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A lesser known risk of online first, meeting later
Dating apps have changed the way we meet potential partners. But, while they can help take some of the hassle out of meeting new people, there’s one risk you may not have considered. Apps like Tinder, OkCupid or Hinge can widen your dating pool by connecting you with other single people you might not otherwise have met. They can also give you information much faster than you might get it in real life. By the time you and a potential partner have decided you want to meet up, you may already have learned lots about each other that might have taken weeks in the real world [1]. This early interaction can remove much of the mystery of dating and help speed up the process of getting to know each other. It can also help to know that there is at least some attraction between you by the time you first meet [1]. Yet, relationship research has shown that this can set many online daters up for failure. Think about the process of building your own dating profile. It’s impossible to give a complete picture so you pick and choose – and, naturally, you want to present your best side. You select the best photos, make the most of your interests, and generally remain on your best behaviour while trying to convince potential matches that they should pick you. This is a normal part of the dating process but what you may not have considered is that we tend to idealise the people we’re getting to know through apps. As you get to know someone online, you build up a version of them in your mind, based partly on reality and partly on filling in the blanks left by their profile. Over time, this imaginary version can become very compelling [2]. When you meet, the imaginary version makes way for the real thing – sometimes, this will be a person you want to continue dating and sometimes it won’t. However, if your online interaction goes on for too long without meeting up, the imagined version gets so ingrained that the real thing doesn’t have a hope of living up to it. The longer you delay the face-to-face meeting, the greater the risk that you’ll be disappointed with each other, and the less likely the relationship is to succeed [2]. So, the next time your dating app presents you with someone you think you might like, don’t wait too long to meet them. Give them the best opportunity to live up to the version of them that you think you’ve been talking to and you the best chance of meeting the real them! References [1] LeFebvre, L. E. (2018). Swiping me off my feet: Explicating relationship initiation on Tinder. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(9), 1205-1229. [2] Ramirez, A., Sumner, E., Fleuriet, C., & Cole, M. (2015). When Online Dating Partners Meet Offline: The Effect of Modality Switching on Relational Communication Between Online Daters. Journal of Computer‐Mediated Communication, 20(1), 99-114.
Article | dating, online dating
“His lack of interest in sex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, So I have been with my partner for four years and, during the start of the relationship, he was somewhat obsessed with porn. He would masturbate anywhere from 1-3 times a day and would lie to my face saying he had cut down on porn or stopped it all together. I thought this had stopped by the time we moved in together however he would just wake up early in the morning to masturbate. We spoke about this and he has stopped this habit for the past year (or so he has told me). During the first three years of our relationship we have had a very active sex life, however i noticed that around this time last year it started to fade overtime. It has got to the point that sex is hardly ever initiated by him and it will be me that puts in the effort. Over the past couple of weeks/months, I have been trying to figure out how to liven things up with toys/pics/texts and just being overall spontaneous. I'll be waiting in lingerie for when he comes home, or invite him in the shower with me and sleeping naked but he doesn't even give me a second look. It genuinely breaks my heart and feels as though he perceives sex as a chore he has to complete (which of course i do not encourage), whenever i talk to him about this he will say things along the lines of 'fine, i'll do it tomorrow' or the classic 'i'm just tired' (no matter what time/day it is he will always say this). Even during the act, he just seems out of it and the only times he really wants it is if i suggest that we watch porn together or he fantasises about cuckolding. I just really don't know what to do, I feel pathetic and desperate sometimes. All i have running through my head is 'am i ugly?', 'does he not find me attractive anymore?', 'am i wearing too much make up or not enough?', 'maybe if i did this or that he would like it more?' I really don't know what to do at this point, I've been crying over this the past two nights as he barely touches me and the feeling of being rejected/not wanted cuts me deeply due to being abandoned as a child which i do acknowledge and try my best to overcome those feelings. Any help or advice would be so deeply appreciated.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless
“Intimate three times in five years”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Well, after five years of definitely a less than sexless marriage, three times in all.. Finally had THE CHAT! He says he loves me and attractive but each night thinks I'll wait till tomorrow.. Yes tomorrow never comes.. No pun intended.. He's a closed book usually but told him how unloved unattractive I felt. I've been patient but not desperate for sex that I would cheat but one passionate kiss at least not much to ask.. So every night we'll be in bed and I may as well be sleeping next to a stone.. He wouldn't notice if I had old pj's on or nice lingerie or even naked he's only 40.. Now he does have health issues and is now depressed.. But last week I asked him if he relieved himself he said yes last week and I know it would be to porn.. So no I am not upset that he can't be intimate I'm angry.. If you've no sex drive yet can't respond to your partner naked next to you but can do that then you are either a liar or keeping something from me. Then he admitted he also feels untrusted.. Well, over five years ago I found a secret twitter account where he'd been tweeting a female workmate way too flirty he had worked with her every night for 8 years I'd never heard of her.. Reading the tweets I was stunned I'm all for having friends but then to see thanks for visiting?? He had visited her at home once then it was twice but both times with friends when she had broken her leg.. If he had told me I would have said get her some flowers but it was the week I was in hospital with pneumonia and he couldn't visit me.. He wouldn't add me on Facebook but liked all her sorry.. slutty pics and a man's work leaving do turned out to be hers as I found out later and he'd been liking her outfit pic in the bathroom just before he went and rolled in at 6am..he finally understood he'd been disrespectful and after another 18 months I finally said enough take her off twitter and Facebook..I would have done it instantly if I had been behaving like that. He did she moved job and got a boyfriend it's the sneakiness he said he had never had a woman as a friend and it was work banter.. I let it go and accepted he'd not carry it on.. But the visiting at home was still niggling so I sent her a polite txt... She said he'd never mentioned a partner once and was very secretive but he visited twice both times alone.. Even when I told him what she said he still lied to my face.. Just the last few months I've got over the lies and deceit and after our chat I asked how he got there.. Nice.. two buses there and back. He then had another female at work start the same but he said he'd nipped it in the bud.. Partly I felt I had caused his depression by taking his 'friend' away.. So you can see where the mistrust comes in sometimes I've pretended to be asleep when he gets home not to feel like a stranger in my own bed but all he says partly I believe but funny all the intimacy stopped exactly the time she popped up. On twitter etc he's great in all other ways but now I'm getting to the point where I think uuck.. Do I really want to sleep with him never mind me intimate and days I want to say leave the car keys and door keys.. I just wish I knew if he was being truthful and things could improve or do I say adios thanks for the memories.. Nightmares.. Its his only day off today and jokingly I said you know tonight's the night he laughed and said yes takeaway and a movie.. Ffs is he just dim.. Depressed or a snide two faced liar. I'm at the end of my tether and 20 years together can't drag on if it's one sided I don't need him I want him but I want him to want me or at least take drama lessons..i still think he's carrying a torch for her and his porn watching has got him to a point where he can't do the deed with a real person. Sorry long rant but not told anyone before.. So any advice? Lying using snake or a depressed man? I have tried to help do I cut my losses while I love him or let him stay as a roommate which is all he feels like and be taken over by bitterness? The trust issue is his burden trust has to be re earned when broken or am I just putting 2 and 2 together and making 5 and overreacting?
User article | sex, communication, sexless
“He never wants to be intimate”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello everyone, I've been needing to get something off my chest for a long time now. It's something very personal and I can't bring myself to talk to anyone in my social circle or family, because I feel very embarrassed, neglected and as if something is wrong with me. I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months now. For context, I haven't had very many sexual partners as I've always been in committed relationships since my teens (and am now 24). My partner (28) on the other hand has had many sexual partners and has never been in a committed relationship before me, and would, I quote, "pump and dump". So a very big player who would just fuck around, pardon my language. At the beginning of the relationship, physically everything was great, we were both very into each other and would be intimate almost every time we saw each other. However, after 4/5 months of being together, the physical intimacy became much more scarce. He would never initiate, or say he was tired. I was the one always initiating and trying to be intimate, and they would just make up an excuse or laugh it off like a joke. I would try everything, wearing sexy lingerie while walking around the apartment, joining them in the shower, walking and lying around naked... And they would just either ignore it or react as if I was making a joke. And now it's gotten to a point where I'm too worried about rejection to even try anymore, and it's such a horrible feeling knowing that if I don't try, they'll never even bother to initiate (which is the sad reality). It's just feels so humiliating, that the person that's meant to love me and be attracted to me doesn't even want to touch me. He talks long term goals, including marriage, potentially having kids and buying property together, so I know he's not cheating on me and is very much attracted to me still. I am considered by societies standards as conventionally attractive, and receive a lot of attention from the opposite sex. But I don't get any from the person I love, and it makes me feel as if I'm disgusting or something is wrong with me. I feel so ashamed and humiliated, and am so worried because we're not even a year into our relationship and we're already having intimacy issues, and we're both a young couple who should theoretically be in their prime physically. There are also issues when we are intimate. I only climax from oral, not from penetrative sex. He said when we first started seeing each other, that he was a "selfless lover" and couldn't selfish if he wanted to be, because he got off on his partner getting off. And he couldn't get me to climax through regular sex, and I did tell them I could only climax through oral, and then he just gave up. He doesn't even try. In the 10 months we've been together, I can count the number of times he's gone down on me on one hand. And he always says how he "loves" how I taste and makes these remarks like "I can't wait for dessert" or something along those lines, but then never actually does it. So it makes me feel so dejected and as if I'm dirty and disgusting. I'm at a point where I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I've given up. Even going to bed, he doesn't cuddle and normally comes to bed after I've already fallen asleep.so I just end up crying myself to sleep. I don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so alone and dejected.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless
“Conditional sex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my partner for over 4 years although I have known him since I was a teenager. We both have been married before and have children from previous relationships. When we first got together sex was amazing and all the time, I had never felt so fantastic and I felt that I had finally found someone who understood and matched my sexual desire. I took ill and was stuck at home for over a year, lost my job and my confidence and gained weight. While I was unwell there was a change, I was often the one to initiate sex and he would say it would be selfish for him to want sex when I was ill. I said I could make the decision if I was up to it or not there would be an argument and he would huff for a while but then carry on. We did always however have a good level of closeness always holding hands, hugging and being together. Once I recovered we got back to having great sex again but there was a change, he seems to only want sex if I wear a dress, stockings and heels. This is 'what he likes' and it seems he is just not interested in me otherwise and he rarely initiates sex. These conditions that seem to be almost like rules now make me feel quite sad, I miss just making love on a Saturday morning or having a 'quickie' when the kids are out. He may think I look sexy when I dress like this but I just feel unattractive and under great pressure and I never feel good enough. He is a perfectionist and he will point out if there is the smallest snag in my stockings or I haven't shaved properly. It is as though he has standards that I just don't meet anymore so he would rather do without sex. I love him deeply and fancy him like crazy but I am sexually frustrated and scared we are drifting too far apart to fix it.
Ask the community | sex, communication, sexless
“Loss of intimacy”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My husband and I have been married 3 yrs with 2 kids together (4 kids total). Our sex life has always been great but for the past year it hasnt been. We will have sex every now and then. Maybe every 2 weeks and sometimes every month or longer..I started to become curious as to why he lost interest and noticed he was watching porn on his phone. I knew he did off and on but noticed how often he was doing it for the past few months...he would even look at this stuff during his lunch breaks at work awhile telling me he was taking a nap. His addiction affected our marriage because he never desired sex with me anymore but every now and then. We got into a heated arguement one time and he admitted he had a problem. We decided to take internet off his phone completely so he wouldnt be tempted anymore but he still isnt being intimate with me... the sex still isnt happening as often and when I confront him he swears up and down there is nothing wrong with our sex life, with me or anything that he is just lazy. He will only initiate sex if I have complained that day about it. I finally decided that I wasnt going to complain or ask him for it anymore because I didnt want to get my Hope's up that we would have sex more...I dont know what else to do
User article | intimacy, sex
“Still a virgin after four years together”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello, I'm 26 years old and have been married for 1.5 years. Before marriage I dated him for nearly 3 years. At the beginning of our relationship my partner was very much sexually attracted to me as he was stealing even little moments to kiss me or touch me and asked for photos and stuff but we never had full intercourse (due to cultural values), even though he liked it. Gradually I felt like he was losing interest in the sex part as soon as my mom passed away. He was obsessed in taking care for me and making me feel better. A year later we got married and moved to Australia. On our first night together and ever since I've tried several times to initiate sex but he does not want to. I'm a very shy girl in nature but I don't have any other option than initiating and trying. I make jokes, I tell him seriously that I want it but he makes jokes about it and that's it. I've began to feel desperate and during this 1.5 years I've argued and cried three times but he never answers my questions. Only thing he does is give me a hug that's it. I soon stop the conversation as I feel so ashamed of myself for being needy and sexually active. Unfortunately I feel like I'm sexually too active as I can't stop feeling desperate and I've started imagining things in my head with fictional characters. I've started watching love making videos and satisfying myself but I feel so empty. I want intimacy and during this 1.5 years we haven't even kissed lips. Whenever I try to kiss him on the cheek he laughs and pushes me away saying it tickles. Please help!! He is a lovely man and I love him!
Ask the community | intimacy, sex, sexless
If you don’t feel ready for sex
What am I up against? When ‘the norm’ is to have lots and lots of sex (or at least it just seems to be) by the time you’re ‘legal’, there can be huge pressures from friends and classmates. You might encounter pressure from elsewhere too. You may have a partner that’s pushing, or you may be putting pressure on yourself. The bottom line is, there’s pressure from all directions to have sex at a young age. How can I deal with it? It appears that everyone else is having sex all the time A survey of nearly 3,600 11- to 16-year-olds in the UK found that 86% of respondents had never had sexual intercourse. In the same survey, 78% of people overestimated the sexual activity of their peers, and many people believed their peers to be ‘more experienced’ than they actually were [1]. Remember that everyone wants to portray an image, so there’s a chance that even people close to you will be keen to exaggerate (or even invent) their sexual experiences. A person’s reputation doesn’t rest on what they do, but on what people believe they do. Choose what's right for you In one survey of teenage girls in 2010, one third of young women under the age of 15 said they regretted their decision to have sex as early as they did. As part of the study, they also asked those girls if they felt pressured to have sex early, and 20% of them said yes. But not everyone regrets their first time; some people have sex for the first time quite young and look back on it fondly. Many young women from the study said their regret stemmed from a lack of planning with their partner and a lack of control over the sexual experience. So, considering this, if you don’t want to go down the “it just sort of happened” route, keep your own intentions clear in your mind and, if appropriate, share them with your partner. Once you feel the time is right to have sex, try not to get too worked up about it. Rather, let it be something that you’ll enjoy and hopefully remember fondly.  Feel free to talk to your partner about the experience, plan ahead and don’t be afraid to say what you do and don’t want.  Consider talking with someone, maybe even a parent You might think that any teenager would rather set themselves on fire than talk to their parents about sex but, according to a survey of 1,000 13- to 18-year-olds in the UK, more than half of teens actually want to talk to their parents about sex and would trust their parental guidance if they gave it. So if you have a good relationship with one (or both) of your parents, that might be something to consider. References [1] ‘Young people not having as much sex, drugs or alcohol as they think they are’, 2014
Article | sex, YPc
“Our adventurous sex life is complicated”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Right now I am feeling very low and despondent with my marriage. About 3 yr ago, my husband confided in me that he had joined a sex website, where people share photos of themselves and have some sexual fun with others through messaging. He had not shared photos of himself, but wanted to share photos of me. He enjoyed that other men were enjoying looking at me, and reading comments left by other users on my photos. I agreed to it. It seemed like a bit of fun. It was something we enjoyed together as a couple - posting a couple of photos up when we would be having a sexy night together. From here things have slowly escalated. It started with occasional photo sharing, to more frequent photo sharing, to naughty chat with other men as a couple. I decided as a sexy surprise to him I would take control of the account and post photos without him knowing. He would find it very arousing to check in on the website throughout the week (he often works away) and see that I had posted a photo. Up until this point he was always the one to post photos of me, always with my permission. This, in turn, has led to him telling me he would love me to have sexy text conversations with other men - without him being involved. This would be when we are together in bed. I would be on the phone to another man, pleasuring myself, while he watched. I was thoroughly enjoying it. It was fun, it was exciting and he was also loving it. From here it has escalated more. We are now doing this completely separately. I will be upstairs on the phone with another man. He will be downstairs, listening. This is something we had both agreed to. He was more than happy with this arrangement. We had discussed a threesome. But ultimately he is more interested in me being with someone else, than he is in joining in. He would be perfectly happy for me to go off with another man, and tell him about it after. He enjoys this sexually - and I have been too. Its incredibly fun and exciting. I have loved the attention I have been receiving and our sex life felt amazing. Our sex life now completely revolves around this idea of me being with another man. This is where things get messy. I have been engaging in this with the same man repeatedly for the past 7 months, with increasing frequency - all with the blessing of my husband. I barely know the guy, but we had started to chat in between our sexy sessions. We get along and have a lot of fun together. And I honestly feel like I have more fun with the new guy than I do with my husband. It's gotten to the point where I can't enjoy having sex with my husband without involving this other guy (over the phone) or pretending I am with the other guy. I am also finding myself being secretive about my non-sexual conversations with this guy - because I know my husband isn't keen on it. The sexual stuff he has absolutely no problem with, but engaging in normal conversation as well seems too much like a relationship dynamic to him - which I understand, but have selfishly continued to do anyway. These feelings have crept their way into other parts of my life too. I am starting to resent my life with my husband and am left with a lingering feeling of what it would be like to start afresh on my own. My new life on my own would probably involve the other guy (although I haven't told the other guy any of this) but I am very aware that it would be a casual, lustful relationship that wouldn't last - if it was anything at all. There have been things I have found difficult in my husband's and my relationship over the years, but they are things I have been able to put aside - because i love my husband. Now these things are becoming more and more of a problem for me, and I feel I would be better off on my own. My husband is a good guy - and he has never done me wrong. I feel like I've lost the love, but I don't necessarily want to throw away everything we've had over the last 10 years for the sake of a bit of fun with a guy I barely know. And at the same time I feel like I could be ready for something new. My husband was all too willing for me to go off with the other guy for a night of passion. It would have been the perfect opportunity for me to try it out without throwing away my marriage. I have declined this offer and cut contact with the other guy for now, because I know I wouldn't be doing it for the right reasons. It wouldn't be for us to enjoy as a couple. It would be for my own selfishness. I have tried my best to be honest with my husband about all this. He is obviously hurt, and I have placed a lot of blame on him when we have been arguing. He is begging me not to give up on our relationship. Part of me feels i should try and make it work with him. The other part of me doesn't want to. I have no idea where to go from here.
Ask the community | swinging, non-manogamy
Sex during pregnancy
During your pregnancy, sex can become a complicated issue. Your desire can decrease, your discomfort can increase, and you might just lose interest altogether. Or, you might still be in the mood but find that your partner is backing off! All of this is perfectly normal and very common. Sexual enjoyment tends to decline as pregnancy goes on. Around 22-50% of pregnant women find intercourse painful and many women find it difficult to orgasm. It’s normal for your libido to decline too, largely to the change in hormones, and feeling sick, tired and physically uncomfortable [1]. And, as your body changes, you might just feel less sexy. This is particularly likely during the later stages of pregnancy, when you’re all achy and bloated. About a quarter to a half of pregnant women feel less attractive than before, and only 12% feel more attractive [1]. Giving it a go If you do feel up to having sex, there’s no reason you shouldn’t give it a go. For the majority of healthy pregnant women and their partners, sex is perfectly safe, even in the last few weeks before you give birth [1]. If you’re not sure whether it’s OK, seek advice from your doctor or midwife but, if you do want to have a go, give yourself time to be in the mood, and accept that it might take longer than usual. It’s possible that your partner will be reluctant, which can be frustrating. However, don’t assume that it’s from a lack of desire, or a loss of sexual attraction. One possible reason for hesitancy is a fear of harming the baby, which inhibits at least a quarter of male partners, and a quarter to half of expectant mothers [1]. Talk to your partner. Have an open and honest conversation about how you both feel right now. If your partner admits that they’re feeling funny about sex, try not to get annoyed or take it personally – you won’t be pregnant forever! If you’re feeling a bit insecure, make it clear that you are learning to adjust to your changing body and that, even if sex is off the table, a little TLC would be appreciated. Finding other ways to feel close If you really don’t want to have sex, don’t force yourself. Be honest with your partner, offer reassurance that it’s not a personal rejection, and ask for the support you need. It might be helpful to discuss this article, and reassure yourselves that these are common adjustments that couples face during pregnancy. If you’re feeling icky and your partner tries to reassure you that you look beautiful, accept the compliment and choose to believe them. Lots of people find their partners especially attractive when they’re carrying their child. Finding other ways of being intimate that aren’t sexual – like hugging, kissing, and massage – can help you bond when sex isn’t available. Just spending quality time together can help you maintain a sense of closeness. And remember that you won’t feel like this forever. Though there will be new challenges for your sex life when your baby comes along, the physical changes you’re experiencing during pregnancy should return to normal about three months after the birth. Some women even experience more intense orgasms than they did before [1].   References [1] Von Sydow, K. (2000). Sexuality during pregnancy and after childbirth: A meta-analysis of 59 studies. Reproductive Health Matters, 8 (15), 183. doi:10.1016/s0968-8080(00)90068-5
Article | pregnancy, parenting together
4 min read
Sex after giving birth
If you weren’t having much sex during your pregnancy, you may be looking forward to getting things back on track. But, for many couples, it can take a while to get things back to normal after the birth. Your body might take some time to return to a state where sex feels OK. This is a common experience for many women after giving birth: Following birth only 10-15% of new parents don’t experience any problems at all. Mothers and fathers commonly feel worried about resuming having sex [1]. 13 months after the birth, 22% were still having problems sexually [2]. Try to accept that it’s normal to need time. Even when you’ve recovered physically, you might not feel in the mood, or you might be slow to be turned on. Give yourself a chance and don't pressure on yourself to bounce back, even if your partner is keen to be intimate. Remember that there are other ways to be sexual besides penetrative sex and, if those are still off the table, focus on improving the quality of your time together, giving each other lots of cuddles and affection, or just having meaningful conversations. Feeling guilty about not feeling sexy   Despite the understanding that your body is still going through a lot, you may still feel guilty for not being in the mood or not feeling able to satisfy your partner. Even if your partner isn’t expressing any disappointment over the lack of sex or changes in your sex life, it’s common to be worried about how things might be perceived from the other end. One study of women who had recently had children showed that: 57%... were worried about the sexual satisfaction of their spouse following the birth of their child [2]. If you’re carrying guilt around with you, it might be a good idea to talk this over with your partner and remind yourselves that you’re not alone – only 14% of women and 12% of men report having no sexual problems after giving birth [2].   If you’re not up for having sex, let your partner know that you still desire him, but that you just need a bit more time. It may be difficult for your partner to understand the effects that such drastic body changes can have on your confidence. Taking the time and effort to explain, can help put your partner in a better position to show sensitivity and help build up your confidence. Be descriptive of your own feelings, and ask him to be mindful of them.  It will probably help to have the conversation with your partner beforehand. Explain why you don’t want sex at the moment, and what you can offer at this time. Sex may not be as high on your partner’s priority list as you think, but asking about it can be a great opener to discussing how you’re feeling and what you’re worried about. The conversation may even help put you at ease. If physical intimacy is your partner’s preferred way to express love, it doesn’t necessarily have to mean sex. People who express love physically while still appreciate a stroke of the hair as you walk past, or a surprise cuddle while they are doing the washing up. Hugs, snuggles on the bed, hand-holding, massages – these will all help a physical person feel loved at a time when you don’t feel up to having sex.   References [1] Sagiv-Reiss, D.M., Birnbaum, G.E. & Safir, M.P (2012). Changes in Sexual Experiences and Relationship Quality During Pregnancy. Archives of Sexual Behavior. October 2012, Volume 41, Issue 5, pp 1241–1251 [2] Von Sydow, K. (2000). Sexuality during pregnancy and after childbirth: A meta-analysis of 59 studies. Reproductive Health Matters, 8(15), 183. doi:10.1016/s0968-8080(00)90068-5
Article | sex, parenting together
4 min read
Sex with a pregnant partner
Since finding out she was pregnant, your partner might have been reacting to you differently during sex, or avoiding intimacy altogether. It might seem like she’s aroused less often or less attracted to you. Aside from simply missing something that you enjoy, sex an important way to feel closer to your partner. Without it, you may worry that you will struggle to stay close. While it might feel like it, a lack of sex during pregnancy is not a personal rejection. A quarter of new dads say they’re worried that their partner may no longer be interested in having sex [1] but it’s important to recognise that a decrease in sex during pregnancy is normal, and not your fault. Less sex during pregnancy is normal Your partner may be experiencing a decline in libido. This is very common during a time of changing hormones and physical discomfort like backache and water retention. Bear in mind that 22-50% of pregnant women experience painful intercourse, and reaching orgasm becomes progressively more difficult as pregnancy goes on [b]. Sex may have become a stressful experience for your partner. On top of this, about a quarter to a half of pregnant women feel less attractive during pregnancy, and only 12% feel more attractive [2], so your partner may just not be feeling as physically confident as she’d like to. Be open and honest with your partner. Talk about your concerns and tell her that you want to be supportive. If she is worried about her changing body, you can reassure her that you still find her desirable, but the most important thing is to respect her needs and desires. If she is experiencing a loss of libido, remember that this has nothing to do with you as a sexual partner. It might be helpful to discuss this article with her – talk about how these are common changes that couples face all the time during pregnancy. Can sex during pregnancy harm your baby? Up to half of women and at least a quarter of men worry that having sex during pregnancy will harm the baby in some way [2]. From a medical point of view, there is no reason to ‘forbid’ sex for the majority of healthy pregnant women and their partners, even in the last weeks before the birth [2]. If you’re not sure whether you fit into this category, seek advice from your doctor or midwife. Remember also that anxiety around sex isn’t always rational, and your partner may find it difficult to shake the fear. If that’s the case, try other ways of being intimate. You may find that other kinds of sexual activity that don’t involve vaginal penetration are a bit easier but, if not, things like hugging, kissing or massage can all help you feel closer to each other. Looking to the future Don’t expect things to pick back up again too soon after the birth. Your partner will need time to recover, and you might soon sense another obstacle to your sex life – fatigue. Irregular sleeping patterns, feeding schedules, nappy changes, and constant attention to the baby will probably continue to get in the way of your sex life. You might want to consider asking a family member or close friend to take care of the child for a while so you and your partner can spend some time together as a couple. If you’re used to having spontaneous sex, this might seem a little too regulated, but it might be a start. Finally, try to remind yourself that it’s not forever. As your child settles into more regular patterns of sleep, you’ll begin to find that there are more chances to be intimate without being interrupted by a crying baby.   References [1] Houlston, C., Coleman, L. Milford, L., Platts, N., Mansfield, P. (2013). Sleep, sex and sacrifice: The transition to parenthood, a testing time for relationships? OnePlusOne. Retrieved from: http://www.oneplusone.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Sleep-Sex-and-Sacrifice-OPO-report-FINAL-embargoed-until-29-May-2013.pdf [2] Von Sydow, K. (2000). Sexuality during pregnancy and after childbirth: A meta-analysis of 59 studies. Reproductive Health Matters, 8(15), 183. doi:10.1016/s0968-8080(00)90068-5
Article | pregnancy, parenting together
5 min read
“Help – partner looks at porn”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So reading this has brought me mixed feelings on this topic. So I'm 19 and my boyfriend is 21, we've been together for a little under a year 1/2, we live together too. Our sex life blows, we have sex twice a week and he can't last longer than 2 minutes without cumming. And when he cums, he can't get hard again, ever. So I never get a happy ending and he doesn't even try. He's not romantic what so ever. I try to be sexy and spice things up but nothing works, its like trying to get intimate with a wall. And he always tells me that he's not a big sex guy in general, and I respect that because I do not want to cause a rapey vibe what so ever. So I was playing music off his phone and I went to his safari and went to type in the dubstep song Purge Planet, and PornHub came up. I was shocked because he's not a big sex guy as he tells me so what the fuck are you doing on porn hub?? I find it disrespectful because he knows how insecure i am and it just fucks with me emotionally, i read articles that say its okay to be uncomfortable and its okay for him to watch porn because its not cheating. But honestly i'm really bothered by it. I don't even wanna know what he looks up.
Ask the community | sexless, pornography, rejection
“No sex without porn?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. He is older, I just turned 50 and he is 63. He said he hadnt been with a woman for over 20 years and when we got together he seemed like he wasnt nervous or unsure at all. I thought it would be weird and awkward for him and he’d be out of practice but quite the opposite. We had sex a lot at first, like most new relationships, it wasnt mind blowing and he’d complain if I had the slightest stubble ( Im italian and have dark coarse hair, shave in the morning and have stubble by that night. I took it in stride and dis what I could. Anyway, the sex started getting less and less unless I dressed in some outfit and made it happen. Now he barely touches me, wont do oral and Im clean, I have to be on top and he doesnt really get that hard. Finally we watched a porn the other day and he got rock had instantly and after 5 minutes of sex he cums. So now Im like wow, he can get hard as a rock, but cums in 5 minutes. And this after telling me for months he thinks he has low T and has a hard time getting stiff or even aroused. My self esteem is in the toilet and now even worse. So it seems I dont make him excited or turn him on, he has to have porn.
Ask the community | intimacy, sex, pornography
A year of sex
In her book 365 Days: A Memoir of Intimacy, Charla Muller charts the year she had sex every day with her husband, which she gave him as a present for his 40th birthday. The book touched a nerve for many couples when it was first published in the USA in 2008. Muller admits that, like many people juggling work, children and domestic chores, she’d become an expert at dodging sexual contact with her husband – even dreading the wandering hand in the bed at night. “My husband was constantly thinking to himself, ‘I wonder if today’s the day?’, and I was thinking, ‘I wonder if I can hold off till tomorrow?’” Muller considered herself happily married but admits, like a lot of married couples with kids, that sex had got lost along the way: “Its absence becomes a presence in the marriage, a silent tension hanging in the air. It certainly was in mine”. Sex and intimacy   Although they didn’t manage it every single night for a year, Muller says the effect of having sex nearly every day had a great effect on the intimacy of their marriage. Though she admits it did sometimes feel like a chore, she says that having to find the time for sex meant it stopped becoming a big deal. Her husband Brad put it this way: “Sex every day is not a long-term sustainable model, but neither is sex hardly ever. The key was to land somewhere in between”. Just do it A controversial suggestion but it seems that sometimes it’s worth just getting on with sex even when you don’t particularly feel like it. The book claims that men and women are wired differently, and that sex tends to play a bigger part in men’s lives since they are more easily stimulated by imagery and touch. This may, however, be a generalisation. It may be more useful to look at it as though some people are more easily aroused than others, but that deciding to give it a go can sometimes help you to warm up and get in the mood. However, it’s very important to trust your own instincts and desires. If you try this and it still doesn’t feel right for you, stop. Psychologist Janet Reibstein suggests seeing it a bit like exercise – it can start off as a physical effort but gets better the more you do it. “It’s not wrong if it’s not erotic from the start. [Couples] should never blame [each other] for that difference between them”. Why it’s worth it Reibstein says that some people only express intimacy through sex – it may even be their main way of expressing love. So, if their partner goes off sex, they feel rejected and unloved. For those people, it might seem like the solution is to have sex outside the relationship, but that won’t stop them from being upset by the lack of intimacy within the relationship. Others prefer to create intimacy by talking and then start to feel like having sex because of the intimacy they have built. When one partner finds it hard to talk, and the other needs this to feel intimate, it can become a vicious circle. What to do if you feel you’re not having enough sex If you and your partner have different levels of sexual desire, you may start to feel that there is not enough sex in your relationship. The onus is on both partners to recognise each other’s sexual language, but either of you can take responsibility for starting the conversation. However the conversation starts, it’s important that you both recognise and accept the differences in your sexual desires and, rather than seeing that difference as rejection, enter into each other’s language. That can mean talking, and creating a mood of intimacy, and working to fulfil each other’s needs, as well as your own. References Suzi Godson: www.suzigodson.com Donnelly, D., and Burgess, E. (2008). The decision to remain in an involuntarily celibate relationship. Journal of Marriage and Family 70(2):519-535. Sex and the Psyche: The Truth About Our Most Secret Fantasies, by Bret Kahr, Senior Clinical Research Fellow in Psychotherapy and Mental Health at the Centre for Child Mental Health in London, and Honorary Visiting Professor in the School of Arts at Roehampton University
Article | intimacy
5 min read
“Is my husband gay?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been with my husband for 12 years since we were 18 and 20. About 6 months ago whilst pregnant I accidentally found some internet history that showed my husband was viewing gay porn. I found it on 2 occasions on 2 separate devices. I immediately freaked out thinking our whole life was a lie and he was actually gay using me as a cover or whatever. I confronted him and he said he was embarrassed and assured me he wasn't gay and loved me etc. I forgot about it until recently I stumbled across it again. I'm started to question our relationship and now feel super anxious about it and worried he will later decide he doesn't want to be with me and I'll be a single mum with 2 kids. I've spoken to him about how I feel and he again reassures me he is not gay and loves me and wants to grow old with me etc. I just can't shake the thoughts. It's constantly on my mind and started to affect the relationship and my parenting as I feel constantly distracted. I've had postnatal depression before so not sure if this could be playing a part too in my anxiety or am I right to feel anxious about this. Apart from this he's a loving husband and father who I can't fault otherwise. Please help!
Ask the community | sex, intimacy, sexless
“I'm unsure of my husband”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm unsure of my husband. He had been doing gym for over a yr. I trusted him. End of last year he started a gym class called hiit. There was only girls. I didn't worry at first. He ended up being late once I felt faint. Don't know if this was true or a lie. A few weeks later he came bk from that class and took his wedding ring on two occasions showing me his finger with no ring. I am a person hides my emotions. I had a row on valentines day and cut up his roses. I noticed he txt someone and hid in the toilet (deleting evidence)He said I was paranoid. When I said I don't want him doing this class he gave me an evil glare. My friends think that he is selfish. He liked the class, but i still let him go to ordinary gym. Was he cheating or potentially cheating?. After the row he is only half into me. Now he has problems with work with work load and acting distant. I don't know whether or not to stay or go. He's not wanting sex at the moment due to stress. I was going to walk out on valentines day. Another time he didn't give me much affection I was going to have a break had my bag packed and toothpaste brush I was going to stay in a hotel for a few nights but he stopped me he was more affectionate for a few days. I have two young children. I don't know what to do! I love him but i don't like the changed him. I had tummy pains he never cuddled me one day. What is wrong with him.
Ask the community | sex, intimacy, sexless
“Lack of intimacy”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my husband for 18 years. Our sex life wasn't great but it was enough at the time. After being rejected by him when I tried to initiate sex I stopped trying. When we decided to have our daughter we had sex only a handful of times. After she was born it stopped, that was 10 years ago. Last year I met a guy at work, I felt great and it boosted my confidence as my marriage was a sham. I did have sex with the guy as I wanted to know if I still had a desire for sex, which I did. After this happened I went to councilling as I was so confused, she gave me the strength to confront my husband and ask him why he didn't want to have sex with me. When I talked to my husband about it he said it was my moods that turned him off wanting to have sex with me. I explained my moods were the result of him not showing me any affection which has led to a vicious circle. We both agreed to try which we did for a few months. We did have sex however he struggled to maintain an erection and could not ejaculate. This upset me as I felt I wasn't enough for him I told him this and he said I was. After this I stopped initiating sex as I wanted to see if my husband would try, that was 6 months ago and he hasn't tried. I am now at the stage I don't know what to do as if I talk to him again he will agree to try but will then do nothing. Having sex with the guy at work made me realise that I need to have a sex life but I'm not sure my husband does!
Ask the community | intimacy, sex, sexless, someone else
“He cheated, asked me to forgive, no more sex since”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So my title is the problem in short, one year ago my boyfriend, since 7 years, had an affair for 5 months with a girl , much younger than him, I found out because I got suspicious because suddenly he always was too tired to have sex with me, even just once a month was not happening, while we were trying to conceive... so then one day my intuition said; check his bag, and I found a long love letter, from a her to him, talking about love, the last phrases were saying that; " there is nothing wrong with telling someone you love them, but that sometimes people are too shy to tell them like wise " ... I confronted him with the letter and then he did admit that he was having an affair and he said he had feelings for this girl, but never told her he loved her and that what was written in the letter was all a "citation" from a book and that because she is so much younger then him, he was never thinking of leaving me for her. He said that it had happened because he was very stressed, under a lot of pressure, felt not understood by me and was not happy with our sex life, which for me was quite a surprise because I had asked him for months, what was going on, why he didn't feel like having sex anymore and he always replied that he was under a lot of stress at work and just very tired ... He asked me to forgive him, he didn't want to break up and he did want to build a family with me, so I stayed, I told myself that I would give it some months to understand how I felt and what to do, I am 38 years old ( he is 45 ) and we were looking for a bigger house to buy and trying to make a baby, it was a serious relationship that I didn't want to give up, so now we are almost 1 year further, a very difficult year for me, he is a doctor and works 12 hours a day , this last year he has worked 14 hours a day, included Sundays, so instead of working on our private life, he gave all his energy and more time to his work.. He has not taken any initiative to pick up our sex life, he said that while having his affair, he understood that he was missing things, that what he needs in our relationship, is me taking initiatives to have sex, though when he comes home he always says he is too tired to talk , just wants to eat and sleep, when I only put a hand on his lab, he pulls away or finds a reason to stand up and go to his phone or toilet or needs to check his agenda ... , so I tried to be understanding that he is tired and stressed and not putting more pressure on him, but then he says I don't take initiatives ... and after learning about the affair, I also think , that it is him that should show me that he wants me .. To make the story complete, a while before finding out about his affair, I also found viagra pills in his wallet, ( which started my suspicion ), I confronted him with it and he said; that because he was so tired and stressed out, he just felt more secure with having them with him, just incase ... Now, after the affair, he says that because I've found out about the viagra, he just doesn't feel comfortable with me, knowing that he might have taken viagra to have sex, that me knowing this, takes away his desire to have sex, because I might question if he really desires me or if it's the viagra talking.. I have made some harsh comments about the viagra, I felt hurt and very insecure about it, he was only willing to having sex with me once or twice a month ( when I was ovulating, as we were trying to conceive ), and he needed viagra to make that happen, it made me think he didn't find me attractive enough, I made it all about me, instead of trying to understand him better .. So now we are not having any sex since a year, we are not looking for a house anymore, all the serious future projects are off the table, he is working more then he ever did, we are kind of ok as long as we don't talk about all the serious things, but at least twice a month ( while I'm ovulating or before my period ) I really need to talk about it and his way of dealing with it is avoiding it and when I bring it up, he says I'm not understanding his needs and issues, that he does desires to have a family, that he is not seeing that girl anymore but that he feels blocked ... Anyone who went through something similar, any advice about what to do?
User article | sexless, confidence, cheating
“Should I continue to see her?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello everyone, I have never posted anything like this, nor have I thought about reaching out to anyone beyond my family an friends. However, I feel like it would be good to get some advice from this community. First, a bit of background. My girlfriend and I have been going out for over two years now and we met in high-school. We are both 19, in post-secondary education and living at our parents' house. These last two years have been amazing with her because I have never loved someone as much as I do her, and we have brought so much happiness into each others' lives. Anyways, its isn't all sunshine and rainbows. We fight. About the same problems over again and it has led to her doubting the existence of the relationship. There have been six major "doubts" over the course of two years where a minor break in the form of a "cold-shoulder" for a few days, or an actual relationship "break" would occur for longer. On February 12th, she actually broke up with me. Told me it was over because of the same problems I have heard so many times: I occasionally act "too immature" and "annoying". This led her to breaking up with me and suggest we be strictly be friends. A week later of being not distant friends, she wants to get back together because i quote: "[I] am the only thing that makes her happy". She hates being just friends and I hate being tossed around from dating, to a break, to back to dating, to back to a break. I need some advice on what do to because 1) it is so hard to say no and disappoint her (because she is a crier), and 2) I want a healthy relationship and I am not sure how healthy an on-off relationship is. Thank you so much!! Please ask lots of questions to clarify anything and let me know what I should do! So far I have told her I need time to think about getting back together. I AM TORN AHH.
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“23 and uninterested in sex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been with my boyfriend for 4 great years. We've been living together with his dad for 3 years now. When we first started dating I was 19 and he was 21. We would really only see each other on weekends or days off during the week. I moved in with him and his father due to an family issue I had with my parents. Through all of this we had a really healthy sex life. Shortly after our relationship began I went on the pill so we could stop using condoms as it seemed I had a mild allergy to them. Our sex life was strong and healthy up until probably a year ago. I started to lose interest in sex. And anything to do with sex. I didn't care to be touched or caressed, didn't care to make out or as my boyfriend calls it explore each other. Looking back, it's not that I lost interest in having sexual relations with my boyfriend, I realised I didn't care to find other men attractive or even have a desire to be with another man. I've had a history with depression. I've thought it may play a role in this. But even when I know my depression isn't with me I still don't have a drive. My boyfriend and I looked into maybe I lost interest in sex because I wasn't keeping physically active. So I started going to yoga and it hasn't increased my drive. I don't have a lot of stress going on in my life. My boyfriend means everything to me and I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and one day have a family. But right now, it's a tough road. I know it hurts him when I tell him I'm not interested in sex, or he goes to touch me and I brush him off. I've considered it maybe being my birth control and do have an appointment made for next week to see my doctor. I just don't know what to do and it sucks knowing this may be the reason our relationship starts to break apart. Any advice is much appreciated!
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“Feel lost and unwanted, need advice”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Ugh where do I start! Just want to say I'm so grateful to find a page where I can express myself without going to a therapist. So this might be long but I promise I have a point and I really need advice. So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years, talking for 3 years and living for one year together. SO at the beginning of our relationship as usual for many is, soft sweet, effort , sexy and loving. So here's my main issue almost 3 years later. My man is a humble guy. He doesn't like romance, lovey dovey or affection as much. But in the beginning he did. My man doesn't have a high sex drive like I do ! BOOM! I said it ! Now lets approach the problem. I LOVE affection , attention and effort and this my friend he is lacking lately. Now we have spoken about it for awhile since we moved in a year ago. We barely have sex now, it's once in a while type of thing, its starting to become a JOB! I swear ! I get controlling as well and lead on but damn I want to be treated like he wants me as well! He doesn't want to have sex around house , he doesn't like head on the spot, he doesn't like to try new things. Its like bust a nut boom go to sleep. And I'm a freak so yea ..... Now! I have an issue with this because we used to be jack rabbits in the beginning and he made me feel so good (Loving wise, sexy , and wanted in when we wasn't living together ). Now that we are its boring. No flowers, no gifts no love, barely sex. All he wants to do is smoke and chill after work (which is understandable he has a active job) But c'mon , I'm tired too, not to mention I am a mother, I have to cook, clean, make sure things are good in the house, work and deal with this mentally. So I'm tired too but how come I always want him. I crave him , I want him to have sex with me like he actually wants it! You know, that type of fifty shades crap! Little by little things he does is urking me now. and I get turned off so easily by anything. Him not brushing his teeth before bed yuck I don't want kiss him like how I used to, him leaving a mess in house, or him just tired all the time. Now for your mental info we have spoken about this shit always, and it wasn't till recently I had a mental break down. I couldn't take it anymore! Why can't the man I love show me affection and love? Why can't he have sex with me like he actually wants me? One time he yelled in an argument "I'M NOT THE ROMEO TYPE". I was like what the hell??! lol I don't want no soft guy like Romeo but damn I'm a hopeless romantic , give me something. It's likes we're roommates. And my daughter loves this man and sometimes I feel it's a job for him with that too, showing her love and affection. At times I'm like what have I done? Am I less attractive? Is he too comfortable? I'm feeling insecure now. I don't want to force a man to love me or have sex with me. I feel it's not natural to force someone to show love and affection the way you want them. It should be equal. Well you get the point, I'm tired of typing, lol. Please help.
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“Friend with benefits advice needed ASAP!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I didn't know where to post, so since my relationship is based on sex, here goes. I have a FWB who I really like. I think we are exclusive, text eachother every day (till I said we shouldn't) and have been fwb for about 6 weeks. We get along great. A couple of weeks ago I broke it off with him because I wanted more. A few days later called him up and asked if we could try again (FWB), provided he leave after & we don't text as often. I didn't want to get too attached and end up broken hearted, but changed my mind because I decided I am not ready for a serious relationship anyway. Yesterday he came over, but my 3 year old wouldn't sleep so after he waited for an hour, we decided to call it off & get together another night. I thought my kid was sick but she's not. So I want to ask him over tonight. Now I have always done the asking and he already drove quite aways to get here and back last night let alone the hour wait... But I really want to see him. I think about him alot and don't know if this can ever be more... in the meantime, should I ask him to come over again tonight or wait for him to ask? I don't drive so I have him here which is why I do the asking... But I don't want to seem desperate either.
Ask the community | sex
“No sex is affecting my self-esteem”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  (I'd like to apologize in advance for this being so long. There's just a lot of background information that I think is important because I feel like some parts of my story are unique; I've been doing a lot of internet research, and I've haven't found someone in a similar position.) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 and 1/2 years, and we've been living together for almost a year and half. We started having sex about 2 and 1/2 years ago. The core problem is that I feel like we don't have sex very often and it makes me feel bad. For the most part, this has been true our entire relationship. As soon as we started having sex (about 9 months after we started dating), the frequency of intimate activity dropped dramatically; when we were still fooling around (and virgins), he would want to do something 3 or 4 times a week. Now, we'll have sex/fool around/anything maybe once or twice a month. It makes me feel unwanted, fat, and ugly. My self-esteem is in the tank. Also, because I've talked to him about this so many times, now I feel kind of dirty or wrong for wanting to have sex. And, I feel helpless because, in my eyes, I can't do anything about it. He has always been the one to initiate sex. I became too discouraged to try anymore a long time ago because he either doesn't notice when I'm trying to initiate or (when he does notice) he doesn't want to have sex. I've tried every trick in the book to turn him on, but it doesn't matter. The one time I managed to initiate he couldn't perform. So, we only have sex when he wants to, and as a result, I feel like I can't even turn him on, which makes me feel worse. He doesn't feel bad about the lack of sex. I'm not sure if he doesn't notice it, or if he doesn't need it. He says he doesn't often masturbate, and I know he doesn't look at porn. He's so busy that he usually just stays home with me, so I know he's not having an affair either. Whenever I've talked to him about it, he's never given me a reason for not wanting to have sex. Once he explained that he feels a little self-conscious because things don't always .... "work" for me easily. I've told him that I don't care and that I just wish he would show me that he loves me and finds me sexually desirable (since he doesn't tell me that I'm pretty), but it doesn't matter. To me, it's not a physical need but an emotional one. To make things worse, the reason why I'm so hard to turn on is because I don't ever expect him to follow through. He likes to "tease" me, doing the same types of things he does when he wants to have sex but not follow through. He says he needs to touch me to get turned on, but that everything shouldn't have to lead to sex, so I shouldn't worry about it. But, I can't help but feel like he doesn't want me anymore when he touches me and doesn't get turned on. So, I don't know what to do. I can't remember the last time we had sex, and I'm starting to resent him. He tried to get us to have sex a couple of weeks ago, but I was still half-asleep, and he didn't even try to make things work for me. I feel like he's becoming a selfish lover, only concerned about his needs, which was never true before. I'm desperate. I can't go through the pain and humiliation of talking to him again. I've been trying recently, and I can't get him to have sex with me either. Since I clean up after him and take care of him (which is another story), I feel like a roommate or a mother, not a girlfriend. The whole situation makes me feel terrible about myself, and the plain truth is, we're not really that compatible in terms of our interests, hobbies, etc. either. I'm starting to question whether or not I can be with him for the rest of my life, which has always been the plan. What should I do?
Ask the community | sexless, confidence
“My wife only gives me oral sex, nothing else“
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   We've been married over ten years. We love each other. Everything else is really really good. We get along, we laugh, we spend time together. We're literally soul mates.The wife will give me a bj a couple times a week and she is really really good at it. There are no problems here. I'll admit I have a really high libido, I'm strongly in the mood at least once every day but usually twice. I'm really happy with activity every day though, but our average frequency is more like every other day... unless something crazy comes up. Sometimes it's every day if things are going really good (low stress times). But again, I'm ok with every other day. I don't really enjoy masturbating any more because I would just prefer her. I do not look at porn either, no interest in that at all. No interest in other women either. She has told me she is horny about once a day. If she hugs me with any sexuality at all it's an instant erection. She likes how she makes me excited so easily. She told me it makes her feel confident and know that I'm attracted to her, which is an understatement. She's very very attractive too. She has people come up to her and flirt all the time. Here's the problem. This has been going on for quite a while now. She rarely kisses me more then 10 seconds. She may let me kiss her neck and breasts, but lips... not much. She'll let me touch her body everywhere... except her vagina. That's very very rare. And if she does let me touch there it's for less then a minute. And she will not, under any circumstances, have intercourse with me. Ever. I have talked to her about it... ALOT, and she says my size scares her... that it hurts her. I don't think I'm a monster down there. I'm about 8" depending on how excited I am. Interestingly, if I masturbate it's barely 6 inches... She's the only thing that excites me really. She has also told me I am bigger now then when we met... she might be right because I swear I used to be about 7 before, and it seems bigger. When she does oral on me I might be a little over 8 sometimes at the peak of it right before I finish when it's really intense. She also says she literally loves giving me bjs, she really enjoys it and I don't think she is lying. She also tells me it's enough pleasure for her just doing that for me. If I say I want to thrust more (I say it other ways, many other ways, dirty or sweet or clean or naughty whatever)... anyways, if I say I want to thrust more, implying I want to have intercourse, she'll let me do it orally instead. Even kinda rough and deep, whatever I want orally just no intercourse. I prefer the feeling of being completely inside whenever we do things and she can do that (deep throat) almost all the way, almost the whole time she gives me oral. When it comes to oral she does it almost anyway I want it. With oral, she will do almost anything I want. That isn't a problem at all. She is just worried I will want the same kind of feeling with intercourse, but I told her I would control myself and not try to push it in like that all way. She says she will eventually try it (we have before, we used to all the time), but she's been saying that for months now. I think it is the combination of lack of affection and no intercourse that is really bothering me. If it was just the no sex, but we kissed a lot more I might accept her reasons. If we had sex and didn't kiss I'd probably still be worried. If she let me pleasure her down there and we kissed I'd believe her reasons. Unfortunately, it's all three... little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I'm sorry if this is coming across pornographic that's not my intention I assure you. Everything else I've read is always men saying they cannot get any oral sex or any sex at all... One thing I read was a guy saying his wife constantly gave him oral all the time, but maybe that was a joke. I'm wondering if there are people who are going to say I'm really lucky that the only thing I have to do in my sex life is get incredible oral sex almost every other day. Maybe I am? I'm just really bothered by what is NOT happening. I want to be intimate with my wife again. I tell her, we talk about it. She assures me it's just my size that scares her. That it will hurt, but I say I'll be as gentle as I can be. She always open to doing the bjs as described above, no problem. But never anything else... again: little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I do try to do these other things often... very often. But I'm always pushed away in one form or another. I'm really bothered by this. Am I crazy? Do I actually have it really good and I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too here? Should I worry? Why do you think things are like this? Does anyone have experience with this? Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I need to hear how I should quit complaining? Maybe I need to hear what people think is wrong here?  Oh, and sorry for the novel of a post. I felt I really needed to spell it all out honestly to the random people on the Internet.
Ask the community | sexless, intimacy
“Caught my partner watching porn”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I dont know what hurt me the most. The fact i thought i knew him and thought he wasnt like that, the fact he KNOWS i dont like it and ive told him it would really hurt me or the fact he told me not to come round and pick him up and instead he'd wait for the car and meet me at mine in an hour (well now i no why he didn't want me to turn up!) Walking in on him last week really shocked me. His face when he slammed his laptop down and ran to the door and almost stopped me from coming in was wierd!! And i am SUCH a fool! Immediatly i thought porn but even though he had no pants on i still reminded myself not to assume as ironically its our 1 year anniversary next week n i thought he may be booking something. Ha!! Anyway, i asked him if it was good (i was actually only joking as i didnt see the toilet roll until after id asked it) n he said no not really n i nearly broke down in tears. Anyhow long story short i stormed out n drove home with my phone in my bag assuming he'd be ringin or txtin asking why i left but NOTHING. It took me 20-25minutes to get home n then wen he did txt he had a go at me!!! So when i phoned him (really upset and shouting) he initially said he did it for me. Later when he admitted he didnt know why he did it i then got him to admit that actually he was lieing about "doing it for me". He claims he cant remember me telling him how much it would hurt me and says its the first time he's ever done it. However im finding it hard to believe that its such a coincidence that the first time he does it since being with me is the time i walk in on him doing it. I dont know what to do. Its our anniversary on Friday n ive only just started being able to put my arms round him n let him get close in bed and kissing and this happened last wednesday! We have good sex n he does very nice things for me but the fact he obviously doesnt listen to me or care about my feelings means i'm struggling to get over it. How can i trust he wont do it again?? Please help!
Ask the community | pornography, trust
“My girlfriend isn't sexually active”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi, I'm a 25 year old man with some issues with my girlfriend. I'm posting here because I don't know if I'm crazy or if my girlfriend is. Or maybe we both are. I'm a deployed vet of 2011 and before then I was single for roughly 2 years and had not had sex in that long until January 2012 when I met my current girlfriend. We used to have sex so often it was great. I started working my old job that I had before I deployed and even as hard as it was I always made time for sex. I know that in some people they become "too tired" from work to have sex but I'm not one of those people. I still find her to be the love of my life and every day she comes home from work I'm so happy to see her. I always figure she'll want to lay with me and talk, kiss, and eventually have sex but lately this just hasn't been the case. I don't find myself to be too selfish about the sex, I don't beg for it and I try not to get mad, but when it starts being once maybe twice a week I get frustrated, start having trouble sleeping, and I'll even sleep on the couch because when she makes me stop I don't even want to be near her. Now why I think I may be wrong for wanting sex so often is because right now I'm unemployed and looking for a job so while I'm not doing much, so I think about her more and when she finally comes home I just want her, but like I said, even when I was working I wanted her daily. She has complained to me a lot that she is fat, as much as I could tell her she's not. I've heard that women who are insecure of theirselves are less sexual, like they think their man will judge her by that? She does randomly get touchy and grabby and even sexual but it seems to only be while I'm busy on the phone or playing with friends online like she's looking for that thrill. For the past two monts she started playing an mmo videogame she used to play, maybe it was to allow me to play my video games more I don't know, but now that she's playing it again, it just seems to be all she really wants to do is play. I've told her before that I don't like her playing it because it seems to take time away from our relationship but it starts arguments that don't get solved. I guess as couples get older they become less sexual and eventually resort to routine and hobbies to stay busy, I think I'll always want sex. What scares me is that life is so long and I'm only 25 and I want sex this much. How am I supposed to stay with this person when things are already getting rough a year and a half into the relationship? I've had to do things just to keep my mind off her because the last thing I want to do is push her away because of my feelings. I'll go on a drive or mow the lawn or even masterbate when it's been long enough. Also she's shown serious signs that she wants to have kids within the next 2 years and I've told her were not ready, especially with me unemployed. I've seen dozens of guys through google search with my problem and I've even gone on sites where the woman says HE won't have sex with her and its annoying to read that there are so many people refusing sex. I'm nearly 100 percent certain she isn't cheating and fulfilling her sexual needs elsewhere because she told me from the very beginning that she is a bit clingy and gets attached easily which I was ok with. I know her complete work schedule and I know when she's stuck at work for another half hour, were always talking and she nearly never gets out with friends and when she does she tells me. I feel like she's just happy touching me randomly and giving me only a couple kisses here and there. She spends almost all her time playing her game and I feel like she doesn't need me anymore. I haven't really served a purpose to her lately. It is weird though, whenever I'm gone for the night she tells me she misses me and she'll even send me nude pictures through text. This is probably all jumbled and confusing but I'm tired and can't sleep, I'm hoping someone can help me. Just an hour ago she turned me down so I got frustrated when she turned me down and fell asleep, and I came to this website. I've read that simply ignoring your girlfriend will frustrate her and make her more likely to have sex with you but I don't want to play stupid games to get what I want and I don't want to make her miserable just to get sex. There are people out there who complain that they get sex from their partner now only 1 or 2 times a month. I'd go insane or leave her. Someone help me.
Ask the community | sexless
“My man has low sex drive, but looks at porn”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hey everyone I'm having a tough time with this lately, and I would appreciate any constructive input you may have. I've been with my man for four years now and we recently got engaged a few months ago. Our first year together our sex life was great and frequent, but beyond that it has pretty much fallen off the map. I've brought it up to him a few times, keeping my cool but still showing my concern. He claims his libido is low, and that often he's tired, his body can't get to that point of intimacy, etc. I've been the one to try and initiate, but 99% of the time it goes nowhere. Needless to say I'm very frustrated. I'm 24 and he is 36. I don't want to seem like I'm being pushy with the whole situation, but it seems that nothing ever happens. He really doesn't cuddle/spoon/etc. all that much either. I know sex isn't the end-all, be-all of a relationship, but it shouldn't disappear and should be a part of a healthy loving relationship. So I've been (hopefully understandably) concerned for a while now. Just to give you an idea, we've only done it four times in the past two years. Yikes, I know. Sometimes I don't know how I've dealt with it. I believe I have been beyond patient what any normal person should. He has a nice demeanor and laid back personality, but I've learned that a lot of things are "all about him" and talking to him about my issues can be like talking to a brick wall (I feel like I don't get anywhere), so the whole scenario is very confusing. That being said, I began to suspect he wasn't telling me everything. I've learned of his lies before, so lying wasn't out of the question. So a couple months ago (after dry spells with no end in sight), I looked in his phone history and bam. There it was. Porn. Son of a bitch. I began to shake and lost my appetite. And I cried too (still do sometimes). When your partner makes excuses why there is no intimacy and it seems that they don't even try, then you find out they've been looking at porn all along, it just hits you like a ton of bricks. It's pretty much a slap in the face. Last night, I was so worked up about it that I finally decided to ask him. I stayed calm and took the route of giving him a chance to come clean (if he was into porn, not sounding confronting or accusatory), hoping he would see I was keeping it low key and that he could talk to me about it and how it makes me feel. He knows I don't like that stuff and he's said he isn't into it either. But I sat there and pretty much teared up inside as he lied straight to my face. Funny thing is, among the things he said in our discussion about porn, he said "If someone feels they need to hide something like that, they probably shouldn't be doing it in the first place" and that it would be disrespecting to their partner to lie about it (among other things like that). Hmmmm... So I went to sleep last night absolutely broken up that he felt perfectly comfortable lying to me about this issue. He said I should be able to trust him, but I really can't now. I feel like my next step would just to flat out tell him that I know, that last night was the calm before the storm. I'm setting myself up for him to be extremely pissy and defensive, but being as he lied about it I don't think he has anyone to blame but himself. Well I could go on longer about this, but I guess I'll stop there for now. I actually could hardly sleep last night having watched the man I love fabricate that elaborate lie right in front of me (he's very articulate and very believable if you don't know any better). Running off my frappuccino right now, hopefully I'll sleep a little better tonight. I don't agree with porn in my relationship and he knows and has said he feels the same way. When it pretty much replaces the sex, that is crossing the line. I can't help but feel I've lost part of him.
Ask the community | sexless, pornography, rejection
“My boyfriend isn't physically intimate”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm really hoping someone can give me some kind of input on a situation in my relationship that feel completely at a loss about. We've been together nearly three years (I am 30, he is almost 40). Compared to my previous relationships I've always found our sex life a little odd. With my previous boyfriends we always did it at least a few times a week, they would never turn me down, would pester me for sex when I didn't want to - and they always seemed happy to be doing it. I have a wonderful, close and loving relationship with my current boyfriend. But there is a real issue with sexual intimacy - I've been teling myself that it's a minor thing and I can deal with it, but the truth is that it's starting to become a problem. Even when we first started seing each other We only had sex occasionally, it was always me that initiated it, and whilst we were doing it he honestly never seemed to be enjoying it that much. He would get an erection without much trouble, but never seemd to "lose himself" like I'm used to guys doing, and he would never ejaculate inside me - he would always have to finish himself off by masturbating. once made him climax thrugh oral sex and he said that was "the first tim that's ever happened". The situation now is that we hardly ever do it at all, which he seems unbothered by - he'd rather we spent time togethher watching films, or talking, or hanging out with other frieds - which is fine, but sometimes I crave phyical intimacy. I have tried all sorts of things to address this: I asked him what he would like to do in bed, but he just answered that what we do is fine. I have tried to speak to him aboout the issue, aware that I need to be sensitive about it, but he always seems to find a way too change the subject, or laugh it off, or act like he doesn't get what I'm talking about. I've suggested a bit of roleplay or bondage or some other games - but he says he's "not into that". I have loads of sexy lingerie but he doesn't seem excited by it. I even bought chocolate body paintonce and he just ate it on toast! Food excites him more than I do! I don't think there's any problem with my technique, as my previous partners always seemed more than happy with it, I've learned some good tricks over the years if I do say so myself! Even if there is a problem, I can't get him to tell me. The only things that do seem to excite him sexually is pictures of certain celebrity women (not porn, he doesn't seem to like actual porn, just pictures of them in short skirts, lingerie etc or just films with certain actresses). I don't see how I can cater for that as I can't make myself look like Katy Perry if I just don't! At least if he was watching porn I could try and copy some of the scenarios! But it just seems to be about looking at beautiful women. He also enjoys going to lapdance clubs on stag nights with friends - but when I tried to do a lapdance for him he just laughed at me and said: "What are you doing?!" It all seems to be about looking at women, rather than actually having sex with them. I do feel I look as good as I can do - I used to model part time until a couple of years ago, I workout regularly, eat healthy, look after my skin and hair etc, get chatted up by other men, so I think I'm probably OK looking (small chest but that's another issue)!, He tells me he thinks I'm attractive and compliments my looks a lot, so logically I guess he must find me attractive on some level, though the fact he isn't affected in any way by the sight of me in lingerie and stockings does make me feel a little unattractive. I've got to the point where I really need a second opinion because I'm at a complete loss of what to do.I feel quite upset because I love him, and our relationship is so good in every other way - we can talk honestly about anything except this. I feel like I'm failing somehow because I can't help him to enjoy a sexual relationship. I love him, but I really miss having someone who couldn't keep their hands off me,and who loved having sex with me. I feel like having that intimacy would make our relationship complete - but as it is, we're floundering. Does anyone have any ideas - I feel like I've tried everything. Even if I could get him to properly engage in a conversation about sex that would be a start!
Ask the community | intimacy, sex
“Boyfriend gets mad that I don’t initiate sex“
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My boyfriend and I have been friends since we were 12 (20 years) and have been dating for the past 2 ½ years. In the time we’ve been together, he has rejected my sexual advances EVERY TIME except once. I take it bad and am unable to try again for months when this happens, all the while he gets upset saying he is tired of always initiating sex, and wants me to do it too. I tell him I can’t because every time I get the courage back up to do it, I’m rejected (he’s too tired, had a stressful day, has to get up early, etc.) and as result, I don’t have the self-esteem or courage to try again for a while… the whole cycle starts over once I do try. When I get upset about being rejected, he tells me I’m trying to make him feel guilty and/or start drama (which is NOT the case, drama was not the outcome I wanted – sex was!) and we end up in a fight over it. Then he doesn’t touch me for days/weeks and says it is because the fighting/drama turned him off. So, we only have sex when he feels like it, he wants me to initiate, I get rejected every time I do, so I rarely try… repeated for 2 ½ years now. It has taken a major toll on my self-esteem/sexuality. I’m starting to think it’s a control issue on his part… thoughts? Ideas to break the cycle? I should have been more clear that we have a good sex life... He just initiates it every time. We don't go at each other twice a day like we did the first year, more like 2-3 times a week, and he is very touchy/affectionate with me but if I happen to be in the mood and try to initiate something, he always has an excuse not to do it. He was all over me Wed., Fri., & Sat. But this morning, I tried to start something and he there wasn't time (there was time for a quicky!) if it had been the same time, on the same day, but he was the one initiating, he would have made time. If he didnt complain that I never initiate sex, I would think he just prefers to be the one who starts it. I've also thought that maybe he enjoys turning me down. What I don't understand is, if he wants me to start it, why turn me down when I do, insuring I won't have the courage to try again for months? He just says I have bad timing and i should try more so I catch him at the right time (by right time, he means the right time for him). It's so frustrating. 
Ask the community | sex, rejection