. It’s more cost effective to start by seeking free legal information and giving yourselves a chance to work things out. 5. Be realistic on how long the divorce process takes The divorce process can often take much longer than expected – this is one of the biggest causes of escalating costs. If you have never been through a divorce before, it’s unlikely you will have much idea of the steps involved. The UK court system is slower than you might expect – average processing times run between 20 and 22 weeks. Complete this form to get an idea of how long it may take you personally to get divorced. 6. Look forward Don’t spend your time, energy or money arguing over the past. Change the conversation from ‘How do we split our stuff?’ to ‘What do we need to do to be happy in future?’. Or, if you have children, ‘What we need to do to ensure our children are happy’. This can help to see what’s most important to you and put your focus on that. The author Kate Daly is a co-founder of amicable, the faster, fairer, fixed price way to separate and divorce. Kate is a divorce expert and helps couples and separated parents navigate divorce and separation amicably. She's passionate about changing the way the world divorces, and campaigns for fairer divorce laws and access to justice. To schedule a free, no-obligation call with Kate to talk through your divorce, please click here.
Article | divorce, amicable, legal rights
5 min read
“Is it love or lust?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I’ve been married for 2 years, but with my husband for 5 years. We’ve had a tough year with our relationship and I’ve struggled with the lack of commitment given to our relationship by my husband. He has become emotionally and physically unengaged– he promises me nothing has happened to make him be different and says he loves me but he can’t seem to love me like he used to, I’m always giving chances after chance but I seem to get hurt every time with broken promises and lack of effort made to make our relationship work. So I began to look at myself, thinking maybe it is me, maybe I don’t have the love for myself so I began working on my own confidence/happiness so started with getting myself into fitness, getting my old body back and getting back into something I love. So, 6 months ago I joined a fitness group this has been a life saviour for me, and my attitude towards my life, relationship and my work. However, in this fitness group I met this guy who has become someone very dear to me as a friend, we began meeting outside of the fitness group for coffee, running, social events with the fitness group and we now speak every day. He speaks to me with such respect, interest, care about a month ago he went away for a few weeks and thought this would be the perfect opportunity to fizzle the friendship out to a certain aspect as the dynamics of our friendship had begun to change, things he had been saying insinuated he may possibly have feelings and I felt myself sharing such feelings, an attraction to him. This guy was due to go on holiday for 3 weeks, so I felt myself feeling as if I should fizzle out the relationship as I felt terrible I would let myself do this, and I owed my own relationship the respect it deserved after all I chose to marry this man. During the 3 weeks, I resisted all I could to not communicate with this guy, and I couldn’t but it was a lot less than it was previously – and soon the conversations became very bland so to speak, but inside I missed him so very much, but thought this was good it had actually fizzled out and it was more lust rather than anything else. However, now he is back from holiday and I've seen him in our fitness group, it has flooded back all my thoughts, emotions and conversations have sparked back without a second thought, it is like we gravitate to one another without even meaning too – I’m still trying to resist talking to him and backing off. But my relationship, still seems to have no improvements.
Ask the community | crush, someone else
“His aspirations make me doubt him”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I feel my boyfriend is perfect for me. He loves me for who I am. He puts up with my antics. He is trustworthy. He is a great guy. But his aspirations make me doubt him. I have been with his for 4 years. I moved to another state to be with him. He lost his job and has been struggling to hold a job for the past 4 years we have been together. And even when he gets a great job interview something manages to blow it. The last job was because he failed to meet the deadline on a job questionnaire which was part of the hiring process. I can't be with someone who sets himself for failure. I, on the other hand, have been very successful. Our sex life is non-existent. I think it was after he lost his job that we haven't had sex so that about 3 years. I want to have sex with him but he doesn't pick up my signs. I do everything for him and support him 100%. Lately, I have been thinking of someone else. I have been tempted to tell that person how I feel but I can't stand the fact that I feel I'd be cheating. This guy is successful and I think I am attracted to him because of that. I don't think I want to be with the other guy. I don't see myself with him long term but the problems with my current boyfriend are pushing me away. What if my current boyfriend never becomes successful. If he would help me around more I think I would feel better but I do everything on top of being the breadwinner. I have told him I am stressed multiple times but I have to keep telling him for him to do anything. I am so confused I can't focus on anything. If I tell the other guy how I feel would it give me closure?
Ask the community | someone else, sex, sexless
“I'm in love with him but it's complicated”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I met him about 4 years ago. We got along right away and became friends. He said he liked my friend but I kind of thought he liked me. After a while I told my best friend I liked him and she told me I should tell him so I did after I thought about it. he felt the same. It was so simple. Not complicated. It was too easy, I wasn't worried about girls liking him or him talking to other girls. It just worked. It freaked me out and I also wasn't ready for a relationship at the time. So I broke up with him. He was hurt. Really hurt. We continued to be friends and my friend started dating him with my permission. He then texted me one night and said “I still like you”. I wanted to say I felt the same but I couldn't hurt my friend so I just talked him through it. We continued to be friends. Some things happened that didn't have to do with him that caused us to be distant. We didn't talk for almost a year and he broke up with my friend and after a bit he started dating another girl. He didn't want to talk to me. I asked him why and he kept switching his reasons. I missed him. A month ago he texted me only saying "hey" I deleted his contact to help me get over him so I replied "who's this" he said a week later "this is" I replied "K?" He said "yes" we talked for a bit then I apologized for not being the greatest friend and the end of my sentence was "I want to say more but I don't think it'd do so much right now" hinting at me liking him. He said it wasn't my fault and that it was his. We were okay. We have been talking lots more. Last week we both went to a fire, he brought his girlfriend and he hugged me. He gave me these looks. And talked to his friend whiling looking at me. After he left I texted him and said "hey there", he replied "hey A!! It was nice to see you, how's the party going" we talked for a bit and then he said he had to go to bed an he would text me tomorrow. He sent me a good morning text. It was so nice to wake up to. He was flirting with me, he even sent a heart and corrected it to be a laugh face. I want to tell him but it'll hurt his girlfriend and what if he doesn't feel the same? Ugh. I think I should tell one of my friends that's good friends with him. Maybe he would know. What do you guys think?
Ask the community | someone else, flirting
Making the most of relationship counselling
Relationship counselling doesn’t have to be disaster management, and may even be more useful when it’s used to strengthen the foundations of your relationship before things get out of hand. It might seem like relationship counselling is only for couples who are in serious trouble, but couples who seek it out sooner rather than later are more likely to feel the benefits. A study into the effectiveness of relationship counselling found that those who entered into counselling early on when their issues were still manageable were more likely to have positive results [1]. This echoes what we already know getting help before things get out of hand. Around three quarters of the couples in the study experienced benefits to seeing a counsellor. In the cases where it felt less helpful, it was often because the issues were already too deeply entrenched to be resolved – particularly in cases of domestic violence, or where one partner was seeking a safe space to end the relationship. How to make the most of relationship counselling If you’re considering relationship counselling, you’re most likely to get things running smoothly again if you start as soon as possible. But, if you’ve gone into counselling when things are already difficult, you can still see an improvement, as long as you approach it with the right attitude. Bear the following in mind as you go into each section: The sessions are as much about listening and learning as about getting your own point across and being heard. You’ll need to look at things from your partner’s point of view to fully understand what’s going on. You’re more likely to solve problems by reflecting on your own behaviour, than criticising your partner’s. So, if you’re finding that conflict is difficult to resolve on your own, go and get some help while the issue is still small. Keep an eye out for warning signs and don’t be afraid to seek help with your relationship. Often, people can worry that going to a counsellor means they are in big trouble, or that it’s the beginning of the end but, if you go early enough, the opposite can be true! References [1] Hunter, C., and Commerford, J. (2015). Relationship education and counselling: Recent research findings in CFCA (33), retrieved from https://aifs.gov.au/cfca/publications/relationship-education-and-counselling
Article | counselling, therapy
2 min read
“A newfound love for my ex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been single for over 6 months now and I feel over my past relationship. I'm no longer sad or angry about what happened and I've been able to accept that it's gone and I don't particularly want to pick it up where it left off as I wasn't in a happy place mentally towards the end (brought on by battling my mental health issues, balancing work and family, and then also trying to find time for us where I wasn't talking about work, family or mental health) and it was making my boyfriend miserable too. We ended things on a reasonable note even though I was distraught but he couldn't be both my partner and a supporter while I was mentally unstable which I completely understand and respect. He said that one day when I'm mentally alright again and have done all I've wanted to achieve (higher self esteem, physical fitness, confidence) then we could potentially try again as he still loved me and didn't want to lose me which I agreed to at the time and never expected it would happen (I was in a dark place and thought he hated me for some time). Fast forward to now, I have felt myself still feeling love towards my ex which I've been trying to ignore or pass off as platonic but I know it's not. Small things like seeing his name flash up when I get a text, messages that remind me of how we used to talk and how close we were, all sorts of things are making my heart flutter and melt like it did 3 years ago when we were very much in love at the beginning of our relationship and taking on the world side by side. When people mention the future I see him and it's very much unintentional, and when I fantasize about being with a man I always end up thinking of him again and I can't seem to stop it. I don't find anyone attractive or interesting enough to want to talk to them or to start a conversation with them, except for him (who I've luckily not seen in person for most of the breakup period). I want to see if the two of us have a chance to be happy together now that both of us have had time apart to care for ourselves and mature a bit more but I have no clue how to approach this at all. I feel somewhat idiotic for posting such a thing online but I needed to see if anyone else has managed to get back with their ex partner and how they went about doing it (besides the straight up "wanna date" route) and what suggestions you guys have for me in my situation. I want to start fresh with him and not dwell on the past but I need help and advice. Any help anyone can give me is much appreciated!
Ask the community | dating, new partner
“My husband has disconnected from me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I feel selfish posting this, but I can't help but feel like I'm alone in my marriage. My husband is a good person and a decent provider, but he's not there for me emotionally. I know his work environment has gotten pretty toxic in the past year or so (his employer has been forcing older, more long-term employees out the door and hiring younger, cheaper help), and I know he worries about not making enough money if he were to leave and go somewhere less hostile (we would survive, we're not poor), and I have encouraged him to look elsewhere for a less stressful job, but he hasn't done anything about it. Because he is stressed about work all the time, he comes home every night, eats dinner and then either fiddles with his phone surfing the internet or he sits in front of the TV until he goes to bed. We never go anywhere together, unless it's the grocery store or some other mundane thing, we haven't taken a vacation in years, and he never wants to do anything. We have seen a marriage counselor before, but he only went a couple of times until he decided that I was depressed and should continue seeing the counselor alone. Yeah, I AM DEPRESSED because my husband isn't in our relationship. I guess the last straw was today, our 16th anniversary, and he came home from work and flopped down on the couch with his tablet. I purposely sat down with him and he ignored me for about an hour until he mumbled "Happy Anniversary" and went to the fridge to heat up leftovers for dinner. After he ate his leftovers, he watched TV and went to bed. It is my wedding anniversary and I'm sitting on the couch with my cat. I am so angry and sad and hurt by this behavior of my husband that I don't know what to do. When I try to talk to him about it, he either ignores me (the damn TV, the phone or the tablet) or he turns it around on me and complains about how bad his job is and how I have no idea what the working world is like these days. (Um, yeah, actually I do. I worked in corporate America for 2 decades until I left and started my own business 2 yrs ago, which wasn't exactly an easy thing to do, either.) Can someone please give me some advice? I'm so sad right now.
Ask the community | communication, mental health
How to see the best in your partner
Seeing the best in your partner can help keep you both happy, reminding you of the person you fell in love with in the first place, and putting your relationship in a positive light. It’s natural to want to compare your partner to other people but the way you do it can make a significant difference to how you feel about your relationship. One study found that comparing your partner to someone else can be a positive experience as long as you find a way to make peace with the comparison [1]. Making comparisons is one of the ways we make sense of the world. We choose our partners because we like them more than we like other people, so it’s understandable that we would keep comparing them to others. To take a practical example, if you notice that your partner isn’t as good at tidying up around the house as your best friend’s partner, you might start to find them lacking. But, if you accept that perhaps your partner doesn’t have as much free time as your friend’s partner, or that you’re happy to do the majority of the tidying, then you might be more willing to let it go. This kind of justification can help you to see your partner in a more positive light. It’s when you don’t, or can’t, justify the negative comparisons that you risk feeling more stressed and getting into arguments. One of the things that affects the way we’re able to make these kinds of justifications is the way we view our role in the relationship. If you see your relationship as a unit, and refer to yourselves as ‘we’ and ‘us’, rather than ‘I’ or ‘me’, you may be more likely to compare your partner favourably to others, and let things go. This is known as ‘self-other overlap’ and helps you see the best in your partner. When you talk to your friends about what you’ve been up to lately, try to notice whether you say ‘I’ or ‘we’. Saying ‘we’ might just be the key to seeing your partner more positively next time you find yourself comparing them to somebody else. References [1] Thai, S., Lockwood, P. (2015). Comparing You = Comparing Me: Social Comparisons of the Expanded Self in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 41 (7).
Article | communication, trust
2 min read
Dealing with disapproval as a same-sex couple
Although attitudes towards LGBTQ+ people and same-sex couples seem to be becoming more positive, many LGBTQ+ people still face a considerable amount of stigma, discrimination and prejudice.Same-sex couples often face unique additional difficulties which can include coming out, negative reactions from family and friends, fear of public displays of affection and homophobic abuse.Here, three same-sex couples tell their stories:  Kat (21) and Carly (20) Kat and Carly have been together for a year. Kat is out to her immediate family and they are accepting of her sexuality and her relationship with Carly.While being very happy in their relationship, Kat is not entirely comfortable with her sexuality. She keeps her relationship hidden from other extended family members including her aunt, to whom she introduced Carly as a friend. Kat worries about holding hands in public.Carly, on the other hand, is completely comfortable with her sexual identity and public displays of affection. Carly is helping Kat face her fears by holding hands in public, but she remains very aware of her surroundings and the reactions of others. Brendan (24) and Josh (23) Brendan and Josh have been together for three years. They have experienced verbal abuse more than once while holding hands in public. This has mostly happened on weekend nights. However, on one daytime occasion, as Brendan and Josh were walking hand-in-hand, a man in a white van slowed down and shouted homophobic abuse and expletives at them. Brendan shared their experience of this upsetting event on Twitter and received lots of positive support. Both Brendan and Josh say that homophobic abuse will not stop them from being themselves and holding hands in public. Lindsay (30) and Dana (31) Lindsay and Dana have been together for two years. Lindsay’s parents reacted very negatively to her coming out. They were verbally abusive, equating homosexuality with paedophilia, and disowning their daughter. This experience was heart-breaking and emotional for the couple, and Lindsay says it was the hardest six months of her life. Despite this, the couple feel they are stronger because they got through it by communicating, spending time together and seeking support from their close friends. Lindsay has since been able to repair the relationship with her parents to some extent, but they don’t associate with Dana much, which puts pressure on them both. Lindsay has accepted that her parents don’t like her relationship and believes her parents are missing out by not knowing Dana. These case studies come from a PhD research project by Danni Pearson of the Open University. The research is entitled ‘The Trials, Tribulations and Celebrations of Young Same-Sex Couples in Long-term Relationships’ and explores how young same-sex couples experience and sustain their relationships. The research is also connected to the Enduring Love project.
Article | same-sex, LGBTQ+
3 min read
“When do I give up?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend and I have been on and off for the last six years. Most recently we have been together for a little over a year and at one point he moved hundreds of miles away from family and friends to be with me. However, recently we got into a fight which resulted in him moving back home the next day and us breaking up. It was an amicable split and I thought it was really the end of things because we both agreed we loved each other, but it just wasn't working. After a few weeks apart he texted me saying he wants to work on things and figure out how to be together. I'm frustrated beyond belief because I'm now in a terrible situation. We are back to being in a long distance relationship, and my friends and family are all happy that he's out of my life, because I haven't told them yet. He wants to pursue counseling and work on things together. I'm having a hard time because I really do love this man and want a future with him, but I don't want to go back to the way things have been in the past. In addition, we're only 20 and I worry that this is too young to already be needing counseling in the relationship for trust and communication issues. My question is, do I invest a little more time into the relationship in the hopes that we can resolve some of these things through counseling? Or is it finally time to let go?
Ask the community | communication, long distance
“Lazy, unemployed partner”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My partner (28) and I (22) have just moved in together, whilst also moving 150 miles away from my family (He as no connection to his). We have been in the new area for 3 months, but together for 3 years. However my partner still has no job. We are currently renting and my income pays for everything (barely). However I have recently sustained an injury resulting in me being off work for 2 months, and without anything to do. We are barely covering costs, and if it weren't for my car being written off a few weeks ago, we would not be able to meet our bills for the next two months. I have asked him on several occasions when he plans to get a job, and the short response I receive is "I've done a few applications today, but I don't want to do any more". I ask him if he is going to go to the agencies that are local and his response is "at some point". At the moment I am becoming increasingly stressed and anxious that he will not be "paying his way" so to speak. He presently sits on his laptop all day watching videos on YouTube and playing games. Very rarely does he take an interest in what I am doing nor seems to be making an effort to amount to anything. I have on several occasions tried talking to him about the money situation and that I cannot afford to support us both, but then I get calls from lawyers saying otherwise (from my car accident and a personal injury claim) I don't know what to do, or even to raise the topic again as I only receive coldness and short blunt answers in return. Many advice?
Ask the community | communication, finance
Friendships are good for your relationship
It’s great to love spending time with your partner and feeling like two peas in a pod, but mixing with other couples and spending leisure time away from your partner can be a positive strengthening force for your relationship. Having happy and supportive friendships with other couples can make your relationship more exciting and more fulfilling. It can make you and your partner feel more attracted to each other, giving you a chance to experience how other couples interact and resolve conflict, and helping towards a better understanding of relationships in general [1]. But, couples shouldn’t necessarily just rely on the friends they have in common. A study looking into Facebook friends [2] revealed that it wasn’t the couples who had lots of digital friends in common who had the longest lasting relationships or the most positive interactions. It was the couples whose friends were not connected to each other whose relationships appeared strongest [3]. It’s important to have your own friends, and even to spend some quality time with them away from your partner. Couples who pursue their own activities with friends and alone, as well as spending time with their partner, are tend to be more satisfied with their relationship [4]. Socialising and having friendships outside of your relationship is an integral part of maintaining your individual mental and physical wellbeing. Now it looks like we know they are good for the health of our relationships too. So get organising some double dates and some fun with friends, because time outside of the cocoon of your coupledom seems to be very satisfying for both partners. References [1] University of Maryland Baltimore. (2012, January 13). Couples' friendships make for happier marriages, relationships. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/01/120113211028.htm [2] Backstrom, L., and Kleinberg, J. (2013). Romantic Partnerships and the Dispersion of Social Ties: A Network Analysis of Relationship Status on Facebook. Cornell University. Retrieved from https://arxiv.org/pdf/1310.6753v1.pdf [3] Lohr, S. (2013). Researchers Draw Romantic Insights From Maps of Facebook Networks. New York Times. 28 October, 2013. [4] Crawford, D.W., Houts, R. M., Huston, T. L., and George, L.J. (2002). Compatibility, Leisure, and Satisfaction in Marital Relationships. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64 (2), pages 433–449
Article | friends
2 min read
“I have feelings for someone else”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been in an amazing relationship for the past 4.5 years. I love my boyfriend so so much. This past weekend was PRIDE weekend. We went out together to a few get-togethers with friends and had a blast. There is this guy who is a mutual friend that was also there at the parties. Hes a great guy as well. We all may have been very intoxicated. Somehow me and the other guy ended up alone in the basement. Yikes. He kept hugging me and whispering stuff into my ear about how he cares about me and those sorts of things. It made me smile and feel happy in the moment. He then tells me that if anything were to ever happen between me and my boyfriend that he has dibs on me and that if i ever need help he’s there for me. This really has my mind running in circles and it’s stressing me out. Why? Because I feel that I have the same shared feelings that he expressed towards me. I care about him and I’d be there for him if he needed. I’m just very confused about the whole situation because I clearly love my boyfriend and don’t want to hurt him or myself. Also my current boyfriend is the only boyfriend I’ve had. We met in high school and have been together since. I’ve thought about possibly trying to take a break to explore myself more freely, but once again that’s scares me to death. We have too much invested in our relationship. We have a dog. We live together. And we own a car together. And we have plans to move to a different state within a few years. I want to bring this whole situation to his attention but I don’t want to hurt him. What do I do? Thank you.
Ask the community | someone else
“I love a boy but he has a girlfriend”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   About two years ago, I met this boy at a party. And we started talking right away, but it was short because I was going home shortly after that. So the next day, he added me on all social media and we started to talk a lot, we later than started to hangout one on one. I was 18 at the time and hanging out with a boy one on one was something I had never really done before (but i have had a lot experience with boys in the past so this wasnt my first). When we hung out we would make out and stuff and just hangout and one time i actually slept over his house. Summer was coming and i was graduating high school and i found myself to like him more than he liked me. I was always reaching out to him, he was never answering and i eventually got the point (I also didn't see him a whole lot because he lived in the town next to me but def enough). So I went off to college and the next summer rolls around. We ended up hanging out with friends one night and my friends wouldn't stop talking about how flirtatious he was with me, and he was like that all last summer every time we would hangout. And It wasn't like the previous year, we connected so much and would talk for hours, i have never connected to someone like i did with him. So last summer we hooked up a few times, and he invited me over to his NYC penthouse, but of course it never happened. So I went back to school in the fall, and he gets a girlfriend. So this summer comes and I just basically forgot about him because he has a girlfriend and was taking summer classes. So I saw him last weekend for the first time in 6 months and he was hugging me like crazy and kissing my neck. We talked outside for about 2 hours and he was actually telling me about his girlfriend and how great she is and of course i was encouraging it because i would never want him to get hurt. and he told me that he would never cheat on her but he wishes he was able to just kiss me right there. And i wasnt even tempted to kiss him as much as i just wanted to become best friends with him. Its to the point where if i cannot be with him. i would do anything to just be best friends with him and hangout with him. I know I'm only 20 and still young but I feel like i knew from the second i met this boy that he was someone special. And i don't know what to do now because I cant stop thinking about last weekend (and we do not text, snapchat or anything) and i just really do love him. Should I let it ago and hope that in a few years after college maybe we can be something?
Ask the community | someone else, flirting
“How to keep growing as a couple”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Many people in relationships have problems communicating, or are staying in dead-end relationships, becoming more disillusioned by the day. So how do you make things work? The answer is simple – growth. While the answer is simple, it's one of the most difficult things to carry out in practice. To grow means going through pain and discomfort. However, on the other side of this is the most fulfilling relationship you could imagine. Read these tips and apply them to your relationship. Take the utmost care of yourself first When you take care of yourself, the benefits will spill over into your relationship. In fact, you should think of your spouse or partner as your mirror. You affect each other and learn things about yourself through each other, so use this as a tool to get better, rather than to run from. Make sure that you're getting real about the things holding you back from being your greatest self. Constantly audit so that you're able to make changes accordingly. Give yourself a chance by starting with healthy life practice. Eat quality foods, workout every day and make sure that you're getting the best sleep possible. Studies also show that meditating for 20 minutes every day can have tremendous benefits for your health, mental sharpness, and overall well-being. When you're your best self, you will bring your best self to your relationship, making it a win-win. Get strategic with your seduction – then forget about strategy Most people don't put much thought into attraction. We feel as though love is supposed to be the end all, be all, and then feel guilty if we're not always on fire for our spouse. Trust and believe that attraction is something that has to be continuously cultivated. Start by waking up every day with the assumption that you are dating your partner all over again. When you don't take each other for granted, you will have fresh eyes and feelings and will treat them accordingly. Take the time to tease, flirt and build tension. Take time every day to engage in this dance, making sure that you're strategic about creating feelings in each other. However, once you're both flirty and on board with the dance, throw strategy out the window. The last thing you would want is to be robotic during the seduction process. Routinely change your scenery Finally, take time to get away for a bit sometimes. Even planning a staycation in a hotel you've never been inside before is better than getting stuck in a rut. Comfort is the best part about relationships, but at the same time, familiarity breeds contempt. Plan vacations, have date nights and do new activities together to keep things fresh. Consider these tips so that you can improve your relationship by leaps and bounds.
User article | Health
“Crushing on someone else”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have a boyfriend, we dated for 7 months so far. He’s white, tall, gorgeous, pretty, nice blue eyes. But he is so clingy and he never had great relationships in his past. He always got cheated on with his past relationships. Pretty much every single one of them. I don’t kno why that happened to him. I think cause he is such a nice guy and very sweet and he’s sensitive and very clingy. And he can take advantage of pretty easy. Like 3 months later of dating, I met this other guy from work. And he is so cute. He is very cute. I had a crush on him. And he’s white also. Which that doesn’t happened to me. I don’t get white guys to like me or have an interest in me. My boyfriend is the first white guy I ever dated and I am shocked and surprised and I don’t wanna lose him cause he’s literally perfect but I don’t wanna be in a relationship. I wanna be single. I’m young , I wanna fun. I don’t wanna settle down. I never got the chance to be by myself and be single. I always been with a boyfriend then break up, then another right after 1 or 2 months, literally. I didn’t have time to be single for a good ass time since I started to date date. My first boyfriend was black, dated 9 months. 2 months later, I had another boyfriend, Hispanic, 9 months or 10, broke up, 2 months apart, got back together 10 more months then broke up. 1 month later, I met the guy I’m with now. So yup. The second boyfriend it was tough on me, I fell in love. He was my love. The love of my life. Even to this day he is still the love of my life. I’m not sure if I’m gonna fall in love again. It’s rare. But yeah, so the guy that I have a crush on. He likes me back. That never happened. A white guy. No. And me and him, we texted, talked on the phone. Etc. he doesn’t know I have a boyfriend, I don’t wanna tell him cause I think he doesn’t wanna deal with me no more. I don’t want anything serious with him. Just to have fun and hang. But I can’t do that behind my boyfriend’s back. That’s the thing , I don’t wanna be in a committed relationship but I love my boyfriend. I’m not madlyyyy in love. But I do love him. I don’t wanna lose him cause I know for a fact I won’t find someone else like him. He’s very gorgeous btw like a model. He could be one. So it’s hard to find a guy like that. I wanna be in an open relationship with him because I don’t want to cheat on him also I don’t wanna be nervous every single time when I text a dude or talk to a dude but I’m scared, I know for a fact that he won’t like that. I just wanna mingle other guys, but I still wanna have my boyfriend. And the guy I like, I have feelings for him and I’m scared to fallll for him. I can’t. But at the same time, I wanna be with him like hang out and do fun stuff. It’s hard. I don’t know why I got myself in this mess. All I want is life is to be alone forever. I wanna be alone . But I don’t really wanna be alone alone. Also one time my boyfriend found out I was texting a dude. He fucking went thru my shit. Privacy man. Like wtf. I was pissed. And he was like what is this? Who is this? Etc. and yelling at me and he said that he’s breaking up with me. But I stood my ground and fought for us. I was stupid. We should have broken up. It would be easier but also I don’t wanna lose him. I really don’t. And ever since then , the incident, he doesn’t trust me. At all. Like he wanna see my phone, messages , constantly texting back and forth 24/7. He wanna kno where I’m at and such , what I’m doing. It’s soooo annoying. I don’t have my freedom. I’m not 17 years old or 16. I’m 20. Like come on. So I can’t do anything behind his back cause he is soooo clingy and he is always behind my back so I can’t do shit. It just sad. My whole love life is sad. I can’t never be happy. I’m never happy. Which is okay. I have been thru so much worse. So I don’t know what to do with my boyfriend or the guy that I have a crush on. Basically the whole situation.
Ask the community | communication, arguments
Looking forward
New Year tends to be a time of deep reflection. We reach the end of something, we close it up, and we look forward to starting something new. Of course this is all just a mind game. We’re not actually starting something new, it’s another month like the last – just without Christmas lights and with less turkey. But nonetheless, many of us still get all reflective and thoughtful. This reflective state we delve into often means looking back on the decisions that we’ve made, the events that have occurred, and the changes we endured in the last year. As parents, if you had a tough year last year, or it wasn’t what you expected it to be, then you might find yourselves wondering if this year will just be a repeat of 2015 - especially if the circumstances you faced are expected to remain the same. For example if you have a child who has a disability, or a special need, any challenges brought on by these factors will likely be consistent. The good news is that, even though your circumstances might be the same, your ability to cope, grow, and bond with your family don’t necessarily have to remain the same. Neither does the quality of your relationship with your partner which, when improved, can make everyday living feel lighter and challenges feel more manageable. Research shows that couples who build their bond of togetherness feel able to deal with challenges more effectively [1]. This applies to all couples, including those who have disabled children. Additionally, couples who talk about their upcoming challenges are better able to deal with them when they happen.   “The quality of couple relationships has a clearer link to the health, life satisfaction and wellbeing of partners and their children [2]” If 2015 felt quite bleak at times, remember that your current situation is not a forecast of your future. As you get to know your child and understand them better (along with their condition), you’ll find it easier to know what they need and how to make the best of your time together. To encourage yourself, think back to a few of the initial challenges you faced that you’ve already overcome - challenges that perhaps appeared insurmountable at the beginning and then, over time, became something that could be worked through. Hold these before-and-after moments in your mind and remember that things can improve, solutions can be found, and challenges can be overcome. For more information, consider visiting: Contact.org family life section Contact.org guide on relationships and caring for a disabled child Contact.org page on local support groups Contact.org helpline page, or call 0808 808 3555 References  [1] Coleman and Glenn 2009; Proulx et al., 2007; Robles et al. 2013; The Relationships Alliance 2014; Vaillant (2012) [2] Barrett et al., 2011; Cummings and Davies, 2010; Reynolds et al., 2014; Relationships Alliance (2014)
Article | Health, future planning
2 min read
What is the formula for a healthy relationship?
Is your relationship a positive one, or a negative one? For most of us, the answer is… it depends on the day. Like anything in life (family, career, home), relationships work best when the positive feelings and actions outweigh the negative ones. On a good day, when your partner is treating you well, listening to you, loving you and making your life easier, the scales tip to the side of ‘positive’. On a bad day, when your partner criticises you repeatedly, doesn’t support you and takes you for granted, the scales tip the other way.According to research, the key to a healthy relationship lies in the balance of this scale – the positives vs. negatives that both parties bring. Now you might assume that a relationship with NO negatives should be the goal. Surely any relationship would work better with NO disagreements? Well, no. Fortunately for most couples, the negatives are important for a relationship too. Negatives can include personality clashes, impoliteness, selfishness, criticisms and so on. So negative interactions can actually benefit the relationship… but why? “[The role of negativity] in a healthy marriage may be to spur a cycle of closeness and distance that can renew love and affection. ‘Off’ times allow couples to become reacquainted periodically and heighten their love.”[1] In other words, negative interaction allows for the courtship to be renewed in some small way. As with a dance, sometimes you draw in close, and sometimes you create distance. But how MUCH of this negative do we need in our relationship? What IS the recommended balance? In relationship studies, we seldom see any kind of formula, but in this case relationship researcher John Gottman [2] has provided us with one. 5 Positive : 1 Negative This means that for every one negative interaction, in order to set the balance and keep your relationship nourished you need to experience five positive interactions. These “positive” ones don’t have to be impressive or romantic gestures. They could just be bringing your partner a cup of tea, or taking the kids off them for a bit to give them some free time. Or even just being polite, paying compliments, laughing, touching, smiling and showing support. When you’re facing difficult and challenging times as parents trying to run a family, you’re probably not in a position to make big sweeping gestures like cooking your partner a three-course meal, whisking them off for a weekend away or even taking them out for the evening. So it’s just as well that the positives in the 5:1 ratio don’t need to be extravagant or overtly romantic. “Stable and happy couples share more positive feelings and actions than negative ones. Unhappy couples tend to have more negative feelings and actions than positive ones.”[3] It’s worth noting that while a negative to every five positives is encouraged, the word ‘negative’ is quite broad and certain types of negative (or too many negatives on a consistent basis) can be particularly destructive to the relationship. These more damaging negatives include great stubbornness, contempt, defensiveness, withdrawal from interaction and acts of aggression or physical violence. These really exist outside of the ratio – it’s important to remember that some actions and behaviours are never beneficial to a relationship.Lastly, there may be some couples out there who experience a ratio with lower negatives of say, 10:1 or even 20:1 where negative interactions are rare. Some even claim they don’t experience negatives at all. In a social gathering where other couples are discussing what they all argue about, this couple will often turn to each other with raised eyebrows and a hokey grin before saying: “To be honest… we just don’t really argue, do we honey?” And the other one shakes their head and goes “Nope.”, both of them apparently quite confused about what everyone else could possibly be doing wrong in their relationships. But you needn’t worry about achieving this level of harmony with your spouse. According to research, while a ratio of even 100:1 could be effective in the short-term, in order to sustain a relationship (or marriage) with real staying power, 5:1 is the ticket. References   [1] “Why marriages succeed or fail” – John Gottman p.65 [2] https://www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/cfs/cfs-744-w.pdf [3] “Why marriages succeed or fail” – John Gottman p.56
Article | communication, big changes
4 min read
“Drastic behaviour change”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Me and my boyfriend have known each other for quite a number of years and we developed a really deep bond with each other and nothing made me happier than being with him and I could easily see it was the same for him. Coming to the present time, he says he still loves me but I feel not even last in his life, I feel non-existent. I have mentioned to him countless times that he doesn't make time for me anymore and I just keep getting excuses about him wanting to spend time with his family, or with God which is understandable but everytime I bring it up it never ends well. Eventually I got sick of complaining so I decided not to tell him and I just backed off from his life occasionally messaging him every other day and keeping myself occupied. Two weeks later he tells me he's really been wanting to talk to me and he missed me but apart from that, nothing seems different. He doesn't seem joyful or excited like he used too. And he still doesn't seem interested in making time for me unless I mention not messaging and he says 'if you want too'. I don't understand why he's so distant, he's not really loving and caring like he used to be, he's not very talkative anymore and I'm just completely puzzled as to what made this change in him which seems to be a permanent change. Is there something I can do to help him get back to his old self? I've tried speaking to him but he can't see the difference or understands what I mean and I don't want it to end in a dispute again. I just can't understand why these days he always puts me for last and the times I tell him I'm last he says that's not true. I don't know what happened but also he believes strongly in God. Whatever he thinks God tells him, he'll change to please him but if I tell him something it's like I may as well not even bother because it goes it one ear and comes out the other. I feel really hurt because I know that's not how a relationship should be and I know how we used to be compared to now.
Ask the community | communication, arguments, religion
If you’re starting to argue a lot
What am I up against? When a new relationship kicks off, it can feel like everything’s wonderful. You don’t want to spend a minute without them, everything they do is adorable, and the way they slurp their tea is an endearing quirk. But, gradually, you awake from your love-induced coma and find yourself saying things like “you weren’t listening just then, were you?” This isn’t to say it’s all going downhill, but when you first start arguing, it may strike you that now you have to work at it. How to I deal with it? 1. Connect with each other People connect in different ways. The key is in understanding how your partner likes to connect, as well as how you like to connect. For example, some people feel connected with their partner through words of affirmation (“I love you”, or “I appreciate you” being the classics), meaning they like to be told how much they you are valued. Others feel special and valued by being shown physical affection, or by sharing quality time with their partner, or receiving thoughtful gifts. Everyone connects differently, so if you can learn how your partner connects, and they focus on how you connect, you’re both onto a winner. 2. Demonstrate commitment The golden ticket here is the word ‘demonstrate’. You may well be very committed and loyal to your new partner, but if you don’t show that commitment, the other person might not be able to feel it. And if they can’t feel it, they may not know your commitment is even there. It might be just as simple as saying the words, or involving them in other aspects of your life. Just let them know you’re keen to share your life with them.   3. Communicate regularly The art of conversation is not so much about the eloquent and intelligent back and forth between people, but about being able to listen. One of the biggest blockages to modern conversation and communication is a mobile device with a wi-fi signal. If you cast aside technology, physically face one another and listen as much as you talk, this will boost your communication no end. Do activities together that allow you to talk, such as playing a game, baking a cake or going for a walk. Communication in front of a TV, a computer screen or a tablet can dry up faster than a puddle in the Sahara. 4. Show care You might be surprised at how easy it is to show care. It’s often the small things that you can do for each other day-to-day that tend to make a big difference. OnePlusOne, the relationship research charity behind Click, ran a campaign called Love Nuggets, where people submitted their favourite gestures of care from their partner. In pole position was “A hug and an ‘I love you’”, followed by “making a cup of tea for them in the morning”, and thirdly, “the other person cancels what they were doing so we could spend some time together”. So, nothing mind-blowing, just some loving, consistent day-to-day gestures that go a long way. 5. Get good at resolving conflicts Every couple faces conflicts. What matters is how you deal with them. If handled correctly, they can even strengthen a relationship. Whatever the conflict, it might be helpful to take a moment before you react to it. It’s quite easy to fire from the hip during stressful situations and say things you might regret. Five minutes can be enough to get your mind and feelings straight. Part of healthy conflict is avoiding the temptation to try and win. Try to work together and tackle the conflict as a pair. Remember that arguments are not necessarily the sign of a poor relationship - any long term relationship needs maintenance.
Article | communication, dating, YPc
If your partner is regularly distracted
What am I up against? If you’re a good listener, you already know that listening is all about giving someone your full attention. In a world with internet on tap, there are a million ways that attention can be stolen. And when technology overrides the attention we need, our relationships lose out. There’s even a name for this – it’s called “technoference”. One study found that “technoference”, where computers, phones, tablets, or TVs interrupt couples’ everyday interactions, occurred in around 70% of relationships. In another study, 38% of partners said they had even sent texts or emails during conversations with their partners. How can I deal with it? Leave it out of the bedroom “iPads and computers have breached the boundary between the home and the bedroom”, according to Professor Wellings of the National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles. Technology, while useful for keeping in touch, can be an intrusion, particularly when people check their messages and updates at bedtime. Because habits die hard, it might be an idea to agree on some rules, like turning off mobiles after 9 pm, or no mobiles and tablets in the bedroom. This might help you both to disconnect from the world, and make space to connect with each other. You may also find that your sleep improves. Look a little closer at why it annoys you If you’ve come through the hidden issues program, you’ll already be quite aware that some issues lie deeper beneath the surface. For example, if you were regularly ignored by your parents as a child, it can make you sensitive to being ignored in your romantic relationships. Even if it’s unintentional, your partner’s distraction may be affecting you far more than they realise. . If you can let your partner know how much it affects you, they may be more inclined to make a conscious effort to turn away from their distractions, and turn towards you. Be honest and keep the language more along the lines of “this is how I feel”, rather than “this is how you make me feel”. It’s a slight shift in language, but it’s helpful to eliminate accusation wherever possible. If you’re the distracted one If you’re aware of your own distractions and want to bring it under more control, it might help to put some boundaries in place. For example, make the active decision not to respond to emails, check messages, or even watch television during meal times. This simple shift in attention – even for just an allocated block of time – will gradually become habit, and could start to improve your day-to-day interactions. There’s also the option of removing the notifications, or even taking the big leap of deleting apps that are unnecessary distractions. Watch television, or don’t Often, putting the television on ends up becoming just another habit that blocks the conversation and engagement you might otherwise have. Try leaving the television off until there’s something specific that you want to watch together. Whether it’s the news, a film, or a series, what matters is that it’s an active joint decision. 
Article | social media, communication, YPc
How to show love in practical ways
When couples have sailed the love boat through the honeymoon phase and out the other side, it’s quite easy to forget about the small loving gestures that used to be automatic. But research has shown us that these loving and affectionate gestures can help couples resolve conflicts and improve relationship quality – which is what this site is all about. What you’re about to see is a list of some of the best ways to communicate love and affection - these came from a study where 4,000+ people shared the gestures that mattered to them the most. Then we’ll explain WHY they work. It’s not a check-list for you, but we do recommend that you look through and have a crack at some of them. Perhaps even print it off, mark down the ones you like, and see how you get on. Action 1 Send a text for no other reason than to say you’re thinking of your partner, or share something specific with them (like an article, a thread, or a GIF). Why?  Because the study showed that ‘touching base’ can be just as important and meaningful a way to show appreciation as long heart-to-heart conversations.   Action 2 Say “thank you” for something you ordinarily wouldn’t. Maybe even something commonplace, like making you dinner. Why?  The study showed us that saying “thank you” was the most valued gesture. That sense of being appreciated and valued is something that many of us need – even if we’re not expressing it. It’s instant, it’s gratifying, and it requires no translation – yet it can be overlooked.   Action 3 Write a love note and leave it somewhere for them to find (it doesn’t need to be a masterpiece). Why? Written forms of appreciation were popular in the study, and nobody cared about whether the words were neatly printed on a fancy personalised card or just jotted on a crumpled scrap of paper. The sentiment matters so much more than the presentation.    Action 4 Run a bath for your partner when they get in from work (maybe have the bath together). Why?  The gestures that gain the most appreciation are usually the silent ones – not the ones that shout “Hey, I did this really romantic thing for you, mwah!” Running a bath is a good one that shows you’ve anticipated their arrival, and you want them to feel comforted as they walk through the door.   Action 5 Put the toothpaste on the toothbrush for them Why? In the study, it was revealed that partners doing “everyday routine tasks” like this were considered the most kind and considerate. Preparing their toothbrush is also subtle and shows that you’re thinking of your partner – even while brushing your teeth.   Action 6 Next time you’re choosing a film, suggest something you know they want to watch. Why? This is another one of those quiet sacrifices that makes a partner feel like they’re being put first. Choosing a film you know they will like (in spite of your own preference) reflects an element of intimate knowledge – meaning the gesture will almost certainly be well-received.   Action 7 Bring them a cup of tea in bed  Why? This is one of the all-time favourites. It silently conveys that you want their day to begin well. It helps them push through the haze of those first few waking minutes with something warm, comforting, and - most importantly – caffeinated. A cup of tea (or a cuppa if you prefer, how very British!) featured as the fourth highest form of appreciation and expression of love by women with children in this study. Interestingly, a cup of tea all by itself even won out over breakfast in bed, so hold the bacon.   Action 8 Do the chore you know your partner hates most (e.g. vacuuming or cleaning the bathroom). Why? Doing a chore that your partner hates shows a certain sacrifice on your part, but it also contributes towards the smooth running of a household – and this was noted as a big deal for all participants.   Action 9 Take over a task that they’re doing, just to give them a break. Why? During the study, women in particular said they really valued getting some time to themselves. Taking a task off your partner’s hands not only gives them a break, but also shows your appreciation by acknowledging that they deserve that break.   Action 10 Tell them you love them and that you’re attracted to them. Why? Actually saying those three little words might seem a little monotonous but, for many people, it’s important to keep being told. Participants noted that the meaning and sincerity of the sentiment mattered a great deal, as well as demonstrations that reinforce that sentiment.   Action 11 Massage their shoulders when they get stressed Why? Massages and foot rubs are selfless and intimate. It’s also worth remembering that when we touch someone, we are automatically being touched back (Gabb, 2011), so both parties are engaging in the moment. Giving a massage without being asked is a tacit acknowledgment on your part that you’re appreciative of their hard work and effort.   Action 12 Sit with your partner, look them in the eye, and ask them how their day was – then do nothing but listen.  Why? Feeling listened to can make people feel cared for and supported – especially men. In the study, fathers noted it as being their second favourite way of being shown appreciation. Even if they’re not saying anything particularly relevant to you, don’t glaze over. Just respond and ask questions.   Action 13 Greet your partner with a kiss when you see them. Why?  The key phrase here is ‘regular, intimate contact’. Although a daily routine like kissing your partner might seem mundane or even old-fashioned, the importance of regular intimate physical gestures was explicitly noted in the study. Also, it’s just nice when you’re partner is happy to see you. Humans can learn from our canine friends on this one – dogs are always excited to see you return, even if you only left for five minutes to hang up the washing. You may not have a tail to wag, but a meaningful kiss hello can go a long way.   Now, let’s practice…  Hopefully, you’ve now got an idea of some small, intimate gestures to try. We recommend that you stick with them (even if it’s just one or two) and put them into action as soon as you can. It’s very easy for these things to be forgotten when life takes over, so it’s helpful to set clear, specific goals for yourself about what you can do and when you can do it. It may be best to start with one or two things that you want to try this very evening, like: “When I go home tonight, I’m going to avoid distractions and really listen to them”. Or you could set yourself a simple ongoing commitment, like: “When I get home from work/college/wherever every day, I’m going to greet my partner with a kiss before I do anything else”. Or even, “If I’m the first person to wake up in the morning, I’ll make them a tea or a coffee”. You might begin to see improvements in your relationship just by repeating some of these actions. By sticking to your plan, your intentions become practices, then practices become habits, and soon you’ll find it all comes a lot more naturally.  Of course, you don’t need to stick to the gestures and actions that we’ve listed here. Every couple is different, and by taking the time to notice what each other really appreciate, your gestures will become personalised and specific. Stay consistent and shake it up every now and again by introducing new actions.
Article | communication, love, YPc
Learn to argue better
Everyone argues, but not everyone argues well. Constructive arguing is something of an art form, and sometimes a good argument that’s handled well can actually help to improve a couple relationship. Whereas if you argue badly, you’re likely to go around in circles and frustrate yourselves into a frenzy until conflict becomes the norm. Bad arguing isn’t healthy for a couple, and too many badly handled arguments can really shake the core of any good relationship, however solid and mature it is. Whatever you’re up against as a couple, getting good at arguing together will help you solve your problems quicker and boost the quality of the relationship. The aim here is to help you do that. After many years of conducting research and looking at relationships under the microscope, here’s the best tips we know of to help you argue well. These tips are not to help you win the argument, but rather, they’re to help you and your partner win each other. 1. Always be cool (ABC) If you only stick to one rule, let it be this one. If you’re not calm, it’s because your emotions have gotten the better of you (in other words, you’re emotionally compromised), which means you’re in no real position to conduct a good argument. Fire fuels fire, so it’s really important to keep each other cool. Poor arguing: “I don’t know who you think you are speaking to me like that... where do you get off…” A better way: “Maybe we should both come back to this when we’re a little calmer. Let’s take ten.” Pro tip: Count to 10 before you react. If you get to 10 and you’re still not calm, remove yourself from the situation and come back when you’ve calmed down. Remember, when things get heated, aggressive or hurtful, you cannot make progress – the whole thing needs a reboot. 2. Don’t retaliate and throw stuff The worst kind of argument is one where both parties are just pelting each other with criticisms and blame. Instead try telling your partner how you feel. Here's what that might look like. Poor arguing: “Why do you make fun of me in public?” “Well you insist on telling that naff joke, it makes everyone feel awkward”. “You always find a way to make me feel like bad about myself.” A better way: “I feel really embarrassed when you make fun of me in public” “I didn’t even realise I was doing that, that wasn’t my intention.” Pro tip: Be conscious that your words can cause irrevocable damage, so choose them carefully. You might be able to apologise later, but you can’t take back what you said. Practice having a retort ready in the chamber and apply the discipline of NOT firing it. As you practice this, you may experience a sense of calm control. 3. Listen – until the penny drops Failing to listen is one of the largest causes of poor arguing. It often happens because when one person is talking, the other person is cocking and loading their next argument. Listening is really about taking the time to understand where they’re coming from. If you don’t take the time to listen, your partner won’t feel heard and will very quickly become annoyed. They probably won’t listen to you in return either.  Poor arguing: “I feel like you just don’t really want to be with me anymo–“ “Do we honestly have to go through this again?” A better way: “I feel like you just don’t really want to be with me anymore. I know you say that you do, but you just don’t seem that interested in me”. “Just to help me understand here; what signals am I giving you to make you feel that I’m not interested in you anymore?” Pro tip: A huge and often underrated part of listening is body language. Even just sitting opposite your partner on the couch and facing them, you’re already communicating that they matter and that you’re ready to listen. Look them in the eye, and acknowledge when they’re making sense. You don’t have to agree, and if you don’t, try to resist the temptation of mentally preparing a comeback. Pro tip: Try to focus more on understanding rather than just hearing them out. That sometimes means asking them more questions about it. 4. Speak for yourself One of the reasons that arguments go sour is because the whole thing becomes a battle of accusations and criticisms. By telling someone how they’ve failed, what they’re doing wrong, or how they’ve messed up – you’re going to make them flare up, even if you’re speaking truth. It’s helpful to take the accusations out of the equation and instead talk about yourself and how their behaviour has affected you. That way, you’re not attacking them or making a judgement on their character. Poor arguing: “You want to be with someone else, just say it”. “So what you’re saying is, you don’t trust me”. “Well you’re such a flirt, and you flirt with other people, so what else do I have to go on?” A better way: “I’m feeling quite insecure at the moment, and I’m afraid that you want to be with someone else“. “Is it something I’m doing to make you feel that way?” “There are a couple of things. I might be just being sensitive, but it looks like you’re behaving in a flirty way with other people.” Pro tip: When you talk, start with “I” rather than “You”.  So instead of “You never help out with chores”, say “I’d really like some more help around the house, I feel like I’m on my own with it”. It’s the same point, but one feels like an attack, and the other feels like a request and the expression of feelings. Pro tip: Try not to assume what your partner is thinking (or worse, TELL them what they’re thinking). By starting everything with “I”, you’re less likely to do that. Speaking for yourself is a habit that is worth developing for any argument with any person. 5. Apologise for your side of things If your partner has attacked you in some way and, say, you snap back at them, it’s still helpful if you apologise for the snap. Even if they don’t apologise for the attack in the first place. This can be tough, but it sets in place an attitude of respect and the taking of one’s own responsibility. By giving some ground, you might be able to change the tone and direction of the entire argument. Poor arguing: “You’re so selfish. You didn’t even let me know where you were.” “Are you my keeper? You don’t need to know where I am 24/7.” A better way: “You’re so selfish. You didn’t even let me know where you were.” “Okay, I’m sorry that I worried you. Maybe we should agree on how often I should check in with you in future. I might not be able to text you as often as you’d like though – I’d like to talk about that.” Pro tip: The earlier you can land your apology, the better. So even if you’ve said something mean a few seconds ago, nip it in the bud and hold your hand up. Hold strong if the apology doesn’t get returned for their side of things. It might not happen, but by humbling yourself, you’ll create an environment where they can. 6. View it through their eyes We’ve all heard the expression “putting yourself in their shoes”. But doing this during an argument is really hard because it requires you to step outside of yourself and all your own feelings for a moment. If you manage to pull it off, you can often see why their behaviour makes sense to them, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Mastering this can make for some really effective and constructive arguing. Pro tip: In order to really flip your viewpoint, you need to get good at really listening. Listening can help you see what it looks like through their eyes. Use your imagination and think how it would FEEL for your partner. It’s something that needs to be practiced. What we’re talking about here is basically empathy, and empathy is really really helpful in an argument. 7. Show love – even if it’s a minuscule gesture If you’re angry, hurt, or feeling defensive, you might not feel like being kind, affectionate or loving. Naturally you’re on the back foot, and you’ve got fire in your belly. But a simple loving gesture like making a cup of tea can help, because it reminds you both of your shared bond. That can be enough to pour calm on a heated row and help you both want to comfort each other and find resolution. The act of showing love often slips because, in the scheme of things, work obligations, social dynamics and keeping up with life take precedent. But such gestures are actually imperative to relationships, as the following page will demonstrate. Pro tip: The trick here is timing. If you go in for a hug as your partner is mid-tantrum or trying to explain their feelings, your hug might not be well received. But if your love based action is, say, fetching some tissues, putting your phone down, or stopping a game in order to talk properly, it shows that you care and that you want to listen. That can take the edge off a bad argument.
Article | communication, arguments, YPc
“Culture clash in first relationship”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, I am 19 years old and am in a four month relationship with a guy who I met online on a dating site. I had never been in a relationship before and felt like I was missing something, and even though I'm only 19, I am mature and don't "get along"with many guys my age, we are on just different levels mentally.. My boyfriend is 24 years old, but age here is not the problem. He is here on a tourist visa and didn't even know he wanted to stay here until he met me..he always tells me I am the main reason he is staying here. Even though it’s sweet and all, this does make me feel guilty, since if something were to happen to the relationship, like the guilt would be all on me. Another thing is the culture difference…he acts very different in public, since he is foreign (Israeli) to be exact, and sometimes I just feel like it wouldn’t work out because we are so different. I also feel like I went with my initial feelings and fell too deep into this relationship since he is technically temporarily here and my feelings can also be compromised. I am torn apart sometimes and people tell me he may just be using me for documents…I am not naive and know this can always be a possibility, but we have talked about it and so far he hasn’t done or said anything to make me feel like he is using me. I am not planning on getting married to him any time soon. To me it looks like he really loves me, but I also know this can all be a show and I can be blinded by it. He treats me good, always takes me places, gives me gifts, we talk every day and see each other often. The only thing is he always likes girls pictures on instagram and follows these inappropriate pages…I don’t know what to even tell him regarding this. I think its annoying but this is just another problem. So I know I listed a bunch of problems with this guy, but what drew me to him is the fact that we can have interesting conversations and he seems sensitive, he is different from the guys I am used to being around and I like it. But honestly I feel so torn in this relationship, like I'm wasting both of our time and nothing will come of it and he will hate me for wasting his time in the end. At the same time I am afraid of losing him, because he really is a sweet guy who gives me attention I’ve never had before (perhaps this is another reason I'm attracted to him)???? I know it sounds selfish (the attention part), but I do have other feelings for him. I am just a mess of emotions right now, any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
Ask the community | long distance
“My boyfriend's religion vs me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, I have been going through a lot of arguments lately with my boyfriend and I think I have finally come to the root of the problem. I will describe the situation a little bit so you get a better understanding of it. We met quite a few years back and everything was truly perfect, at that time I thought wholeheartedly that this guy was perfect in every single way. He was very loving, caring, thoughtful etc. What stood out to me most was back then, if we did happen to have a disagreement, he'd talk to me instantly, console me, comfort me and put in effort of trying to make me feel better and everything was fine. OR there were times that if something got a little heated, he'd leave but not too long after he'd come back and just try making things right because he didn't want them to linger on. And that was something I truly admired in him. Fast forward to today, those things don't exist anymore. Last year He accepted God in his life and so far he has been trying to do everything to please God. So I don't know if it's because he misunderstands what the Bible says or what but these days when we have an argument, he leaves, lets it linger on for weeks and weeks, is unwilling to communicate about the issue etc. For a very long time I couldn't understand why the change, why he wasn't his old self when it came to fixing things but now ignores them. At first he told me it's because it's so frequent we argue that he doesn't want to be burnt out by it but yesterday I think I came to the actual reason. He was quoting parts of the Bible, ' Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.' He believes when we argue it's pointless but if it's an argument to do with God it's worth having. When I explained to him that I feel like I can't come to him because if I'm upset and I need to get it out and tell him he was already saying that was a quarrel and he didn't want anything more to do with it. It's very hurtful not knowing that he's there emotionally anymore and stirs up more anger in me as well but all he sees is that I'm angry and I need to discard it. How do I make him understand that he's supposed to be caring when times are tough. He needs to push through his emotions too and talk about things because running from them makes it worse. I have told him all this before but it's like he just keeps forgetting which results in me being constantly hurt and mad. I need him to understand that my emotions aren't considered 'a useless quarrel'. I love him and he says the same but since he has come to know God I can't understand why in some ways he has gotten worse.
Ask the community | communication, arguments, religion
“Feeling unwanted”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello everyone, my boyfriend and I have known each other for a very long time and all this while it's been a long distance relationship. Regardless of that, we still made it work. We used to be giving each other everything we could and through that we've developed such a deep bond and a great love for one another. However, I feel like the effort and expression of love on his part is lacking. And I don't think I'm right for telling him this especially because if he does start showing it I'd feel like it's not really coming from him but because of something I asked and he's just doing it to calm me down. Ironically, he just isn't the type of person that I've ever known to do something for me if I ask. For example, if I say can I see you tomorrow at 9am? The chances of that happening are close to zero and I'm so prepared to hear an excuse like 'sorry I was up all night playing games and I fell asleep late' or 'i just wanted to sleep in' or 'i'm just not motivated to wake up that early' but when it comes to his family, God or himself he makes a way when there is none. He even told me today he was up since 2am and he's been with his family and at 5am he messaged me and when he did, I didn't even have his full atttention. I don't know if I'm being needy or what but it really breaks my heart to know that I don't matter enough to the point where he's willing to make the time out for me when it's not convenient to him. I've been sacrificing so much and I don't think he rememebers how much I do but sometimes I feel like telling him I just want you to treat me the way you used too is going to make him think that I'm asking way too much of him. Usually he always makes me feel like I need to be more understanding but I just don't know what to do. I can't tell him and I can't keep it inside, but I just don't know what to do. Something else I would just like to emphasise on is the fact that I'm having trouble when it comes to God. I make sure to put God first in my life but I still make time for him and make sure that he doesn't feel left out or anything regardless of my tiredness but when he puts God first it's like I can't go to him for anything. I usually hear that if I have a problem, take it to God and not him. For God he'd sleep early the night before just to make sure he's early in church the next day and find the time to pray and read the Bible etc. But for me I just don't see it. I feel like I'm in competiton with God and everything else in his life and it just has me in an emotional mess. Do I need to do something or do I just need to get over it or what?
Ask the community | communication, arguments, long distance
“My boyfriend keeps me hidden”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend and I have been going out for three years (we are both 20). 80% of the time my friends and I hang out, he is always invited, either by me or my friends. We've gone out to countless dinners, concerts, parties, games and shopping trips and all with my friends. He's even been invited to my friend's house for dinner. However, till this day, his friends have never asked me to hang out with them and my boyfriend has only invited me to one party on his own. My friends are a mixed group of individuals, guys and girls. His excuse is his friends are all guys, but he knows for a fact I get along fine with guys and that is not an issue. He also says it's because they don't do things I can be invited to. But I think inviting me to dinner or bowling or the beach (which is all things has has blatantly said I can't come to) just once in a while won't hurt. I have also never met his family and they don't know we are dating and he says it's because they won't approve of him dating however he has been over to my house for dinner, thanksgiving and he has even come to New York with us. I wouldn't necessarily say he's "hiding" me from his friends because they know we are dating. It just feels like I put in a lot more effort to try to include him in my life and he tries to keep me away by using excuses. I've noticed all my girlfriends have great relationships with their boyfriend's friends, and they enjoy having her around too (obviously not all the time) and they're the ones who ask if she'd want to come along whenever things are planned. My friends do the same with my boyfriend.I want to get to know them better and I also don't want to be labeled as just "the girlfriend" but rather someone who they wouldn't mind making plans with. I just feel like I'm never given the chance. Am I asking for too much? Is it wrong to ask to be able to hang out with his guy friends once in a while?
Ask the community | family, commitment
“He takes everything personally”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been having this issue since we first started becoming serious. I will say a little comment in conversation, not meaning it to be offensive, and he takes it that way and gets enraged. For instance, I was slightly insulted he didn't invite me to meet his daughter on the trip he is planning for her birthday. He didn't invite me or include me in the planning at all. We've been dating for over a year and I've never met her because she is a few states away. We live together and have even talked about marriage at some point. His daughter is a huge part of his life and I was hoping to become close to her eventually. I mentioned to him that I was insulted he didn't invite me on his trip to see her and he told me I would just be in the way and that this visit is a short one and not really my business. We argued. She is coming for Christmas and we can be introduced then. He is very defensive when it comes to her I've guessed. He was saying how much he missed her today and I casually said that I would've liked to become close with her, but that cant happen right now. He took it as a continuation of our previous argument and assumed I was dealing an underhanded comment. I didn't understand why he got so angry. I was stating a fact. I understand he doesn't want me to be involved, it's insulting and hurtful to me but I understand. Should I have said nothing? I feel like I have to watch myself because he takes everything as an attack. What should I do?
Ask the community | arguments, emotional abuse
“My wife will not speak to me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is a real problem. I am at my wits end and I do not know what to do. I have been married for nearly three years and was with my wife nineteen years prior to that. We have had a fairly volatile relationship over the years and about six years ago the arguments had tipped over into unbelievable week-to-six-week silences with two episodes of physical abuse spread over a few years. My wife finally, out of desperation, was taken to the doctors by a friend and started taking mood stabilising pills. The results were astounding! The daily / weekly arguments stopped, when we did argue again it was fairly reasonable and things went back to normal fairly quickly so much so that after a few years we got married. A few months ago my wife decided to stop taking the pills without advice, and things started slipping. Last Sunday when my wife went to get sausages from the freezer and there weren't any she hit the roof! I was called a self centered man that only thought about myself, that she was sick of my inability to remember shopping we need and stormed off into her room and jammed the door shut. I was away the following day till this evening for work. I texted her three times and she did not reply, even when I said her friend was meeting me and she could talk to her. I got back home around an hour ago and she walked out of the bathroom, into her room and blocked her door shut without a word said to me. This is what she used to do in her really bad patch, before the pills, sometimes it would go on for, at the longest, six weeks. She has already told me she will not go back on the pills, so that's not a option. I promised myself years ago, before our relationship nearly ended, that I would never take the emotional and physical trauma again. Looking back I was self medicating with alcohol and food and was way up at nearly 17 stone and I was fast approaching type 2 diabetes. I managed to turn that around, started going to the gym and lost, and kept off, nearly four stone. I do not want to go back to that again, my body and mental health could not take it. I love my wife, but if she will not talk to me how can I sort this out? There has been over the last few months a slow slide toward unreasonable arguments and this is the worst it's got. I don't want my marriage to end and I'm desperately trying to think of how to sort this. Because I cannot take what I took years ago again. She will not talk to me, and when i suggested going to couple counselling she flat out refuses. Is my only option now separating and divorce?
User article | arguments, mental health, physical abuse
“She hates my hobby”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been a part of a happy long-term relationship over the past 4-5 years, and we've been engaged for some of that. The relationship started when I moved to a new town, so I left a lot of my life behind, including a certain hobby. We're currently pretty settled, we have a few pets and live together in the same house. The 'hobby' has a reputation for being an expensive one, but I'd always been stingy with it and didn't spend anywhere near as much as others often do. Fast forward to about a year ago, as I started to feel more and more comfortable and settled I brought up the idea that I might pick the hobby back up again. The response I got was at best mixed, and the ensuing argument ended up with my partner saying how they just "hate" the hobby, citing the associated expense and the fact that I'd changed a lot since I last did it. Honestly I don't consider myself to have changed at all since I regained an interest (passion?) in the hobby. If there is a more fundamental or reason than that then it's never been mentioned. I feel like I don't understand the problem they see. These feelings seem to have been exacerbated by the fact that I'm now out-of-work, and while I wouldn't spend anything financially on the hobby given that fact, I receive responses like 'I'm not happy to be paying the rent if you're going to waste your time on [hobby]' if it is brought up again. As a result of them making me feel bad about it, I've essentially been committing time to the hobby in secret, while they're at work etc. I feel incredibly guilty for more-or-less lying to them like this, but I feel that I should have a right to pursue something that makes me happy and being secretive about it seems to make us both happy. Subsequent times when the hobby has just randomly come up in conversation, my fiancée has been extremely derogatory, but I didn't say anything other than nodding my head essentially, as I didn't want to re-open the issue even though this was making me feel pretty awful. For context, this hobby is a competitive card-game, which I already have my old stuff for didn't even require money to start in the first place. Essentially I have no idea what to do. If I'm frank and honest with them then I'm afraid it will all end, and I feel that we're so good together and settled. I feel like I don't want to have to cut out a thing that I really enjoy because of my partner's seemingly irrational hatred, since it would also cut off a significant portion of my friendships from where I first lived. I feel so guilty for how I'm acting because of this, and just want to have an honest relationship again, but I'm afraid that will never happen again with them. It feels like just cutting myself off from the hobby would fix everything, but it's a social hobby and I find it somewhat difficult to start friendships in other ways. Does anyone have any advice?
Ask the community | finance
“Splitting costs unfairly”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I know every or most marriages have money issues.We always split the bills down the middle which I feel is fair but 2 years ago after he paid for funeral expenses for his dad we stopped splitting so he could pay off his credit cards. Eventualy, he continued to use credit cards for whatever, food, vacations etc.. always his choice though. Anyway, he has 2 paid off now and I think we should start splitting again. I dont feel its been fair! He says they are our bills and that he pays more than i do but he doesnt i do and have been! Credit cards are his personal bill . Mortgage water electric cable should be split down the middle.. I dont think credit cards should be included in splitting but he thinks it should be counted as paying since he may have used it for house or on me. I did the calculations Since January (not incuding credit cards) and I dont include my cards. I pay the rent, cable, and cell phones (his cell phone too)! He pays electric, water, sewage, car insurance for three vehicles but pays for the vehicle i drive (two are his work trucks and I do drive his 2002 suv as he crashed my lexus into a tree 4 years ago). It's def going to cause an argument but it needs to be discussed. How do I make my point across to him that credit cards are a personal expense - his bill not our bill? He does by more food than I do but i do still buy some and i pay more. I haven't event included food in the totals. He keeps throwing that he paid $1200 in bills which he is including his credit cards Payments which he pays more than the scheduled or required amount due. Thanks in advance!!
Ask the community | finance, arguments
“Frequent arguments pushing us apart”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, I've been asking questions about my relationship with my boyfriend. Recently we have been having very rough days together and this has been going on for about 2-3 weeks now. Every time we meet up we usually have an argument/ disagreement and if it cools down, it's only a matter of minutes before another one starts. We used to be completely happy together and arguments and disagreements were never really a thing for a long time but recently they have been coming up so frequently that it's just pushing us apart. We still love each other so we keep trying to come back and work things out but if we come to an agreement, something else happens so we're back to square one. We have both come to know God, he has only recently converted, about a year now, and I with quite a number of years in the faith. I help him and guide him as best as I can but something seems a little weird. Firstly, we know that whether we believe in God or not, love is very important. We must care and have compassion for others. Before he was with God, he had this quality where if I was feeling down he'd stay with me and talk to me and just be loving and caring until I felt a little better and everyday for a couple days he'd check up on me and see if I had improved or what and of course when someone makes you feel loved and like you matter to them it's like a healing in itself. But fast forward to today and he just says that if I'm down I need to go to God and tell Him everything, don't rely on him, 'he's just the support'. And frankly, I'm not sure he understands what support means anymore. I understand we take our troubles to God but didn't God also put people in our lives to be a physical support for us? Didn't God teach us to love one another and love each other as ourselves? Another thing I also had on my mind was when he said he loves me. When I was feeling down he said he loved me and although I just wanted to say 'how? you don't show it anymore. I feel like you love me just by word of mouth', I just said it's nice to hear that. He asked but what about God's love for me? I told him that it was different coming from a person and then questioned 'how?'. He was saying that there isn't a difference between hearing that you're loved and then knowing it but feeling it after, it's just a different approach. I don't understand what that meant but now it makes me wonder, does he even know about being in a relationship and loving a person? He said to me that only if God directs me to him then I can focus on him. And I understand he wants me to put God first but is he right or am I supposed to be able to talk to him as well? From my understanding God would want me to speak to him about my troubles so we could work on them together and we could overcome them but I just don't understand how to get through to him. He also said that he's not going to assume otherwise unless God tells him so which makes me feel really lonely and hurt that I'm just left like that with God alone and no support from him. I don't know if it's me or maybe my relationship with God or something else but I love him and when these things happen I feel physical pains in my heart, I sometimes hyperventilate and feel light headed, I feel pain in my head and there's a tightness and heaviness in my chest. He doesn't know about all the effects I get when he's like this with me apart from the pain in my head, tightness in my chest and on the rare occassion heart pains. I feel like fully explaining everything will cause another explosion with him. He'll just tell me go to God and don't tell him about it but he doesn't understand that the reason I get those effects is because of the lack of his care and love. I tend to take these issues on we have quite heavily and with the stress and hurt built up it's just overwheming and I get these effects. I'm sort of in a grey area when it comes to understanding what I should be getting from him and what I'm demanding too much off. Am I asking too much? Am I just too attached? He's been my first everything so anything negative really affects me when it comes to him because I love him with my all. I just feel like I'm in a pit with no way out, with no direction or anything. Also, can someone explain to me how is it possible that before he knew God he was very compassionate and caring and now that he tries to fully rely on God, he's gone so cold on me and I'm left feeling unwanted and neglected by him? For God he would do anything, he'd even cut out activites because it's taking away his time from God, but when I ask him to, I just need to have understanding. I'm feeling very low and alone right now so any positivity would be greatly appreciated. Can you please tell me what I should do or say to get through to him? I don't want to be harsh and I don't want to break up with him because in my heart I feel like he just needs an eye opener but I just don't have the words to do so. I just want him to know that he's hurting me and I need him to be the way he was.
Ask the community | communication, arguments
“I like someone I can’t have”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I’ve been friends with this guy since our freshman year of high school. I think about him all the time and recently we’ve began seeing each other more because of our mutual friend group. I have the time of my life with him but I come home and toss myself into my bed of sadness because I’m left with such jumbled feelings. He looks at me in a sweet way, does everything to include me in the group activities (which his girlfriend is never involved in), finds ways to touch me or tease me like in chick flicks, and he calls me pretty. In no way shape or form am I capable of doing anything to hurt him and his girlfriends relationship. I’m not that type of person. It’s just so confusing to me because I don’t understand what this feeling is. When I look at him I see something so beautifully formed and it’s just so strange. I’m not used to feeling this way at all and it’s sad. We already have plans together next weekend with our friends and I’m just such a jumbled mess. I don’t plan to tell him how I feel because our relationship was a little strained for some time and I do not want things to be weird again. And plus it wouldn’t matter anyway. I’m not writing this for advice or tips on how to break him and his girlfriend up. I just want to help myself get it out in a way that’s good for everyone.
User article | unrequited
“He has no time for me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Just a question about my relationship with my boyfriend I have that's left me lost. I recently posted a question I had about him due to feeling distanced and feeling avoided by him but we worked that out and I told him I needed some time to cool off because what had happened was really driving me insane and was stressing and frustrating me too much. He agreed that I could leave to calm myself down but then when I came back he'd try making some time for me and making changes that we had spoken about. So now after two days of just keeping to myself trying to clear my mind, I see him online and I message him (and please bear in mind that this was 3am his time). Our conversation didn't last long, but I did have the belief that he'd be happy to see me but it turns out it didn't really matter too much. He was just playing games all night long. Now here's the thing: when we're on good terms and we spend time together and he has to do something he makes sure to leave exactly on the dot and he plans time in advance to be able to do those things, he organises well. But now that we haven't been together much lately he seems fine to just lose time and stay up all night just playing games as if that's the only thing he has to do. And please also keep in mind that after a couple days of no communication with him, I message around 3am his time and the conversation is so dry and only lasted a couple minutes and at the end he didn't even respond to say anything, he just ignored me and kept playing for another 2 hours until he decided to go offline and go to bed. He always has time for everything else except me and when I tell him that he tries to convince me and says no that's not true. I don't even know how to explain what I feel. Another thing that I should probably mention is that I helped him find God. He has been attending church regularly and he's truly engrossed by everything to do with God. He even tries reaching out to people as much as he can and spreading the word of God and I'm truly grateful that He does that. But sometimes when I think about that I wonder.. 'How does he attend church, read the Bible, pray, speak to memebers of the church, try his best to live for God and not understand that he's hurting people around him. How doesn't he understand that it's hurtful and kind of rude to just ignore someone? Is his games so much more important than me?' I know he'd say no but I feel sometimes that he loves me just by word of mouth because his actions speak differently to me at times. He can make time for his family, for errands, for friends, for anything. Just not for me. And if he does, I get a few minutes of conversation that he isn't even really into and just end up being ignored. For the time being, I'm just gonna leave him alone and let him come to his senses, I think I'm done with always having to remind him and being stuck in a loop of the same things. But is there any way I can approach him or do something to make him wake up? I'm so sick of having to always be on the receiving end of this and I just don't know what else to do to get through to him.
Ask the community | long distance, religion
“What does a healthy relationship look like?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   The million-dollar question: what does a healthy relationship look like? There are many perceptions to what is a healthy relationship, and of course, what works for one couple might not work for another. A healthy relationship requires work from both partners to help each other improve and grow within their partnership as well as growing as individuals. Here are ten signs that you are in a healthy relationship: Maintaining the love. For some, falling in love is hard and takes time while for others, falling in love happens within the few first dates. Whether it takes you longer or not, falling in love is easy. Maintaining that love and creating a long-term relationship is the hard part. Changing your expectations of what love is, is a vital aspect to being successful in your long-term relationship. In the beginning, love is all roses and becoming one, otherwise known as the honeymoon period. But, there will be inevitable changes in your relationship that will require you and your partner to climb many hills and mountains. If you can overcome the challenges that you have to face, it is a good sign that you are in a healthy relationship. Accepting the little mistakes. You get to a point with your partner where the little things slip your mind. Hanging out the washing, filling up the car or forgetting to pick up the chicken for tonight’s dinner. Healthy couples will accept that we all screw up sometimes and that it’s no big deal. On the flip side, if you think “they don’t care about me that’s why they forgot” or something similar, then it’s a sign that you still have some things to work on. Working as a team, not as competitors. Having a competitive attitude is a strong personality trait, but, keeping it outside of the relationship and acting more like teammates will make your relationship more sustainable. Having a bit of competition with each other in a fun way is perfectly normal, but sticking together on decisions and your future is a sign that you are able to get through the tougher times that you will experience. Throwing out the stubbornness and accepting responsibility. Like most people, I always wanted to be right during any small discussions or even the big arguments. I would fight my corner for as long as it took. But, as my relationship developed and as I grew as a person, I realised that being right or trying to shift blame is not always the most important outcome. Pointing the finger or blaming your partner is an unhealthy relationship method. Instead, talking about the problem whether it is financial, house related or something within the family, looking at both partners contribution to the issue is the more mature and honest thing to do. Sometimes, putting your hands up and accepting your part is a quicker solution than going around in circles with each other looking who’s to blame. Feeling secure. Jealousy is a natural feeling when you love someone so much. But, jealousy stems from being insecure within your relationship. Having that feeling of loyalty and trust takes time and again, hard work. But, when you no longer feel paranoid or insecure, you have reached the epitome of love. Both partners should make one another feel so loved that there is no reason for one of you to have suspicion or unfaithful thoughts. Again, it takes time, but working on it together will create a healthy relationship. Going out of your way for each other. Whether you have been dating for 3 weeks or 10 years, nice gestures and romantic surpises should never go a miss. Putting your partner as your priority and not feeling bitter about it is a huge sign that you are in it for the long run. No one ever gets tired of being spoilt by their partner, even by the small things such as cleaning the house, cooking dinner or taking the dogs out for a walk. It doesn’t always have to be expensive jewellery or a big bouquet of flowers every time. By having a natural feeling that the world is no longer just about you, but more so about the happiness of this other person who you are sharing life with, then you can count yourself as someone in a healthy relationship. Talking openly - even about the sore subjects. From money to desires, being able to talk honestly and openly is the key to a healthy relationship. If you can’t tell your partner your true feelings and aspirations, then who can you tell? Healthy couples are the ones who trust one another with deep thoughts, even if they can be upsetting. Allowing change and recognising that it is a good thing.Life changes every single day. Embracing these changes and allowing your partner to live life as both an individual and as one in your relationship is essential. Healthy couples recognise that the person they met years ago is not going to be that same person for the rest of their life. Allowing each other to grow as individuals and supporting each other’s life choices is an important part to your relationship. Encouraging each other to start new hobbies or search for a new career path shows that you have a strong interest in the wellbeing of your partner. Communicating any changes that come your way and allow change to take its course is a sign of true partnership. Recovering from the fighting. Does the perfect couple fight? Yes. Does a healthy couple argue or disagree? All the time. Painting the perfect and healthy relationship as one that doesn’t fight is far from reality. All couples fight and discuss, its natural and in fact, necessary. Knowing what pushes each other’s buttons or how to calm one another down is an important part to learning more about each other. Constant fighting is of course, not a good sign and perhaps a good time to think and communicate whether the relationship is working. But, arguing in a healthy relationship will be the type where you don’t have to be disrespectful or hurtful to one another. For example, resorting to name-calling will lead to no sort of true communication. Couples who love and understand each other won’t have to use this technique to get their point across. However, if the odd word slips up without you meaning it, then the other must understand the difference between fury and honesty. Your fears are reduced. The feeling of support and security can reduce your fears massively. Also, having someone you trust can push you to face these fears. From being able to go on the tallest rollercoaster knowing you can hold their hand or going back to university to pick up another degree. Having that persons love and support makes us individually better people. Facing fears together creates new experiences and opportunities. A healthy couple will know when to support you and when to give you that tiny push.
User article | communication
“I can't get through to him”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, I have an interesting story but I would really appreciate any advice and light on this. I met my boyfriend online quite a number of years ago and we had our ups and downs just like every other normal couple. However, at the beginning even though things weren't perfect he really used to give me his time, his love, his attention etc. Even if he had to go out he'd most likely try avoiding it just to spend time with me and even though I felt a little bad that he was so focused on me, I felt really loved and touched and thought 'this guy truly loves me, he'd do anything for me'. We'd spend hours just lost in time talking the night away and over those years we've come a very very long way and have truly created a deep and wonderful bond. However, as the years rolled on I noticed slight changes in him. I have mentioned the issues I've had with him NUMEROUS amounts of times and he either gets upset that he leaves or somehow tries to make me understand that I'm wrong for thinking the way I do. For example, if we disagreed on something before, he'd talk to me about it and try making things right and we'd apologise and such but now I'm afraid to mention anything because of his reaction. He'd most likely just leave, burst out on me or just try telling me I'm wrong for thinking and feeling the way I do. But recently I noticed other changes in him so I questioned him. I told him that I felt like he was avoiding me and interestingly enough we sorted it out no problem. He agreed that we'd meet up a little later after he took a rest since he was tired so I decided to just do a few things while he was sleeping. But I ended up finding out that not too long after he woke up he just decided to go play games. He was never the kind of person to avoid me or forget to message me, he never liked being away but it seems like he's happier without my company. I've been in similar situations before and it's like it never ends, I'll bring up an issue and we'll talk about it but sooner or later it's back to how things were. It's taking a toll on me emotionally and mentally and even physically but I just can't seem to let go of him even if I wanted too. I love him totally, especially since we have been through so much together but when he does these things it affects my eating, sleeping and even focusing on daily tasks. I can understand that maybe he'd want some time to himself which is fine but he is well aware that I was waiting for him and he just decided to not show up. I don't know how to get through to him but the funny thing is that although things are like this, he still speaks about wanting to get married and planning a future with me etc. When we're together and we do get some time together and he gives me his attention, I really feel on top of the world and just so great but when he does something like this.. sometimes I just automatically find my heart racing and some other effects. I don't know...am I being crazy? over-reacting? insecure? I'm assuming you may suggest to try focusing on other things more important in life and such but I simply can't. This will be on my mind and will be a huge distraction which will prevent me from focusing on something else. I also know that it isn't healthy but I just feel completely lost and so saddened, all I want is for him to go back to the way that he used to be. Any advice on how to approach this would be so greatly appreciated and thank you for taking time out to assist me on this xx
Ask the community | communication, arguments
“Animosity between friends”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My friend had told me to join a live, so I did as told thinking that "it'll be fun". Only for me then to realize that she, and the other fifty people were tormenting this poor guy...just because he said "nigga." As a future female black youth leader, I was so disgusted by this, because we, in fact, go to a POC high school where the word is loosely used among all POC's so It was really unfair when he was automatically a "racist"...just because of the slip of the tongue. What made me even angrier was when they had all started using his physical insecurities against him and telling him he was worthless. I, personally struggle with depression, so I know what trigger depression. Obviously I was extremely heated after the live, so I made a post about what ALL they did and how both parties were wrong. But then she came at me aggressive and stated that "you have no right to speak on this". So I brushed it off and told her personally what she had taken part in was wrong... ( she'd gotten several death threats online before and she should know what it's like to be in his shoes). Then she got angrier and made a post about how she tired of playing games with people and etc. Previously she'd also posted that all her friends were inconsiderate and didn't listen to her...she also included examples of me putting my headphones in or just shutting down completely...but I suffer from BPD just like her and I need to take a moment to unwind sometimes and breathe..but I didn't take it to the heart. Instead I asked her why she felt that way and what I could do to be better friend, but she only left me on seen...so I unsent my messages and said forget it until this happened. This morning, because I was so overwhelmed by everything I ended up having to step out of class to breathe, and she made another post stating that "go on and cry about your insecurities somewhere else...etc" I'm reading everything that I've typed back and trying to pin point where I was in the wrong...should I have approached the situation a little better. I feel like there is some built up animosity or jealousy that I may have contributed to...maybe I hurt her? ( we both obviously have bad social media habits)
Ask the community | arguments
“Throwing blame and anger”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I am in a serious relationship and we have had our ups and downs like anyone. I have moved away from my awesome job, family and friends and moved 18 hrs away from everyone and everything I've known. During this time my bf has had his own issues with not seeing his daughter, buying a house, me moving in and everything. I've helped him the best I can with those issues. Lately I have had issues of my own with anxiety and some depression. When he was stressed he would occasionally lash out at me for saying or doing stupid things. Like starting hypothetical conversations, or not closing drawers all the way. He gets so angry and when I try to explain myself or my reasons for saying or doing something he gets more irate. When I get upset or irritable it is unacceptable and starts a huge fight. He blames his outbursts on me saying that "if you wouldn't have starting talking about it I wouldn't have gotten mad" or "you could see me getting pissed you should have shut up" "you're talking in circles and repeating yourself and it pissed me off". Our last argument we were watching a show about abuse and I made a comment saying "I wouldn't beat you up if you cheated, I would just leave because you don't do that to someone you love" then he goes on about how "yeah, because you know better than to try anything because you would lose" I responded with "I'm sure I could hurt you if I wanted to, but I wouldn't". He took this as a threat and it started a huge fight. I was so confused why he was so angry because he didn't even hear the part that I wouldn't ever do anything, he only heard that I was threatening him. I tried to explain that's not what I meant and he accused me of taking back what I say, and this is why men call women crazy and "answer me and tell me what you would do to hurt me because there is no way" he tells and screams at me to shut up then is enraged that I get pissed... I feel like my issues aren't important, that I'm not allowed to get mad and that I have to watch what I say to not make him upset. I talked to him about seeking anger management and he won't do it. He feels like I'm making our issues his fault and I'm not taking responsibility for making him mad.... I am ready to move out. Is this normal or am I in a controlling and manipulating relationship?
Ask the community | arguments, emotional abuse
“We don't go anywhere”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been in a realtionship with my current bf for 2 years now...well, sort of - I'm saying that because in the beginning we had a long distance relationship. He eventually moved to my city (an honorable gesture, may i say so) and in 2 months we will celebrate 1 years since we have lived in the same city. However, i must address something that it bothers me so so much. We never go out. And it's not even about spending money or something like that. I would be very happy to just go to the park together and sit on a bench. The thing is he denies to do almost everything. At first i thought he was tired, or he is busy at work or something... but this is a constant. Almost every time i have to initiate things. And 90% of times, he says he doesn't want to do anything. He just wants to sit in the house all day. I understand that he doesn't like to go to clubs and whatever (although i would love to go in such a place together) but even when i compromise it seems it's not enough. All he wants to do is sit in the house and that's all. I am so frustrated because i want to make memories with him, but it seems like he doesn't want to do the same with me... i really suffered when we were in a long distance relationship because we couldn't spend too much time together and we didn't do many things that couple get to do. I thought that if he moves here we would do stuff together...we would discover the beauty of this city together, we would explore caffees and streets and stuff like that. I told him about my feelings. I told him that i want us to do more things together...but it seems like every time i just hit a wall. We have been together for 2 years now...and all i can remember from this relationship is how we are sitting in the house all day...doing absolutely nothing. Sometimes i feel like he is only neglecting ME. In his past relationships he told me he used to visit/do all these stuff that i want now to do with him... (going to the clubs, visiting other cities, exploring parts of our town). I don't understand why he doesn't want to do things with me, but he did things with his ex and with his friends... What should i do? I am starting to lose hope...
Ask the community | communication, arguments, long distance
“Why was my wife upset?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Last night, coming home from a day out (around 11.00pm) my wife and I had to take a bus that didn't take us all the way home. So we jumped off the bus, phoned a private hire and waited for it to arrive. To be honest it was only a 10-15 minute walk to the house, so we were being a bit lazy. Anyway my wife gets fed up and starts to walk up the road. As I didn't want to walk I waited for the taxi with the intention of picking her up as there is only one way home. I got in the taxi and as I was about to call my wife she called me shouting down the phone that I'd let her walk up the road on her own, I asked where she was and doubled back, eventually I saw her and get the driver to stop. She went ballistic! shouting and screaming at me for being a bastard as I let her walk on her own, then she started shouting at the taxi driver calling him all the names under the sun as well. I asked her to get in the taxi and she told me, and the driver, to "fuck off!". which I did. I apologised to the driver, I then went to out local and had a pint to allow her to get home and go to bed. Now I'm as mindful of women walking about on their own as he next person, but I think she completely over reacted and I especially was not at all happy at her shouting at the taxi driver. Shes now not talking to me, and I expect this to go on for days. The thing is am I in the wrong here? Was she right, should I have walked up the road instead of waiting to get the taxi to pick her up? If I'm out of line here I'll apologise but I don't think it was appropriate for her to scream and shout at me, and a total stranger... am I wrong?
Ask the community | communication, arguments
“Saving my marriage”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My husband of 18 years has threatened separation/divorce because he feels we argue too much. While I don't agree with “too much” I feel what we argue about is stupid. We have 3 beautiful boys and we love each other deeply, have a connection and we are best friends. However, as of late our arguments have gotten too much. It's the same thing over and over again. He has turned off google maps on his phone and when I asked him about it he says it feels like he's on a leash if I know where he is at all times. Thing is... where could he be if he's at work all day? Sometimes he leaves for lunch just to get out for fresh air, go to the store or whatnot. No big deal. I am only left to wonder if he wants to do something he shouldn't so I won't find out. The only reason I want the maps on is for peace of mind if he suddenly cannot contact me/broke down and etc... I only use it for those reasons and nothing else. He has said he is not comfortable with me knowing where he is when I already know where he is--work, store and whatnot. So what's the big deal? I have peace of mind knowing he can see my maps when I am out and about with the kids or alone at night as I sometimes have to do shopping when he gets home from work. If he has nothing to hide he should not see an issue with this but he does. I have asked him what's the real reason you don't want me to see your maps and he says he doesn't know. As I stated we both love each other very much and can see each other spending the rest of our lives together and growing old. We are happy except for when we argue but cannot get past this and it would be a ridiculous reason to divorce!
Ask the community | communication, arguments
“Dating with a guy with a kid”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi guys, I really need your help here please as I am going desparated now. I met this guy four months ago when I was traveling to LA for my vacation. Quickly we clicked and bond together. We really enjoyed our every single moment there so we decided to keep contact and talk everyday when I came back to FL.We’re really open and transparent about our private life. I’ve never married or had a kid so everything is pretty simple from my side. He is actually still married, he and his wife submitted the divorce file and waiting for court hearing. They have 8 year old son and he’s mainly custody of the kid as his wife is flight attendant and unable to take care of the kid full time. So weeks ago he decided to bring his son with him to visit me. When his wife found out, she went crazy, they had fight, yelled to each other and she did everything to ruin his trip, acted like a bitch (as he said). Previously she was the one to control everything in their married life and he and his son have to do whatever she wants. Now since he’s with me, she may think that things are out of her control and therefore extremely upset about that. She tried everything to catch thie attention, including putting herself in trouble (like sleeping pill overdose) and my boyfriend had to be there take care of her. Eventually my boyfriend still visited me 2 days ago and they are staying with me for 2 weeks. His son is pretty a good boy but his head is packed with all the bad things from his mother about me so he’s cold to me and dislike me. And my boyfriend is too soft to his every single request, with no rule for kids and I have feeling that he’s spoiling the kid a little too much. Whatever his son asks, he follows and I haven’t seen him say no to his son during 3 days here. He came here to visit me but we hardly hold hand, hug because his son sticks around him all the time and barely talk to me though I’ve been trying to be nice. He slept with his son as well and only came to my bed at 2 or 3am and then back to his son at 6am before he woke up. I feel like I am the person who is left out in my own house, everytime his son openly talk to me, his mom called and later on, he dislike me again. I don’t really have experience with kid or dating a guy with kid so I am pretty lost here. I even feel a bit insecured because of my boyfriend’s enabling characteristic and the fact that his wife is having trouble with her boyfriend. I don’t know if it’s just my feeling or it’s common to all others who date a guy with kid. How could I do to get rid of this kind of feeling or what should I do to make this situation better, to make his son like me a bit more? Or will I have to run around and deal with his crazy wife if I still want to be with him in the future? I really appreciate your advices please
Ask the community | long distance, ex-partner, step-parents
“Issues around drinking”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've had a relationship with a woman for nine years and we've had our ups and downs. She has had a bad past with alcoholics (exes) so she was very critical on no drinking. After no drinking for over six months, proving it's not a problem for me, she began telling me “if you really want to have some after work please just do it at your house”. I agreed and would have some every now and then. Never getting drunk and no fighting the entire time. We recently got engaged a few months ago and moved into a new house together a few weeks ago. As we were moving in she began buying me beer saying the man of the house should be able to have some socially and after a hard day work. Strangely enough even her ex, with his new woman was allowed to come help us with the move and he was getting drunk on beer at our new home while I sipped some vodka. Everyone having a great time and no problems. A few days ago after a long 12hr day, I came home and had a couple of shots to unwind. Afterward she “finds” the bottle by the back door where I smoke a cig, she gets into my bank account statements and sees i have indeed had drinks at my past home... And gets so furious that I am basically kicked out of the new home without any sit down adult conversation about what the issue is. As it turns out, she says I was supposed to announce to her when i was going to have some, which means to her I was dishonest and lied by keeping it “secret”. Of course, I don't remember being told that and so I'm naturally confused so much about being told I can drink at my own home, and her buying me beer, and even having an ex and family over to the new house drinking, and then being so furious about having a drink when i came home after a long day. Despite an apology for any misunderstanding, and pointing out that if she didnt know, after telling me I could... Then consider the fact that there was no getting drunk and that we never had a problem caused by it for the entire time. She simply says i decieved her and knows about her past. Yet lets her ex come over drinking, and bought me beer??? Not only does this seem like a complete hypocrisy, and feel decieved myself, and even asked for an adult conversation to sort out the misunderstanding, with an apology for such... Its been nothing but a heavy text war. I have no clue on how to proceed with fixing this issue while I feel emasculated left without a home. Even if this is somehow worked out, and come back, it would really feel like my home if I can be kicked out of my own place without the decency to even have an adult discussion. I can't even see where I have done anything wrong, while she demands that I admit my wrong doing. Is there any possible way to proceed to fix this?
Ask the community | arguments, communication, addiction
Long distance loneliness
Being apart from the person you love is hard. While absence may make the heart grow fonder, it can also fuel loneliness – and loneliness is a big deal. Some even believe that loneliness can do as much damage to our bodies as smoking [1]. But, more positively for those in long distance relationships, one study suggests that couples who are coping with living apart often have more intimate and meaningful interactions than couples who live together [1]. So how can you make the most of your long distance relationship and take the edge off the loneliness? The most important thing in keeping a long distance relationship going is communication. Here are a few ways you can keep the communication oiled. Have a communication schedule. This might seem a bit mechanical but having a specific time for your chats means you can look forward to spending time your partner without putting your own life on hold. If you know when it’s happening each day, you can develop a routine that works with the rest of your life. Knowing each other’s day-to-day schedules can help you feel closer. Do things together, even though you’re apart. Try reading the same book, or watching the same movie at the same time. Play online games together or even do the same crossword in the paper – find an activity you like and share it from a distance. Plan your future. Have a goal in mind for where the relationship is headed, and when you might be able to move closer together. Keep talking about this so you’re on the same page. Talking about your future can help keep you both positive. Talk to people when you’re down. If you’re really missing your partner, let your friends and family distract you and buoy you up through the hard days. Talk to your partner about your worries. This builds trust and helps avoid the misunderstandings that can happen when there’s no face-to-face interaction. Keep the sexual side of the relationship alive. Sexy texts or even phone sex can help you beat sexual frustration.  It will be lonely at times – that’s almost unavoidable – but a physical distance doesn’t have to stop you being an intimate, committed couple. And, if couples living apart have more intimate and meaningful interactions than couples who live together, there’s plenty to be positive about. References   [1] Crystal Jiang, L. Hancock, J.T. (2013) Absence Makes the Communication Grow Fonder: Geographic Separation, Interpersonal Media, and Intimacy in Dating Relationships. Journal of Communication. 63 (3) 556–577  
Article | long distance
3 min read
“Do trust issues ever go away?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been in a relationship with my now girlfriend for about 3 years. We have been living together for about 2 years. We recently have had some trust issues (going both ways), and though we have everything worked out, things feel a little "weird", and I'm wondering - will that feeling ever go away? Without getting into too much detail, she hacked into my email account (which is where I am having a difficult time with the trust), but admittedly she found some things that shouldn't have been there (which is where she is having a tough time). Specifically, a month or so ago, I had posted an ad in Backpage - it wasn't a serious ad, nor did it have any serious intentions, or real intentions at all. I sound like a terrible person writing this, but for years in the past, I had posted fake ads on Backpage looking for the responses to get some sick jolly out of it. I realize how wrong it was now, but - I'm wondering, will this weird feeling ever go away? And more specifically - I feel like while I will get over this issue, and though she says she is over it, I'm wondering if ever truly will be, or will ever truly trust me? People have much worse issues (actual physical cheating, gambling, ETC.) that strong relationships can prevail over - right? Or not so much?  Thank so much for any insight or help. 
Ask the community | trust
“Man-child husband”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My husband is in his late 20s and is terrible with money. He has never been GREAT but now it’s awful. We have never shared a bank account until a few months ago before we bought a house. After that, I caught him taking money from my savings acct when he made well enough to pay his bills AND have spending money. Lately, he hasn’t been paying any bills besides $150, but still has no money. He has a part time job after getting laid off, and has no drive to get a full time job. I work full time and I’m sick of paying all the bills by myself. I watch him do fun stuff with his friends while I work, come home, wait to go back to work. He doesn’t contribute to chores. He spends every second he can with his friends. I’m also concerned he has a drinking problem since for awhile he was at the bar or knocking back a 6pack every night. He’s “tried to quit” drinking several times and it only lasts a month. He’s also gained 75 pounds (majority from drinking). Two months ago, his car was repossessed after he said he’d “been making payments”. Now we owe his parents money and I found out a few days ago he has a $2k credit card bill I had no idea about. We just got our tax returns back and he thinks he’s entitled to my half and his half. AND he overdrew his bank account, causing them to take the money from my account. So, for the 2nd week in a row I have no money to pay bills or buy groceries! I have bailed him out with money several times. When his license was suspended and we had court costs....fixing things on his car that he “didn’t have money for”.....money for a down payment for the car..... I don’t believe I’m responsible for the debt he has accrued. I feel as if the tables were turned he wouldn’t be offering any help to me. I feel maybe if he had to dig himself out of debt he will finally learn a lesson. I love the man he used to be, and I really want to make our marriage work but I’m so frustrated. I feel as if I’m ready to settle and have children and he still wants to act like a child. To make matters worse, his mother is always trying to give me advice on “how to be a better wife”. I’ve tried nagging him, gently and encouragingly talking to him, and praying and nothing has helped. I feel like a failure and it’s put me into a depression. I’ve considered temporary seperation, but it breaks my heart to even think about that. Please give me any advice. I feel like it’s a losing battle 🙁
Ask the community | stress, communication, jealousy
Arguing over text message or email
With modern technology, there’s always the potential for misunderstanding, and never more so than in the hands of a bickering couple. So why do so many of us allow our arguments to be played out over texts, emails and social media? Technology makes arguing easier, though rarely any more effective. If you come home to a pile of dishes your partner promised would be cleaned, the first reaction might be to vent your frustration instantly with an angry text. If a final demand notice arrives while your other half is at work, you might not want to wait to let them know what a downer it’s put on your day. One of the biggest problems with arguments over text or email is that it’s very hard to get the tone right. Tone is often difficult to convey and easy to misinterpret. Communicating with the written word can also lend itself to passive aggressive conversations, where one partner insists everything is fine in a spoken conversation and then allows the real issue to come out through texts or emails. This can be frustrating for the other partner if they want to talk things through. Some tips Think about the times you and your partner have made up after a row. What ended the argument – a knowing smile; a hug; a cup of tea? If you’re apart, you won’t always be able to make up like this, but it can often help just to hear each other’s voices on the phone. Face-to-face communication isn’t always possible and telephone call don’t always work. If you find that your partner deflects difficult subjects or shuts down on the phone, or you find it too emotional to say what you mean, email can be a valuable tool. A reasoned email can sometimes be the easiest way to express and acknowledge different points of view. Writing things down gives you a chance to stop and think, and get your point across clearly. It’s very important to allow yourself a cooling off period. Don’t send important emails when you’re still feeling upset, as you risk making impulsive comments that you may later regret. Instead, try to list the points you’d like your partner to consider. By sending them in an email you’re giving each other time to think about the reasons for being upset as well as ways to resolve them. You can then try to have a calm discussion about the issues on the phone or next time you meet, rather than a full-on argument. Remember that timing is crucial. If you send an email about last night’s bust-up and it hits your partner’s inbox during a hectic day at work, it may just make the situation feel harder to deal with. Pick your moment, and don’t hit the send button until you’re confident they’ll have the time and space to deal with it.
Article | communication, social media
“I feel lonely at home”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been married since a year now. I am little possessive about him. I sometimes overreact because of this. As per my concept I want a person who shares everything with his wife. He likes to take his own space all the time. I feel lonely at home many times. He got a big helping mentality. He daily drops his colleagues( girls) at their home daily after work as they also stay nearby our area. I have no objections in this, though deep inside my heart I don't like it. But i take it very casually. One day he got some urgent work to complete in office. he could not complete it within the office time. So he decided to do the work after reaching home since he cant make other female colleagues wait for him whom he drops daily. I could not understand and find any reason he saying justifiable. Why cant he tell that he got work and ask them to find a way of their own to reach home. We live in a metropolitan city and there's no shortage for a public transport or for taxis. On the same day, I went for shopping in the evening and he usually picks me after I am done with shopping. That day he went straight home saying he got work and I myself found way to reach home. When I called him he said he reached home and if I need he can come and pick me. I said I will manage myself because first of all I din like the fact that he went straight home without picking me. Here I feel that he simply ignoring me and he's giving importance to his colleague gals. He made it sure that they are dropped home regularly and din mind he could pick me back or not. Please advise me. i don't know whether I need to change my attitude in life. I am ready for anything because I need him in my life. I am stuck in life with problems similar to this. Help me out please.
Ask the community | stress, communication, jealousy
“My partner won't get the help he needs”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My partner and I have been together for 18 months. It all happened very suddenly and took both of us by surprise. Even with his history (divorced, 2 kids) as cliché as it is, it was like fate. He and his ex wife have been divorced for a few years but neither have had a serious partner so the custody arrangement has not been adhered to. As he works away from where we live and his kids also live quite a distance away, he would just stay with them whenever he went to see the kids. I was always uncomfortable with this arrangement, but their relationship ended because of her infidelity and he swore that he had no intention or interest at going back there. He just wanted to keep everything amicable for the sake of the kids. Every time he suggested having the kids on his own, she would push back and come up with some reason that she had to be there. She would repeatedly talk to him about her sex life even after he asked her to stop. Whenever he pushed back she would stop answering and cut contact with the kids. I trusted him implicitly and believed that he was working on changing their arrangements so as we could build a life together. What I was aware of but underestimated was her manipulative nature and how deep her hooks are still into him. Late last year he was visiting the kids and tried to break up with me. It came from nowhere and my gut was telling me that I didn’t have the full story. It didn’t take much for him to break down and say that he got really drunk and has a vague recollection that potentially something happened between them. He said she swore it didn’t but he didn’t believe her. We talked, I yelled, we both cried and we agreed that he needed to speak to a psychologist to learn how to deal with her. He suffers from anxiety when he is near her and it doesn’t lift until he is on the plane to come home. They were together for 15 years – she knows how to press his buttons. Long story short – we worked out the indiscretion with his ex-wife on the proviso that he sought help. Since then there have been some changes at his work and he has been away for an extended period of time. Therefore, has not done anything about seeing a psychologist and we have hardly spent any time together – he knows I am angry about that and he has been very withdrawn and not talking to me as regularly. When he came home a couple of weeks ago, he again ended it saying that there was still too much he had to deal with from his divorce, the kids and that his work situation was just not conducive to a relationship. He then went to see the kids and the whole thing just wasn’t sitting right with me. I have trouble letting things go when they don’t make sense to me. After badgering him for a proper answer, it turns out he still feels guilty about what happened and how horribly he has treated me. I still could not see why we could not work through all of that together… until today when I learnt that after he ended it again he slept with his ex wife. He can’t explain the control that she has over him and he knows she is a narcissist and manipulative but he isn’t doing anything to help himself. I am so angry at him but also I love him so much and can’t shake wanting to work through this but it took him making the same mistake twice to actually make the appointment with the psychologist. I know I deserve better but I am totally destroyed and torn about walking away. If he would just help himself and do the things he is saying he will – we could go back to the supportive relationship we had. So to recap - she is manipulative, he is weak and I am still in love. Somebody please talk some sense into me before I drunkenly beg him to keep working on fixing us.
Ask the community | mental health, ex-partner
Finances: planning for the future
Although money isn’t the most romantic topic, it’s an unavoidable part of any relationship. Your financial situation as a couple differs depending on whether you are married, civil partnered, or not. Married or civil partnered couples have a legal duty to support each other but cohabiting couples don’t, even after a separation. Working out a budget can help you keep track of the money you have coming in and how much you spend. You can find a budget planner on the Money Advice Service website. Separate bank accounts If you are not married or civil partnered, you won’t be able to access money held in each other’s separate bank accounts. If one of you dies, any money in the account will not be available until the estate is settled. If you are married or civil partnered, you can only access money in your spouse’s or partner’s account with their permission. If one of you dies, the account becomes part of the inheritance and automatically goes to a spouse or civil partner, unless the will says otherwise. Joint accounts If you have a joint account, you both have the right to access the money. If one of you dies, the account immediately becomes the property of the other, even if you are not married or civil partnered. If you are the only one putting money into the joint account, the money and any purchases you make from it legally belong to you. If you have a joint bank account with your spouse or civil partner, the money - including any debts or overdrafts - is owned jointly, regardless of who has been paying money in, or taking money out. If one partner dies, the account immediately becomes the property of the other. Debts Whether you are married, in a civil partnership, or not, you are not responsible for any debts in your partner’s name, including in their separate bank account. If you do have debts, always take advice as soon as possible. You can speak to Citizens Advice or a debt counselling agency such as the National Debtline (0808 808 4000). In some circumstances, you may need to contact an insolvency practitioner. If you have a joint bank account, things may be more difficult if you are not married and not civil partnered. To close a joint account, you both need to give consent. If the account is not closed, one of you could run up an overdraft and leave the other one responsible for it. If you have a joint mortgage or rent, you are legally responsible for covering each other’s share. Real couples tell their debt stories on our debt and relationships site. Visit the site to see our short animations and expert advice. Credit cards and personal loans If a credit card is in your name, you are liable for the payments, even if your partner is a named user. If you hold the card jointly, then you are both liable. If you take out a loan with your partner, you are both responsible for repaying the borrowed amount. Taxes If you and your partner live together and are not married or civil partnered, you are treated as two separate individuals. This makes a difference to how you are taxed. Married couples and civil partners have certain advantages because they are given tax exemptions for Capital Gains Tax and Inheritance Tax. As an unmarried or uncivil partnered couple, you may be liable for: Capital Gains Tax: This applies to the profit made when you sell or give away an asset, which can include property or possessions worth over £6,000. Everyone has an annual allowance of £11,300 (as of 2017). Beyond this allowance, if you want to transfer assets to your partner, you will be charged Capital Gains Tax if you are not married or civil partnered. Inheritance Tax: This applies to the value of an estate when the owner dies. It is charged in two bands: Assets below £325,000 are charged 0% tax and assets above £325,000 are taxed at 40% (2017). Married and civil partnered people can transfer this to a partner after they die, effectively doubling the threshold to £650,000. As a married or civil partnered couple, you can transfer assets between you without having to pay Capital Gains Tax, and inherit assets from each other without having to pay Inheritance Tax, which can be a large amount of money if a house is part of the inheritance. Although it isn’t possible to avoid these taxes completely, there are ways of arranging your assets to lessen your liability, even if you are not married and not civil partnered. You can ask an accountant or solicitor about the best way to arrange your financial affairs. Benefits and tax credits Some benefits are awarded regardless of marital status. For example, Child Benefit, Working Tax Credit and Child Tax Credit are not affected by marital status, income or savings. Other benefits, such as widow’s benefits, are only available to people who are married or civil partnered. Pensions Although the rules vary between pension companies, spouses or civil partners are entitled to inherit pension rights on the death of their husband, wife, or civil partner. People who live together and are not married or civil partnered are in a vulnerable position when it comes to pensions. Employers who give pensions or death-in-service payments to spouses or civil partners do not usually recognise partners who live together. But things are changing and a few pension companies have shown flexibility. The most important thing you or your partner can do is to name each other as the person you want to benefit from the policy. Useful contacts Citizens Advice – legal rights and advice HM Revenue & Customs – UK tax authority Jobcentre Plus – work-related benefits The National Insurance helpline – 0300 200 3519 Tax Credits helpline –0845 300 3900 or textphone 0845 300 3909 Child Benefit Office helpline – 0300 200 3100 Advicenow - guide on tax, benefits, and living together. Community Care - an ‘A to Z’ of benefits. The Pensions Advisory Service – free and impartial pension advice Unbiased – professional and legal advice service database The legal information on this page was checked by Langleys Solicitors, and updated in 2017.
Article | finance
“So little time, so little options”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm not sure this site is the correct place for my worries, but at this point I am willing to try just about anything. I like this girl. She's my age(24) and due to being in the band together I've had the pleasure of seeing her twice a week without fail the entire time I've known her, about 2 months. We've been good friends for half that after a wild night of drinking lasting until 4am the next day. That said, I didn't chat to her on fb,whatsapp or what have you outside of the band until about 2 days ago. We DID chat face to face and there was never any awkwardness between us, neither face to face nor online. As a result of a lot of chat over the past 2 days I asked her to a movie tonight to which she said ok,but we'll see how tired we are after band. we ended up not going. I did however manage to set up a meet at lunch this wednesday, the suggestion having come from her. The problem lies in the fact that I am leaving the country in about a weeks time. I do not want to regret not having asked her to be my gf. That said I know it'd be risky and even a bit idiotic to ask her to be my gf the very first time we're meeting outside of band. It may be because I've never actually been in a relationship but the only 'solution' I can think of is to somehow ask her to be my gf and if she does accept then carry out a long-distance relationship. A third party friend who knows both me and her has suggested asking the girl's best friend for advice, but I'm not sure what sort of advice she could give. if there is a way to accomplish this even overseas without rushing it then I'm all ears. if there is a way to make this succeed in the time I have left before leaving the country, I'm listening. lend me your wisdom folks!
Ask the community | communication, long distance
“End of marriage”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My husband and I made the decision to separate late last year and have recently moved out. He has now needed to leave town for work. Our separation came at the end of a long relationship that began 14 years ago (at 16 and 25) and has putted along, not altogether unhappily but with discontent and basically living completely separate lives for the last 5 or so years. We have one child together who is intense behaviourally and he has not been supportive of my struggles with her, so I have worked part time and managed her as best I can while he has worked full.time and pursued his own interests and hobbies at leisure, never feeling that time at home or helping with our child should be prioritised. Last year it culminated in him travelling overseas several times alone and having a relationship there which has now ended. I see this as the catalyst for ending our relationship but not necessarily the whole reason - none of it would have happened if we were happy together. I don't feel as though we have ever been able.to bring out the best in each other. When he first wanted to separate, I was sad (mainly for our daughter) but worked through those feelings, developed peace with the situation and our need to separate and some months later (officially separated but still under the same roof) very tentatively began a new relationship. After this started he backflipped and said he wanted to be back together. He thinks that he is ready to change. The relationship has been up and down basically since the beginning and I honestly feel like the best thing for both of us would be to peacefully and amicably let it go and work on reconnecting him as a parent. I am ok with the whole thing - a little sad but also excited about rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, starting a new job and seeing how my very cautious new relationship develops now I am living alone (well, with my daughter). He is not emotionally expressive like me, is holding on to a lot of regret and sadness and is really struggling. I am really worried that he won't be ok on his own, and I still care about him deeply and this hurts me a lot. I guess what I want to know is: How do I know if we have made the right decision? Should I get back with him again, do heaps of counselling and really, really try to make it work (obviously ending the new relationship I have begun, which I would struggle with at this point) for his sake and for our daughter? My gut feeling is that if we did this we'd just be delaying the inevitable. If not, how do I help him move on from the relationship? We obviously are still communicating because of our daughter. And how do I go forth and be happy with someone new when I can't shake the feeling I've left a trail of heartbreak behind me? I know this is too long (and yet still so much is left out)! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers but any ideas or experiences would ve helpful. Thanks 🙂
Ask the community | breakups, marriage, divorce, parenting apart
“Am I a mug??”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need a lot of advice at the moment this might get a bit long-winded. ok so me and my gf have been together now over two years kinda… so she just recently took a job on in a kitchen as a chef and the first two weeks she hated it she then met this boy and everything changed she started wearing makeup to work everyday! she also seemed to just love being at work and it seemed like she would stay longer than she needed to on purpose, at this point in our relationship we were kinda drifting apart we were living in a little room together and it just seemed to start getting boring, we then broke up she had enough and she left me. Two weeks later she started seeing this boy from work they went on 2 little dates to a pub and then they went on a proper date a week later she then stayed over his that night and they had sex. he then moved back to where he actually lives 2 days later and then told her he wasnt actually looking for a relationship he then didnt contact her for a while, at this time she had blocked me on facebook i think she done this to move on with him however when that didnt happen a few weeks later she unblocked me, maybe a month and a half had passed by now and we started talking again we started hanging out and going on walks together she always seemed not to sure if she wanted to go on a walk but she always did (most of the time) her and this boy now haven’t spoken for a month! We started to sleep together again now only a hand full of times mainly saturday nights neither of us drink so no alcohol was involved, after a few weeks of this we decided to get back together and give it another shot, however the whole time we were doing all this she was still loooking him up on facebook everyday 3-5 times a day normally and clearly still had feelings for him. ok so we have now been back together for maybe 2 weeks and then the night before v day she broke up with me however i feel the causing of that was he messaged her and i feel it stirred loads of feelings up again So she left me maybe 3 days later we got back together again but he started messaging her again a week or so ago and he asked her for money!!! she said yes to this and transferred the money to him hes expected to pay it back at the end of this month, however after this contact again they now occasionally talk on facebook and they also have phonecalls mainly talking about work etc but im not to sure what happens on the phone calls i hope nothing bad, however she is still looking him up on fb everyday whenever she gets a chance she does seem to be trying in our relationship now but i just feel like crap constantly worrying she will leave me for him again The problem is he lives on the otherside of the country and i feel thats whats stopping her i know he doesnt have the same feelings for her and i think she knows that aswell but it just hurts so much to know she cares so much about a guy who basically fuck and ducked her and is now using her for money and she still seems to let him do it he was in her life for maybe a month and i just feel like he means more to her than i do and i just really dont know what to do i love this girl so much she has helped me through so much and i just dont ever see myself without her i dont want to see that! I just need some opinions on the situation anything will help but guys please just be reasonable with me im very delicate at the moment haha thanks
Ask the community | communication, cheating
“Should I tell or not?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So I have been talking to my guy friend for about 6 months now on and off. Now we have established that we are "a thing" but not quite in a relationship. He is so generous and caring and takes great care of me. Although, he isn't the most eye catching , Im still into him. So he has two vehicles and I sometimes drive the one that he doesn't because my car air conditioner doesn't work and his does. The other day I was taking my cousin somewhere I accidentally hit the breaks a little late but I didn't hit anyone. BUTTT. The other car behind me breaks weren't as fast i guess. So the lady hit the back of his car. So in the moment I'm like "OWE SHIT!" this isn't even my car. So I got out in panic mood and looked at the back bumper to see the damage and i didn't see anything. So the lady was an older sweet lady and was shocked, so we both thought we had no scratches so i went on about my way. When I made it to my destination, I looked again and I saw some scratches and a little hole. So i was freaking out again! But it's an older car so it already had a lot of paint feeling in the front area but still i thought he might notice it. It's been like a week now and he still hasn't noticed it. But today I was driving it again and when i hit the breaks it sounded like a rattle was coming from the back side area where she hit me from. So when i came in i said "Bae has your car been making that noise when you break?". and he said, " I don't know , maybe" . So today is his first day driving the car i had the wreck in , and i'm a little nervous if he is going to question me or just think it was a hit and run. My question to you guys is ; Should I act like I have no clue about anything and say someone must have done it OR Should i own up to it and say i was scared to tell him? . Because i really just don't want any extra problems that's why i haven't said anything yet. PLEASE HELP
User article | communication
What is relationship quality?
Relationship quality is all about how happy or satisfied a person feels in their couple relationship.  We think you might find it useful to keep track of your own relationship quality, so we’ve put together a simple quiz to help you do this. Click the “start quiz” button at the foot of the page to get started.     What happens next? The questions will ask you to reflect on things you think are going well, and areas you might want to find out more about. We would encourage you to not overthink your answers but select the first answer that comes to mind. After completing the questions, you will receive a ‘score’ based on your answers, which will give an indication of your happiness or satisfaction with your relationship. This score will range from 0% (poorest relationship quality) to 100% (highest relationship quality).  We may ask you these questions again in the future so we can see how things have changed for you.   How will the information be used? We will use the information you provide to help us with our research, but please be assured that your data will not be shared with any third parties. Please see our privacy and data protection policy and our terms and conditions for a full explanation.   The science behind it Relationship quality is studied a lot by relationship researchers because it’s useful for them to know how happy people are in their relationships at different points in their lives.Lots of relationship quality measures have been developed over the years. The one we use is called the DAS-7, which is based on seven key questions from a much longer measure called the ‘Dyadic Adjustment Scale’ [1-3]. It has been thoroughly tested and it’s much quicker to fill in than other measures.     References Sharpley, Christopher F., and H. Jane Rogers. 1984. ‘Preliminary Validation of the Abbreviated Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale: Some Psychometric Data Regarding a Screening Test of Marital Adjustment’. Educational and Psychological Measurement 44 (4):1045–49. https://doi.org/10.1177/0013164484444029. Spanier, Graham B. 1976. ‘Measuring Dyadic Adjustment: New Scales for Assessing the Quality of Marriage and Similar Dyads’. Journal of Marriage and the Family 38 (1):15. https://doi.org/10.2307/350547. Hunsley, John, Marlene Best, Monique Lefebvre, and Diana Vito. 2001. ‘The Seven-Item Short Form of the Dyadic Adjustment Scale: Further Evidence for Construct Validity’. The American Journal of Family Therapy 29 (4): 325–35. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926180126501.
Measurement tool | quiz
5 min read
“My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________    Hi everyone, Me and my boyfriend are both 20 have been dating since we were 16. We moved out at 18 and are saving for a mortgage together. Marriage is so important to me (my parents have been married for nearly 30 years) but he doesn't want to get married or engaged. His parents are together but have never married. I would love to get married and show our commitment and love towards each other and make it official but he's not interested. He says he wants to get married at some point in the future but he won't pop the question to me. I feel like something is holding him back and making him not want to marry me but he won't tell me what it is. He says he loves me and won't leave but so many people around us are getting married or engaged who have been together less time and aren't as financially stable as us (to pay for engagement or wedding costs). I cook him meals every day, I clean the house and do the washing. I think I do really look after him, we both look after each other. I work full time and stay in shape. A work colleague of his is getting married and she doesn't do anything for her other half, she doesn't cook or pay rent or for bills, I don't know what I'm doing wrong;( I feel like there's something wrong with me which is the reason causing him to not want to commit. I feel like it's driving me crazy. Marriage is a big deal to me and I dream of how I'd have my special day and I feel bitter and jealous towards other people celebrating their engagements/weddings. It's horrible I know! If he loves me and wants to stay with my forever the why won't he commit and marry me? It gets me down and I love him but I worry as to why he hasn't asked me yet if he does love me and knows how much being husband and wife means to me. What's stopping him? Please help.
User article | communication, marriage
“My ex left my because of her insecurities”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I am a woman who fell in love with another woman a year and a half ago. She was married to a man with 3 children. She left her husband for me and we were in love. I still am very much in love with her. During our relationship she began to develope fears regarding people knowing about our relationship. Her mother found out and was not supportive of our relationship she doesn't agree with gay people. My girlfriends husband is a horrible person who knew later on after the split that there was something going on between us and he has said and done horrible things to me. He still has not confronted my girlfriend about me and constantly trys to win her back. When the children see him they tell him about me and because of this he began to punish because they enjoyed me being around although they only know of me as being there mothers 'friend'. My girlfriend is wrapped with guilt regarding breaking up her family home and fears her children fjnding out about our relationship in fear they will hate her and that they will suffer at school etc because of this and her husband hurting them because of their relationship they had with me. We have rowed so many times regarding her insecurities as everyrime she gets scared ahe dumps me. She wont talk she just dumps me and says she can give me what i need in life because of this. She told me that she still loves me just the same but she cant have a normal relationship that i deserve. When she finished with me (all in texts) i said some horrible things to her and she blocked all contact with me and i havent heard from her since. It has been a week and i feel like im dying inside. I love her and want my life with her and i feel like im being punished for being a woman. Im hurting so much and dont know what to do.
Ask the community | communication, social media
 “Falling in love quickly”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I met someone in a chatroom that I was in. He lives states away. I had no intention on meeting someone. However we just clicked. Continued our conversation in private. Within hours he gave me his phone number. Normally I am very hesitate about contacting people online. But I had no hesitation. We talked on the phone for a long time. Then continued at night and talked for 4 hours. Nothing really sexual. Just chatting. Then the next day we talked for a total of 8 hours.We text and talked on the phone all weekend. Our connection was so incredibly strong. And by day three he told me he loved me. I felt the same. We both were done with relationships before we met. I am a single mom. Haven’t had an official boyfriend in ten years. It’s hard to explain our connection and everything we’ve talked about however he was a player and admitted that opening before we got serious. He says I made him a one woman man. He wants to marry me and have kids. He has talked to my daughter. Another thing I’m very hesitant and protective about but had no hesitation with him. We’ve had fights because I feel like this is too good to be true. We haven’t met. I’m going to see him in April. I was supposed to in February but we got into a fight. He plans on moving to me in a couple months. I’d prefer he wait until we meet in person anyway. We text, talk on phone and FaceTime often so I don’t think it’ll be much different but it could be. He knows I’m insecure and it makes it ten times worse since he’s far away. He’s constantly reassuring me I’m it for him. He’s found the one. And I feel the same and have pulled back in sharing my insecurities. There’s wonderful feelings I have for him but also feelings of distrust I have for him. This is kind of all over the place but I’ve wanted to give some background. My question is...Can people fall in love in three days and have a lasting relationship? It’s almost a fairytale. The night he entered the chat I was asleep and the next morning I was busy at work. I hopped on on my lunch break and he said he wanted to get to know me immediately. And he said before I entered the chat he almost left but there was a fellow military man in there he felt bad for and kept talking to him. So we almost missed each other which makes it even more crazy.
Ask the community | communication, social media
“Wasting my time or not?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is going to be long so bare with me. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.. Granted we were “friends with benefits” for several months to start out and knew each other for several years before. I also used to work for his Mother briefly and have a really good friendship with her. We now currently live together. To give you a little background.. I am 30 (31 in May) and he is 3 years younger than me. I am divorced. He has never really had a serious relationship before me. His longest relationship was about 3-4 months so he is kind of “inexperienced” (his words). We had many conversations about what we wanted when we first started dating. I told him I wanted children and didn’t want to have any after 35. I also said I would never wait 5 years again for someone to marry me (like my ex husband). I know exactly what I want in life and I wanted to be very clear so if it wasn’t what he wanted we could walk away from the get go. I feel like he’s maybe not sure what he wants sometimes even though he says he does. We’ve had several conversations about the future and about 6 months ago he asked me how I felt about getting a joint bank account and combining some bills (cell phone and car insurance) after the New Year. I told him I would be OK with that considering we had conversations about marriage, etc and I felt like it was going there (obviously way dinner than it is). Well a few weeks ago I brought it up again to see when he was thinking about doing all of that because he had not mentioned it again and he was real hesitant all of a sudden. He said that he had changed his mind and thought we should wait until we were married. I felt real confused and like I was getting mixed signals at that point. He assures me that he would never waste my time and if he didn’t think it was going there then he would just end it. It really doesn’t help that everyone around us is either getting married or having kids. Two girls in our friend group had a baby recently, one more just found out that she’s pregnant and another just got engaged. Also, best friend is eloping to her boyfriend next year in Barbados and they’ve only been dating for a little over 6 months. How is it that a guy she hardly knows already knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with her but my boyfriend and I don’t even talk about future things anymore? Even my ex-husband is remarried with a new baby. I know I should be happy for each and every one of them and I am, but it’s hard not to be envious at the same time. Maybe I’m just impatient? I feel like we are just in limbo and playing house at this point. I don't know if I’m wasting my time or not?
Ask the community | communication, marriage
“Am I cheating because I flirt?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my S/O for almost three years now. I am so in love. I love him with all of my heart. He is perfect, he makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better. But we are getting older now, and I just feel like I sometimes am in a different stage in my life. I sometimes feel more mature. I have threatned a breakup because I have these feelings that things aren’t gonna change. He is going to be the same. He is going to still be this amazing and wonderful person but he has no head on his shoulders. He has a dream but is afraid to go for it. Or at least thats what it seems like. But i have been with him for so long that I just couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. I know he has some family issues going on right now which is the root of most of his issues but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if things would be different. Which is why I feel like I am constantly searching for something new. But I don’t want it to be our relationship. I am heavily attracted to one of our close friends and I keep having these dreams of being with him and I feel so guilty. And sometimes I catch myself flirting with him, laying down and snuggling with him and constantly thinking about him. The way I used to think of my boyfriend. But the thing is i feel like I will never stop loving my boyfriend. I love him so incredibly much so I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to feel. Am I guilty of cheating in my head? Am I cheating because I flirt with my guy friend? Am I wrong for having these sorts of dreams? I have spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he does know about them. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like even though I felt great after that talk and I felt so much closer to him I still keep getting those feelings of my guy friend. I just don’t know whats right and wrong anymore.
Ask the community | someone else, flirting
“Love triangle at work?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Ok, so I guess I'm sort of involved in a love triangle at work. A few weeks ago I was traveling with my co-worker and we ended up kissing. It was fun and it seemed to charge up a bit of chemistry with us. We haven't dated or anything but there has been some major flirting and texting. Nothing heavy. I was playing it cool until I found out this girl was seeing someone else at the office. I believe they were seeing each other before we kissed. Regardless it made me feel a little jilted but I bounced back. Today was valentines day and the guy she's sort of seeing brought in Valentines day candy for everyone. It's obvious he brought it over so he could give her some. So later in the day I texted her saying I got valentines day candy from this un named person. And said I think he mistook me for you. It seemed to fluster her, mind you she's been flirting with me up to this point. So after that I decided to act indifferent like I did not care. I gave her a bit of the cold shoulder treatment but was still nice to her. I acknowledged her presence but nothing like I have been doing up to today. Basically I reverted back to grade school and started to ignore her / act like she wasn't a priority. Now I could be mistaken, but this seemed to make her frustrated, and I felt like she was trying to get my attention the whole day. She left the office in a hurry with a short goodbye. It's like I got under her skin. So did I strike a nerve? Does this indicate she's confused. That she might like me too? At this point I've decided to move on because I feel a little rejected. But it was odd behaviour coming from someone who picked someone else. Why did she act so frustrated / agitated when I gave her the indifferent treatment? Am I winning? I don't expect to win her over but I'm not going to lie. It felt good to see her react this way. I don't expect her to start chasing me, that's not why I acted this way. I was simply putting on a game face. And by acting like I did not care about the situation plus giving her a bit of the cold shoulder seemed to make her a little flustered. What is this all about?
Ask the community | flirting, rejection
“My girlfriend's sister came onto me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone I am 23 years old and I have been seeing my girlfriend for more than a year now and we have one of the best relationships a couple could hope for. I’ve given her a promise ring and had planned on possibly marrying her some day, we also have been living together for over a year. I am extroverted and i tend to say what’s on my mind, if something needs to be said I’ll usually be the one to stand up and say it. she is a month older than i am, she is a little bit shy but not around me. her only major problems in my opinion are that she is very jealous of her sister. she thinks her sister is so much more beautiful than her and she really looks up to her, also she tends to be extremely empathetic and she is easily manipulated by her family because of it. She gets guilted into doing things a lot. It all started on Christmas day. we went over to her parents house for xmas. her parents were there, her sister/boyfriend, her brother and his gf, 4 aunts/uncles and their kids, as well as grandparents. it was after dinner so we all decided to sit down and watch a movie while the rest of the family was in the other room around the dining room table. i was sitting on the left end of a couch and she was next to me on the right. to the right of the couch across the room was the tv. to the left of the couch was an armchair facing down the length of the couch towards the television, in the chair sat her sister and her boyfriend who lap she was sitting on. the chair wasn't reclined at all just laid back a little. well I’m sitting there looking to my right watching the movie and about 20 minutes in i feel something on my left leg.. I think to myself oh she must have bumped my leg so i move my leg over a little and continue watching the movie. 1 minute passes and once again i feel something on my leg except this time its rubbing up and down on my shin. i think to myself she must think that my leg is the couch so i start bouncing my leg and her whole foot starts moving. (mind you she is on her boyfriends lap at the time and he doesn't notice anything and my girlfriend is watching tv looking the opposite direction and i have my arm around her.) she doesn't react at all in fact she begins to pinch my pant leg with her toes and starts tugging on it. i look over at her and she is staring at me, not the movie then she smiles and winks at me. At this point im completely in shock and looking back at it now i should have opened my mouth and said what the fuck are you doing. however in my state of confusion at the time i ended up straightening out my legs so she cant reach my my leg. she repositioned herself again and tried to reach for my feet and i finally stood up and said i was going to go get a drink of water. while i was on my way back i noticed her looking me all up and down when i walked back into the room. i told(my g/f) i was ready to go and we left. Later that night i ended up talking to my girlfriend about it and told her everything that had happened and she was more or less in denial about it and didn't want to believe it had actually happened but she said she would talk to her about it next time she seen her. The next day she was at work and her sister came in and she said "so did you brush up against *'s leg at Christmas? you kinda made him uncomfortable." and her sister replied "i may have bumped his leg once or twice on accident, why does he always have to make things weird". she replied I don’t know and that was the end of that conversation. After she got home from work I asked her how it went and she said exactly what happened at work and i obviously told her I didn't think she handled it right & she needed to talk to her sister again and ask why she was trying to make moves on me etc. well then she proceeded to get mad at me because I didn't think she handled it right, in fact the very next day she made plans to go hangout with her sister and go shopping as if nothing had even happened. i told her to tell her sister she wasn't going to go hangout with her that I was going to go with her shopping so her sister ended up throwing a fit a guilting her into ditching me and going with her to go shopping. I was kinda pissed but I said whatever, her sister had some stuff to do in town first so she and I went and got some food before I dropped her off at **'s so she could ride with her sister. by the time her sister finished what she had to do in town it was almost 7pm and the day was completely gone. (Her sister) then said she didn't want to go shopping.. is it just me or does it sound like she did that just to spite me?? Anyway, later that night i told (my g/f) that i wasn't happy with what happened it and told her this may be the thing that drives a wedge between us in our relationship. i tried to explain to her that it would be life if i had a brother and my brother had a girlfriend and he was at my house for a family thing, while holding his girlfriends had walked by you and grabbed your ass. then when you told me about it not old did i not believe you but i got pissed at you for accusing him of such things. I'm more or less looking for advice on the matter and I'm not sure what i should do. im wondering how this will effect our relationship down the road and also im wondering if i should marry someone that wont stick up for me in situations like this. your thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks.
Ask the community | flirting