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Parenting through Rise-filtered glasses
As a new parent, you might find yourself cut off from some of your usual social outlets, stuck at home for long stretches of time with only the baby for company. At this time, family and friends can be more important than ever, providing support and advice to boost your confidence and help get you through the tougher days. If your friends and family live far away, or if you don’t have face-to-face access, online social media can help you and your partner feel more connected to the outside world. Emotional support and positive feedback from other parents can also be invaluable as you figure things out [1] [2]. Social media can give you access to this, but it also helps you stay in touch with old friends who keep you connected to the parts of your life outside your parenting role [3]. Beating loneliness with online social interaction Your baby is always going to be your first priority, but these other social connections are important. As humans, we need to have meaningful relationships with each other – when we disconnect socially it can affect our health, making us more stressed and more likely to get sick, and affecting our sleep and concentration [3]. Social media can help you feel less isolated but it’s important to pay attention to the way you use it. Parents who actively engage with friends on social media tend to feel less stressed and more positive about their role as parents [2] but people who just spend more time on social media without engaging tend to feel more isolated, not less [3]. The difference here is between use and interaction. We’ve all spent time staring into our phones, refreshing our social media feeds in the hope that something new will come up. But this isn’t going to help you feel more connected when you’re knee-deep in baby wipes waiting for your partner to come home. You’ve got to reach out and engage with people if you want to experience the positive effects of social media. Turning off the filters It’s also important to keep some perspective on what you see through the lens of social media. We all know that Facebook life isn’t real life, and that nobody ever looks as good as they do on Instagram, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing things through Rise-filtered glasses and believing everybody on social media is having a better time than you.  If social media is your only window into your friends’ lives, you might start thinking they are living happier, more connected lives than you [3]. Try to remember that you’re only seeing an edited glimpse of what your friends want the rest of the world to see. When your social networks start making you feel worse instead of better, take a step back and have a think about who you could reach out to for a chat. It’s the social aspect of social networks that’s valuable, so the next time you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through posts, send a message instead – ask for advice, vent your feelings, or just tell someone a funny story about your day. The empathy, advice and humour that you come across online can give you a life-affirming confidence boost and make you feel better about how you’re getting on as a parent [4]. You might even want to start by making a post here on Click.   References [1] Madge C., O’Connor H. (2006). Parenting gone wired: Empowerment of new mothers on the Internet? Social and Cultural Geography, 7, 199–220.[2] Bartholomew, M. K., Schoppe‐Sullivan, S. J., Glassman, M., Kamp Dush, C. M., & Sullivan, J. M. (2012). New parents' Facebook use at the transition to parenthood. Family relations, 61(3), 455-469.[3] Primack, B.A. et al (2017) Social Media Use and Perceived Social Isolation Among Young Adults in the U.S. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 53(1), 1-8.[4] Fletcher, R., & St. George, J. (2011). Heading into fatherhood—nervously: Support for fathering from online dads. Qualitative Health Research, 21(8), 1101-1114.
Article | social media, parenting
6 min read
Jealousy and affairs
Most of us experience feelings of jealousy in our relationship from time to time. Sometimes, it’s just a fleeting feeling that’s easy enough to let go of; other times, jealousy can take hold, settle in, and turn to anxiety. Mild feelings of jealousy can be useful. A little bit of jealousy might remind you not to take your partner for granted – but when jealousy won’t let go, it can become extreme or obsessive. Jealousy, left unchecked, can ruin a relationship. Where does jealousy come from? Often, it's linked to something in your past which has left you with a sense of insecurity. If you're insecure in your relationship and very dependent on your partner, then you may have more triggers and be more likely to become jealous. You may find it helpful to explore where your feelings of insecurity come from. If it’s something you’re able to identify, try to accept and own it. Have an honest conversation with your partner about your insecurities, and explain that you’re trying to work through them. Affairs People have affairs for a variety of reasons. It isn’t always about sex, but an affair is usually a sign that something in the relationship is not right. An affair is a breach of trust between partners. Trust is essential in any relationship, and it's often taken for granted. Finding out that your partner has had an affair can be a huge shock. If your partner has had an affair, you may feel insecure and jealous for a long time. You may choose to end the relationship but if you and your partner both want to try and repair the damage, it’s likely to take some time before you feel confident in your partner again. There’s no set time on how long it will take to rebuild your relationship, but it is possible to recover if you’re both willing to move on from the affair and work on the underlying issues. Many relationships do survive affairs and can sometimes end up being stronger over time. As time passes, trust can be restored and you may find yourself feeling more secure in your relationship. An affair will nearly always bring about a change in a relationship, but it doesn't always spell the end.
Article | jealousy, trust
3 min read
“My husband doesn't trust me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So my husband and I have been together for 13 years now. We have two beautiful girls (age 6, 7). We’ve had our ups and downs, and managed through tough times. However I’m starting to think more and more I’m just living a life that he expects me to live. Since the time we’ve been together I’ve made tons of compromises to help him with his mistrust and jealosy: I’ve stopped using make up because he said guys keep staring at you, I’ve stopped to dress how I want and every time asked for his approval on clothes, I communicated with him every minute of the day where I was, etc... So now 13 years later, I’m still doing it. With me being a mom, trying to please my husbands jealosy, I’ve lost myself and exhausted. So today I feel like it is s last Dora, I returned from my business trip after not being home 4 days, he was not happy that I went of course. Besides him being mean to me almost every time I called to speak with kids he texted after I let him know I’m driving back from the airport, he said “Just let me know when you are five minutes out, so I can leave the house. I cannot see you now and not be mad at you for going on the trip”. He said “Return to your kids and take care of them”. I do not choose to go on the trip, it is my job.
Ask the community | trust
“Wife texting another man”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Recently I found out my wife has been in quite inappropriate conversation with another man, i seen their chat pop up while using her laptop and the content of one message was out of order so i clicked to read further into this. It had been going on 3 months or so and very sexual chats and even some non revealing but teasing photos had been sent. He was leading most of it but recently she seemed to be enjoying it more and playing along (she sent the photos) he kept asking for more revealing photos and she was teasing along. It took me a while but i eventually confronted her about my disgust and i tried to be reasonable and understanding and asked was something missing from our relationship. I had on many occasions felt we were missing something and a few times asked her and she kept saying all was fine. After talking to her about this she admitted she is a bit bored and the younger man made her feel good and it was flattering, she agreed it was inappropriate and promised me it would stop. A few weeks passed and all seemed great but i walked in one day of her taking a close up of her cleavage lying in bed. She quickly passed it off and denied it. She has moved all messaging to snapchat so no history is available and she gaurds her phone closely which was never really a thing before. I feel its still happening but dont know how to confront her again incase i come across as posessive and contrilling as im sure she will acuse me of this. We have always been a very open and trusting couple and this leaves me heartbroken and i feel ive lost trust in her since this but i dont want to be watching over my sholuder the whole time. I feel betrayed even though by the messages nothing has happend physically ( well at least not up to a few weeks ago) but i really tried to be understating to make things work and feel she played along and made me feel she would stop to save any further conversation as she has never been into having relationship chats. Is the snapchatting her workaround so i dont find out or am i being paranoid. Her job leaves her open to late nights away and he lives near her job and although i dont thinks anything has happened im fearful it can easily under the circumstances as its normal for her job to have her in late and different times each night. I think if it is still going on i will lose all trust and not want to be with her but we have kids and i adore them and i would lost without them. Any advice welcome and thanks in advance.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, emotional affair
“Why is he staying with me?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Ok this is a long one I have been with my husband for 15 years and married for 8 we have 2 children At Christmas he was out on his Christmas do i was browsing through Facebook before i went to sleep and a photo popped up with him tagged it showed him very cosy with a young girl. it disappeared around a minute later from Facebook but it was enough to make me think, so the next opportunity I got I looked at his phone and found more photos of him and this young girl on his phone.They are with other people but very cosy and they look like a couple. I did not mention it at first but i just tried to have a discussion about our relationship in which he admitted he had not been happy for 2 years. I thought then and there it was over but he sent be a huge bunch of flowers and seamed to want to work it all out. However i just couldn't shake the pictures from my mind so i eventually brought them up. He assured me they were just very good friends(his words) She had worked with him for 2 years and i had no idea who she was. its only a small office i know all the other ladies by name and i have never had any issues i used to pop in every now and again (for valid reasons he forgot his lunch things like that at his request) i had never seen this girl or heard him mention her. He then said he hadn't mentioned her because they talk about me?? As you can imagine things deteriorated between us and i was very hurt angry and confused. I lost a lot of weight and he seamed pleased by this kept telling me i looked great i was only a size 12 before all this (she is about a size 4 thats a guess very skinny) But then in the middle of all these arguments he though it was appropriate to book to go to Vegas with his friends. Ordinarily i wouldn't mind this but I had wanted to go to Vegas for my 30th 6 years ago at the time we couldn't afford it which is fine and he promised me we could go for my 40th i have been planning this and looking forward to it. financially we are a lot better off now i have been promoted and earn equal to him and there is the option to do overtime whenever i need/want. We could afford for us to go to Vegas now but i wanted it to be something special for my 40th. We have no debt nice cars a lovely house but i would give it all away to feel like i matter to him anymore. I'm struggling to understand why he is staying with me. No I'm not going to pretend I'm perfect I'm not i get very very angry and shout and sometimes say things i don't mean not violent I'm not a violent person at all. classic me (we wouldn't be here if you had kept it in your pants) but i often feel that i do these things to get him to sit up and take notice (wrong i know as it just makes him angry) We find it hard to have conversations without them becoming a argument. His work organise charity things and i have never been invited to 1 he says he wants that part of his life separate from me and he should be entitled to have that. i don't want to stop him doing anything i just want to be part of his life, i don't want to go to everything i know we have issues with childcare my parents live a long way away but help when they can, his parents are closer but don't really do much. I'm really struggling. He now says he's suffering from depression. I have booked him an appt at a the Drs. I'm trying to be supportive i know how horrendous depression can be. When i look back tho i don't think he has ever really considered me and I've probably just put up with it but I'm so so hurt by the Vegas thing he says he going and that's that. What would you all do? I'm lost, confused and don't want to destroy my children's lives. If you all think I'm in the wrong please say I'm especially interested in a male perspective. I have male friends but they are my friends and obviously give me the whole what are you doing with him get rid talk but i am also fully aware they only have my side.
Ask the community | trust, jealousy
“Difficulty coming to terms with her past”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've had an online female friend for a couple of years (I have been single for some time and quite comfortable with that) and we use to chat every few weeks via a chat program and occasionally over Skype. Recently she was facing some problems at work and was clearly stressed and anxious about her future. As someone who helps many friends I offered to help her with this issue. We resolved the issue over a two week period and got to know each other much better. Soon the phone calls became marathon sessions of up to 6 hours at a time, just talking as friends and being very open about our lives, loves lost and gained, and our general history. She is also going through another small issue for which I lend an ear to vent into. It became clear that she had faced some significant challenges in her early life which led her to join the military as soon as she could leave home. I found her strength of character, intelligence and sense of humor fairly intoxicating but as she had shown no interest, left it alone. Later she hinted at an interest but not wanting to damage a friendship by making a mistake I have continued to leave things as they are. I have been described as unusual for a guy in that I have strong feelings about the importance of trust and respect in relationships and never betraying someone by being unfaithful. I would rather end a relationship on a basis of mutual respect than cause someone pain just because of an inability to face up to issues. In a recent call she dropped some bombs (well to me they were bombs) about several relationships she had with married men (all military and mostly while on deployment). She said that she was attracted to these men and they to her and that in the military it's basically accepted that if you are away from home and mentally stable, you can be unfaithful and it's no problem. She said that each time both parties were just having sex and that no 'relationship' was created or intended. She also talked about being completely comfortable with using guys just for sex. She is still Facebook friends with all these men. I can safely say that many men I know would love to have a sex only relationship such as those she engaged in. Everyone has a past of some kind and my attitude to people's past relationships is generally that the past is the past but in this case, her flippant attitude towards the fact that these men were betraying wives that loved and supported them, and trusted them to be faithful and not bring home an STD threw me completely. In fact it makes my stomach turn. She does not appear to have remorse/guilt over the potential impact to the families involved and only once referenced them in a negative light as 'silly mistakes'. She has also mentioned married guys hitting on her recently and her main reason for not jumping them was because they were not attractive, not because they were married... You often hear people say 'Don't judge' and I am trying to resolve in my own head if I am wrong to not understand how a person that has been betrayed herself, is clearly intelligent, confident and driven, could care so little about others. I have also wondered if in fact she does feel bad about these 'non-relationships' and laughs them off to avoid talking about them and it just comes across as cold, or that perhaps she is simply a deeply selfish person I should avoid. So now my first instinct is to withdraw and not have anything more to do with her because it seems to me that it requires a significant level of detachment and lack of empathy to sleep with married men and not have any concerns for the potential destruction to an innocent person's life. I'd be interested to know if I'm overreacting or simply missing the plot here and that in this day and age it's considered ok to be unfaithful or that it's bad for the man but understandable and not so bad if a woman knowingly helps a man betray his wife because I need decide whether to continue holding out the hand of friendship or to simply cut her off entirely. Feel free to be as blunt as you want as I'm not the sensitive type, just looking for answers. Thanks.
Ask the community | trust, cheating
“I cannot trust a trustworthy man”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello. I’ve met my partner a year ago, I love him dearly and have wanted to meet someone like him for a long time and see such a good future ahead of us... cue the ugly anxiety and insecurity from my part that raises its head constantly in the relationship (past trust issues with exes, life situations have greatly shattered my levels of trust and distorted my reality of how I perceive what is potentially threatening to my happiness) Recently, I made the mistake of looking at his pc..out of morbid curiosity to see what pics of his ex looked like. I opened up a can of worms as there were photo albums of them just kissing- photo after photo, the album was even called ‘kisses’. There were also folders of Valentines celebrations, plus many more seemingly happy and romantic times they’d shared. He’s always lead me to believe that this woman he was with for a few years wasn’t the one for him and that he didn’t see a future with her- despite his proposal to her a few years back. He’s always said they had no connection and that he is completely over that relationship. I know I shouldn’t have done this..but I deleted the photo albums. A few weeks ago, I stupidly returned to his pc and saw that he’d moved the photo albums I deleted to the original file paths on his computer- making me question why the hell he would want to keep photos of him and her kissing passionately and sharing valentines dinners. What I want to address is both why he would want to keep these pics and also what it is that I’m so insecure about. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him yet I can’t help but feel I should prepare myself for hurt. I’ve seen a counsellor about my levels of anxiety and insecurity but it was a short term solution to a long term issue of mine. I feel like I’m sabotaging a good relationship by looking for things to hurt or worry me and I would so appreciate anyone else’s views or advice on this. I can’t tell my friends or family as I feel too embarrassed by it all and my partner has understandably had enough of trying to reassure me. Please don’t judge me.
Ask the community | trust, jealousy
“Something she said years ago”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   We've been together for over 30 years...since high school. About 25 years ago, we had a big argument, enough of one that I stormed out for long walk to get my head straight. When I returned, we were both sorry it had happened and the first words to come out of her mouth was, "I made a mistake." At the time, less experience in hand, I assumed that to mean that she was sorry for the argument but now I wonder if she was. Why didn't she say, "I'm sorry", or "It was my fault", or "I shouldn't have gotten mad", or something along those lines. But she said she made a mistake, which leads me to wonder, as I have for many years, if she was trying to fess up to having cheated, which may explain why we got into an argument over something stupid to begin with...her feeling guilty. Truly, a person doesn't make a mistake when they cheat, as it's a choice, not an accidental choice either as it would have to be planned. So in anyone's estimation, is it likely that I have cause for wonder? Did she cheat and when I didn't pursue her statement she decided not to bring it up again thinking all was in the past? This has bothered me on and off for years and pops into my head every great once in a while when something reminds me of those times in the past. I even asked her about this a couple of years ago and she said she didn't remember saying that but it had to be because of our argument. If I found it to be true, I'd most likely forgive her, as it would have happened years before we were married. And it would give me a feeling a finally knowing the truth so that I could put it behind me. Should I ask her again and be steadfast that I want a real answer and explain to her my misgivings about her choice of words having given me this thought? What is the likelihood she really did cheat?
User article | trust, arguments
“Was my partner cheating?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Dating for 2 1/2 years I'm in California she is in Nevada. Had a few breakups she has major issues with me and my ex wife being compatible we have kids. In March of 2017 we had a short breakup like a week. We were talking and texting the next day after the break up mostly still Arguing which turned to when I was going to drive to see her then got back together. I asked back then if anyone hit her up, she said a guy she worked for texted her telling her he was divorced from his wife she told him she and I broke up. She told me that was it. Fast forward to January 2018, I'm on her computer looking for a certain pic of us and find a sexually explicit video sent by this guy. In the same file was similar videos of her... obviously sent to him. Called her out she lied saying he or she didn't send anything which then went to He sent video then She did but she didn't remember what she sent etc... She said this happened over a TWO day period during the "break up" Which wasn't really a break up.. I'm petty messed up over all this as doesn't go down that way theses days does it? I asked if they slept together she said no and had stuck to that for two months... Not sure i believe that at all... He is a total freak as she is too, so I'm not convinced. I feel she is still lying so Im about to break it off... Any thoughts? Opinions. Oh and then she tells me just the other day that the videos that were sent were some of the ones shade and sent to me... . She said she did not make them specifically for him.. What do you think I should do? She also was sexting him for that time as well, I told her I saw conversation, she said it was non stop for the two days...advice?
Ask the community | trust, cheating, long distance
“My partner refused to block his stalking ex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm in a relationship with this amazing guy for two years now. Back when we first started dating he told a brief story about a school friend he ended up having an affair with a few years ago. Now two years later this woman sends me a friends request on fb. At this point i dont realise she is the person he told me about. He says its his school friend, and that she sent him a message saying how much she enjoys creeping his love story with me and all my photographs of us (im a photographer), and would i do maternity pics for her daughter. At which point my gut feeling starts stirring. Keep in mind, he only mentions that after asked who is this woman sending me friends request. He gets defensive and says she is just a school friend admiring my photography. I accept her request and forgot about it for a week. Yesterday i get a message from her wondering if i would do the photos. And btw she yet again mentions how she enjoys creeping (her choice of words) our profiles. And she is a school friend. At this point my gut is screaming blue murder inside of me! Im trying to not react without having my ducks in the row. After looking at her profile i relise she is in fact the woman my partner had a brief affair with. However at this point both of them identified themselfes to me only as school friends. In the evening after work i ask my partner if the woman in question is who i think she is. He is surprised i remember and admits that she is. And it also transpires that he already responded to her on my behalf stating that i would love to do the photos for her expecting daughter and that i have a home studio and we also travel to town where she resides from time to time, basically offering my services to his ex without me even knowing. Correct me if i am wrong, but i see such situation highly inappropriate, especially given the fact neighter of them were in a hurry to tell me they were more than friends. I took this really hard. I felt very insulted and disrespected and i lost my cool... I was sooo mad to find out that my man would invite someone he slept with into my home, hiding the fact they had a thing. I responded to her telling her that i am aware they are more than friends and told her to go creep somebody else. Her only response was "oh....." Clearly my partner did not expect me to remember the story he told me two years ago. I told him how hurt it made me feel and asked him to tell her to stop creeping us and leave us the hell alone. He didnt do it. The conflict carried on into today as i was getting more and more upset about his refusal to respond to her and remove her from his social media. He said he doesnt want another conflict. But ots ok to have a conflict with me? I told him if he wants to fix this situation he needs to respond to her and block her to stop the creeping. I dont need him openly inviting his sex buddy into my house, even if just for business.... I left for a couple of hours in hopes he would do it. No such dice. I could not believe the resistance. We had a fight, he unfriended her just to shut me up and refused to message her or block her. Im still very hurt because he chose to avoid a conflict with her, over my peace of mind. I would probably have not gotten this upset, but he had a history of befriending and following lots of women in the beginning of our relationship. It stopped after i asked him to stop. But i am blown away by his resistance to do anything in this situation. Thoughts? Tia
Ask the community | trust, cheating, emotional affair
“My wife had an affair”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Six months or so ago I stumbled upon emails between my wife and her therapist. I didn't know she had been to a therapist however I felt relieved she was seeking help as she wasn't happy. Our marriage was becoming stale and we were not really connecting as a couple and hadn't for a couple of years. I blame myself for a lot of this as I was working very hard and long hours to establish a new business and didn't give my wife the help and attention she deserved with the kids and around the home. I suggested we went to some sort of relationship councelling but at the time she didn't want to so I was surprised but pleased she was coming round to the idea of therapy. As I read the emails, they became more intimate and quite clearly revealed that they were having some kind of an affair. I confronted her about them and she went into a rant about how I had driven her to seek the attention she wasn't getting at home. I couldn't really argue that point but was still shell shocked by this discovery. The last six months have been hard but I have been around for her and the kids. I arranged date nights and on a few occasions we've taken the kids to stay over at friends house and gone out for meals and stayed over in fancy hotels. We are at a point now where I am still trying to make up for the past but I feel she isn't as committed. We have no intimacy and sex seems to be off the agenda. I love her very much and she says she loves me too but last week I discovered that she is still friends on Facebook with the therapist and I feel upset and find trust slipping away again. She says that they don't communicate anymore but I'm not convinced. Since I discovered the affair it seems like she actively avoids any intimacy. She goes off to bed early as she says she's tired and won't let me even put my arm around her when I go to bed. When I try to be intimate with her she makes excuses and she gets up really early. I have suggested relationship councelling again but she doesn't want to. I really want to get things back to where we once we're. A loving intimate couple who spend time enjoying each others company. I feel so alone and the only connection we make is a kiss when either of us leave the house or when we say goodnight. Am I doing something wrong? Am I being selfish or expecting too much? I've rambled on quite enough and apologize for digressing from the title somewhat. I'd love to hear any suggestions or advice as I'm out of energy and ideas.
Ask the community | trust, cheating
“I'm pregnant and he ignores me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm pregnant, just found out. All this time it was his verbal abuse that made me get pregnant. He kept saying to me that I'm 30 – which I'm not, I just turned 27 – and when was I planning to have a child? It got to my head and now I'm pregnant and he doesn't want to acknowledge the pregnancy. I have so many issues with him but these days it's mainly because he goes to work comes home and then goes into his room where he plays video games and drinks beer until he is ready to come to bed and then sleep. So he doesn't really speak to me. I ask him to hang out and let's talk but he never wants to. He's also a huge ignoramus. Every time i try to talk about our problems and get him to understand my feelings he runs away literally out the room or he just doesn't wanna hear it. One minute he says kid just tie you down, u won't be able to do anything with life... and I've seen a change in him yesterday because he went to his cousins baby shower. I guess that made him a bit heartfelt since he is now telling me he wants me to keep our baby and he will spend more time with me and I shouldn't do anything stupid because I told him I have an abortion booked. I just feel like he will change as soon as a hit 3 months because it's hard to go ahead with abortion once you are second trimester. My family is also not supportive of us. My mom hates him and says it won't be her grandchild because she hates the father. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship. She says she wants nothing to do with me if I go ahead with the pregnancy and the only way I can go back home is if I abort it. That breaks my heart because it's still a life end of the day. Also I have felt extreme guilt in the past from 2 abortions I did for him... He was always misbehaving and drinking and not taking me or the pregnancy seriously much like now. I don't know why I thought he would change i am so stupid for falling for this again.
Ask the community | pregnancy, verbal abuse, big changes
“My wife and her stepson”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife of 5 years “hates” my son. Hate probably isn't the accurate description, but she is extremely upset by him. She insists he hates her and the reason their relationship is so bad is because he secretly despises her and wishes she wasn't with me. None of that is true. Accept after years of torment and emotional abuse, he now understandably wishes she wasn't around. I am certain thats because she is pretty much awful to him always. By awful, I mean she doesn't like to see him. She is constantly upset if she sees him on his phone, or watching TV. This is regardless of how long he has been doing either. She unilaterally controls his bedtime, tv, and phone. She won't touch his laundry, and gets angry if he leaves it in the washer or dryer. I don't really have a say in parental discipline. I did get his bedtime moved from 9 to 9:30 which I think is too early for a 15 year old. If he stays up past bedtime even for a few minutes she gets angry and just directs him to "Go to Bed!" Often times she'll send him to bed early because she say's it takes too long for him to get into bed. My son does not protest anything, he internalizes a lot of things when he doesn't think something is fair, that does come out in his body language, which drives my wife crazy. We have three children together. My son is 10 years older than our oldest. I have full, sole, custody of him. His bio mom has abandoned him. My wife wasn't expecting to have him with his since the very beginning of our marriage. I was very nieve and thought because my son was awesome, she wouldn't have a problem with him. He is a very good kid. Of course I'm biased, but he gets decent grades, he is never sick, his teachers give him high praises for his demeanor in class, his coaches go out of their way to tell me how great he is to have on the team. He's always just wanted to be good, being in trouble devestates him. My wife treats close family with contempt. That includes me, my son, her mother, brother, and sister. She gets upset if I don't do things exactly how she wants. She often changes her mind about how she wants things, yet she'll be equally mad if you don't do it her way. While being upset with my son for being on his phone, she's constantly on her phone all day off and on. Chatting with her family, friends etc. Its really sad that I let this go on for so long. I just couldn't understand how she could feel that way about my son. But I'm starting to realize how impossible it would be for a young woman to go from being single to married with a 10 year old. I don't know why but I didn't see how difficult that was at the time. If we had it to do over again, we both agree we should have ended the marriage immediately. I'm at the point now where I am looking at divorce, but I really want to know if there are any cases where something like this was so severe but turned around with therapy, counseling, personal developement, and support. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, and she agreed she needed to go to counseling. She admits that she doesn't know why she gets so angry when she sees something like his plate left in the sink. She knows she wouldn't be like that with our children. But she says it's like a "extremely heavy bag is put on her" and she gets very angry. I have pretty severe depression that I am currently being treated by both medicine and therapy. (Looking into finding a new therapist) I've always had depression, but I do know that she is a major trigger to my depression. When she is angry with my son which is everyday, and when she's angry with me, which sporadic good week bad week kind of thing. I try very hard not to show my son that she is completly in the wrong. But its very difficult and sometimes I have to because he'll be in tears because she just hurt him. She responds with his tears with more anger and saying he's making it up. I'm not unbiased, but I would say its dillusional. I also want to point out, as this is a very one sided comment, I am not exactly the best husband and father. I don't have a high paying stable job, I own my own business. I am occupied by that business nearly all the time. I am always available but I don't volunteer my availability because I have an endless amount of work to do with my business.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Wrong name In bed... multiple times”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife called me by the wrong name during lovemaking. Not sure what to do now. Your thoughts? I'm a forgiving person.  I thought, maybe she was having a one-time fantasy. Hurtful, but after so many years of marriage, kids, trials and tribulations, and our history together, it's a forgivable moment. I got over it in a matter of days. Pretty quick, considering. Nothing has meaning until we give it meaning.  Right?  I chose not to over-think it. Let it go.   A week later, when she called me the wrong name during sex again, I was flabbergasted. Years later, in personal counseling, I told my therapist, "Well, it's not a pattern until it happens three times."  He responded, "In psychology, two is a pattern." That wouldn't matter anyway. After the second time, I was in utter shock.  Yes, one might think I should have immediately confronted her, lashed out, demanded answers. Truth be told, I was dumbstruck.   As I processed the first event, I thought empathetically, she must be highly embarrassed and ashamed anyway. Why rake her over the coals? Assuming that, I felt a sense of justice that she too, must be feeling very badly. As for me, I was even more stunned than the first time. The first time, I reasoned, must have been some utterance, driven, uncontrolled, from the primitive part of her brain. What the hell?!  How could this occur a second time?  Wasn't she so ashamed and embarrassed that she would avoid doing this again?  I didn't know what to make of it.   This time, still stupidly naive, I thought, there's no way she would do this again, but if she did, I will confront her on the spot.  I will confront her loudly and emotionally.  I will confront her the way she and I both deserve.  I will.  Or, I won't.     I thought I was ready.   Another week later, when she called me the wrong name during sex for the third time, I wasn't surprised.  I thought I'd be angry and confrontative, but I was saddened, disappointed, and just plain hurt.  Too deflated to confront her, I pretended to hear nothing and thus, said nothing.  We finished.  I rolled off, stared at the wall, and fell asleep hours later.  I wasn't having audible hallucinations.  This really was happening.  She didn't lose voice control in some sex-induced trance. If she would just stop, this would go away.   About ten days later, guess what.  She called me the wrong name during lovemaking for a fourth time.  I went off.  My penis still in her, I reached over, turned on the light and confronted her, "What the hell?!  Who the hell are you talking to?!"  I pulled out and finally, finally confronted her.  It was a brief confrontation and verbally combative, albeit in one direction.  I finished by suggesting she get some counseling.  Within a few short minutes, I could hear the rhythmic purr of her sleeping breath while I laid awake for the next several hours.  And, what the fuck is up with that?! Apparently not something she needed to lose sleep over. It would take years of denial, adherence to my values, more denial, self-doubt, depression, counseling, and suicidal thoughts to finally, finally come to grips.   The obvious conclusion would be, she was cheating on me.  At first blush, it may appear she was.  However, I believe there was actually something even more disturbing going on here.  She was doing something worse.  What could be worse?  I will get to that.   With a kindergartner and a second grader asleep upstairs, I was in no hurry to upset the apple cart.  That is, I did not want to rush to a conclusion where we separate.  By separating, I could only see myself in some apartment, alone.  I would deny myself the daily influence I deserved to have on my daughters.  No way.  I remember having thoughts of divorce, but again, I couldn't bear being parted from my kids. After the fourth wrong-name event and subsequent confrontation, we buried it. We didn't discuss it, mention it, or regard it for years.  I didn't know it at the time, but I continued to revert to my training which was fine by her.  That means silence.  She would not have to explain it or own it.  I would not have to confront it further.  Let's pretend it didn't happen.   But this episode in our lives together served as a catalyst for me to examine our relationship.  I had some qualms about our relationship, but overall, we were quite successful.  For the first time, however, I really started paying attention.    Maybe most people would have just walked out over this and maybe they would be right to do so.  I'm not most people.  I am who I am, a product of my experiences, especially that pivotal moment when I established my highest personal value, an integrated family. This was a huge wake-up call though.  I started paying attention to the nuances in our marriage.  There was certainly a history of slights by her, but they were spaced out enough that I always looked at them as one-off events.  Not wanting to upset the family balance, I always overlooked them.  Of course, this just served as my unwitting permission for her to continue. So, here I was, fifteen years in to the marriage and deciding to start paying attention. Bad on me for not paying attention before. However, I didn't think the one I was married to was the one I needed to protect myself from.  Probably, the most loyal love I've ever received was from my parents.  Thus, with them, I could be totally unguarded, at ease, vulnerable.  I held my wife in that same esteem, but it was becoming apparent this was a mistake.   Take away the physical advantage men have over women and they become equal.  It becomes a matter of wits.  I didn't realize at first, but there was a competition going on in my house.  There was one person who wanted to be on top and be recognized by all as in-charge.  It wasn't me.  As the kids entered school, we started making new friends.  The running joke in those years was, I would hear about my own upcoming social engagements from my kids' friends' moms.  "Oh, see you Friday night for dinner."  What?  A minor display of unilateralism, but repeated over time, it demonstrated who had the power.  It also demonstrated a lack of respect.  Not only would she make commitments, she made it clear I wasn't involved.   Then there was her unilateralism with me present.  We might receive a social invitation together and she would accept or deny without any consultation with me, without even looking at me.  I know this certainly made an impression on people because the disparaging comments found their way back to me.  She was in charge and seen that way, but at my expense. Then there were the cocktail parties where she would dump me like wet lettuce and go work the room, solo.  Sure, I can socialize, but it's not like I didn't spend time standing alone.  She preferred to rub elbows with those she perceived as wealthy.  I get it.  I would be there at the end of the night anyway.  Why team up with me?   To her credit, when we entertained, she was amazing.  She would make the guest list, do the inviting, and the planning. She was like a one-man-band in the kitchen and received the accolades she deserved.  Oh, I tried to participate, but always heard, "I got it."  I seemed relegated to just go get some more ice.  That's all fine, I guess, but she would consistently accept help and participation from guests.  This happened frequently enough that I received smart-ass comments about this, too.  "Don't you do anything here?"  I believed that's just how she wanted it.  Effective and seen that way, but at my expense.   It should be no surprise that through these and similar experiences, I came to feel disregarded, disrespected, and taken for granted.  These were not isolated events.  They accumulated to become a condition.    There was more.  She had longing eyes.  Actually, I was okay with that even if she was a little obvious.  There are attractive people out there.  They're noticeable.  I see them, too.  But there was one fellow in particular that seemed particularly interesting to her. We would see him only occasionally, but when we did, they got along exceptionally well. In fact, this goes back to before we were married.  It did make me feel a bit insecure. On one social occasion, she blatantly dumped me to go hang out with him. Really, I think the situation produced two things for her; validation from another male and an avenue to try to make me jealous.  It worked at first, but then it just became insulting.     Years later, in couple's counseling, I accused her of maintaining a longterm flirtatious relationship with this particular guy.  She denied it at first, but then admitted it was true.  The hardest part about it wasn't it's existence, it was that she played it out right in front of me, in my face.  Two friends asked me separately if I saw what they saw.  It was then I realized this wasn't insecurity driving my imagination.   There were no verbal put-downs, no arguments, nothing exciting over the years.  On the outside, we appeared solid.  We ran a very successful household.  What confused me was, I was enjoying a great lifestyle largely due to her professional success. In many ways, she showed a lot of care for me.   However, the negatives just kept accumulating.   Aside from the above, there was a withdrawal of affection on her part.  For a time, the only affection given was in response to mine.  When it did come my way, I got peck-type kisses.  Two pencil tips could share more surface area.  Hugs were air-hugs, like when people hug others out of politeness.  Head games came to bed, too, more than the wrong name issue.  I can only describe her negative behavior toward me as like death by a thousand cuts.  What was confusing was hearing "I love you" between the cuts.   I tried to limit my thoughts on her behavior to the time since she called me the wrong name in bed.  That proved to be very difficult.  I couldn't help but see a pattern than spanned our entire marriage.   Ultimately,  I realized the pattern preceded our marriage and the roots were laid in our dating years, in our foundation.  Yes, I understand my own participation here.  By allowing her disregard, disrespect, unilateralism, and more served as my permission for her to continue the behavior. My parents' modeled an excellent marriage.  My parents in-law apparently also had an excellent marriage.  I sought to copy that.  However, when our dads dated our moms, I doubt they ever had to deal with things like this:  Having their girlfriend display a picture of an old boyfriend on their bedroom wall for two years while they dated.  I bet they never had the experience of picking up them from a guy's apartment on a Saturday morning to hear, "We're just friends."  I bet they never found man's length black hair on their girlfriend's pillow, multiple times.  I bet our dads never had to see a picture of our moms in bed with a guy, then another one with a different guy.   There's more.  I cannot emphasize enough how much I take responsibility for my own situation.  I accepted her behavior and therefore gave permission until I withdrew it.  I was the Yang to her Yin.  My fault was not having the awareness and self-esteem to stand up or walk out.  I remember having questions before marriage, but thinking, "I think this is the best I can do."  I said I would circle back to the episode of her calling me the wrong name during sex. Further, I said I would offer a reason for her behavior that didn't include cheating.     Regarding being called the wrong name during sex, I believe it was an attempt to make me feel wholly insecure.  I call it worse than cheating because cheating is usually an act of self-gratification, not necessarily meant to harm someone else.  If she did it to make me feel insecure, that makes it a truly offensive act meant to undermine me and cause me harm.   In her error, she counted on me staying silent like I had with her other slights. Even with the wrong-name episode, it went four times in short order. When was that going to stop? I've read a lot about forgiveness and learned there are acts where forgiveness is not appropriate.  In brief, deliberately harmful behavior often belongs in the non-forgivable category. In personal and marriage counseling, I have been cautioned about tying meaning, if any, to events.  Being called the wrong name during sex on four different occasions certainly rises to the level of being meaningful.  I asked my wife in counseling what the meaning of this was.  Over and over she said, "I don't know, but I'm sorry."  That answer is not working for me.  Her back up answer was, "stress".  Also, not working for me.   My explanation is very plausible, especially considering she has conducted other behavior intent on causing me jealousy and insecurity.  It makes sense.   In counseling, I have been guided through a technique called 'reframing'.  That is, the ability to find alternate explanations for events.  It's a good thing, but not a panacea.  I'm not going to lie to myself and call it reframing.  Sometimes things are as they appear.   After years of personal and couple's counseling, I feel dead-ended.  One counselor asked a brilliant, pointed question of me, "What do you want from her?" I had to sleep on the question.  I wanted an authentic explanation of why she took up this behavior toward me.  Particularly, I wanted and explanation of why she called me the wrong name in bed.  The answer remained, "I don't know, but I'm sorry."   I believe she strived to maintain two conditions in our marriage. The first condition is that she be in the power position and is perceived by outsiders as such.  The second condition is she attempts to make me feel insecure as a way to perpetuate her power position. Build herself up by pushing me down. In public, she might have her hand on my shoulder.  Behind the scenes, it's different. The marital experience feels like I have to alternate being on my toes or on my heels.   I am quite able to forgive.  I'd prefer to forgive and continue having a great family.  On the other hand, if she truly doesn't understand her own behavior, why shouldn't she repeat it at some point in the future.  That makes forgiveness now foolish.  One advisor offered, "Maybe that's just who she is." I know and that's what scares me.   It’s not what she does. It’s who she is.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Am I a mug??”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need a lot of advice at the moment this might get a bit long-winded. ok so me and my gf have been together now over two years kinda… so she just recently took a job on in a kitchen as a chef and the first two weeks she hated it she then met this boy and everything changed she started wearing makeup to work everyday! she also seemed to just love being at work and it seemed like she would stay longer than she needed to on purpose, at this point in our relationship we were kinda drifting apart we were living in a little room together and it just seemed to start getting boring, we then broke up she had enough and she left me. Two weeks later she started seeing this boy from work they went on 2 little dates to a pub and then they went on a proper date a week later she then stayed over his that night and they had sex. he then moved back to where he actually lives 2 days later and then told her he wasnt actually looking for a relationship he then didnt contact her for a while, at this time she had blocked me on facebook i think she done this to move on with him however when that didnt happen a few weeks later she unblocked me, maybe a month and a half had passed by now and we started talking again we started hanging out and going on walks together she always seemed not to sure if she wanted to go on a walk but she always did (most of the time) her and this boy now haven’t spoken for a month! We started to sleep together again now only a hand full of times mainly saturday nights neither of us drink so no alcohol was involved, after a few weeks of this we decided to get back together and give it another shot, however the whole time we were doing all this she was still loooking him up on facebook everyday 3-5 times a day normally and clearly still had feelings for him. ok so we have now been back together for maybe 2 weeks and then the night before v day she broke up with me however i feel the causing of that was he messaged her and i feel it stirred loads of feelings up again So she left me maybe 3 days later we got back together again but he started messaging her again a week or so ago and he asked her for money!!! she said yes to this and transferred the money to him hes expected to pay it back at the end of this month, however after this contact again they now occasionally talk on facebook and they also have phonecalls mainly talking about work etc but im not to sure what happens on the phone calls i hope nothing bad, however she is still looking him up on fb everyday whenever she gets a chance she does seem to be trying in our relationship now but i just feel like crap constantly worrying she will leave me for him again The problem is he lives on the otherside of the country and i feel thats whats stopping her i know he doesnt have the same feelings for her and i think she knows that aswell but it just hurts so much to know she cares so much about a guy who basically fuck and ducked her and is now using her for money and she still seems to let him do it he was in her life for maybe a month and i just feel like he means more to her than i do and i just really dont know what to do i love this girl so much she has helped me through so much and i just dont ever see myself without her i dont want to see that! I just need some opinions on the situation anything will help but guys please just be reasonable with me im very delicate at the moment haha thanks
Ask the community | communication, cheating
“Am I being used? Please help”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Can anyone shed advice If im being used / taken advantage of… I met this girl at my job, she’s a single mom with two small kids who was in the store shopping one day and just flat out gave me her number when I asked if she needed help out to her car with her items. She has two small kids, fled an abusive and violent husband from out of state and is currently living with old family friends, and… is a recovering heroin addict. Now the people she lives with always have her running errons and doing things for them non stop, shes a busy lady, and being a single mom with two kids I get she has little time. But it seems the only real time we get is when she comes into the store and goes on a shopping spree for clothes and stuff. I know its my fault for buying the stuff, but it seems to make her so happy cause of the horrible past she has, and she has said that no other guy before has ever been this nice to her, they would sit on the sofa and tell her to do things her self, wouldn’t help her out with nothing, abused her, the whole nine yards, so she enjoys when I treat her in my words “like a queen” But that seems to be the problem.. that’s all we ever do…. She calls me a lot on the phone just to talk…. But getting togeather like a boyfriend and girlfriend should… shes always too busy with the kids, running the familys chores and she cant tell anyone about me because this family will question her to death and she doesn’t feel like dealing with it or the chance they would kick her out. They always think she will relapse and monitor her like a hawk… open her mail, give her random drug tests, just in my mind treat her like a slave and abuse the shit out of her, but due to her small kids and past with bad guys, she s afraid to take me up on my offer to move in with me…. But to the point…. Every time we see each other its at my job and usually racks me up about 40-80 $ worth of clothes. I get told by friends all the time “hey bro she’s using you” and “she s only with you for your money” I have those feelings sometimes too, and have brought it up, and she gets upset and says its not true but if u think it is then break up with me or ill be with you but don’t ever spend another nickle on me, and I feel bad, and it seems to just go back to the way things were. She calls me like 10 times a days and we talk about everything. We say I love you to each other and talk about a future… she says shes going threw medical issues that she wants to keep to herself for now so when I bring up sex its usually shot right down, but she does kiss me a lot…. The sex stuff I can believe, im not gonna force the issue, its just…. I wanted to get some ones opinion on the matter that’s involved…. I love this girl to death and I no being a single mom with 2 kids would give her like zero time and im greatful for the time i do get, but if she was really in love with me like i was her, wouldnt she be able to free up time for a movie or time to just sit with me and talk. its always at my work when im working and i dont no.........
Ask the community | cheating, marriage
“Am I over reacting?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain the whole situation. I have been in a relationship with a Latina lady for a little over a year and I am a white male. Her English to me is pretty good we can communicate well but she is a little unsure of herself and her English. We decided to move in with each other at the beginning of December and things were going very well. At the beginning of February we had a small Superbowl party. She had invited her adult son which is 23 which I get along with great. He had also invited over some other friend which is normal they all come over all the time which I have no problem with. This night there was another friend that showed up that I had never seen before. This guy was a little older approximately 30 or 35 and my girlfriend is in her early 40's but she looks much younger. As the night goes on I notice that he continues to follow her into other rooms where it is him and her alone. And at one point she followed him outside. This made me very uneasy and she could feel the tension. So she calls this guy over to tell him about me. However when them two talked they talked in Spanish. The guy would occasionally tell me things that she was saying which was good things about me. While this made me feel better I still was not sure. I was also frustrated that if there are three people in a conversation and only one language we all three knew why they continued to speak in Spanish. At the end of the night when we was alone. I tried to explain that I felt it was disrespectful to continue to be in the other room with another man. I also tried to explain that it would have helped when including me into the conversation if they would have spoke in English. Her response was he was a long time friend and he was more like a son to her, he felt comfortable in their house and that is why he would go in the other room with her. She also explained that she was embarrassed to speak English in front of him in fear that he would make fun of her. Which I understand but at the same time the guys English was not perfect. The next morning the fight continued and she ask me to leave. I left and went and stayed at a motel down the road for the night. The next day we ended up talking and working things out. She reassured me that that guy was a friend of the families and she would tell him not to come back if I wanted. I said no but she needed to put herself in my shoes and think if she would like it if I did the same with a girl. A couple weeks go by and she tells me this guy is in jail because he is in the country illegally and it would not be a problem anymore. About another week goes by and I come home and there is a strange dog in the back yard. I text her and she is surprised and does not know where it came from. When she got home she tells me her daughter had brought it over and she thought it was the guys dog that was in jail. I ask her how she knew and she said she had seen pictures of the dog before. I ask her if her daughter ask to bring the dog by and she said yes. But in the text she acted surprised. A few more days go by and she says something about the guy having another dog that was bigger and that he had brought the dogs over one time. But a few days earlier she had stated she had only seen the dogs in a picture. She said her memory was not that good. A few more days goes by and she says her daughter had received a phone call from the man in jail and her daughter wanted her to go to the jail to visit him. I told her she could do whatever she wanted to but I was not sure why she would go see the man in jail. Then I started to get curious so I looked at the phone bill to see if this guy had contacted her from jail. I noticed that the night that I was gone she had tried calling her ex-boyfriend two times. It only showed up as 1 min so she may have only got his voice mail I'm not sure. So that night I ask her if her ex-boyfriend had tried to contact her and she said no. I then ask her if she had tried to contact him at all. I also ask that she be completely honest with me. Again her answer was no and then started questioning about being on my phone all the time. Which I am on the phone form 6:00 am until 10:00 pm for work and work only. She really seems like a good girl she does not go out or anything. We stay at home a lot and work together to make our home better. But the question is am I being paranoid? Was it right for me to check the phone bill? And are these small lies hiding something bigger?
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Almost divorced... and affair continues”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been married 15 years. After our first and only child, our relationship really changed. The former intimacy and caring for each other eventually turned to fighting, resentment, and just not talking. There are a lot of reasons about our troubles that I won't go into here, but after years of unhappiness in my marriage and seeing no way out, and a lot of time thinking about it and planning for it, I confronted my husband with a divorce. All the signs were clear that our relationship was in distress, with me stating my unhappiness and that I couldn't do it anymore. But it was not clear to my husband that I was unhappy enough for divorce, and he just did not see it coming. He wants to work it out, and I struggled with doing that because mentally I was (still am) checked out and ready to move on. But I felt guilty on the impact on him and my child, and thought I should at least give him a chance so decided to stay. Since then, he's really trying and made some dramatic changes. And this is good, especially for his own life. But in the meantime, I've been having an affair. (And did not disclose it when my spouse asked if there was someone else.) In desperate and unhappy times, through a series of events I had met someone a year ago, and we've been seeing each other regularly. He's also married with kids, and we've developed feelings for each other. I feel like I found someone really special. I know there is lust and attraction, but what I feel is true companionship, shared interests, and caring for each other. I developed feelings for him and him for me. We both think we have a chance of true compatibility compared to our current situations. When I told him about my divorce looming, he made it clear that he's not ready for divorce, though one day he might be (until the kids leave, because of financial reasons, etc.). And though this hurts and maybe he won't ever leave, I just can't - and don't want to - give up our relationship. This is despite being at a turning point in my marriage where I'm supposed to be committed to working things out. But I can't imagine not having the other guy not in my life, even if it stays an affair. Maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking one day we'd leave our spouses and be together. And maybe this is really selfish and destructive. The thing is, I don't want to end it. I feel like I'm now stuck. If I stay married, I feel guilty for my husband being 100% committed while I'm not, and this affects my putting effort into working on things. And if I divorce, what if I want more from the other guy and he can't give it to me, because he's not ready to leave? Or what if it's great because it frees me up to see him more? I also think if I divorce or separate, and worse case my guy doesn't work out (though I really want it to), what if I find someone who I'm happy with and is more compatible? I'm trying to wade through this with all the other downsides of divorce on my child, financially, etc. I'm not looking to be shamed here for the right or wrong of having an affair and continuing it on the brink of divorce. I'm just trying to find my own happiness. But I posted this, so obviously I'm struggling and interested in hearing perspectives and other stories.
Ask the community | cheating
“Did my fiancé cheat on me?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello, We are in early 50s and together for 5 years, living together for 4 years and 2 months ago he proposed, I accepted. A month before he proposed I accidentally saw e-mails to him from a women and I am struggling to understand what it means: The e-mails from her of a year and a half ago is saying: "I would love to meet with you privately" He replies: "I'd love to". Then they exchange e-mails setting a meeting at a restaurant for April 13. On April 13 he wasn't home late after work, I texted him: "Where are you?" He never replied. Then there was an e-mail from her on April 13: "You kiss like a God and I love hanging out with you. Can we do that again soon please. I adore you. xoxoxoxo" He replays immediately: "Loved it. Loved seeing you. Any time. Signed: Transmitted by blueberry pancake" We had difficult times that year, we had less sex (he told me he didn't feel aroused) and it felt like he was just serving his duty though, he kept saying he loved me. I suspected he was cheating but didn't see any evidence. And he is always very secretive - I am not allowed on his computer or see who texted him. He hides the phone screen if I am next to him. He explains that he has very large personal boundaries and that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. So I confronted him about the e-mails, he denied first then he admitted he dated her 20 years ago but didn't see her for years now and she e-mailed him first to get in touch and he went to a restaurant with her just "to catch up with an old friend". He says he didn't plan anything and nothing happened, only a kiss after the restaurant and he didn't do anything wrong. But there is another e-mail from her 3 months later: "Lets go to a spa resort for three days where we can indulge ourselves in paradise". He replied: "If I was alone or in a different relationship I would love to but I can't". All the e-mails after that are deleted. I made him to show me his contact list and he has her two phone numbers and all her info (she is married). Of course they communicated by phone, not only those e-mails. A month after I found out about this, he proposed. I am trying to believe him that he saw her only once, at that restaurant. But the e-mail says different. I have troubles to trust him now. I feel pain and distrust every time he goes anywhere, even to his office (he wrote to her in his e-mails where his office is and that Wednesdays are better for him to meet). It is all so painful but I love him very much. I decided to think this affair was in the past and he is faithful now but how can I know? And even in the past - how to get over it? Could it be true that those e-mails mean nothing and I should trust him because he asked me to marry him even though he always said before he didn't want to get married?
Ask the community | cheating, trust
“Will I ever believe him again”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Been married 22 years, together 26. Husband as had his prostrate taken out a year ago due to cancer. He looked at porn years ago when our children were all young. It really hurt me because I am sure i always gave him sex and i was still affectionate towards him and wondered why he didnt want me. I came down and saw him in the kitchen with his zip down. He said he was reading a story, what a liar. He said he would never do it again but I found more porn on his lap top and even videos in his car of it. It shocked me because it showed he didn’t care about my feelings and how it made me feel. Now all these years later he as done it again. I asked to check his laptop to check his bank account because he had took a loan out behind my back. Told me it was for £100 then admitted it was £300. This hurt and shocked me because he done it without telling me and he had done it last year as well. Said it was to pay bills. This i will never know if its the truth or a lie. So I was looking through the bank account and I just thought I would have a nose through his recycle bin. That's when i came across the porn which was of 2 women. He said it was just a lapse and he wouldn't do it again. He said this years ago. Told him he's addicted said he's not and he doesn't know why he did it. It hurt me because he said he looked twice at it when i was out.. so not once thought to himself right i shouldn't do this I said I would never do it again but he done it the second time. Now i compare myself to these women and think he wants them and not me, also maybe he would like two women to go with. This has all knocked me and the trust as completely gone. Now I wonder if he is still looking at it when he takes his laptop with him every day. I don't want to be checking it and always thinking is he looking at it but I think that's how it will be. This is not a way to live. I have said the next thing he might do is go and find the real thing. He said he only wants me and he couldn't get it up anyway without a pump device. I said he could still do oral and that he can still climax by masturbating. What do I do, and how do you carry on with someone if the trust has gone and they say you can build it up only for them to knock it down again?
Ask the community | trust
“A complicated marriage”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is all new to me. I have never been on any kind of forum or even asked for help/advice of any kind outside my small circle. I'm at my wits end and maybe I just need to know if I'm wrong or if it is normal for me to feel the way I do.... I am so confused! I have been married for 22 years (been together for 25 years) and we have 3 children of which two are still school going. Gosh, I dont even know how to put into words what the situation is. Of course it all started fine and life was going good until about 10 years ago. The last 10 years or so have been an emotional rollercoaster ride of note. My husband is a very dominant person and does and says things as it pleases him with no regard to anyone’s feelings. He always knows better and is never wrong. He does not take responsibility for his actions and everything is always something or someone's fault but his own. Every time I bring up something that bothers me it either ends in a silent treatment and a very strained atmosphere or the situation is turned around and it is my fault. What he says and what he does are two totally different things. He flirts and sex chats with other woman and has no time for the kids or me. He is constantly busy on his phone or PC. When I confront him on that, he always has some lame excuse or its my fault because I don't do this or that. One eg that comes to mind is I found out he bought a vibrator for another woman. When I confronted him on that, his answer was: "it wasnt an expensive one".. Seriously?? Is the cost relevant to the fact that he bought another woman a vibrator? In my mind, nothing he says can justify his actions! Six months ago we decided that we are going to separate/divorce but due to our financial situation we could not afford two households expenses. I moved out the main bedroom into the spare room. New year and our anniversary came and he told me that he didn't want to devorce me anymore. So once again we tried talking things out and he wanted to know what I needed from him to make my life easier and he wouldnt expect anything back from me. I told him that I needed his attention and that I have to be the only woman in his life and that I was not prepared to share him with other woman. Is this supposed to be a request if you choose a life partner to spend the rest of your live with? Am I asking to much? Isnt it supposed to be only me? So he has been trying really hard to give me attention and not texting when I'm with him, telling me he loves me and helping me more around the house with things and spending time with the kids, generally being a nice guy. I have to admit I do like the change in him, however he has not given up on his flirting and sex chats. Then he tells me that he doesn’t understand why I dont trust him? Over the years he has lied to me so many times that how and I supposed to trust him? He says I'm insecure and it is not his job to fix my insecurities. He is the cause of my trust issues and insecurities. What gets me the most is the flirting and sex chatting with this one girl who is as old as our daughter. I cant get past this. Its just as good as him talking to his own daughter like that. To me that is unacceptable! I’m in a catch 22 situation and I dont know what to do anymore. I can’t devorce him and leave as I have no where to go and I have no income to support myself. My whole family lives on another continant and he will not allow me to take the kids overseas, so I'm forced to stay until our youngest is 18, which is another 4 years. Am I just supposed to accept that this is who he is and he will never change and he can continue living a double life without any consequinces or any regards to my feelings? Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting to much from him? I just don’t know anymore.....
Ask the community | cheating, marriage
“Affair with best friend at work”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Do I have issues with trust?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with this lady since 2013 and we decided to get married in 2017. l work away so spend lots of time working. I recently found out that when l am away my partner has been seeing a guy she works with. They have been meeting since September 2016. They meet after work, have lunch, dinner, go to the movies etc and she swears that it is platonic. He buys her chocs, flowers, sends her poetry, send messages saying how much he enjoys her company. Recently he has been coming to the flat to pick her up which l obviously do not like. She flies into a rage if l raise the matter saying she has done nothing wrong. Calls me old fashioned and says that lots of women have male friends. Am l wrong to take this attitude? I also recently found out that she is still texting, maybe even sexting another guy who she went out with before she met me.. She sends him photos which l took, but does not mention me. Yet another guy in a different country thinks that he is in a relationship with her. She laughs and says that they have been friends for years, but l found out a few days ago that he does not know about me.. They have some sort of financial business going on which she denies, but l have proof. When we are together she tells him that she is with her uncle... Am l just a fool to take this? I want to leave, but love her, but l also feel that l cannot trust her. It is making me crazy.
Ask the community | trust
“My GF entertains her ex-boyfriend”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So I'm looking for opinions and advise on how I should approach this topic and if I'm right or wrong. Stuff between us started to go sideways on jan 01 2018. When we were having sex, I saw that her ex boyfriend was calling her. She fell asleep and I decided to go look through her and his messages. Now her ex didn't know for a while that she had a new boyfriend. But also there was also little contact behind the two of them. One day she told me that he messaged her on Facebook after she blocked his phone number. She had told him that she had a boyfriend but they still continued to have a conversation. She did tell me that they messaged on Facebook and she told him that she's dating someone new. but she didn't tell me what else they talked about. We've been together for a little over a year and I know I love her and she claims she loves me. Now my girlfriend texts me and says " her ex was on another girls snapchat while he has a girlfriend and a baby on the way" . okay thats fine but she didn't tell me that she went out her way to warn him and say something about it. when they were together she was beat and cheated on constantly so in my mind I'm wondering why she went out of her way to message him ? I treat her amazing and I know I do. I do everything for her that I can do. way more then I did in my past relationship. So one night she goes to bed and I'm up doing homework, she texts me out the blue and says that her best friend called saying her ex was outside her house crying and wanted to see her dog and stuff like that. So she went out there and talked for a few minutes and went back in. But recently I brought that up and there was more to the story that she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me he tried to kiss her and that she got in the car with him and went to the petrol station. Everything was okay before she told me that I didn't over react to nothing I handled it well until she told me that. I cussed her out and said some hurtful stuff. So that's the story I don't wanna lose her over this and I need to know if this is right. I was in my college classes the other day and my professor said " whats normal to them, they won't see that as an issue" which made so much sense. But right now were losing each other and I wanna fix this. S he gets defense about it and calls me insecure and childish and threatens to end the relationship but I'm neither, I think it's more just respect my wishes of the relationship. I don't really have anyone to talk to so that's why I am here.
Ask the community | ex-partner
“My unsent texts”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   You show love with character, your passion, the way you speak of one another, you trust them, you don't go behind their backs and make them question your entire being. How has any of your actions proved you actually care for me. You destroyed me piece my piece and didn't even think twice, I know where I stand in your life. I understand completely people make mistakes but making them time after time over the same subjects, or even over a fucking toothbrush is where I draw the line. But I guess I didn't do too good at that. I couldn't back away from you fast enough before you ripped me to shreds. But even after everything, instead of getting a "I know how bad I hurt you" I get "I love you" and "It'll get better"'. But when? So far I've spent an entire year feeling almost entirely alone. I feel dead inside. I feel cold, empty and crowded. I get left to feel this way but then again it's not really noticed either, I hide my pain or at least I did at one point by simply staying quiet. Talking once and being done. But things were different here, you never held your end. You were never fully devout to me or you wouldn't have walked all over me as careless as you were. You never brought things up, I could be so broken and upset the night before and I never get anything more than "I'm sorry". When you've been pushed, beaten around, controlled, pushed to your limits and then forced to swim; eventually you get tired. I no longer feel like putting myself back together after one too many times of dusting myself off.
User article | trust
“Girlfriend cheated, I can't get over it”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Alright so I met the perfect girl about two years ago who ended up being my first love and first serious relationship. She became my girlfriend, my best friend, my EVERYTHING! Then almost a year into the relationship I was going through so stuff that made me less available to spend quality time and very stressed out which put a huge strain on our relationship. My girlfriend began to go out with her friends all of the time and I never thought anything of it because I trusted her and was busy myself so I wanted her to have fun. One day later on down the line I see a picture that she was tagged in on Facebook with this guy behind her dancing with her. We had a rule that we wouldn't dance with anyone else and when I questioned her she said they took the picture right when he got behind her to dance with her... Being the (dumb) trusting boyfriend I was I accepted what she said without question and just asked her to remove the picture. Then a couple of weeks later following that incident she had a falling out with her roommate who supposedly posted that my girlfriend cheated on me on Facebook and my girlfriend told me about it and how it wasn't true and being once again the (stupid) trusting boyfriend I was I was receptive to what she said without question. Cheating was something that i didnt think she would ever do because I knew that she loved me dearly. I began to feel my self becoming more and more unhappy primarily to the great amount of strain that was put on our relationship because of what I was going through. My girlfriend was somewhat supportive but complained and didn't like it at all one bit. I thought about things for weeks and decided to break up with her because I needed time and didn't wanna do anything bad to her like cheat or anything. She was heartbroken and begged for me back but I refused. Months later I tried getting back with her and she was not making it easy for me at all. There was another guy who she was seeing but she still loved me and it showed and I knew I just needed to be patient so I was. She then decides toget some type of birth control that required her to have an std test and come to find out she has syphilis and I was likely to have to it as well because we had sex on several occasions. Being focused on wanting to get her back I completely brushed that off when she told me and she felt like she couldn't make me waitwait for any longer because I was the best thing that's happened to her and she dropped everyone and got back with me. Weeks following I found out that she lied about a guy she said she didn't have sex with and that she cheated on me back when I was going through that stuff and her roommate had posted it on Facebook and told me it wasn't true when it really was. I was completely crushed! I couldn't do anything but want to work things out because I had just gotten her back and wasn't ready for things to end. She made a 360 degree change after for the better and has shown me that she was sorry and loves me and would never do anything like that again. It has been 7 months and still to this day, I can't seem to forget about it and I feel like its preventing me from moving on with her. Things will be good for a couple of weeks and then something will happen or I'll see something that reminds me of what she did and it just brings me back to the situation and how much it hurt me. Still to this day there has been a lingering unhappiness that I just can't get over because of what she has done and I do not know what to do with myself! I wish I could just get over it so I can move on with this girl and my life! She has done everything she possibly can to show she is sorry and to make things better. Although I do want to move on with this girl I'm not most concerned with that. What I'm mainly concerned with is what the best thing for me to do for MYSELF is. Advice would be greatly appreciated.. I have been having way too many sleepless nights..Thanks! By the way.. My girlfriend and I are both in college.. I'm 20 going on 21 and she's 19.. Going on 20
Ask the community | cheating, trust
“Married, having an affair with younger man“
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I am a married woman with children and I'm having an affair with a younger man (10 years younger) who's also in a relationship, and has a baby!! I know what we're doing is wrong but neither of us intended for it to get this far or for anyone to get hurt. My marriage is at an all time low at the moment and has been for a long long time, we just don't get on at all, constantly argue and there is no intimacy between us at all!! but I just plod on for the sake of my children - H (the other man) is more or less in the same position but he's not married just lives with his girlfriend and baby. We first started out just messaging each other general conversation but things progressed further with each of us confessing how we'd love to meet up - eventually we did at his house while his partner was out and one thing led to another!! We've recently met up in a hotel room and had the best time ever. I can't leave my marriage as it would destroy my husband and kids and he won't leave his girlfriend because of his baby, he says he can't leave her til his baby is old enough to leave home (which is a long way off!) We don't see each other as much as we'd like to as it's difficult for us to both getaway but message most days. I am at an all time low at the moment as I can't stop thinking about H and the times we do spend together 🙁 would love to hear from anyone who's been in the same position......and what I should do x
Ask the community | ongoing affairs
“Boyfriend is into transgender escorts”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My partner of 2.5 yrs and I have just split, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. We lived together for just over a year (in my house), he's late 30's....I'm mid 30's In March this year we both changed jobs and were probably having a little bit if a stressful time. For a period after this I felt like there was something just not right between us, and although I approached him a couple of times to talk my worries over he convinced me there was nothing wrong, and in time once our new jobs had settled we'd 'get back to normal'. My mind was settled for a short time but one night in mid may I went through his computer and mobile phone. I'd like to add that I felt shocking about this, but just had to ease my thoughts. I discovered he'd been watching transvestite porn, logging into sexual social network sites for transgender escorts, seeking out cross dressers services, emailing them with enquiries, and calling them. I was shocked and confused...I didn't go to work the next day, telling him I felt under the weather. I spent all day deciding how I was going to approach this and confront him. I felt so hurt and inadequate, but equally I thought if I could speak to him calmly he'd have an explaination. At worst I thought if he was confused about his own sexuality I didn't want him to feel judged or ashamed. When he got in from work, I asked him what he'd been doing during his 2 days he'd had off that week whilst I was at work...he just said not much really, playing the Xbox, tidying etc...I asked if anything else and he started to be uncomfortable with the interrogation! Eventually I asked if he'd been watching porn.... He laughed it off...and kept saying no. He was lying... I eventually told him I knew he'd been watching it, I knew he'd emailed and telephoned male escorts... He told me I was ridiculous and trying to cause an argument... When I'd searched his computer, I printed everything off....so I gave him the print outs. He was so embarrassed, he didn't know what to say, he clearly felt completely caught out. The only explaination he could offer me was 'it was just a joke, a one off stupid joke' and he'd never do it again. I didn't know what to believe and over the course of the next couple of days I just accepted what he had said and tried to get in with life. After 6wks I felt like there was something still not right, I tried to talk to him but he repeatedly would say I was been silly and nothing was wrong. Again I checked his computer and mobile and discovered each time he'd been off work and I was at work he'd been looking at and contacting transvestite escorts, watching porn of the same nature. I asked him if he'd been doing it again and he said no, he'd never do that again and jeopardise us like that again. I confronted him with what I found again.... He'd never stopped looking, in the six wks we had since the first time I found out. He says he's never met them, but I don't know if that's true or not, he lied about the whole thing in the first place so what's to say he hasn't lied about that. During the following week we tried to make things right again, he said he didn't want to lose us, and neither did I really but I didn't understand his interests in the escorts. 5 days later we'd gone out for a family celebration, had quite a lot to drink but had a great day. That night in my drunken state I mistakingly text a male friend with a text ment for my other half. When I fell asleep he checked my phone and saw it, thought the worst and wasn't happy (naturally). Even though my friend replied the next morning with a message that made it clear what I had sent wasn't meant for him. When I woke, he said it was all over. He couldn't do it anymore, that he felt like I cheated on him!! He said he was going to his parents for a couple of days to clear his head... 2 days later I came home from work to find everything that belonged to him gone. Since that day 4wks ago he won't talk, text, meet...nothing. It's like I don't exist to him anymore and I feel like I'm greiving a death. I have been to the doctors to ask for some help as I'm finding I just can't cope, I'm constantly in a state, hardly eating or sleeping. I feel completely inadequate, hopeless, not good enough.... Was I not good enough? Did I not fill his sexually desires? Has this been going on always and I didn't know? I feel like the breakdown is all my fault - I mean a text to a friend incorrectly - is that really relationship ending stuff?? I tried so hard to get him to open up to me about what he was looking at and explain things. I tried to make him feel like he wasn't been judged so he could feel comfortable to talk. What did I do wrong?
Ask the community | pornography, rejection
“My affair is tormenting me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need some help as I'm going through a really difficult time mentally and physically, and need to find a coping strategy. Sorry, it';s a bit of a ramble....! I've been with my wife for 12 years, married for seven, and we have a beautiful three year old daughter. We have a good standard of living, both have high profile, busy jobs, and are a good 'unit'. But, we're both deeply unhappy with our life, and have drifted apart. We function, but there is no love, no physical intimacy and no real social life. Last year, I met someone at work. I had flirted with others before and had occasional liasions. But this was completely different. The physical and mental attraction was instant; she was in a relationship at the time, but it soon ended as he walked out on her. She has three adult children from a previous marriage. To cut a long story short, our relationship quickly grew from slightly flirtatious texts and emails to a full blown physical relationship. Within a couple of months, we were head over heels in love, and trying everything to meet, texting and emailing all the time, late night chats on MSN and enjoying each other's company. We talked about living in our own little world. I started seriously considering leaving my marriage, but said to my partner that I would not leave 'for her' but 'for me'. She accepted that and never put any pressure on me. As things got more and more serious, we talked a lot about wanting to be open about our relationship, do things as a couple with other people, all the usual things. She increasingly found the separation at weekends etc. harder and harder to bear, and wanted more and more 'us' time. I found that incredibly flattering, but also very difficult as I knew I had to make a decision. My wife was out of work and my job was at risk, and I din't make the decision. Then, in May, she ended it all abruptly as she couldn't take the wanting more anymore. Within a week we were back together. In June she ended it again (while we were in bed!) after a work night out where someone had made a throw away comment about how good a life I had. Again, we were back together after a week, and she said she was reconciled to carrying on as we were. We then went our separate ways on holiday, which gave us both a chance to re-evealuate things after a difficult couple of months. We managed to text a bit while we were away, and came back really looking forward to seeing each other. To cut a long story short, she ended it again a month ago in a very bad way, just ignoring me and then leaving me to 'dump' myself by text! She had met someone else, and appears to be having a wail of a time, although that has never factored in the reasons for the split...purely timing I think. At the time I was on extended leave from work, and just fell apart. I headed to the hills, literally, for a few days. We met a few days later for a coffee and we talked a bit. Over the next couple of weeks, we stayed in touch, varying between light hearted, friendly chat, the odd slightly flirtatious message to full on emotional outpourings from me. She wanted to stay friends., but found it really hard to explain her emotions. I effectively left my wife for two weeks, but moved back in and am now in the spare room! We met last week for dinner, and I convinced myself I wouldn't be needy or emotional, just enjoy the time together. We managed that for most of the night. But at the end I said I just couldnt stay in touch as a friend. I regretted it the moment I dropped her off. Supidly I then went the other way, and asked her, at some point in the future, to marry me.....she declined! After some more chat the following day, we agreed to take a break of a few weeks, but then she texted me on Friday as she was in a meeting where my name had been mentioned. She told me how handsome I am lol! We drifted along for a few days again, but on Weds of this week, I called halt again. I just couldnt handle it. I feel so many emotions. I havent slept properly for a month, have lost a stone in weight, although thankfully I havent hit the bottle! I want what is best for her, and I don't want her to be looking over her shoulder all of the time, worrying about my emotions. I feel terrible guilt that I didn't act earlier, and tremendous sadness that we have missed a great opportunity to make things work between us. I am really struggling to stay in touch as a friend, but cannot think of life without her. Her coping mechanism is to carry on as normal, but deep down she is in a mess too....she tells me she is sick and that she loves me and sometimes doesnt sleep. If she says something even slightly flirtatious, I have hope; if she doesn't, I lose hope and think she is stringing me alone (which she isnt). If I get too emotional, I make it difficult for her, and if I don't I think she may think I don't care. I dont know how to cope, or what to do for the best. I don't know what she really wants. Her happiness is the most important. But I don't think I am strong enough to walk away for ever. I try and kid myself that one day we will be together.... romantic visions of a meeting on the eiffel tower one spring day, you know the sort of thing! But I just don't know. All I do know is that she is the love of my life, and I am hers. Keen to hear opinions.
Ask the community | cheating, ongoing affairs
“I don't trust my man's female friend”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: - He's extremely mellow by nature. - He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) - He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. - He's a clear and honest communicator. - My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. - He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: - I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. - I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. - I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. - If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: - She's in her mid-twenties and is single. - She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. - She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(
Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting

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