Parenting through Rise-filtered glasses
As a new parent, you might find yourself cut off from some of your usual social outlets, stuck at home for long stretches of time with only the baby for company. At this time, family and friends can be more important than ever, providing support and advice to boost your confidence and help get you through the tougher days. If your friends and family live far away, or if you don’t have face-to-face access, online social media can help you and your partner feel more connected to the outside world. Emotional support and positive feedback from other parents can also be invaluable as you figure things out [1] [2]. Social media can give you access to this, but it also helps you stay in touch with old friends who keep you connected to the parts of your life outside your parenting role [3]. Beating loneliness with online social interaction Your baby is always going to be your first priority, but these other social connections are important. As humans, we need to have meaningful relationships with each other – when we disconnect socially it can affect our health, making us more stressed and more likely to get sick, and affecting our sleep and concentration [3]. Social media can help you feel less isolated but it’s important to pay attention to the way you use it. Parents who actively engage with friends on social media tend to feel less stressed and more positive about their role as parents [2] but people who just spend more time on social media without engaging tend to feel more isolated, not less [3]. The difference here is between use and interaction. We’ve all spent time staring into our phones, refreshing our social media feeds in the hope that something new will come up. But this isn’t going to help you feel more connected when you’re knee-deep in baby wipes waiting for your partner to come home. You’ve got to reach out and engage with people if you want to experience the positive effects of social media. Turning off the filters It’s also important to keep some perspective on what you see through the lens of social media. We all know that Facebook life isn’t real life, and that nobody ever looks as good as they do on Instagram, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of seeing things through Rise-filtered glasses and believing everybody on social media is having a better time than you.  If social media is your only window into your friends’ lives, you might start thinking they are living happier, more connected lives than you [3]. Try to remember that you’re only seeing an edited glimpse of what your friends want the rest of the world to see. When your social networks start making you feel worse instead of better, take a step back and have a think about who you could reach out to for a chat. It’s the social aspect of social networks that’s valuable, so the next time you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through posts, send a message instead – ask for advice, vent your feelings, or just tell someone a funny story about your day. The empathy, advice and humour that you come across online can give you a life-affirming confidence boost and make you feel better about how you’re getting on as a parent [4]. You might even want to start by making a post here on Click.   References [1] Madge C., O’Connor H. (2006). Parenting gone wired: Empowerment of new mothers on the Internet? Social and Cultural Geography, 7, 199–220.[2] Bartholomew, M. K., Schoppe‐Sullivan, S. J., Glassman, M., Kamp Dush, C. M., & Sullivan, J. M. (2012). New parents' Facebook use at the transition to parenthood. Family relations, 61(3), 455-469.[3] Primack, B.A. et al (2017) Social Media Use and Perceived Social Isolation Among Young Adults in the U.S. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 53(1), 1-8.[4] Fletcher, R., & St. George, J. (2011). Heading into fatherhood—nervously: Support for fathering from online dads. Qualitative Health Research, 21(8), 1101-1114.
Article | social media, parenting
6 min read
Coping with relationship stress
When stress interrupts your life, it can affect everything. It can make you more anxious and irritable, affecting your attitude, your energy levels, and the way you communicate. The person most likely to take the brunt of it is your partner, especially if your time and energy are being taken up dealing with whatever is causing your stress [1]. Types of stress To help you deal with stress in your relationship, it can be useful to know whether it’s internal or external stress. Internal stress. This is stress that comes from the relationship itself – like when you and your partner have clashing habits, or different ideas about where you want things to go [2]. External stress. This is stress that comes from outside your relationship – things like work and study, finances, family dramas, or just wondering how to fit everything in [2]. External stress can still affect your relationship even when it’s not directly connected [2]. It can affect your communication skills and may make it harder for you to work together to deal with internal stress. Tackling external stress can therefore help you feel happier about your relationship [3] and set you up to work better together as a couple. Coping with stress together External stress might sound like something you have to cope with alone, but it doesn’t have to be. When you’re in a relationship, you share more with your partner than you might be aware of, including the way you manage stress [4]. We know all the old platitudes – a problem shared is a friend in need (or something like that) – but there’s actually evidence to suggest that couples go through a process known as shared coping [4]. Picture this: You get stressed. Your partner picks up on your stress and tries to help. You notice that you are being supported. If it works, you start to feel better. Coping with stress becomes a shared process where you both put energy into making sure each other are OK. As well as helping you both feel better in general, working through stress as a couple can strengthen feelings of closeness and trust in your relationship [4]. If you’re not convinced, here’s something you can try. Think back to a time when your partner successfully helped you through a stressful experience: What was causing the stress? How was the stress affecting you? What practical help did your partner offer? What emotional support did your partner offer? How was the stressful situation resolved? What was it about your partner’s support that helped you feel better? You might also want to think about times when you’ve been able to support your partner and how this has felt. Reflecting on what has worked in the past can remind you that you are capable of overcoming stress, even if it’s hard to see a way forward at the time. You can use this to help figure out what to do when future bumps or stresses come along. How stress can improve your relationship Relationships are at their most vulnerable during stressful life events like losing a job or the death of a parent; and big changes like moving in together or having a baby. During these times, it’s more common for stress to spill over into your relationship [5]. The good news is that you can develop your coping skills over time and get better at handling stress. Couples who handle smaller stresses at the beginning of their relationships are more likely to cope better when the bigger things come up [5]. When you deal with stress, no matter how small, you’re building your resilience and learning positive relationship skills. Over time, you’ll become more confident about using these skills to conquer whatever life throws at you [5]. You may not be immune to stress, but you’ll be more likely to have a sturdy relationship in which to sail through the storms.   References [1] Randall, Ashley K, and Guy Bodenmann. 2017. ‘Stress and Its Associations with Relationship Satisfaction’. Current Opinion in Psychology, Relationships and stress, 13 (February): 96–106. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.05.010. [2] Randall, Ashley K., and Guy Bodenmann. 2009. ‘The Role of Stress on Close Relationships and Marital Satisfaction’. Clinical Psychology Review 29 (2): 105–15. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2008.10.004. [3] Ledermann, Thomas, Guy Bodenmann, Myriam Rudaz, and Thomas N. Bradbury. 2010. ‘Stress, Communication, and Marital Quality in Couples’. Family Relations 59 (2): 195–206. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00595.x. [4] Donato, Silvia, Miriam Parise, Raffaella Iafrate, Anna Bertoni, Catrin Finkenauer, and Guy Bodenmann. 2015. ‘Dyadic Coping Responses and Partners’ Perceptions for Couple Satisfaction: An Actor–partner Interdependence Analysis’. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships 32 (5): 580–600. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407514541071. [5] Neff, L.A., Broady, E.F. (2011). Stress resilience in early marriage: Can practice make perfect? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, DOI: 10.1037/a0023809
Article | stress, communication
4 min read
“Lack of intimacy”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my husband for 18 years. Our sex life wasn't great but it was enough at the time. After being rejected by him when I tried to initiate sex I stopped trying. When we decided to have our daughter we had sex only a handful of times. After she was born it stopped, that was 10 years ago. Last year I met a guy at work, I felt great and it boosted my confidence as my marriage was a sham. I did have sex with the guy as I wanted to know if I still had a desire for sex, which I did. After this happened I went to councilling as I was so confused, she gave me the strength to confront my husband and ask him why he didn't want to have sex with me. When I talked to my husband about it he said it was my moods that turned him off wanting to have sex with me. I explained my moods were the result of him not showing me any affection which has led to a vicious circle. We both agreed to try which we did for a few months. We did have sex however he struggled to maintain an erection and could not ejaculate. This upset me as I felt I wasn't enough for him I told him this and he said I was. After this I stopped initiating sex as I wanted to see if my husband would try, that was 6 months ago and he hasn't tried. I am now at the stage I don't know what to do as if I talk to him again he will agree to try but will then do nothing. Having sex with the guy at work made me realise that I need to have a sex life but I'm not sure my husband does!
Ask the community | intimacy, sex, sexless, someone else
“He cheated, asked me to forgive, no sex since”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So my title is the problem in short, one year ago my boyfriend, since 7 years, had an affair for 5 months with a girl , much younger than him, I found out because I got suspicious because suddenly he always was too tired to have sex with me, even just once a month was not happening, while we were trying to conceive... so then one day my intuition said; check his bag, and I found a long love letter, from a her to him, talking about love, the last phrases were saying that; " there is nothing wrong with telling someone you love them, but that sometimes people are too shy to tell them like wise " ... I confronted him with the letter and then he did admit that he was having an affair and he said he had feelings for this girl, but never told her he loved her and that what was written in the letter was all a "citation" from a book and that because she is so much younger then him, he was never thinking of leaving me for her. He said that it had happened because he was very stressed, under a lot of pressure, felt not understood by me and was not happy with our sex life, which for me was quite a surprise because I had asked him for months, what was going on, why he didn't feel like having sex anymore and he always replied that he was under a lot of stress at work and just very tired ... He asked me to forgive him, he didn't want to break up and he did want to build a family with me, so I stayed, I told myself that I would give it some months to understand how I felt and what to do, I am 38 years old ( he is 45 ) and we were looking for a bigger house to buy and trying to make a baby, it was a serious relationship that I didn't want to give up, so now we are almost 1 year further, a very difficult year for me, he is a doctor and works 12 hours a day , this last year he has worked 14 hours a day, included Sundays, so instead of working on our private life, he gave all his energy and more time to his work.. He has not taken any initiative to pick up our sex life, he said that while having his affair, he understood that he was missing things, that what he needs in our relationship, is me taking initiatives to have sex, though when he comes home he always says he is too tired to talk , just wants to eat and sleep, when I only put a hand on his lab, he pulls away or finds a reason to stand up and go to his phone or toilet or needs to check his agenda ... , so I tried to be understanding that he is tired and stressed and not putting more pressure on him, but then he says I don't take initiatives ... and after learning about the affair, I also think , that it is him that should show me that he wants me .. To make the story complete, a while before finding out about his affair, I also found viagra pills in his wallet, ( which started my suspicion ), I confronted him with it and he said; that because he was so tired and stressed out, he just felt more secure with having them with him, just incase ... Now, after the affair, he says that because I've found out about the viagra, he just doesn't feel comfortable with me, knowing that he might have taken viagra to have sex, that me knowing this, takes away his desire to have sex, because I might question if he really desires me or if it's the viagra talking.. I have made some harsh comments about the viagra, I felt hurt and very insecure about it, he was only willing to having sex with me once or twice a month ( when I was ovulating, as we were trying to conceive ), and he needed viagra to make that happen, it made me think he didn't find me attractive enough, I made it all about me, instead of trying to understand him better .. So now we are not having any sex since a year, we are not looking for a house anymore, all the serious future projects are off the table, he is working more then he ever did, we are kind of ok as long as we don't talk about all the serious things, but at least twice a month ( while I'm ovulating or before my period ) I really need to talk about it and his way of dealing with it is avoiding it and when I bring it up, he says I'm not understanding his needs and issues, that he does desires to have a family, that he is not seeing that girl anymore but that he feels blocked ... Anyone who went through something similar, any advice about what to do?
User article | sexless, confidence, cheating
“My wife and her stepson”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife of 5 years “hates” my son. Hate probably isn't the accurate description, but she is extremely upset by him. She insists he hates her and the reason their relationship is so bad is because he secretly despises her and wishes she wasn't with me. None of that is true. Accept after years of torment and emotional abuse, he now understandably wishes she wasn't around. I am certain thats because she is pretty much awful to him always. By awful, I mean she doesn't like to see him. She is constantly upset if she sees him on his phone, or watching TV. This is regardless of how long he has been doing either. She unilaterally controls his bedtime, tv, and phone. She won't touch his laundry, and gets angry if he leaves it in the washer or dryer. I don't really have a say in parental discipline. I did get his bedtime moved from 9 to 9:30 which I think is too early for a 15 year old. If he stays up past bedtime even for a few minutes she gets angry and just directs him to "Go to Bed!" Often times she'll send him to bed early because she say's it takes too long for him to get into bed. My son does not protest anything, he internalizes a lot of things when he doesn't think something is fair, that does come out in his body language, which drives my wife crazy. We have three children together. My son is 10 years older than our oldest. I have full, sole, custody of him. His bio mom has abandoned him. My wife wasn't expecting to have him with his since the very beginning of our marriage. I was very nieve and thought because my son was awesome, she wouldn't have a problem with him. He is a very good kid. Of course I'm biased, but he gets decent grades, he is never sick, his teachers give him high praises for his demeanor in class, his coaches go out of their way to tell me how great he is to have on the team. He's always just wanted to be good, being in trouble devestates him. My wife treats close family with contempt. That includes me, my son, her mother, brother, and sister. She gets upset if I don't do things exactly how she wants. She often changes her mind about how she wants things, yet she'll be equally mad if you don't do it her way. While being upset with my son for being on his phone, she's constantly on her phone all day off and on. Chatting with her family, friends etc. Its really sad that I let this go on for so long. I just couldn't understand how she could feel that way about my son. But I'm starting to realize how impossible it would be for a young woman to go from being single to married with a 10 year old. I don't know why but I didn't see how difficult that was at the time. If we had it to do over again, we both agree we should have ended the marriage immediately. I'm at the point now where I am looking at divorce, but I really want to know if there are any cases where something like this was so severe but turned around with therapy, counseling, personal developement, and support. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, and she agreed she needed to go to counseling. She admits that she doesn't know why she gets so angry when she sees something like his plate left in the sink. She knows she wouldn't be like that with our children. But she says it's like a "extremely heavy bag is put on her" and she gets very angry. I have pretty severe depression that I am currently being treated by both medicine and therapy. (Looking into finding a new therapist) I've always had depression, but I do know that she is a major trigger to my depression. When she is angry with my son which is everyday, and when she's angry with me, which sporadic good week bad week kind of thing. I try very hard not to show my son that she is completly in the wrong. But its very difficult and sometimes I have to because he'll be in tears because she just hurt him. She responds with his tears with more anger and saying he's making it up. I'm not unbiased, but I would say its dillusional. I also want to point out, as this is a very one sided comment, I am not exactly the best husband and father. I don't have a high paying stable job, I own my own business. I am occupied by that business nearly all the time. I am always available but I don't volunteer my availability because I have an endless amount of work to do with my business.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Wrong name In bed... multiple times”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife called me by the wrong name during lovemaking. Not sure what to do now. Your thoughts? I'm a forgiving person.  I thought, maybe she was having a one-time fantasy. Hurtful, but after so many years of marriage, kids, trials and tribulations, and our history together, it's a forgivable moment. I got over it in a matter of days. Pretty quick, considering. Nothing has meaning until we give it meaning.  Right?  I chose not to over-think it. Let it go.   A week later, when she called me the wrong name during sex again, I was flabbergasted. Years later, in personal counseling, I told my therapist, "Well, it's not a pattern until it happens three times."  He responded, "In psychology, two is a pattern." That wouldn't matter anyway. After the second time, I was in utter shock.  Yes, one might think I should have immediately confronted her, lashed out, demanded answers. Truth be told, I was dumbstruck.   As I processed the first event, I thought empathetically, she must be highly embarrassed and ashamed anyway. Why rake her over the coals? Assuming that, I felt a sense of justice that she too, must be feeling very badly. As for me, I was even more stunned than the first time. The first time, I reasoned, must have been some utterance, driven, uncontrolled, from the primitive part of her brain. What the hell?!  How could this occur a second time?  Wasn't she so ashamed and embarrassed that she would avoid doing this again?  I didn't know what to make of it.   This time, still stupidly naive, I thought, there's no way she would do this again, but if she did, I will confront her on the spot.  I will confront her loudly and emotionally.  I will confront her the way she and I both deserve.  I will.  Or, I won't.     I thought I was ready.   Another week later, when she called me the wrong name during sex for the third time, I wasn't surprised.  I thought I'd be angry and confrontative, but I was saddened, disappointed, and just plain hurt.  Too deflated to confront her, I pretended to hear nothing and thus, said nothing.  We finished.  I rolled off, stared at the wall, and fell asleep hours later.  I wasn't having audible hallucinations.  This really was happening.  She didn't lose voice control in some sex-induced trance. If she would just stop, this would go away.   About ten days later, guess what.  She called me the wrong name during lovemaking for a fourth time.  I went off.  My penis still in her, I reached over, turned on the light and confronted her, "What the hell?!  Who the hell are you talking to?!"  I pulled out and finally, finally confronted her.  It was a brief confrontation and verbally combative, albeit in one direction.  I finished by suggesting she get some counseling.  Within a few short minutes, I could hear the rhythmic purr of her sleeping breath while I laid awake for the next several hours.  And, what the fuck is up with that?! Apparently not something she needed to lose sleep over. It would take years of denial, adherence to my values, more denial, self-doubt, depression, counseling, and suicidal thoughts to finally, finally come to grips.   The obvious conclusion would be, she was cheating on me.  At first blush, it may appear she was.  However, I believe there was actually something even more disturbing going on here.  She was doing something worse.  What could be worse?  I will get to that.   With a kindergartner and a second grader asleep upstairs, I was in no hurry to upset the apple cart.  That is, I did not want to rush to a conclusion where we separate.  By separating, I could only see myself in some apartment, alone.  I would deny myself the daily influence I deserved to have on my daughters.  No way.  I remember having thoughts of divorce, but again, I couldn't bear being parted from my kids. After the fourth wrong-name event and subsequent confrontation, we buried it. We didn't discuss it, mention it, or regard it for years.  I didn't know it at the time, but I continued to revert to my training which was fine by her.  That means silence.  She would not have to explain it or own it.  I would not have to confront it further.  Let's pretend it didn't happen.   But this episode in our lives together served as a catalyst for me to examine our relationship.  I had some qualms about our relationship, but overall, we were quite successful.  For the first time, however, I really started paying attention.    Maybe most people would have just walked out over this and maybe they would be right to do so.  I'm not most people.  I am who I am, a product of my experiences, especially that pivotal moment when I established my highest personal value, an integrated family. This was a huge wake-up call though.  I started paying attention to the nuances in our marriage.  There was certainly a history of slights by her, but they were spaced out enough that I always looked at them as one-off events.  Not wanting to upset the family balance, I always overlooked them.  Of course, this just served as my unwitting permission for her to continue. So, here I was, fifteen years in to the marriage and deciding to start paying attention. Bad on me for not paying attention before. However, I didn't think the one I was married to was the one I needed to protect myself from.  Probably, the most loyal love I've ever received was from my parents.  Thus, with them, I could be totally unguarded, at ease, vulnerable.  I held my wife in that same esteem, but it was becoming apparent this was a mistake.   Take away the physical advantage men have over women and they become equal.  It becomes a matter of wits.  I didn't realize at first, but there was a competition going on in my house.  There was one person who wanted to be on top and be recognized by all as in-charge.  It wasn't me.  As the kids entered school, we started making new friends.  The running joke in those years was, I would hear about my own upcoming social engagements from my kids' friends' moms.  "Oh, see you Friday night for dinner."  What?  A minor display of unilateralism, but repeated over time, it demonstrated who had the power.  It also demonstrated a lack of respect.  Not only would she make commitments, she made it clear I wasn't involved.   Then there was her unilateralism with me present.  We might receive a social invitation together and she would accept or deny without any consultation with me, without even looking at me.  I know this certainly made an impression on people because the disparaging comments found their way back to me.  She was in charge and seen that way, but at my expense. Then there were the cocktail parties where she would dump me like wet lettuce and go work the room, solo.  Sure, I can socialize, but it's not like I didn't spend time standing alone.  She preferred to rub elbows with those she perceived as wealthy.  I get it.  I would be there at the end of the night anyway.  Why team up with me?   To her credit, when we entertained, she was amazing.  She would make the guest list, do the inviting, and the planning. She was like a one-man-band in the kitchen and received the accolades she deserved.  Oh, I tried to participate, but always heard, "I got it."  I seemed relegated to just go get some more ice.  That's all fine, I guess, but she would consistently accept help and participation from guests.  This happened frequently enough that I received smart-ass comments about this, too.  "Don't you do anything here?"  I believed that's just how she wanted it.  Effective and seen that way, but at my expense.   It should be no surprise that through these and similar experiences, I came to feel disregarded, disrespected, and taken for granted.  These were not isolated events.  They accumulated to become a condition.    There was more.  She had longing eyes.  Actually, I was okay with that even if she was a little obvious.  There are attractive people out there.  They're noticeable.  I see them, too.  But there was one fellow in particular that seemed particularly interesting to her. We would see him only occasionally, but when we did, they got along exceptionally well. In fact, this goes back to before we were married.  It did make me feel a bit insecure. On one social occasion, she blatantly dumped me to go hang out with him. Really, I think the situation produced two things for her; validation from another male and an avenue to try to make me jealous.  It worked at first, but then it just became insulting.     Years later, in couple's counseling, I accused her of maintaining a longterm flirtatious relationship with this particular guy.  She denied it at first, but then admitted it was true.  The hardest part about it wasn't it's existence, it was that she played it out right in front of me, in my face.  Two friends asked me separately if I saw what they saw.  It was then I realized this wasn't insecurity driving my imagination.   There were no verbal put-downs, no arguments, nothing exciting over the years.  On the outside, we appeared solid.  We ran a very successful household.  What confused me was, I was enjoying a great lifestyle largely due to her professional success. In many ways, she showed a lot of care for me.   However, the negatives just kept accumulating.   Aside from the above, there was a withdrawal of affection on her part.  For a time, the only affection given was in response to mine.  When it did come my way, I got peck-type kisses.  Two pencil tips could share more surface area.  Hugs were air-hugs, like when people hug others out of politeness.  Head games came to bed, too, more than the wrong name issue.  I can only describe her negative behavior toward me as like death by a thousand cuts.  What was confusing was hearing "I love you" between the cuts.   I tried to limit my thoughts on her behavior to the time since she called me the wrong name in bed.  That proved to be very difficult.  I couldn't help but see a pattern than spanned our entire marriage.   Ultimately,  I realized the pattern preceded our marriage and the roots were laid in our dating years, in our foundation.  Yes, I understand my own participation here.  By allowing her disregard, disrespect, unilateralism, and more served as my permission for her to continue the behavior. My parents' modeled an excellent marriage.  My parents in-law apparently also had an excellent marriage.  I sought to copy that.  However, when our dads dated our moms, I doubt they ever had to deal with things like this:  Having their girlfriend display a picture of an old boyfriend on their bedroom wall for two years while they dated.  I bet they never had the experience of picking up them from a guy's apartment on a Saturday morning to hear, "We're just friends."  I bet they never found man's length black hair on their girlfriend's pillow, multiple times.  I bet our dads never had to see a picture of our moms in bed with a guy, then another one with a different guy.   There's more.  I cannot emphasize enough how much I take responsibility for my own situation.  I accepted her behavior and therefore gave permission until I withdrew it.  I was the Yang to her Yin.  My fault was not having the awareness and self-esteem to stand up or walk out.  I remember having questions before marriage, but thinking, "I think this is the best I can do."  I said I would circle back to the episode of her calling me the wrong name during sex. Further, I said I would offer a reason for her behavior that didn't include cheating.     Regarding being called the wrong name during sex, I believe it was an attempt to make me feel wholly insecure.  I call it worse than cheating because cheating is usually an act of self-gratification, not necessarily meant to harm someone else.  If she did it to make me feel insecure, that makes it a truly offensive act meant to undermine me and cause me harm.   In her error, she counted on me staying silent like I had with her other slights. Even with the wrong-name episode, it went four times in short order. When was that going to stop? I've read a lot about forgiveness and learned there are acts where forgiveness is not appropriate.  In brief, deliberately harmful behavior often belongs in the non-forgivable category. In personal and marriage counseling, I have been cautioned about tying meaning, if any, to events.  Being called the wrong name during sex on four different occasions certainly rises to the level of being meaningful.  I asked my wife in counseling what the meaning of this was.  Over and over she said, "I don't know, but I'm sorry."  That answer is not working for me.  Her back up answer was, "stress".  Also, not working for me.   My explanation is very plausible, especially considering she has conducted other behavior intent on causing me jealousy and insecurity.  It makes sense.   In counseling, I have been guided through a technique called 'reframing'.  That is, the ability to find alternate explanations for events.  It's a good thing, but not a panacea.  I'm not going to lie to myself and call it reframing.  Sometimes things are as they appear.   After years of personal and couple's counseling, I feel dead-ended.  One counselor asked a brilliant, pointed question of me, "What do you want from her?" I had to sleep on the question.  I wanted an authentic explanation of why she took up this behavior toward me.  Particularly, I wanted and explanation of why she called me the wrong name in bed.  The answer remained, "I don't know, but I'm sorry."   I believe she strived to maintain two conditions in our marriage. The first condition is that she be in the power position and is perceived by outsiders as such.  The second condition is she attempts to make me feel insecure as a way to perpetuate her power position. Build herself up by pushing me down. In public, she might have her hand on my shoulder.  Behind the scenes, it's different. The marital experience feels like I have to alternate being on my toes or on my heels.   I am quite able to forgive.  I'd prefer to forgive and continue having a great family.  On the other hand, if she truly doesn't understand her own behavior, why shouldn't she repeat it at some point in the future.  That makes forgiveness now foolish.  One advisor offered, "Maybe that's just who she is." I know and that's what scares me.   It’s not what she does. It’s who she is.
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“He left. What happened?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Four years ago I started a relationship with a man outside of my marriage. We have been totally committed to each other even when he moved overseas with his work. It has always been a very intense and caring relationship and we were working towards being together. I recently left my marriage as we are part of the LT plan and at the same time he was moved again with his work to the other side of the world. Now he says while he loves me and cares for me deeply that he needs me to let go of him so he move on and find someone who he can share his life with now not in the future. He claims the last 18 months of being apart have devastated him and he can’t do it for another 3 years. I’m having difficulty seeing his reasoning given how he says he feels about me and how I feel about him. We can continue to see each other frequently (I cannot move with him as I have 2 kids) and in another few years we could be together permanently as planned. I feel like I have given up so much to make this relationship work based on the commitment we continually made to each other over the years. There was no sign that he was intending to leave.
Ask the community | drifting apart, decline, long distance
“So little time, so little options”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm not sure this site is the correct place for my worries, but at this point I am willing to try just about anything. I like this girl. She's my age(24) and due to being in the band together I've had the pleasure of seeing her twice a week without fail the entire time I've known her, about 2 months. We've been good friends for half that after a wild night of drinking lasting until 4am the next day. That said, I didn't chat to her on fb,whatsapp or what have you outside of the band until about 2 days ago. We DID chat face to face and there was never any awkwardness between us, neither face to face nor online. As a result of a lot of chat over the past 2 days I asked her to a movie tonight to which she said ok,but we'll see how tired we are after band. we ended up not going. I did however manage to set up a meet at lunch this wednesday, the suggestion having come from her. The problem lies in the fact that I am leaving the country in about a weeks time. I do not want to regret not having asked her to be my gf. That said I know it'd be risky and even a bit idiotic to ask her to be my gf the very first time we're meeting outside of band. It may be because I've never actually been in a relationship but the only 'solution' I can think of is to somehow ask her to be my gf and if she does accept then carry out a long-distance relationship. A third party friend who knows both me and her has suggested asking the girl's best friend for advice, but I'm not sure what sort of advice she could give. if there is a way to accomplish this even overseas without rushing it then I'm all ears. if there is a way to make this succeed in the time I have left before leaving the country, I'm listening. lend me your wisdom folks!
Ask the community | communication, long distance
“End of marriage”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My husband and I made the decision to separate late last year and have recently moved out. He has now needed to leave town for work. Our separation came at the end of a long relationship that began 14 years ago (at 16 and 25) and has putted along, not altogether unhappily but with discontent and basically living completely separate lives for the last 5 or so years. We have one child together who is intense behaviourally and he has not been supportive of my struggles with her, so I have worked part time and managed her as best I can while he has worked full.time and pursued his own interests and hobbies at leisure, never feeling that time at home or helping with our child should be prioritised. Last year it culminated in him travelling overseas several times alone and having a relationship there which has now ended. I see this as the catalyst for ending our relationship but not necessarily the whole reason - none of it would have happened if we were happy together. I don't feel as though we have ever been able.to bring out the best in each other. When he first wanted to separate, I was sad (mainly for our daughter) but worked through those feelings, developed peace with the situation and our need to separate and some months later (officially separated but still under the same roof) very tentatively began a new relationship. After this started he backflipped and said he wanted to be back together. He thinks that he is ready to change. The relationship has been up and down basically since the beginning and I honestly feel like the best thing for both of us would be to peacefully and amicably let it go and work on reconnecting him as a parent. I am ok with the whole thing - a little sad but also excited about rediscovering old hobbies, making new friends, starting a new job and seeing how my very cautious new relationship develops now I am living alone (well, with my daughter). He is not emotionally expressive like me, is holding on to a lot of regret and sadness and is really struggling. I am really worried that he won't be ok on his own, and I still care about him deeply and this hurts me a lot. I guess what I want to know is: How do I know if we have made the right decision? Should I get back with him again, do heaps of counselling and really, really try to make it work (obviously ending the new relationship I have begun, which I would struggle with at this point) for his sake and for our daughter? My gut feeling is that if we did this we'd just be delaying the inevitable. If not, how do I help him move on from the relationship? We obviously are still communicating because of our daughter. And how do I go forth and be happy with someone new when I can't shake the feeling I've left a trail of heartbreak behind me? I know this is too long (and yet still so much is left out)! I don't really expect anyone to have the answers but any ideas or experiences would ve helpful. Thanks 🙂
Ask the community | breakups, marriage, divorce, parenting apart
“Am I a mug??”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need a lot of advice at the moment this might get a bit long-winded. ok so me and my gf have been together now over two years kinda… so she just recently took a job on in a kitchen as a chef and the first two weeks she hated it she then met this boy and everything changed she started wearing makeup to work everyday! she also seemed to just love being at work and it seemed like she would stay longer than she needed to on purpose, at this point in our relationship we were kinda drifting apart we were living in a little room together and it just seemed to start getting boring, we then broke up she had enough and she left me. Two weeks later she started seeing this boy from work they went on 2 little dates to a pub and then they went on a proper date a week later she then stayed over his that night and they had sex. he then moved back to where he actually lives 2 days later and then told her he wasnt actually looking for a relationship he then didnt contact her for a while, at this time she had blocked me on facebook i think she done this to move on with him however when that didnt happen a few weeks later she unblocked me, maybe a month and a half had passed by now and we started talking again we started hanging out and going on walks together she always seemed not to sure if she wanted to go on a walk but she always did (most of the time) her and this boy now haven’t spoken for a month! We started to sleep together again now only a hand full of times mainly saturday nights neither of us drink so no alcohol was involved, after a few weeks of this we decided to get back together and give it another shot, however the whole time we were doing all this she was still loooking him up on facebook everyday 3-5 times a day normally and clearly still had feelings for him. ok so we have now been back together for maybe 2 weeks and then the night before v day she broke up with me however i feel the causing of that was he messaged her and i feel it stirred loads of feelings up again So she left me maybe 3 days later we got back together again but he started messaging her again a week or so ago and he asked her for money!!! she said yes to this and transferred the money to him hes expected to pay it back at the end of this month, however after this contact again they now occasionally talk on facebook and they also have phonecalls mainly talking about work etc but im not to sure what happens on the phone calls i hope nothing bad, however she is still looking him up on fb everyday whenever she gets a chance she does seem to be trying in our relationship now but i just feel like crap constantly worrying she will leave me for him again The problem is he lives on the otherside of the country and i feel thats whats stopping her i know he doesnt have the same feelings for her and i think she knows that aswell but it just hurts so much to know she cares so much about a guy who basically fuck and ducked her and is now using her for money and she still seems to let him do it he was in her life for maybe a month and i just feel like he means more to her than i do and i just really dont know what to do i love this girl so much she has helped me through so much and i just dont ever see myself without her i dont want to see that! I just need some opinions on the situation anything will help but guys please just be reasonable with me im very delicate at the moment haha thanks
Ask the community | communication, cheating
“Should I tell or not?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So I have been talking to my guy friend for about 6 months now on and off. Now we have established that we are "a thing" but not quite in a relationship. He is so generous and caring and takes great care of me. Although, he isn't the most eye catching , Im still into him. So he has two vehicles and I sometimes drive the one that he doesn't because my car air conditioner doesn't work and his does. The other day I was taking my cousin somewhere I accidentally hit the breaks a little late but I didn't hit anyone. BUTTT. The other car behind me breaks weren't as fast i guess. So the lady hit the back of his car. So in the moment I'm like "OWE SHIT!" this isn't even my car. So I got out in panic mood and looked at the back bumper to see the damage and i didn't see anything. So the lady was an older sweet lady and was shocked, so we both thought we had no scratches so i went on about my way. When I made it to my destination, I looked again and I saw some scratches and a little hole. So i was freaking out again! But it's an older car so it already had a lot of paint feeling in the front area but still i thought he might notice it. It's been like a week now and he still hasn't noticed it. But today I was driving it again and when i hit the breaks it sounded like a rattle was coming from the back side area where she hit me from. So when i came in i said "Bae has your car been making that noise when you break?". and he said, " I don't know , maybe" . So today is his first day driving the car i had the wreck in , and i'm a little nervous if he is going to question me or just think it was a hit and run. My question to you guys is ; Should I act like I have no clue about anything and say someone must have done it OR Should i own up to it and say i was scared to tell him? . Because i really just don't want any extra problems that's why i haven't said anything yet. PLEASE HELP
User article | communication
What is relationship quality?
Relationship quality is all about how happy or satisfied a person feels in their couple relationship.  We think you might find it useful to keep track of your own relationship quality, so we’ve put together a simple quiz to help you do this. Click the “start quiz” button at the foot of the page to get started.     What happens next? The questions will ask you to reflect on things you think are going well, and areas you might want to find out more about. We would encourage you to not overthink your answers but select the first answer that comes to mind. After completing the questions, you will receive a ‘score’ based on your answers, which will give an indication of your happiness or satisfaction with your relationship. This score will range from 0% (poorest relationship quality) to 100% (highest relationship quality).  We may ask you these questions again in the future so we can see how things have changed for you.   How will the information be used? We will use the information you provide to help us with our research, but please be assured that your data will not be shared with any third parties. Please see our privacy and data protection policy and our terms and conditions for a full explanation.   The science behind it Relationship quality is studied a lot by relationship researchers because it’s useful for them to know how happy people are in their relationships at different points in their lives.Lots of relationship quality measures have been developed over the years. The one we use is called the DAS-7, which is based on seven key questions from a much longer measure called the ‘Dyadic Adjustment Scale’ [1-3]. It has been thoroughly tested and it’s much quicker to fill in than other measures.     References Sharpley, Christopher F., and H. Jane Rogers. 1984. ‘Preliminary Validation of the Abbreviated Spanier Dyadic Adjustment Scale: Some Psychometric Data Regarding a Screening Test of Marital Adjustment’. Educational and Psychological Measurement 44 (4):1045–49. https://doi.org/10.1177/0013164484444029. Spanier, Graham B. 1976. ‘Measuring Dyadic Adjustment: New Scales for Assessing the Quality of Marriage and Similar Dyads’. Journal of Marriage and the Family 38 (1):15. https://doi.org/10.2307/350547. Hunsley, John, Marlene Best, Monique Lefebvre, and Diana Vito. 2001. ‘The Seven-Item Short Form of the Dyadic Adjustment Scale: Further Evidence for Construct Validity’. The American Journal of Family Therapy 29 (4): 325–35. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926180126501.
Measurement tool | quiz
5 min read
“My boyfriend doesn't want to marry me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________    Hi everyone, Me and my boyfriend are both 20 have been dating since we were 16. We moved out at 18 and are saving for a mortgage together. Marriage is so important to me (my parents have been married for nearly 30 years) but he doesn't want to get married or engaged. His parents are together but have never married. I would love to get married and show our commitment and love towards each other and make it official but he's not interested. He says he wants to get married at some point in the future but he won't pop the question to me. I feel like something is holding him back and making him not want to marry me but he won't tell me what it is. He says he loves me and won't leave but so many people around us are getting married or engaged who have been together less time and aren't as financially stable as us (to pay for engagement or wedding costs). I cook him meals every day, I clean the house and do the washing. I think I do really look after him, we both look after each other. I work full time and stay in shape. A work colleague of his is getting married and she doesn't do anything for her other half, she doesn't cook or pay rent or for bills, I don't know what I'm doing wrong;( I feel like there's something wrong with me which is the reason causing him to not want to commit. I feel like it's driving me crazy. Marriage is a big deal to me and I dream of how I'd have my special day and I feel bitter and jealous towards other people celebrating their engagements/weddings. It's horrible I know! If he loves me and wants to stay with my forever the why won't he commit and marry me? It gets me down and I love him but I worry as to why he hasn't asked me yet if he does love me and knows how much being husband and wife means to me. What's stopping him? Please help.
User article | communication, marriage
“My ex left my because of her insecurities”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I am a woman who fell in love with another woman a year and a half ago. She was married to a man with 3 children. She left her husband for me and we were in love. I still am very much in love with her. During our relationship she began to develope fears regarding people knowing about our relationship. Her mother found out and was not supportive of our relationship she doesn't agree with gay people. My girlfriends husband is a horrible person who knew later on after the split that there was something going on between us and he has said and done horrible things to me. He still has not confronted my girlfriend about me and constantly trys to win her back. When the children see him they tell him about me and because of this he began to punish because they enjoyed me being around although they only know of me as being there mothers 'friend'. My girlfriend is wrapped with guilt regarding breaking up her family home and fears her children fjnding out about our relationship in fear they will hate her and that they will suffer at school etc because of this and her husband hurting them because of their relationship they had with me. We have rowed so many times regarding her insecurities as everyrime she gets scared ahe dumps me. She wont talk she just dumps me and says she can give me what i need in life because of this. She told me that she still loves me just the same but she cant have a normal relationship that i deserve. When she finished with me (all in texts) i said some horrible things to her and she blocked all contact with me and i havent heard from her since. It has been a week and i feel like im dying inside. I love her and want my life with her and i feel like im being punished for being a woman. Im hurting so much and dont know what to do.
Ask the community | communication, social media
“Am I being used? Please help”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Can anyone shed advice If im being used / taken advantage of… I met this girl at my job, she’s a single mom with two small kids who was in the store shopping one day and just flat out gave me her number when I asked if she needed help out to her car with her items. She has two small kids, fled an abusive and violent husband from out of state and is currently living with old family friends, and… is a recovering heroin addict. Now the people she lives with always have her running errons and doing things for them non stop, shes a busy lady, and being a single mom with two kids I get she has little time. But it seems the only real time we get is when she comes into the store and goes on a shopping spree for clothes and stuff. I know its my fault for buying the stuff, but it seems to make her so happy cause of the horrible past she has, and she has said that no other guy before has ever been this nice to her, they would sit on the sofa and tell her to do things her self, wouldn’t help her out with nothing, abused her, the whole nine yards, so she enjoys when I treat her in my words “like a queen” But that seems to be the problem.. that’s all we ever do…. She calls me a lot on the phone just to talk…. But getting togeather like a boyfriend and girlfriend should… shes always too busy with the kids, running the familys chores and she cant tell anyone about me because this family will question her to death and she doesn’t feel like dealing with it or the chance they would kick her out. They always think she will relapse and monitor her like a hawk… open her mail, give her random drug tests, just in my mind treat her like a slave and abuse the shit out of her, but due to her small kids and past with bad guys, she s afraid to take me up on my offer to move in with me…. But to the point…. Every time we see each other its at my job and usually racks me up about 40-80 $ worth of clothes. I get told by friends all the time “hey bro she’s using you” and “she s only with you for your money” I have those feelings sometimes too, and have brought it up, and she gets upset and says its not true but if u think it is then break up with me or ill be with you but don’t ever spend another nickle on me, and I feel bad, and it seems to just go back to the way things were. She calls me like 10 times a days and we talk about everything. We say I love you to each other and talk about a future… she says shes going threw medical issues that she wants to keep to herself for now so when I bring up sex its usually shot right down, but she does kiss me a lot…. The sex stuff I can believe, im not gonna force the issue, its just…. I wanted to get some ones opinion on the matter that’s involved…. I love this girl to death and I no being a single mom with 2 kids would give her like zero time and im greatful for the time i do get, but if she was really in love with me like i was her, wouldnt she be able to free up time for a movie or time to just sit with me and talk. its always at my work when im working and i dont no.........
Ask the community | cheating, marriage
“Lonely first-time Mam”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I’m a first time Mam to our wonderful, happy 5 month old daughter - but am struggling to understand my husbands actions since her birth. I appreciated at first that her arrival would bring about a significant and substantial change in our dynamic and that time and talking through it would help us resettle into our new rhythm as a family. However - he has been dismissive and distant - put his needs above hers / ours. He has planned a number of imminent holidays away with his friends - spends leisure time away from the home at pubs / coffee shops when he isn’t working. When I try and raise these issues with him he tells me I’m overreacting and that this is his routine. He regularly bemoans my breastfeeding as a way of ‘stopping us’ from going out in the evenings and has continued to neglect my requests for help / support with domestic chores. When baby is ready I will of course look forward to evenings out but at this age (and as she isn’t taking a bottle) I’m not prepared to leave her with relatives and friends in the evenings or overnight. I try my best to encourage him to spend time with me in the late evenings when baby is asleep, but he just wants to camp out in front of the TV. When he is home, he pays little attention to our daughter in terms of play and will only engage with her so that he can post photos on social media. As a result - I’m lonely - frustrated and wanting desperately for him to understand how overwhelming his behaviour is becoming. I fear that he is only interested in the aesthetic of our marriage and family - and has very little interest in how we function practically as a unit. Any advice would be welcomed x
Ask the community | parenting together, baby, new parents
 “Falling in love quickly”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I met someone in a chatroom that I was in. He lives states away. I had no intention on meeting someone. However we just clicked. Continued our conversation in private. Within hours he gave me his phone number. Normally I am very hesitate about contacting people online. But I had no hesitation. We talked on the phone for a long time. Then continued at night and talked for 4 hours. Nothing really sexual. Just chatting. Then the next day we talked for a total of 8 hours.We text and talked on the phone all weekend. Our connection was so incredibly strong. And by day three he told me he loved me. I felt the same. We both were done with relationships before we met. I am a single mom. Haven’t had an official boyfriend in ten years. It’s hard to explain our connection and everything we’ve talked about however he was a player and admitted that opening before we got serious. He says I made him a one woman man. He wants to marry me and have kids. He has talked to my daughter. Another thing I’m very hesitant and protective about but had no hesitation with him. We’ve had fights because I feel like this is too good to be true. We haven’t met. I’m going to see him in April. I was supposed to in February but we got into a fight. He plans on moving to me in a couple months. I’d prefer he wait until we meet in person anyway. We text, talk on phone and FaceTime often so I don’t think it’ll be much different but it could be. He knows I’m insecure and it makes it ten times worse since he’s far away. He’s constantly reassuring me I’m it for him. He’s found the one. And I feel the same and have pulled back in sharing my insecurities. There’s wonderful feelings I have for him but also feelings of distrust I have for him. This is kind of all over the place but I’ve wanted to give some background. My question is...Can people fall in love in three days and have a lasting relationship? It’s almost a fairytale. The night he entered the chat I was asleep and the next morning I was busy at work. I hopped on on my lunch break and he said he wanted to get to know me immediately. And he said before I entered the chat he almost left but there was a fellow military man in there he felt bad for and kept talking to him. So we almost missed each other which makes it even more crazy.
Ask the community | communication, social media
“Unsure of what I should do”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 weeks or so. At first, everything was nice and he was sweet to me. I helped him with his depression and he recovered. When I talked to him about our relationship issues, he would get angry and let it out on me, making me upset. Later on when he calmed down, he would attempt to flatter me in order to forget that I was upset and how he yelled at me. He claimed he had this darkness inside him, yet I do not believe it. The so called "darkness" was his anger which he used as an excuse to say whatever he wanted to say to me and "forget about it". Only when he saw me cry my eyes out, did he respond by hugging me and attempting to comfort me. I also began to notice a pattern of when I offer advice and suggestions to him, he would say I'm lecturing him and snap at me for "trying to control his life." Once I tried to give him advice about taking partial custody of daughter and he exploded on me, once more. I recently began to think back and notice these patterns. He would feel bad, only after he hurt me and knew that I was upset. I don't like this and I'm unsure of what I should do. I don't want to be with him, yet at the same time I want to attempt to work this out, first. I've been looking at girls and guys, instead of him and I'm not sure why. Should I stay with him or break up and move on to something happier?
Ask the community | drifting apart, decline
“Am I over reacting?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Sorry this is so long but I wanted to explain the whole situation. I have been in a relationship with a Latina lady for a little over a year and I am a white male. Her English to me is pretty good we can communicate well but she is a little unsure of herself and her English. We decided to move in with each other at the beginning of December and things were going very well. At the beginning of February we had a small Superbowl party. She had invited her adult son which is 23 which I get along with great. He had also invited over some other friend which is normal they all come over all the time which I have no problem with. This night there was another friend that showed up that I had never seen before. This guy was a little older approximately 30 or 35 and my girlfriend is in her early 40's but she looks much younger. As the night goes on I notice that he continues to follow her into other rooms where it is him and her alone. And at one point she followed him outside. This made me very uneasy and she could feel the tension. So she calls this guy over to tell him about me. However when them two talked they talked in Spanish. The guy would occasionally tell me things that she was saying which was good things about me. While this made me feel better I still was not sure. I was also frustrated that if there are three people in a conversation and only one language we all three knew why they continued to speak in Spanish. At the end of the night when we was alone. I tried to explain that I felt it was disrespectful to continue to be in the other room with another man. I also tried to explain that it would have helped when including me into the conversation if they would have spoke in English. Her response was he was a long time friend and he was more like a son to her, he felt comfortable in their house and that is why he would go in the other room with her. She also explained that she was embarrassed to speak English in front of him in fear that he would make fun of her. Which I understand but at the same time the guys English was not perfect. The next morning the fight continued and she ask me to leave. I left and went and stayed at a motel down the road for the night. The next day we ended up talking and working things out. She reassured me that that guy was a friend of the families and she would tell him not to come back if I wanted. I said no but she needed to put herself in my shoes and think if she would like it if I did the same with a girl. A couple weeks go by and she tells me this guy is in jail because he is in the country illegally and it would not be a problem anymore. About another week goes by and I come home and there is a strange dog in the back yard. I text her and she is surprised and does not know where it came from. When she got home she tells me her daughter had brought it over and she thought it was the guys dog that was in jail. I ask her how she knew and she said she had seen pictures of the dog before. I ask her if her daughter ask to bring the dog by and she said yes. But in the text she acted surprised. A few more days go by and she says something about the guy having another dog that was bigger and that he had brought the dogs over one time. But a few days earlier she had stated she had only seen the dogs in a picture. She said her memory was not that good. A few more days goes by and she says her daughter had received a phone call from the man in jail and her daughter wanted her to go to the jail to visit him. I told her she could do whatever she wanted to but I was not sure why she would go see the man in jail. Then I started to get curious so I looked at the phone bill to see if this guy had contacted her from jail. I noticed that the night that I was gone she had tried calling her ex-boyfriend two times. It only showed up as 1 min so she may have only got his voice mail I'm not sure. So that night I ask her if her ex-boyfriend had tried to contact her and she said no. I then ask her if she had tried to contact him at all. I also ask that she be completely honest with me. Again her answer was no and then started questioning about being on my phone all the time. Which I am on the phone form 6:00 am until 10:00 pm for work and work only. She really seems like a good girl she does not go out or anything. We stay at home a lot and work together to make our home better. But the question is am I being paranoid? Was it right for me to check the phone bill? And are these small lies hiding something bigger?
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Almost divorced... and affair continues”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been married 15 years. After our first and only child, our relationship really changed. The former intimacy and caring for each other eventually turned to fighting, resentment, and just not talking. There are a lot of reasons about our troubles that I won't go into here, but after years of unhappiness in my marriage and seeing no way out, and a lot of time thinking about it and planning for it, I confronted my husband with a divorce. All the signs were clear that our relationship was in distress, with me stating my unhappiness and that I couldn't do it anymore. But it was not clear to my husband that I was unhappy enough for divorce, and he just did not see it coming. He wants to work it out, and I struggled with doing that because mentally I was (still am) checked out and ready to move on. But I felt guilty on the impact on him and my child, and thought I should at least give him a chance so decided to stay. Since then, he's really trying and made some dramatic changes. And this is good, especially for his own life. But in the meantime, I've been having an affair. (And did not disclose it when my spouse asked if there was someone else.) In desperate and unhappy times, through a series of events I had met someone a year ago, and we've been seeing each other regularly. He's also married with kids, and we've developed feelings for each other. I feel like I found someone really special. I know there is lust and attraction, but what I feel is true companionship, shared interests, and caring for each other. I developed feelings for him and him for me. We both think we have a chance of true compatibility compared to our current situations. When I told him about my divorce looming, he made it clear that he's not ready for divorce, though one day he might be (until the kids leave, because of financial reasons, etc.). And though this hurts and maybe he won't ever leave, I just can't - and don't want to - give up our relationship. This is despite being at a turning point in my marriage where I'm supposed to be committed to working things out. But I can't imagine not having the other guy not in my life, even if it stays an affair. Maybe I'm fooling myself by thinking one day we'd leave our spouses and be together. And maybe this is really selfish and destructive. The thing is, I don't want to end it. I feel like I'm now stuck. If I stay married, I feel guilty for my husband being 100% committed while I'm not, and this affects my putting effort into working on things. And if I divorce, what if I want more from the other guy and he can't give it to me, because he's not ready to leave? Or what if it's great because it frees me up to see him more? I also think if I divorce or separate, and worse case my guy doesn't work out (though I really want it to), what if I find someone who I'm happy with and is more compatible? I'm trying to wade through this with all the other downsides of divorce on my child, financially, etc. I'm not looking to be shamed here for the right or wrong of having an affair and continuing it on the brink of divorce. I'm just trying to find my own happiness. But I posted this, so obviously I'm struggling and interested in hearing perspectives and other stories.
Ask the community | cheating
“Did my fiancé cheat on me?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello, We are in early 50s and together for 5 years, living together for 4 years and 2 months ago he proposed, I accepted. A month before he proposed I accidentally saw e-mails to him from a women and I am struggling to understand what it means: The e-mails from her of a year and a half ago is saying: "I would love to meet with you privately" He replies: "I'd love to". Then they exchange e-mails setting a meeting at a restaurant for April 13. On April 13 he wasn't home late after work, I texted him: "Where are you?" He never replied. Then there was an e-mail from her on April 13: "You kiss like a God and I love hanging out with you. Can we do that again soon please. I adore you. xoxoxoxo" He replays immediately: "Loved it. Loved seeing you. Any time. Signed: Transmitted by blueberry pancake" We had difficult times that year, we had less sex (he told me he didn't feel aroused) and it felt like he was just serving his duty though, he kept saying he loved me. I suspected he was cheating but didn't see any evidence. And he is always very secretive - I am not allowed on his computer or see who texted him. He hides the phone screen if I am next to him. He explains that he has very large personal boundaries and that doesn't mean he doesn't love me. So I confronted him about the e-mails, he denied first then he admitted he dated her 20 years ago but didn't see her for years now and she e-mailed him first to get in touch and he went to a restaurant with her just "to catch up with an old friend". He says he didn't plan anything and nothing happened, only a kiss after the restaurant and he didn't do anything wrong. But there is another e-mail from her 3 months later: "Lets go to a spa resort for three days where we can indulge ourselves in paradise". He replied: "If I was alone or in a different relationship I would love to but I can't". All the e-mails after that are deleted. I made him to show me his contact list and he has her two phone numbers and all her info (she is married). Of course they communicated by phone, not only those e-mails. A month after I found out about this, he proposed. I am trying to believe him that he saw her only once, at that restaurant. But the e-mail says different. I have troubles to trust him now. I feel pain and distrust every time he goes anywhere, even to his office (he wrote to her in his e-mails where his office is and that Wednesdays are better for him to meet). It is all so painful but I love him very much. I decided to think this affair was in the past and he is faithful now but how can I know? And even in the past - how to get over it? Could it be true that those e-mails mean nothing and I should trust him because he asked me to marry him even though he always said before he didn't want to get married?
Ask the community | cheating, trust
Is your FOMO turning you into a phubber?
Is your FOMO turning you into a phubber? Is your phubbing becoming pphubbing? And what does it have to do with your phone and your relationship? Thanks to smartphones and social media, we have unprecedented access to our social circles. Our friends and partners are only ever a glance away, waiting in our handbags, pockets, unicycle saddlebags, or wherever you’re keeping your phone these days. Unlike our ancestors who lived in caves and used dial-up, we need never miss another chance to let our loved ones know we are thinking of them. But, as you have probably experienced, all this convenience can lead to a fear of missing out (FOMO) which can, in turn, lead to phone-snubbing people in real life. This is called phubbing and if you phub your partner, it’s called pphubbing. Yep, there’s an extra ‘p’. Fear of missing out vs actually missing out Do you always wait until you’re alone before checking your phone and replying to messages? Can you ignore the constant vibrations of a chatty group of friends, or do you need to whip out your phone and throw in your two cents even when you’re supposed to be spending quality time with your partner? In a relationship, it’s important to give each other your full attention, but FOMO can play on your mind, nagging at you to check your phone and see what’s new. It can take a lot of self-control and confidence to resist this urge [1]. It feels innocent enough to throw out a quick message before returning to your real-life conversation but if you’ve ever been on the receiving end, you’ll know what it feels like to get pphubbed. How often have you looked up to see your partner’s thumbs rapidly firing off a message to a WhatsApp group that you’re not in? If you’re super-confident, it might not be a big deal – you can wait for your partner to re-join the conversation – but if you’re still finding your place in the relationship or if you’re not sure where you stand, it can really sting. Being pphubbed can affect how happy you feel in your relationship [2]. A partner who is routinely pphubbed may, consciously or otherwise, start to reciprocate the behaviour, pphubbing you back until it becomes normal for the two of you to be sitting together having separate conversations with people who aren’t even in the room [1]. Before you know it, you’re on a pphub crawl and you can’t even remember how it started. Making connections This doesn’t mean you should delete all your social media apps and fling your phone into the sea. For a start, lithium batteries should be disposed of safely and you can always sell or recycle unwanted technology. Also, your phone can make communicating with your partner easier, letting you say things that might not be easy to say in person. What you communicate to each other over the phone may vary from messages of love to checking if you need anything from the shop. And these more practical messages, while they may seem trivial, can help you stay connected, improving your communication and intimacy [3]. Having a good relationship isn’t always about improving things. Much of the time, it can be enough just to maintain the things that are already working. Some easy ways to strengthen your relationship by expressing your feelings over the phone include: Telling your partner how good they make you feel. Being open about what you need and want from the relationship. Reassuring your partner of the commitment you have made to them [4]. You needn’t overthink this but do try to communicate about the important things as well as the little things [4]. Keeping an eye on your social media use Social media can help you feel more connected, allowing you to reach out to people and develop relationships. It can help you figure out who you are and who you want to be, and it can be a vital means of support if you’re feeling lonely or anxious [5]. But it can also lead you into situations that don’t feel good. If you’re worried you’re spending too much time online, or if your online life is getting difficult, consider taking a break. Step up your privacy settings, block any users who are causing you problems and walk away for a while. It can sometimes help to deactivate your accounts or delete the apps from your phone until you feel a bit better. A rest can make all the difference to how you approach your phone in future. If you’re really worried, talk to someone you trust [5], or ask the community here on Click. Use your phone for whatever social support you need and take advantage of the helpful things is gives you access to, but don’t let FOMO turn you into a phubber – and certainly not a pphubber! Nobody is going to forget you if you don’t respond to their messages right away, but they may start to resent you if you disappear into your phone when they’re sitting right opposite you.   References [1] Chotpitayasunondh, Varoth, and Karen M. Douglas. 2016. ‘How “phubbing” Becomes the Norm: The Antecedents and Consequences of Snubbing via Smartphone’. Computers in Human Behavior 63 (October):9–18. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2016.05.018.[2] Roberts, James A., and Meredith E. David. 2016. ‘My Life Has Become a Major Distraction from My Cell Phone: Partner Phubbing and Relationship Satisfaction among Romantic Partners’. Computers in Human Behavior 54 (January):134–41. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.07.058.[3] Boyle, Andrea M., and Lucia F. O’Sullivan. 2016. ‘Staying Connected: Computer-Mediated and Face-to-Face Communication in College Students’ Dating Relationships’. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking 19 (5):299–307. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2015.0293.[4] Rus, Holly M., and Jitske Tiemensma. 2017. ‘“It”s Complicated.’ A Systematic Review of Associations between Social Network Site Use and Romantic Relationships’. Computers in Human Behavior 75 (October): 684–703. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2017.06.004.[5] Frith (2017). Social media and children’s mental health: a review of the evidence. Education Policy institute.
Article | communication, social media
5 min read
“Should I continue to see her?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hello everyone, I have never posted anything like this, nor have I thought about reaching out to anyone beyond my family an friends. However, I feel like it would be good to get some advice from this community. First, a bit of background. My girlfriend and I have been going out for over two years now and we met in high-school. We are both 19, in post-secondary education and living at our parents' house. These last two years have been amazing with her because I have never loved someone as much as I do her, and we have brought so much happiness into each others' lives. Anyways, its isn't all sunshine and rainbows. We fight. About the same problems over again and it has led to her doubting the existence of the relationship. There have been six major "doubts" over the course of two years where a minor break in the form of a "cold-shoulder" for a few days, or an actual relationship "break" would occur for longer. On February 12th, she actually broke up with me. Told me it was over because of the same problems I have heard so many times: I occasionally act "too immature" and "annoying". This led her to breaking up with me and suggest we be strictly be friends. A week later of being not distant friends, she wants to get back together because i quote: "[I] am the only thing that makes her happy". She hates being just friends and I hate being tossed around from dating, to a break, to back to dating, to back to a break. I need some advice on what do to because 1) it is so hard to say no and disappoint her (because she is a crier), and 2) I want a healthy relationship and I am not sure how healthy an on-off relationship is. Thank you so much!! Please ask lots of questions to clarify anything and let me know what I should do! So far I have told her I need time to think about getting back together. I AM TORN AHH.
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“Wasting my time or not?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is going to be long so bare with me. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year and a half.. Granted we were “friends with benefits” for several months to start out and knew each other for several years before. I also used to work for his Mother briefly and have a really good friendship with her. We now currently live together. To give you a little background.. I am 30 (31 in May) and he is 3 years younger than me. I am divorced. He has never really had a serious relationship before me. His longest relationship was about 3-4 months so he is kind of “inexperienced” (his words). We had many conversations about what we wanted when we first started dating. I told him I wanted children and didn’t want to have any after 35. I also said I would never wait 5 years again for someone to marry me (like my ex husband). I know exactly what I want in life and I wanted to be very clear so if it wasn’t what he wanted we could walk away from the get go. I feel like he’s maybe not sure what he wants sometimes even though he says he does. We’ve had several conversations about the future and about 6 months ago he asked me how I felt about getting a joint bank account and combining some bills (cell phone and car insurance) after the New Year. I told him I would be OK with that considering we had conversations about marriage, etc and I felt like it was going there (obviously way dinner than it is). Well a few weeks ago I brought it up again to see when he was thinking about doing all of that because he had not mentioned it again and he was real hesitant all of a sudden. He said that he had changed his mind and thought we should wait until we were married. I felt real confused and like I was getting mixed signals at that point. He assures me that he would never waste my time and if he didn’t think it was going there then he would just end it. It really doesn’t help that everyone around us is either getting married or having kids. Two girls in our friend group had a baby recently, one more just found out that she’s pregnant and another just got engaged. Also, best friend is eloping to her boyfriend next year in Barbados and they’ve only been dating for a little over 6 months. How is it that a guy she hardly knows already knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with her but my boyfriend and I don’t even talk about future things anymore? Even my ex-husband is remarried with a new baby. I know I should be happy for each and every one of them and I am, but it’s hard not to be envious at the same time. Maybe I’m just impatient? I feel like we are just in limbo and playing house at this point. I don't know if I’m wasting my time or not?
Ask the community | communication, marriage
“Ex-husband not sticking to court order”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Basically we have a court order in place which my ex requested out of the blue as he disappeared from our lives for nearly 2 years to live in Spain with zero contact then he took me to court saying I had made it difficult for him to see the girls. Anyway 2 years down the road and he is constantly changing the court order. Has never stuck to any of it and always letting the girls down with various reasons. The latest being that he cannot afford to feed the children despite being on 50k a year! (This is because the CMS are now deducting the maintenance from his wages and being the control freak that he is he is less than happy about this. This is his latest excuse. I got 1/2 hour free this morning with a solicitor and she advised me to not yet go back to court and I pointed out that he would not go for mediation so she suggested to write a non confrontational letter saying that I understand he is having difficulties sticking to the order and therefore as of next week contact will be as follows and propose 5 hours one Saturday afternoon. She also said to politely mention the court order and say that it will need reviewing if the above suggestion doesn't work for him. How can I politely word this in a non confrontational way as otherwise he will kick off verbally which panics me. Thanks in advance.
Ask the community | breach, legal rights
“23 and disinterested in sex”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been with my boyfriend for 4 great years. We've been living together with his dad for 3 years now. When we first started dating I was 19 and he was 21. We would really only see each other on weekends or days off during the week. I moved in with him and his father due to an family issue I had with my parents. Through all of this we had a really healthy sex life. Shortly after our relationship began I went on the pill so we could stop using condoms as it seemed I had a mild allergy to them. Our sex life was strong and healthy up until probably a year ago. I started to lose interest in sex. And anything to do with sex. I didn't care to be touched or caressed, didn't care to make out or as my boyfriend calls it explore each other. Looking back, it's not that I lost interest in having sexual relations with my boyfriend, I realised I didn't care to find other men attractive or even have a desire to be with another man. I've had a history with depression. I've thought it may play a role in this. But even when I know my depression isn't with me I still don't have a drive. My boyfriend and I looked into maybe I lost interest in sex because I wasn't keeping physically active. So I started going to yoga and it hasn't increased my drive. I don't have a lot of stress going on in my life. My boyfriend means everything to me and I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and one day have a family. But right now, it's a tough road. I know it hurts him when I tell him I'm not interested in sex, or he goes to touch me and I brush him off. I've considered it maybe being my birth control and do have an appointment made for next week to see my doctor. I just don't know what to do and it sucks knowing this may be the reason our relationship starts to break apart. Any advice is much appreciated!
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“Breaking up will break him”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, when we met we weren’t in great places. And since then things have gotten better for both of us, but my boyfriend still struggles with a lot of things like alcoholism and is continually having lapses and promising not to do it again. Where we were living we both had jobs but they were 'nowhere' jobs. And we lived with his mum, struggling week to week. I reached the stage where I was ready for more, I didn’t want to keep living like that. So I found a a good government job in the capital, one that sets you up for life. I talked it over with my boyfriend he wasn’t keen at first, but agreed that it was a good idea and that I should go and he would follow in a few months. It’s been a few months and after a huge argument over the phone it’s come out that he wants to be with me but doesn’t want to move using the excuse there is no work there for him. He then confessed that he doesn’t actually want to stop drinking and wants to stay home and live with his mum. We love each other but I have realised that we want different lives, I know the right thing would be to break up but I love him so much and I don’t want to see him waste his life which I know he will if he stays there. And I am scared if I do break up with him, he will really go off the rails.
Ask the community | decline
“Hot and cold”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So basically I met this guy on a dating site and everything was going really well, we had quite a few dates around 8 or 9 and have been speaking for nearly a month. We would talk everyday, he would message me in the morning and ask how I was every morning. We arranged to meet on Valentine's day last week and he promised me he wouldn't cancel but on the day he said someone had rang in sick at work and be couldn't make it. All of a sudden after this he started being really distant and now his morning texts get later and later everyday. I asked him the other day what was wrong and he just said he had a lot on with work etc. The past few days he has been distant but fairly talkative until today he didn't message me until the evening and only replied a few times. I have tried giving him space and being nice etc but he's been distant now for nearly a week. I am thinking the worst that he's not into me anymore but I don't know what to do whether to ask him or just keep giving him space? Last time we saw each other a week ago he was still lovely and there was nothing to suggest he wasn't into me anymore. He has just gone distant all of a sudden since when he was supposed to see me on Valentine's day so I really don't have a clue what is going on with him. Since he started being distant he will give me fast replies and ask what my plans are but then won't reply for 5 hours or even won't reply until the next day, i havent suggested meeting up as i'm taking it as he's not interested anymore but then i dont know whether me not suggesting is making him think i'm not into him anymore? I dont know whether he just texts for the sake of it now and so I'm being short with him but he's still being distant. This distance was all out of the blue it was going really well until he cancelled last Wednesday and all of a sudden he's become all distant randomly. I don't know whether I should suggest meeting or maybe be nice as I always wait for him to message me first so I don't know whether that's giving him the wrong message. He told me he's been cheated on before in the past when he did everything for his ex and she cheated on him and before he went distant he seemed genuinely nice compared to the others I've had before he was respectful etc so I don't know whether the fact he was cheated on is making him insecure etc and that's why he's stopped putting effort into me or whether it is that he's not interested anymore but I can't see how I could've made him lose interest. He also said last time we saw each other that he catches feelings quickly and easily and that he felt things had moved really quickly so I just don't know if he is genuine and maybe has ran off because he's scared due to his past and is waiting for me to put the work in or whether he is just using me?
Ask the community | someone else
“What should I say after I ignored him?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I was already in a relationship for almost a year and was no longer in love with my boyfriend when I met my this new guy. He's much older and has most of what intrigues me in a man. I got his number and I started texting first. In the beginning I just wanted to try something new. Flirt with a man, go out on fun activities because I felt bored in my relationship and restrained. I just wanted to live at that time. He replied almost immediately and he still remembered my name even though we had spoken for only a few minutes that day in the conference. He told me a few days later that he had a girlfriend but that did not matter much to me because all I wanted to do was have a little fun. I told a week later that I had a boyfriend too. But we enjoyed each other's company very much and we talked everyday for weeks. He was that ignition I needed in my life and he helped me grow in ways I didn't think I could. I felt more responsible with him, he commanded the respect I didn't think I could be humble enough to give anyone and he unintentionally made me discover things about me I didn't think I could. I was happy. So I told me boyfriend it could no longer work between us because I did not love him anymore. He had recently found out about the other guy and I and was so depressed because he thought I was leaving him for the other guy. I told him I broke up with my boyfriend and I reassured him it was not his fault because honestly I was going to leave him anyways. I found myself wanting to have a serious relationship with this new guy, I was falling for him already and I know he knew but he never made or said anything that could make me know he was liking me differently other than a girl with good company. It seemed I had already starting hoping too much that when he told me his girlfriend came in to town to see him I felt hurt and to make it worse, he did not tell me goodnight that day. He only texted me the next morning. Ever since then I decided to stop talking to him, because I did not want the hurt to grow. He did not call me that day and he only texted the next morning ask why I did not reply his texts, I still did not reply him. About a week later he called me in the morning but I did not pick up and another week later he texted me in the afternoon and begged me to reply him. I just wanted him to prove to me that I was important to him by making more than just one phone call, or sending more than just 3 texts messages in about 3 weeks. I wanted him to give a good reason to not go back to my boyfriend who still kept begging me to come back to him. But those were the only moves he made, he did not even come to my house to look for me. I am suppose to be disappointed and stay mad or just be disappointed and tell myself I guess I know where I fall. I console myself with the thought that we had not had sex even though we were close and spent a couple of nights together. But then I find myself thinking about him, keeping tabs and checking his recent activities on facebook. I even dreamed about him some nights. Meanwhile within those weeks that I ignored him I felt so sad that I hurt my boyfriend for someone who was not worth it. I eventually went back to my boyfriend even I knew sooner or later I would no longer want him. This other guy still is in my head and my heart and I do not know if I pushed him to stay with his girlfriend (because he told me once that he did not care if his girlfriend ever saw us together) or ruin any chance I had with him. I was having a hard time these past few days getting him off my mind that I intentionally called him on Whatsapp last night even though I knew he was not online. He finally came online by midnight and greeted me like nothing had ever gone wrong. I do not know what to say. I am contemplating on telling him the truth to why I ignored him all this while and just hear what he will say. Someone help please.
Ask the community | someone else
“Will I ever believe him again”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Been married 22 years, together 26. Husband as had his prostrate taken out a year ago due to cancer. He looked at porn years ago when our children were all young. It really hurt me because I am sure i always gave him sex and i was still affectionate towards him and wondered why he didnt want me. I came down and saw him in the kitchen with his zip down. He said he was reading a story, what a liar. He said he would never do it again but I found more porn on his lap top and even videos in his car of it. It shocked me because it showed he didn’t care about my feelings and how it made me feel. Now all these years later he as done it again. I asked to check his laptop to check his bank account because he had took a loan out behind my back. Told me it was for £100 then admitted it was £300. This hurt and shocked me because he done it without telling me and he had done it last year as well. Said it was to pay bills. This i will never know if its the truth or a lie. So I was looking through the bank account and I just thought I would have a nose through his recycle bin. That's when i came across the porn which was of 2 women. He said it was just a lapse and he wouldn't do it again. He said this years ago. Told him he's addicted said he's not and he doesn't know why he did it. It hurt me because he said he looked twice at it when i was out.. so not once thought to himself right i shouldn't do this I said I would never do it again but he done it the second time. Now i compare myself to these women and think he wants them and not me, also maybe he would like two women to go with. This has all knocked me and the trust as completely gone. Now I wonder if he is still looking at it when he takes his laptop with him every day. I don't want to be checking it and always thinking is he looking at it but I think that's how it will be. This is not a way to live. I have said the next thing he might do is go and find the real thing. He said he only wants me and he couldn't get it up anyway without a pump device. I said he could still do oral and that he can still climax by masturbating. What do I do, and how do you carry on with someone if the trust has gone and they say you can build it up only for them to knock it down again?
Ask the community | trust
“Am I cheating because I flirt?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my S/O for almost three years now. I am so in love. I love him with all of my heart. He is perfect, he makes me feel perfect and special. He always knows how to make me feel better. But we are getting older now, and I just feel like I sometimes am in a different stage in my life. I sometimes feel more mature. I have threatned a breakup because I have these feelings that things aren’t gonna change. He is going to be the same. He is going to still be this amazing and wonderful person but he has no head on his shoulders. He has a dream but is afraid to go for it. Or at least thats what it seems like. But i have been with him for so long that I just couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. I know he has some family issues going on right now which is the root of most of his issues but sometimes I can’t help but wonder if things would be different. Which is why I feel like I am constantly searching for something new. But I don’t want it to be our relationship. I am heavily attracted to one of our close friends and I keep having these dreams of being with him and I feel so guilty. And sometimes I catch myself flirting with him, laying down and snuggling with him and constantly thinking about him. The way I used to think of my boyfriend. But the thing is i feel like I will never stop loving my boyfriend. I love him so incredibly much so I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to feel. Am I guilty of cheating in my head? Am I cheating because I flirt with my guy friend? Am I wrong for having these sorts of dreams? I have spoken to my boyfriend about my feelings and he does know about them. But sometimes I can’t help but feel like even though I felt great after that talk and I felt so much closer to him I still keep getting those feelings of my guy friend. I just don’t know whats right and wrong anymore.
Ask the community | someone else, flirting
“A complicated marriage”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is all new to me. I have never been on any kind of forum or even asked for help/advice of any kind outside my small circle. I'm at my wits end and maybe I just need to know if I'm wrong or if it is normal for me to feel the way I do.... I am so confused! I have been married for 22 years (been together for 25 years) and we have 3 children of which two are still school going. Gosh, I dont even know how to put into words what the situation is. Of course it all started fine and life was going good until about 10 years ago. The last 10 years or so have been an emotional rollercoaster ride of note. My husband is a very dominant person and does and says things as it pleases him with no regard to anyone’s feelings. He always knows better and is never wrong. He does not take responsibility for his actions and everything is always something or someone's fault but his own. Every time I bring up something that bothers me it either ends in a silent treatment and a very strained atmosphere or the situation is turned around and it is my fault. What he says and what he does are two totally different things. He flirts and sex chats with other woman and has no time for the kids or me. He is constantly busy on his phone or PC. When I confront him on that, he always has some lame excuse or its my fault because I don't do this or that. One eg that comes to mind is I found out he bought a vibrator for another woman. When I confronted him on that, his answer was: "it wasnt an expensive one".. Seriously?? Is the cost relevant to the fact that he bought another woman a vibrator? In my mind, nothing he says can justify his actions! Six months ago we decided that we are going to separate/divorce but due to our financial situation we could not afford two households expenses. I moved out the main bedroom into the spare room. New year and our anniversary came and he told me that he didn't want to devorce me anymore. So once again we tried talking things out and he wanted to know what I needed from him to make my life easier and he wouldnt expect anything back from me. I told him that I needed his attention and that I have to be the only woman in his life and that I was not prepared to share him with other woman. Is this supposed to be a request if you choose a life partner to spend the rest of your live with? Am I asking to much? Isnt it supposed to be only me? So he has been trying really hard to give me attention and not texting when I'm with him, telling me he loves me and helping me more around the house with things and spending time with the kids, generally being a nice guy. I have to admit I do like the change in him, however he has not given up on his flirting and sex chats. Then he tells me that he doesn’t understand why I dont trust him? Over the years he has lied to me so many times that how and I supposed to trust him? He says I'm insecure and it is not his job to fix my insecurities. He is the cause of my trust issues and insecurities. What gets me the most is the flirting and sex chatting with this one girl who is as old as our daughter. I cant get past this. Its just as good as him talking to his own daughter like that. To me that is unacceptable! I’m in a catch 22 situation and I dont know what to do anymore. I can’t devorce him and leave as I have no where to go and I have no income to support myself. My whole family lives on another continant and he will not allow me to take the kids overseas, so I'm forced to stay until our youngest is 18, which is another 4 years. Am I just supposed to accept that this is who he is and he will never change and he can continue living a double life without any consequinces or any regards to my feelings? Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting to much from him? I just don’t know anymore.....
Ask the community | cheating, marriage
“Love triangle at work?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Ok, so I guess I'm sort of involved in a love triangle at work. A few weeks ago I was traveling with my co-worker and we ended up kissing. It was fun and it seemed to charge up a bit of chemistry with us. We haven't dated or anything but there has been some major flirting and texting. Nothing heavy. I was playing it cool until I found out this girl was seeing someone else at the office. I believe they were seeing each other before we kissed. Regardless it made me feel a little jilted but I bounced back. Today was valentines day and the guy she's sort of seeing brought in Valentines day candy for everyone. It's obvious he brought it over so he could give her some. So later in the day I texted her saying I got valentines day candy from this un named person. And said I think he mistook me for you. It seemed to fluster her, mind you she's been flirting with me up to this point. So after that I decided to act indifferent like I did not care. I gave her a bit of the cold shoulder treatment but was still nice to her. I acknowledged her presence but nothing like I have been doing up to today. Basically I reverted back to grade school and started to ignore her / act like she wasn't a priority. Now I could be mistaken, but this seemed to make her frustrated, and I felt like she was trying to get my attention the whole day. She left the office in a hurry with a short goodbye. It's like I got under her skin. So did I strike a nerve? Does this indicate she's confused. That she might like me too? At this point I've decided to move on because I feel a little rejected. But it was odd behaviour coming from someone who picked someone else. Why did she act so frustrated / agitated when I gave her the indifferent treatment? Am I winning? I don't expect to win her over but I'm not going to lie. It felt good to see her react this way. I don't expect her to start chasing me, that's not why I acted this way. I was simply putting on a game face. And by acting like I did not care about the situation plus giving her a bit of the cold shoulder seemed to make her a little flustered. What is this all about?
Ask the community | flirting, rejection
“Affair with best friend at work”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My best friend at work recently confessed that he was attracted to me and wanted to be with me physically. He is in a LTR and I am married. He told me he had been feeling that way for over a year and that he liked me a lot. He said he knew the feeling was mutual and the sexual tension between us was off the charts. I agreed that I was always attracted to him but I felt safe flirting with him because I'm married and he's 9 years younger than me. He was always honest with me about cheating on all his girlfriends. He said this is the longest relationship he's been in that he hasn't cheated yet. He hates commitment. He always said he doesn't want to get married because he can't imagine being with one person for the rest of his life. I told him this was crazy and it could ruin our lives and our friendship. He kept trying to convince me it would just be two friends having fun and it doesn't have to mean anything. I said I should be honest and say that at home everything is good. I really do love my husband and family and we don't really have an major issues. Two days after this conversation this guy kissed me. Not just a quick innocent kiss. He came up to me, held my face and looked in my eyes and kissed me very passionately. It was extremely intense. I stopped him and told him I needed a minute and he just held me tight and said "I've wanted to do that for so long" then we kissed some more. After that things got hot and heavy. Lots of sexting and some more make out sessions. Then we had sex. It was an amazing night. Without going into details we clearly both enjoyed it. He begged me to stay the night and I did. We had sex in the morning again. The next few weeks we talked a bit about it and if it was going to happen again but he started to get distant. I confronted him and he finally told me he felt guilty about cheating and that has never happened to him before. He said he wasn't over this whole thing he just needed time. So I tried to give him space. Then a few times just to see where his head was at I asked him if he wanted to hook up and he just said maybe but nothing happened. So I confronted him one more time and asked him flat out if all of it was just a game to sleep with me. He said absolutely not, he said he just felt guilty and he was still trying to process it. But then he tells me not to worry cause it's definitely happening again. Well after a few weeks I hadn't been sleeping right and tired of wondering what was going on I decided I needed it to be over. I told him I thought we should both agree that we lost our minds for a few weeks and we should just be friends. I said I need him more as my friend than I need to have sex with him. He agreed and that's where I left it. Things have been ok at work but now I find my self wondering what the whole point of this was. If he was ever really my friend why would he want me to risk everything just for sex? He's a good looking guy and I'm not really the type of girl people are making moves on. I'm cute at best but I'm not hot. Part of me thinks he had feelings for me and being with me scared him and part of me thinks he really just needed something to chase to get out of a rut with his girlfriend. I just hate not having answers. Does anyone have insight into this kind of thing?
Ask the community | cheating, trust, sex
“Do I have issues with trust?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with this lady since 2013 and we decided to get married in 2017. l work away so spend lots of time working. I recently found out that when l am away my partner has been seeing a guy she works with. They have been meeting since September 2016. They meet after work, have lunch, dinner, go to the movies etc and she swears that it is platonic. He buys her chocs, flowers, sends her poetry, send messages saying how much he enjoys her company. Recently he has been coming to the flat to pick her up which l obviously do not like. She flies into a rage if l raise the matter saying she has done nothing wrong. Calls me old fashioned and says that lots of women have male friends. Am l wrong to take this attitude? I also recently found out that she is still texting, maybe even sexting another guy who she went out with before she met me.. She sends him photos which l took, but does not mention me. Yet another guy in a different country thinks that he is in a relationship with her. She laughs and says that they have been friends for years, but l found out a few days ago that he does not know about me.. They have some sort of financial business going on which she denies, but l have proof. When we are together she tells him that she is with her uncle... Am l just a fool to take this? I want to leave, but love her, but l also feel that l cannot trust her. It is making me crazy.
Ask the community | trust
“My GF entertains her ex-boyfriend”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So I'm looking for opinions and advise on how I should approach this topic and if I'm right or wrong. Stuff between us started to go sideways on jan 01 2018. When we were having sex, I saw that her ex boyfriend was calling her. She fell asleep and I decided to go look through her and his messages. Now her ex didn't know for a while that she had a new boyfriend. But also there was also little contact behind the two of them. One day she told me that he messaged her on Facebook after she blocked his phone number. She had told him that she had a boyfriend but they still continued to have a conversation. She did tell me that they messaged on Facebook and she told him that she's dating someone new. but she didn't tell me what else they talked about. We've been together for a little over a year and I know I love her and she claims she loves me. Now my girlfriend texts me and says " her ex was on another girls snapchat while he has a girlfriend and a baby on the way" . okay thats fine but she didn't tell me that she went out her way to warn him and say something about it. when they were together she was beat and cheated on constantly so in my mind I'm wondering why she went out of her way to message him ? I treat her amazing and I know I do. I do everything for her that I can do. way more then I did in my past relationship. So one night she goes to bed and I'm up doing homework, she texts me out the blue and says that her best friend called saying her ex was outside her house crying and wanted to see her dog and stuff like that. So she went out there and talked for a few minutes and went back in. But recently I brought that up and there was more to the story that she didn't tell me. She didn't tell me he tried to kiss her and that she got in the car with him and went to the petrol station. Everything was okay before she told me that I didn't over react to nothing I handled it well until she told me that. I cussed her out and said some hurtful stuff. So that's the story I don't wanna lose her over this and I need to know if this is right. I was in my college classes the other day and my professor said " whats normal to them, they won't see that as an issue" which made so much sense. But right now were losing each other and I wanna fix this. S he gets defense about it and calls me insecure and childish and threatens to end the relationship but I'm neither, I think it's more just respect my wishes of the relationship. I don't really have anyone to talk to so that's why I am here.
Ask the community | ex-partner
“Partner had an affair, having his baby!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I'm Scottish I met my Australian partner and moved here 14 years ago. We have 3 children ages 11, 9 & 6. For the last two years my partner has been having an affair. We have split up and got back together due to it. Then last year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer AND thyroid cancer. I have had chemo and radiation therapy surgery and many hospital appointments its been hell and is still ongoing as my cancer is still present. During this time my partner was my rock he was there with me throughout it all. My treatment made me infertile and we were heartbroken at the loss of not being able to have anymore children. Things were going great I thought, personally that is. Then just before New Year I was hit with a bombshell. The woman he had an affair with was pregnant and despite him trying to convince her she refused to have an abortion she is convinced keeping the child will mean she traps him to being with her. She is due any week now. I cannot bear it. She apparently knew I was infertile and even my partner thinks she did this on purpose. I know she will use this child ever moment she can to get him and destroy us. My partner still talks to her as he said he is not going to abandon a child of his. I have told him I cannot be with him and don't even want to be around she lives only 15 mins away. I feel humiliated I don't want to go out of the house I feel sick at the thought of seeing people I know I cannot see any future that is happy or peaceful with her in it. He wants our children to know their new sibling and it breaks my heart I have told him she is part of his life not ours, I have no choice in them knowing the kid but she is not to be part of their lives he says he can't promise anything!! I feel like screaming. I honestly don't know how I can cope much more. The affair was bad enough but we were working through that but a child!?! having this women forever part of our lives!! I can't bear it. I feel completely broken I cry practically every day I am barely functioning. My partner has now got himself his own apartment. I have asked him what he wants and all he keeps saying is he doesn't know. I have told him I want to move away not far but far enough that we are not on her doorstep and not having to avoid places just because I don't want to run into her. But I can't do it without his help financially and I legally I cannot move too far without his permission. In theory he says yes but whenever I suggest areas he always has an excuse it has become so unbearable for me that I am even considering leaving the country for good but cannot bear the thought of leaving my children as I know that is exactly what she wants but I feel staying will kill me. I honestly don't know what to do. I'm dying inside.
Ask the community | cheating, big changes
“Feel lost and unwanted, need advice”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Ugh where do I start! Just want to say I'm so grateful to find a page where I can express myself without going to a therapist. So this might be long but I promise I have a point and I really need advice. So me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years, talking for 3 years and living for one year together. SO at the beginning of our relationship as usual for many is, soft sweet, effort , sexy and loving. So here's my main issue almost 3 years later. My man is a humble guy. He doesn't like romance, lovey dovey or affection as much. But in the beginning he did. My man doesn't have a high sex drive like I do ! BOOM! I said it ! Now lets approach the problem. I LOVE affection , attention and effort and this my friend he is lacking lately. Now we have spoken about it for awhile since we moved in a year ago. We barely have sex now, it's once in a while type of thing, its starting to become a JOB! I swear ! I get controlling as well and lead on but damn I want to be treated like he wants me as well! He doesn't want to have sex around house , he doesn't like head on the spot, he doesn't like to try new things. Its like bust a nut boom go to sleep. And I'm a freak so yea ..... Now! I have an issue with this because we used to be jack rabbits in the beginning and he made me feel so good (Loving wise, sexy , and wanted in when we wasn't living together ). Now that we are its boring. No flowers, no gifts no love, barely sex. All he wants to do is smoke and chill after work (which is understandable he has a active job) But c'mon , I'm tired too, not to mention I am a mother, I have to cook, clean, make sure things are good in the house, work and deal with this mentally. So I'm tired too but how come I always want him. I crave him , I want him to have sex with me like he actually wants it! You know, that type of fifty shades crap! Little by little things he does is urking me now. and I get turned off so easily by anything. Him not brushing his teeth before bed yuck I don't want kiss him like how I used to, him leaving a mess in house, or him just tired all the time. Now for your mental info we have spoken about this shit always, and it wasn't till recently I had a mental break down. I couldn't take it anymore! Why can't the man I love show me affection and love? Why can't he have sex with me like he actually wants me? One time he yelled in an argument "I'M NOT THE ROMEO TYPE". I was like what the hell??! lol I don't want no soft guy like Romeo but damn I'm a hopeless romantic , give me something. It's likes we're roommates. And my daughter loves this man and sometimes I feel it's a job for him with that too, showing her love and affection. At times I'm like what have I done? Am I less attractive? Is he too comfortable? I'm feeling insecure now. I don't want to force a man to love me or have sex with me. I feel it's not natural to force someone to show love and affection the way you want them. It should be equal. Well you get the point, I'm tired of typing, lol. Please help.
Ask the community | sex, intimacy
“My unsent texts”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   You show love with character, your passion, the way you speak of one another, you trust them, you don't go behind their backs and make them question your entire being. How has any of your actions proved you actually care for me. You destroyed me piece my piece and didn't even think twice, I know where I stand in your life. I understand completely people make mistakes but making them time after time over the same subjects, or even over a fucking toothbrush is where I draw the line. But I guess I didn't do too good at that. I couldn't back away from you fast enough before you ripped me to shreds. But even after everything, instead of getting a "I know how bad I hurt you" I get "I love you" and "It'll get better"'. But when? So far I've spent an entire year feeling almost entirely alone. I feel dead inside. I feel cold, empty and crowded. I get left to feel this way but then again it's not really noticed either, I hide my pain or at least I did at one point by simply staying quiet. Talking once and being done. But things were different here, you never held your end. You were never fully devout to me or you wouldn't have walked all over me as careless as you were. You never brought things up, I could be so broken and upset the night before and I never get anything more than "I'm sorry". When you've been pushed, beaten around, controlled, pushed to your limits and then forced to swim; eventually you get tired. I no longer feel like putting myself back together after one too many times of dusting myself off.
User article | trust
“Friend with benefits advice needed ASAP!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I didn't know where to post, so since my relationship is based on sex, here goes. I have a FWB who I really like. I think we are exclusive, text eachother every day (till I said we shouldn't) and have been fwb for about 6 weeks. We get along great. A couple of weeks ago I broke it off with him because I wanted more. A few days later called him up and asked if we could try again (FWB), provided he leave after & we don't text as often. I didn't want to get too attached and end up broken hearted, but changed my mind because I decided I am not ready for a serious relationship anyway. Yesterday he came over, but my 3 year old wouldn't sleep so after he waited for an hour, we decided to call it off & get together another night. I thought my kid was sick but she's not. So I want to ask him over tonight. Now I have always done the asking and he already drove quite aways to get here and back last night let alone the hour wait... But I really want to see him. I think about him alot and don't know if this can ever be more... in the meantime, should I ask him to come over again tonight or wait for him to ask? I don't drive so I have him here which is why I do the asking... But I don't want to seem desperate either.
Ask the community | sex
“Devastated and feeling lost”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hey All, I'm new on here. Feeling pretty low at the moment. My husband and I have been together for 23 yrs, married for 13 years this yr. In November 2016 (yes 14 months ago!!) he started talking to me differently, really short, came across as quite rude actually - treated me like I was a piece crap on the bottom of his shoe. At first I let it go. I thought maybe he was having a bad week in work. Then I noticed things getting worse, I'd walk into a room, he'd walk out. He'd slope of to bed without telling me he was going to bed, he started sleeping in the spare room. Then we had to spend the weekend with friends we hadn't seen in a year. This I thought was going to be very bloody painful - pretending that we're all good and everything was fine. We got away with the whole weekend, our friends didn't suspect a thing (sadly). I was dying to talk to my friend, but at the same time didn't want to spoil her weekend. When we went home, he was a little more civil to me, at least he would stay in the room when I walked in, and I noticed his tone of voice was a little nicer than the short horrible tone he'd be using before the weekend away. He spent pretty much the whole weekend on the sofa with my friends hubby - this was very normal for them two though... have too many beers and they pass out! I had to now get through Christmas and New Year for the sake of our children. In fact, the 'events' just didn't stop there. We had a family wedding to go to in the Jan and several 'big' birthday's to get through - all close family. So we got pretty good at faking it. No-one ever suspected there was anything wrong. Hubby's mother hadn't been well - she got pretty bad in the new year actually around the time of the wedding - and this is another reason why we continued to fake it. I say "we continued.." as usual this was an unspoken thing. In fact - it had been 3 months and I hadn't said a single word to him about what was happening to us or asked him why. I just couldn't bring myself to ask him, because it would then be an airborne thing... and I genuinely convinced myself... today might be the day that I get my old hubby back and this nightmare will be over. I told myself this everyday for 6 months. I couldn't take anymore. I looked stressed and had broken down in tears to two close friends. I hadn't told anyone anything about our relationship. Just kept it to myself until one day I turned up for my nail appt and my beautician asked me what was wrong. "You've got to talk to him to find out what's wrong" she told me. I knew this, I knew I had to do this but just could never bring myself to ask him. He no-longer wanted to 'go-out' with me, so date night had long gone, he was letting the kids stay up past 10pm on weekends just so that we wouldn't have 'that' conversation. It got to May 2017 before I finally plucked up the courage to ask him, what was wrong. He claimed a few tangible things... kids have got too many toys/there's too many clothes in this house/why is the cupboard in the kitchen a mess and he felt that he never saw any of his money and was upset some months we went over drawn by around £200-£300. This was it!!!! The next day I started a clothes amnesty in the house - 5 bags went! I sorted the kids toys - even did an early morning car boot sale to sell them. I sorted out the kitchen cupboard, sorted the finances so we didn't go overdrawn anymore... and then I realised... why hadn't he addressed any of these issues? Why did it have to be me that did the clothes/toy amnesty/sort the kitchen cupboard? By Christmas 2017 (13 months now passed) I realised it was never about those things, he clearly doesn't love me anymore and hasn't got the balls to tell me. So, we're now 15 months into this "co-existing" relationship. Its made me ill, I've been off work all this week with what I first thought was flu, but I feel physically drained, and I've been sleeping for approx 3 hrs in the day and getting a full night. This situation is now making me ill - perhaps stressed induced, or depression is seeping in. I'm not sure. I've not spoken to him about the situation since last May! I know I need to raise it again, but why is it always me. I've read blogs where wives have been devastated their husbands have told them 'I don't love you anymore" but you know what... at least you know where you stand. We're sleeping in separate beds still... "because I'm ill and he doesn't want to catch it!" I'm sure several of you have thought he must have a little thing on the side - trust me, my husband does not have a single minute spare... every minute every day is taken up with work or kids. He goes to the gym couple of times a week but I'm pretty sure theres nothing there. He goes there when his class is about to start and come straight home. It's not in his nature to cheat. He hates cheaters. I've never cheated on his either. I'm lost. I feel empty. I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up the family, but likewise, how can you love someone that does this to you FOR 15 MONTHS with no real explanation! I don't want to cause his mother any undue stress that would make her illness worsen, but I can't continue living like this. Any helps/ideas/tips would be greatly appreciated. As a final thing to note, we never argue, we both hate confrontation. He was my first proper boyfriend - so I've never split up from anyone!
User article | drifting apart, decline
How mindfulness may help you
Mindfulness is becoming more and more popular as a way to let go of your stress and ‘find’ yourself in the midst of your daily (and probably very busy!) life. Studies have shown [1] that practicing mindfulness helps promote positive feelings like contentment, self-awareness, empathy and self-control. It can soothe the parts of your brain that produce stress hormones and feed the areas that lift your mood. If you haven’t tried practising mindfulness, it might seem like a strange and complicated thing that you have to go to a class to learn, but there are a number of exercises you can try on your own. Practising mindfulness can even be as simple as sitting still for a few moments and concentrating on your own breathing.  There are lots of mobile apps with guided processes for mindfulness. Apps are a helpful option because you can call on them when you need them most – if you’re the kind of person who never seems to have a free moment, convenience can be everything. Even if you only have time for five or ten minutes, it can still be very beneficial.  It’s worth doing a bit of research to find an app that you enjoy using. The practice of mindfulness becomes more powerful when it becomes a regular habit, so if you don’t like the sound of the person’s voice or what they are saying, you’re less likely to want to listen to the app. Pick one that you feel you can get into!   What the research tells us We all face stressful, difficult and challenging situations, and these can have an impact on every area of our lives. It’s not realistic to expect stressful moments to go away completely. At any given moment in your life, you might find yourself dealing with stress from study, work, friends and family, money problems, and prolonged existential dread about your future and who you want to be. That’s perfectly normal – it’s how you cope with these stresses that makes the real difference. Some people cope by focusing on a problem and finding solutions and strategies to improve the situation. Other people focus on finding ways to feel better about a situation by reinterpreting it, distancing themselves, or even denying or avoiding it. When the people around you have different coping mechanisms to your own, it can be frustrating. Mindfulness can help you with your reaction to stressful events. By mentally preparing your mind and the body, you’ll start to find you can handle conflict better, and that tough situations don’t get on top of you as much as they used to. Feeling more in control can create some space for you to be the best version of yourself, which has the added side effect of making others around you feel more comfortable in your presence. The evidence for this is right here [2]. Mindfulness is geared towards experiencing the present moment, and having a moment-to-moment awareness of the world around you. Being truly present can help you become a more effective problem-solver, a better listener, and a calmer and more focused person in general.  Mindfulness is also great for your mental health. In one study, it was shown to lead to significant improvements in: Stress Depression and anxiety Sleep quality Life satisfaction [3]  So, if you’re feeling stressed or anxious, if you’re having trouble sleeping, or if you just find that life gets on top of you more than you’d like it to, you might find it useful to give mindfulness a try. Search for some mindfulness apps through your browser or phone and have a look at some reviews. Some focus on topics such as health, sleep, or relationships, and many have free versions that allow you to try them out before you commit. Try a few to find the right one for you. Have you tried mindfulness? Did you find that it made a difference? Or are you a little sceptical? Are there any apps or tools that you’d recommend? We’d love to hear your thoughts – so please do leave us a comment, or share your story.  References [1] http://franticworld.com/what-can-mindfulness-do-for-you/ [2] http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0005789404800285 Carson, J. W., Carson, K. M., Gil, K. M., & Baucom, D. H. (2004). Mindfulness-based relationship enhancement. Behavior therapy, 35(3), 471-494. `` [3] http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/early/2014/07/16/peds.2013-3164 Dykens, E. M., Fisher, M. H., Taylor, J. L., Lambert, W., & Miodrag, N. (2014). Reducing distress in mothers of children with autism and other disabilities: a randomized trial. Pediatrics, 134(2), e454-e463.
Article | mental health
4 min read
Dealing with stress
During times of changes, or important stages of your life, there is an increased risk of stress. You can’t make stress go away entirely, but you can learn to cope with it better stay healthy through times of change. Talk to someone These days, we are much better at talking about our feelings than in previous generations, but it can still be a difficult conversation to start. Remember that everyone has been through stress at some time in their lives – no matter how alone you feel, there is always someone who can relate to what you’re going through.  We all need a little help from time to time. Talk to a close friend or a trusted family member about what you’re dealing with and how it’s making you feel. You may find they are able to offer practical help but, more often, just being listened to can help you feel supported and less alone. If you have a good support network of friends or family, lean on them in times of stress. They can sometimes help you find a different perspective on things, so that you can see a path through to solving practical problems in a way that seemed impossible before Sometimes, of course, it isn’t possible to speak to people close to you. They may be involved in the issue, or you may just want to keep things private. In those instances, it can feel easier to seek support from an online community, where you can share your story or ask a question. Sometimes just getting the thoughts out of your head can help you start to see a new perspective on things. Sometimes, the best way forward is to seek professional help. Stress can be just as bad for your health as a physical illness, and deserves the same amount of attention as you would pay to any other injury. If you’re struggling with stress, your GP can offer some tips on where to get further help and may be able to refer you to a specialist.   Stay healthy Regular physical exercise can be a great boost for your mental health, making you more resilient and protecting your self-esteem. When your body is healthy, you are more likely to feel calmer, and you will find it easier to sleep at night and concentrate during the day, and generally feel better. Getting enough exercise can be as easy as taking a half-hour walk every day, so don’t worry if you don’t have the time or motivation to get to the gym. Avoid the temptation to mask your stress with alcohol or other recreational drugs. You will not make the underlying issues go away and you may end up feeling worse as the chemicals in your brain reset themselves after a binge. If you do drink, monitor your intake, or consider taking a break while you get things back on track. There are strong links between what we eat and how we feel. Cook yourself a healthy meal, with plenty of colourful fresh ingredients, and make sure you’re drinking plenty of water.
Article | stress
3 min read
Coping with depression
One in five people will experience a form of depression at some point in their lives [1]. Depression is a prolonged illness, whose symptoms include low mood, a lack of energy, a loss of interest in things you might normally enjoy, feelings of low self-worth, and changes in sleep and appetite [2]. It can be caused by difficult circumstances in your life, but it can sometimes come on seemingly out of nowhere. Some of the symptoms you might notice include: Low mood. Depression is characterised by prolonged bouts of low mood which feel very difficult to break out of. Loss of interest and energy. You may lose interest in the things you usually like doing. This can get in the way of your work, study, and social life. Concentration. Depression can affect your concentration, even to the extent that you may struggle to stay involved in a conversation. Sleep and appetite. You may experience changes in your eating and sleeping patterns. As well as disrupting your regular routines, eating and sleeping poorly can further affect your mood. Low self-worth. You may become more critical of yourself and possibly start lashing out at others too [2]. If you’ve noticed the symptoms of depression and things don’t seem to be getting any better, you should seek help straightaway. Getting support from friends and family is a great start, but seeking professional support is often the best way to cope with depression. Often, the quickest route is through your GP, who can make a diagnosis and referral. There are many forms of mental health support, but most people with depression will undertake some form of talking therapy. This can help you explore the causes and find coping mechanisms to help you move forward. You may also be given exercises to take home. In addition to any treatment you may undertake, there are many things you can do to support your own recovery: Learn about depression. Read up on depression and its symptoms to help you understand more about what you are going through and what you can do about it. You are already learning about depression by reading this article. Set aside blame. Accept that the illness is happening, and try not to blame yourself or anyone else. Remember that depression is treatable and try to focus on your recovery. Notice the signs. Try to make yourself aware of your symptoms and the things that can set off an episode of depression. Get support if things seem to be getting worse. Ask for help with practical problems. When you are depressed, problems can be magnified and may seem insurmountable. People like to help, so give them specific tasks to help with some of the practical problems in your way. Do some exercise. Get some gentle exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block or a 15-minute session from a trainer on YouTube. Exercising can have the added benefit of helping with sleep problems. Get out of the house. While it might seem easier to avoid social situations, it’s often best to try and turn up to things that you would usually enjoy. Even if you plan just to go out for half an hour, it can help break you out of a loop of inactivity and depression. Keep a mood journal. What usually makes you feel better – a morning walk? Cooking a healthy meal? Seeing friends? Keep a journal of what you’ve been finding helpful, and try to do more of it. Your journal can also help remind you that you have been making improvements, as it is often difficult to focus on the positives [3]. Going through depression is never going to be easy but, with the right support, even the most severe cases can be treated. As with any illness, you should seek professional help if you are worried. Recovery is likely to be gradual, but it is possible.     References [1] Bolton, J., Bisson, J., Guthrie, E., Wood., S. (2011) Depression: key facts. Retrieved from http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/problemsdisorders/depressionkeyfacts.aspx [2] NHS (2015). Low mood and depression - NHS Choices. Available at http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/low-mood-and-depression.aspx  [3] NICE (2009) Depression: The Treatment and Management of Depression in Adults (Update). NICE clinical guideline 90. Available at www.nice.org.uk/CG90
Article | depression
4 min read
If your relationship isn't working, but can't end it
Despite our best efforts, we sometimes find ourselves in relationships that aren’t working. We’ve made compromises, tried new things, and even changed other areas of our lives to accommodate the relationship, but it still doesn’t seem to fix things. When you absolutely know that a relationship isn’t working, it might seem like the obvious solution is to end things and move on. However, if the idea of not being in a relationship feels scarier than being in a bad relationship, you may find yourself clinging onto something that isn’t good for you. Committing to a relationship is a big decision, and one that has to be made several times over the course of the relationship. As things progress, you reassess – if it’s still making you happy, you carry on; if it’s not, you make adjustments, or you end the relationship. Making a commitment involves a range of factors. As well as thinking about how good the relationship is, you also have to consider the rest of your life. Think about your opportunities and your obligations, such as whether you are planning to move away or if you have work or study commitments that require a lot of your time. Consider also how well supported you feel in the relationship, and how much support you have available to offer in return [1]. Remaining in a relationship isn’t always the right decision. The quality of your relationship affects every other area of your life so, while a good relationship is almost always worth fighting for, a relationship that hurts you could be doing more damage than you’re aware of. Many people remain in unsatisfying relationships because of a fear of being alone. This is known as attachment anxiety [2]. For someone with attachment anxiety, the need to have a partner can feel more important than the quality of the relationship itself. There’s a sense of security, often misplaced, that comes from simply being in a relationship, even if that relationship causes you more pain than it’s worth [1]. People with attachment anxiety are more likely to settle for an unhappy relationship. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re more likely to ignore the more negative aspects of a relationship and put your energy into something that’s not working [2]. This might seem like optimism but it could leave you stuck in an unhealthy situation for longer than necessary. One sign that you might have attachment anxiety is if you tend to make more of the relationship status than the relationship quality [2]. Think about the early stages of relationships you’ve been in. After a few dates, do you find yourself anxious to start using words like ‘girlfriend’ or ‘boyfriend’? This phase can be exciting but when the labels start to outweigh the quality, it might be a clue that being in a relationship at all is more important to you than being in a good relationship. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship that you’re no longer enjoying, take a look at the other aspects of your life and see how things are going [1]. Are you doing well with your work or study? Are you seeing your friends and family as often as you’d like to? Are you keeping up with your hobbies and whatever else is important to you? A fulfilling relationship should enhance the other areas of your life, not replace them. There are always compromises to be made, but if you know that your relationship is getting in the way of other important areas of your life, and you’ve done everything you can to try and make it work, you might want to give some serious thought as to why it’s important for you to stay in it. If it’s just because you’re afraid of being alone, it could be time to take the plunge back into single life and reconnect with yourself before you look for something new.   References [1] Joel, S., MacDonald, G., & Shimotomai, A. (2011). Conflicting Pressures on Romantic Relationship Commitment for Anxiously Attached Individuals. (Report). Journal of Personality, 79(1), 51-74. [2] Spielmann, S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., . . . King, Laura. (2013). Settling for Less Out of Fear of Being Single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049-1073.
Article | drifting apart, decline
3 min read
“My girlfriend's sister came onto me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone I am 23 years old and I have been seeing my girlfriend for more than a year now and we have one of the best relationships a couple could hope for. I’ve given her a promise ring and had planned on possibly marrying her some day, we also have been living together for over a year. I am extroverted and i tend to say what’s on my mind, if something needs to be said I’ll usually be the one to stand up and say it. she is a month older than i am, she is a little bit shy but not around me. her only major problems in my opinion are that she is very jealous of her sister. she thinks her sister is so much more beautiful than her and she really looks up to her, also she tends to be extremely empathetic and she is easily manipulated by her family because of it. She gets guilted into doing things a lot. It all started on Christmas day. we went over to her parents house for xmas. her parents were there, her sister/boyfriend, her brother and his gf, 4 aunts/uncles and their kids, as well as grandparents. it was after dinner so we all decided to sit down and watch a movie while the rest of the family was in the other room around the dining room table. i was sitting on the left end of a couch and she was next to me on the right. to the right of the couch across the room was the tv. to the left of the couch was an armchair facing down the length of the couch towards the television, in the chair sat her sister and her boyfriend who lap she was sitting on. the chair wasn't reclined at all just laid back a little. well I’m sitting there looking to my right watching the movie and about 20 minutes in i feel something on my left leg.. I think to myself oh she must have bumped my leg so i move my leg over a little and continue watching the movie. 1 minute passes and once again i feel something on my leg except this time its rubbing up and down on my shin. i think to myself she must think that my leg is the couch so i start bouncing my leg and her whole foot starts moving. (mind you she is on her boyfriends lap at the time and he doesn't notice anything and my girlfriend is watching tv looking the opposite direction and i have my arm around her.) she doesn't react at all in fact she begins to pinch my pant leg with her toes and starts tugging on it. i look over at her and she is staring at me, not the movie then she smiles and winks at me. At this point im completely in shock and looking back at it now i should have opened my mouth and said what the fuck are you doing. however in my state of confusion at the time i ended up straightening out my legs so she cant reach my my leg. she repositioned herself again and tried to reach for my feet and i finally stood up and said i was going to go get a drink of water. while i was on my way back i noticed her looking me all up and down when i walked back into the room. i told(my g/f) i was ready to go and we left. Later that night i ended up talking to my girlfriend about it and told her everything that had happened and she was more or less in denial about it and didn't want to believe it had actually happened but she said she would talk to her about it next time she seen her. The next day she was at work and her sister came in and she said "so did you brush up against *'s leg at Christmas? you kinda made him uncomfortable." and her sister replied "i may have bumped his leg once or twice on accident, why does he always have to make things weird". she replied I don’t know and that was the end of that conversation. After she got home from work I asked her how it went and she said exactly what happened at work and i obviously told her I didn't think she handled it right & she needed to talk to her sister again and ask why she was trying to make moves on me etc. well then she proceeded to get mad at me because I didn't think she handled it right, in fact the very next day she made plans to go hangout with her sister and go shopping as if nothing had even happened. i told her to tell her sister she wasn't going to go hangout with her that I was going to go with her shopping so her sister ended up throwing a fit a guilting her into ditching me and going with her to go shopping. I was kinda pissed but I said whatever, her sister had some stuff to do in town first so she and I went and got some food before I dropped her off at **'s so she could ride with her sister. by the time her sister finished what she had to do in town it was almost 7pm and the day was completely gone. (Her sister) then said she didn't want to go shopping.. is it just me or does it sound like she did that just to spite me?? Anyway, later that night i told (my g/f) that i wasn't happy with what happened it and told her this may be the thing that drives a wedge between us in our relationship. i tried to explain to her that it would be life if i had a brother and my brother had a girlfriend and he was at my house for a family thing, while holding his girlfriends had walked by you and grabbed your ass. then when you told me about it not old did i not believe you but i got pissed at you for accusing him of such things. I'm more or less looking for advice on the matter and I'm not sure what i should do. im wondering how this will effect our relationship down the road and also im wondering if i should marry someone that wont stick up for me in situations like this. your thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks.
Ask the community | flirting
“Boyfriend couldn't cope with my depression”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue in December, he has since admitted that it is because he could not cope with my depression - over the past year my illness has got worse and I also self harm. Only a week before he left me I had confided in him how low I was feeling and that I felt I needed to get help.... how he thought breaking my heart would help I do not know!! I have since tried to take my life and have reached an all time low. I have moved back into my parents home (I am 26 and had been living with my ex-boyfriend for a year but we had been together for 8 years!!) and I am now getting professional help. My ex knows all this and we are in contact every day - he says he wants to stay in contact and help me get better, he even came to see me last week and he looked a mess so clearly this has not been easy on him. I am hoping as I get better we might be able to work things out - am I mad? If I ever mention us getting back together he says it is too much too soon and that he doesn't know what he wants... I just want him back. If anyone has been through anything similar your story or advice would be appreciated..... thanks
Ask the community | depression
“Do I expect too much from my husband?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary. Actually, it is now 1:30am so TODAY is our anniversary. Over a year ago I began talking to my husband about what we might do to celebrate it; have a party, go away alone together, take a special trip, a big gift...etc. Over the past year I've brought it up a few times. A month ago I tried several times to get him to have a serious discussion about plans, have both of us participate and make some progress. I bring it up, he says, "oh, yeah, hmmm, I don't know, what do you think...." and then we get distracted or I just give up trying to involve him. Finally, I said, "Our 25th Anniversary is in a week and I don't want to spend the day alone, doing nothing and feeling sad." I clearly expressed my desire for to communicate and together plan what we'd do for it and I didn't want to be the only one bringing it up and doing the planning. I spent lots of time online looking into trips--or even just an overnight in a hotel in our town. I emailed some ideas. Then I came down with a bad sinus infection and have been very sick for the past week. I gave up planning. A few days ago he said, "I made reservations for dinner at Franco's (a very nice restaurant)." He didn't ask if that's what WE'D like--he just decided that's what we're going to do. I appreciate that he made the reservation but we often go out to dinner for a birthday or anniversary--I really wanted to do something special for our 25th. Yesterday was a national holiday--so he had the day off. At dinner last night I asked him if he was thinking of taking the day off of work. For what, he asked me. For our anniversary, I said. He acted like I had just gone too far and was upset that I "expected" that. Actually, his reaction upset me more than his having to work--like I was being a ball and chain, expecting something ridiculous. He left the dinner table and walked around the house, slammed the front door hard and when he came back he was close to tears. He said he's tried to do everything he could think of to make me happy, take care of me, especially while I've been sick (I have a chronic illness plus frequent sinus infections, colds, etc.) but he was exhausted. He said he doesn't feel he can make any plans for us because I might be sick or my elderly mother might need some help. He's been--and always is--very helpful, asking me if he can get anything for me, making a special trip to the store to buy me Fritos (which I crave when I'm sick, for some reason), etc. Generally, he is very "service" oriented. If I want something he will usually do it/get it/buy it. (Not luxuries or whims--but he makes dinner every night (he likes to cook), he often brings me coffee in the am or he'll make me an ice cream sundae for dessert, etc.). I wouldn't say he spoils me but he is very solicitous. But for the rest of the evening he'll disappear until he goes to bed. I feel like we spend very little one-to-one time with each other. His excuse of not making plans because I'm always sick made me feel worse because I know my illness limits him. Anytime I am angry or disappointed with him I find myself thinking how ungrateful I am because of all he does for me. Then I get into war within myself: yes, he does this and that...but I do that and this! Can't I just be angry or sad or disappointed without weighing out whether I have a right to be or not? He's been a good provider but he's not been great in the gift/important occasion department. When I've received little or nothing from him for Christmas or Birthday, he has mentioned that he buys me presents all year long--meaning that I buy things for myself with money he's earned. (I've worked off and on but have mostly been a stay at home mom--we have a daughter, and our son has Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Other forums I've read excuse men for forgetting or being otherwise lackluster in celebrating occasions. I don't buy it. I don't think it's any harder for men to remember or plan or shop. Am I being too unreasonable, too childish for being disappointed about, once again, having a lonely, unremarkable anniversary? I thought giving us a years notice and several reminders would assure us of a wonderful time celebrating 25 years. I didn't expect him to do anything on his own--I wanted to plan it together. But I was NOT going to plan it all on my own--especially not knowing his work/vacation schedule or how much money we wanted to spend. We love each other, there's no doubt. We get along very well most of the time. We have fun and laugh together. We think alike in almost every way. However, we never have sex. There's no hot attraction between us--and really never has been. I feel embarrassed about my 58 year old, 10 lbs overweight, untoned body. He does nothing to make me feel sexy or attractive--he can't even fake that he's insanely attracted to me. Sometimes I feel like a buddy more than a woman--his sexy wife. I find myself wishing he was more like other men--more aggressive (in ALL ways), more masculine (not that he seems effeminate), less passive, timid, insecure, afraid to make any waves or take a stand. He never, ever brings up something that bothers him about me, our relationship, something we should work on, what he wants but is missing between us...I wish he would participate in our marriage, have more than a lukewarm non-reaction to everything. Sometimes I wonder if I've married a wonderful, kind and caring man, but not the right kind and caring man for me--the one who lights my fire and the one who'd fight for and protect me. Sometimes I feel like I'm the protector/defender in the family. Other times--most of the time--I can't believe how lucky I am. I feel like I need a reality check. A group of unbiased people who can tell me if I'm selfish and have expectations that are too high--or maybe I need to move on?
Ask the community | drifting apart
“My girlfriend keeps pushing me away”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years and we have a good, loving relationship. Up until about 7 - 8 months ago we have had a good sex life but things have been changing. We kiss and cuddle and hold hands when we are out and about but whenever I try to be a bit more intimate I get a brush off comment like "I thought you were going to sleep" or " Thats enough kissing i'm tired". In fact most of the time she will just turn away in a way that i cant stroke her skin or kiss her neck. This is making me feel awful and is now adding to the problems because whenever I get that rejection which is now all of the time I dont even want to cuddle her or be close because it makes me feel unhappy because I dont feel any connection and feel as though she doesnt realise how hurtful it is to me. I realsise that my reaction is probably not good either as it is making the situation worse. however I have tried to talk about it and explain how she is making me feel. Every time we have a conversation about it we argue and cry and seem to make up and everything is fine. But in fact it isn't. Nothing changes. Things that she has mentioned to me are : She feels ugly and fat, she doesn't get turned on by me anymore and that I dont realsise that the foreplay starts hours before going to bed. All these things are difficult for me to hear becasue it makes me upset about how she feels and also is a massive kick in the stomach for me. However i'm a grown up and can accept the criticism. I am always telling her how beautuiful she looks and how pretty her face and hair are and that I love her very much. As for the comments about me, well, I suppose recently over that last couple of months the romance has not been superb but I still cook for her, clean the house and try to sort out the things that she has been struggling to catch up on recently like Ironing, banking, cleaning her car etc..... With regards to romance i think deep down I am starting to give up. I used to always buy Flowers, take her out to the theatre, go for an impromptu dinner, Cook a nice candle lit dinner at home and things like that. But now I cant really be bothered. I know making love after a date is not the be all and end all but isnt that all part of the romance. The stresses on are relationship are :-She is off to Afganistan for 3 months in January !!!! -She is short of money -She is working every hour that God sends -She is upset about her weight ( and she isn't overweight ) -She was emailing a work coleague last January with quite flirty intimate chat. She left her emails open one day and I noticed the emails. She said that she was going through a difficult time and was doubting our relationship, they nearly kissed but nothing else happened and she loved me very much.- I am facing a possible redundancy - Money is a little tight but ok ! - I get annoyed when she spends all day at work then comes home to spend most of the night on facebook or checking her work emails. She gets home from work at about 8pm every night which is driving me bonkers. I am going to stop writing now because I am getting upset writing and this is a long post anyway so most people probably wont read it all anyway. I hope everyone else is well though. X
Ask the community | drifting apart
“How to convince my BF to fight for us”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My boyfriend of nearly 8 years told me on new years eve that he doesn't think that things are working and he doesn't feel the same way about me anymore - he says he stil loves me more than anything but more like a best friend, although claims that he still fancies me but he feels that we have grown apart and the spark is no longer there. He says he is soo confused as he does not know what to do, he has felt this way for a while and hoped the feeling would go away and has tried to sort his head out but it has not worked, he doesn't want to say it's over so he asked me for 2 weeks of space so he can get his head together and is saying that if he still feels the same way then he will know for sure that it is over and if he misses me then will know that there is something still there and we can take things from there. We have lived together for a year (only weeks ago he had told me how great things have been since we moved in together!!) so my life has totally been turned upside down, he has gone to his parents and said i could stay at home but i cannot face being there alone so am staying at my mums. I did not see it coming, yes the past month he has been grumpy and i agree that we have drifted appart, but we were not arguing so i never thought that things were that bad, he had hinted he was going to propose this year. The reason i feel we have drifted appart is because we no longer do anything together as i think we took eachother for granted that we live together so seeing eachother every day at home was enough - we stopped making an effort, going on dates, having fun we just used to sit at home watching tv or he would go out with his friends/go to football/rugby. i see now that we need to make more of an effort, go out together, get the fun back but all he keeps saying is that he doesn't know as what if it doesn't change things what do we do then - i can't understand why he can even think of just walking away without trying, not when we have been so happy in the past? He is a very caring person and a big softy, kissing and cuddling me, always telling me he loves (he was even telling me that this time last week!!) infact people have always been jealous at how close we are/were which is why i cannot get my head round: a) how he can think of walking away b) why his life would be better off without me as he has plenty of freedom to see his mates and do what he wants now. I don't know what to do for the best, i have packed up my half of the flat but now don't know if that was wise - will he be relieved or would it make him think 'oh no what have i done?' - i texted him to explain, saying that if he did deside to try again that i felt we shouldn't go back to living together untill it felt right. I am trying sooooo hard not to contact him too much as it is space he has asked for but i was thinking of sending him a letter - what do you advise? Another idea i had was - He is a big football fan and in 8 years i have never been to a match with him so i was thinking of buying 2 away tickets and booking a hotel; i want this to show that i want to share in his interests and for us to get away and have some fun? would this be a good idea? i thought he would appreiacte this more than flowers. Any help/suggestions would be great.
Ask the community | drifting apart
“Girlfriend cheated, I can't get over it”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Alright so I met the perfect girl about two years ago who ended up being my first love and first serious relationship. She became my girlfriend, my best friend, my EVERYTHING! Then almost a year into the relationship I was going through so stuff that made me less available to spend quality time and very stressed out which put a huge strain on our relationship. My girlfriend began to go out with her friends all of the time and I never thought anything of it because I trusted her and was busy myself so I wanted her to have fun. One day later on down the line I see a picture that she was tagged in on Facebook with this guy behind her dancing with her. We had a rule that we wouldn't dance with anyone else and when I questioned her she said they took the picture right when he got behind her to dance with her... Being the (dumb) trusting boyfriend I was I accepted what she said without question and just asked her to remove the picture. Then a couple of weeks later following that incident she had a falling out with her roommate who supposedly posted that my girlfriend cheated on me on Facebook and my girlfriend told me about it and how it wasn't true and being once again the (stupid) trusting boyfriend I was I was receptive to what she said without question. Cheating was something that i didnt think she would ever do because I knew that she loved me dearly. I began to feel my self becoming more and more unhappy primarily to the great amount of strain that was put on our relationship because of what I was going through. My girlfriend was somewhat supportive but complained and didn't like it at all one bit. I thought about things for weeks and decided to break up with her because I needed time and didn't wanna do anything bad to her like cheat or anything. She was heartbroken and begged for me back but I refused. Months later I tried getting back with her and she was not making it easy for me at all. There was another guy who she was seeing but she still loved me and it showed and I knew I just needed to be patient so I was. She then decides toget some type of birth control that required her to have an std test and come to find out she has syphilis and I was likely to have to it as well because we had sex on several occasions. Being focused on wanting to get her back I completely brushed that off when she told me and she felt like she couldn't make me waitwait for any longer because I was the best thing that's happened to her and she dropped everyone and got back with me. Weeks following I found out that she lied about a guy she said she didn't have sex with and that she cheated on me back when I was going through that stuff and her roommate had posted it on Facebook and told me it wasn't true when it really was. I was completely crushed! I couldn't do anything but want to work things out because I had just gotten her back and wasn't ready for things to end. She made a 360 degree change after for the better and has shown me that she was sorry and loves me and would never do anything like that again. It has been 7 months and still to this day, I can't seem to forget about it and I feel like its preventing me from moving on with her. Things will be good for a couple of weeks and then something will happen or I'll see something that reminds me of what she did and it just brings me back to the situation and how much it hurt me. Still to this day there has been a lingering unhappiness that I just can't get over because of what she has done and I do not know what to do with myself! I wish I could just get over it so I can move on with this girl and my life! She has done everything she possibly can to show she is sorry and to make things better. Although I do want to move on with this girl I'm not most concerned with that. What I'm mainly concerned with is what the best thing for me to do for MYSELF is. Advice would be greatly appreciated.. I have been having way too many sleepless nights..Thanks! By the way.. My girlfriend and I are both in college.. I'm 20 going on 21 and she's 19.. Going on 20
Ask the community | cheating, trust
“Married, having an affair with younger man“
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I am a married woman with children and I'm having an affair with a younger man (10 years younger) who's also in a relationship, and has a baby!! I know what we're doing is wrong but neither of us intended for it to get this far or for anyone to get hurt. My marriage is at an all time low at the moment and has been for a long long time, we just don't get on at all, constantly argue and there is no intimacy between us at all!! but I just plod on for the sake of my children - H (the other man) is more or less in the same position but he's not married just lives with his girlfriend and baby. We first started out just messaging each other general conversation but things progressed further with each of us confessing how we'd love to meet up - eventually we did at his house while his partner was out and one thing led to another!! We've recently met up in a hotel room and had the best time ever. I can't leave my marriage as it would destroy my husband and kids and he won't leave his girlfriend because of his baby, he says he can't leave her til his baby is old enough to leave home (which is a long way off!) We don't see each other as much as we'd like to as it's difficult for us to both getaway but message most days. I am at an all time low at the moment as I can't stop thinking about H and the times we do spend together 🙁 would love to hear from anyone who's been in the same position......and what I should do x
Ask the community | ongoing affairs
“My insecurity is killing our relationship”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Hello, I just didn't really want to talk about this with any of my friends and I am looking for an unbiased opinion. My boyfriend and I have been properly together for almost 7 months now and we've had our ups and downs. For this period of time we've been through so much together... through his mum being diagnosed with cancer in the very beginning of our relationship, through my personal problems involving my mum and my past, my emotional instability at some point and others. he's been by my side and I've also been there for him in every way I can. He's almost left a couple of times, but he just couldn't because he loved me too much. The truth is that we argue often, but for silly things and we always find a way to fix it. Sometimes, I feel so broken in comparison to him and other people I know. I've had a pretty emotional and rocky childhood because of my parents' separation and loads of issues concerning that, and also heartbreaks, falling out with friends,etc. At the age of 20 now I find myself so scared of loving someone, but at the same time so willing to love. I just wish I could love and let go of that fear that people always leave and that feeling that I'm never going to be good enough, because I can see how it ruins my relationships with people, not just my boyfriend, but my family and friends. I am a really nice person with a good heart, real fun and people just love to be around me. But then when they get close to me I can feel that I become this baggage for them. I am too emotional. It's so hard to fit everything I need to say to describe myself and my life at this one post. So, let's just get to the point. I am so scared of loosing my boyfriend. A few days ago he told me he didn't feel the same about me. But he explained that it's not that he loves me any less, but he gave an example: at night when we go to bed, before he'd just want to have sex with me, but now if he is too tired he'd go to sleep. I told him that's absolutely normal. After a few months of being together, especially when we've lived together for like more than half of that time, it's completely normal not to have sex every day. He also told me we spend way too much time together and he needs some time on his own to do his own things and he wanted to sleep at his room in his student halls for one night and I took this pretty badly , but still went through with it because of him. The next day when he came back to mine I was upset. I didn't like spending the night away from him. But he was so sweet. He said he missed me that night and he didn't want to spend any more nights away from me, but he just needed to do this to see how he feels. During the summer, he went back home, but he was with me every weekend and we had a lot of sex for those two days. And after he came back here for uni, we kept on having a lot of sex in the beginning and then the amount of sex we have gradually decreased. Is that okay? Does it mean that he doesn't want me anymore? Am I right to think it's normal or should I be worried about it? That's one thing that worries me. We are so good together, I can feel it. We dream of being together forever and love each other unconditionally. But we often end up arguing for really silly things such as my ridiculous jealousy (he hasn't given me any reasons to be jealous, but I am insanely jealous and insecure and I don't know how to deal with it. I apologize for being so jealous, but I think it's worse for me than for him. It just kills me inside. I'd appreciate some advice on how to deal with this as well.) or even things more stupid than that. I am actually ashamed of sharing them with you. Thank you for reading this! I am looking forward to some fresh piece of advice! Xxxxx
Ask the community | insecurity, jealousy
“Boyfriend is into transgender escorts”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ My partner of 2.5 yrs and I have just split, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. We lived together for just over a year (in my house), he's late 30's....I'm mid 30's In March this year we both changed jobs and were probably having a little bit if a stressful time. For a period after this I felt like there was something just not right between us, and although I approached him a couple of times to talk my worries over he convinced me there was nothing wrong, and in time once our new jobs had settled we'd 'get back to normal'. My mind was settled for a short time but one night in mid may I went through his computer and mobile phone. I'd like to add that I felt shocking about this, but just had to ease my thoughts. I discovered he'd been watching transvestite porn, logging into sexual social network sites for transgender escorts, seeking out cross dressers services, emailing them with enquiries, and calling them. I was shocked and confused...I didn't go to work the next day, telling him I felt under the weather. I spent all day deciding how I was going to approach this and confront him. I felt so hurt and inadequate, but equally I thought if I could speak to him calmly he'd have an explaination. At worst I thought if he was confused about his own sexuality I didn't want him to feel judged or ashamed. When he got in from work, I asked him what he'd been doing during his 2 days he'd had off that week whilst I was at work...he just said not much really, playing the Xbox, tidying etc...I asked if anything else and he started to be uncomfortable with the interrogation! Eventually I asked if he'd been watching porn.... He laughed it off...and kept saying no. He was lying... I eventually told him I knew he'd been watching it, I knew he'd emailed and telephoned male escorts... He told me I was ridiculous and trying to cause an argument... When I'd searched his computer, I printed everything off....so I gave him the print outs. He was so embarrassed, he didn't know what to say, he clearly felt completely caught out. The only explaination he could offer me was 'it was just a joke, a one off stupid joke' and he'd never do it again. I didn't know what to believe and over the course of the next couple of days I just accepted what he had said and tried to get in with life. After 6wks I felt like there was something still not right, I tried to talk to him but he repeatedly would say I was been silly and nothing was wrong. Again I checked his computer and mobile and discovered each time he'd been off work and I was at work he'd been looking at and contacting transvestite escorts, watching porn of the same nature. I asked him if he'd been doing it again and he said no, he'd never do that again and jeopardise us like that again. I confronted him with what I found again.... He'd never stopped looking, in the six wks we had since the first time I found out. He says he's never met them, but I don't know if that's true or not, he lied about the whole thing in the first place so what's to say he hasn't lied about that. During the following week we tried to make things right again, he said he didn't want to lose us, and neither did I really but I didn't understand his interests in the escorts. 5 days later we'd gone out for a family celebration, had quite a lot to drink but had a great day. That night in my drunken state I mistakingly text a male friend with a text ment for my other half. When I fell asleep he checked my phone and saw it, thought the worst and wasn't happy (naturally). Even though my friend replied the next morning with a message that made it clear what I had sent wasn't meant for him. When I woke, he said it was all over. He couldn't do it anymore, that he felt like I cheated on him!! He said he was going to his parents for a couple of days to clear his head... 2 days later I came home from work to find everything that belonged to him gone. Since that day 4wks ago he won't talk, text, meet...nothing. It's like I don't exist to him anymore and I feel like I'm greiving a death. I have been to the doctors to ask for some help as I'm finding I just can't cope, I'm constantly in a state, hardly eating or sleeping. I feel completely inadequate, hopeless, not good enough.... Was I not good enough? Did I not fill his sexually desires? Has this been going on always and I didn't know? I feel like the breakdown is all my fault - I mean a text to a friend incorrectly - is that really relationship ending stuff?? I tried so hard to get him to open up to me about what he was looking at and explain things. I tried to make him feel like he wasn't been judged so he could feel comfortable to talk. What did I do wrong?
Ask the community | pornography, rejection
“Dealing with my spoiled girlfriend”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  We’ve been together for 1.5 years( both 18) and it might be over soon. She was brought up ridiculously pampered and spoiled by her wealthy parents. She’s never had a job or had to work for anything and has enjoyed being handed things on a silver platter. I’m well off as well but I never had anything handed to me, I have a job, and spend sensibly. Basically every weekend she’ll come over and we’ll go to the mall where it’s mandatory to buy her whatever she wants. If I don't she pouts and makes me feel horrible. Sometimes she’ll ask nicely/suck up but other times she’ll just hold out her hand and say “ sweetie, money”. Since I want to be nice( and admittedly a doormat) I give in. It makes me mad though when she throws in little comments like “ You’re like a little piggy bank” or when we’re with her friends she’ll tell them how “ well trained” she has me.( that one made me sick) or what she used to do until she finally quit was I would give her the money and or credit card and she would pat me on the head like a dog and say “ That's a good boy. Give me a kiss”. I’ve always enjoyed things like going on drives, walks, movies, reading( you can’t read as a couple but still) etc. I’ve asked her before why she doesn’t reciprocate( other than xmas and birthday) and she’ll tell me “Girlfriends don’t spoil boyfriends” If we’re not shopping we’re with her friends showing off the things I bought her. If I break up with her, she will go around the school lying about me and bashing me. Do I take that risk and dump her? My family says dump her. And to make matters worse, she's excellent in bed and if I break it off then...
Ask the community | finance, compatibility
“No sex is affecting my self-esteem”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  (I'd like to apologize in advance for this being so long. There's just a lot of background information that I think is important because I feel like some parts of my story are unique; I've been doing a lot of internet research, and I've haven't found someone in a similar position.) My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 and 1/2 years, and we've been living together for almost a year and half. We started having sex about 2 and 1/2 years ago. The core problem is that I feel like we don't have sex very often and it makes me feel bad. For the most part, this has been true our entire relationship. As soon as we started having sex (about 9 months after we started dating), the frequency of intimate activity dropped dramatically; when we were still fooling around (and virgins), he would want to do something 3 or 4 times a week. Now, we'll have sex/fool around/anything maybe once or twice a month. It makes me feel unwanted, fat, and ugly. My self-esteem is in the tank. Also, because I've talked to him about this so many times, now I feel kind of dirty or wrong for wanting to have sex. And, I feel helpless because, in my eyes, I can't do anything about it. He has always been the one to initiate sex. I became too discouraged to try anymore a long time ago because he either doesn't notice when I'm trying to initiate or (when he does notice) he doesn't want to have sex. I've tried every trick in the book to turn him on, but it doesn't matter. The one time I managed to initiate he couldn't perform. So, we only have sex when he wants to, and as a result, I feel like I can't even turn him on, which makes me feel worse. He doesn't feel bad about the lack of sex. I'm not sure if he doesn't notice it, or if he doesn't need it. He says he doesn't often masturbate, and I know he doesn't look at porn. He's so busy that he usually just stays home with me, so I know he's not having an affair either. Whenever I've talked to him about it, he's never given me a reason for not wanting to have sex. Once he explained that he feels a little self-conscious because things don't always .... "work" for me easily. I've told him that I don't care and that I just wish he would show me that he loves me and finds me sexually desirable (since he doesn't tell me that I'm pretty), but it doesn't matter. To me, it's not a physical need but an emotional one. To make things worse, the reason why I'm so hard to turn on is because I don't ever expect him to follow through. He likes to "tease" me, doing the same types of things he does when he wants to have sex but not follow through. He says he needs to touch me to get turned on, but that everything shouldn't have to lead to sex, so I shouldn't worry about it. But, I can't help but feel like he doesn't want me anymore when he touches me and doesn't get turned on. So, I don't know what to do. I can't remember the last time we had sex, and I'm starting to resent him. He tried to get us to have sex a couple of weeks ago, but I was still half-asleep, and he didn't even try to make things work for me. I feel like he's becoming a selfish lover, only concerned about his needs, which was never true before. I'm desperate. I can't go through the pain and humiliation of talking to him again. I've been trying recently, and I can't get him to have sex with me either. Since I clean up after him and take care of him (which is another story), I feel like a roommate or a mother, not a girlfriend. The whole situation makes me feel terrible about myself, and the plain truth is, we're not really that compatible in terms of our interests, hobbies, etc. either. I'm starting to question whether or not I can be with him for the rest of my life, which has always been the plan. What should I do?
Ask the community | sexless, confidence
“Husband is obsessed with his family!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ We've been married ten years we have two kids. My husband spends all his free time with his family. On his way home from work he passes his brother mother and sisters house and every night has to stop and see them. He should be home by 5 but misses dinner and time with our kids because he shows up at 7 or 8. He doesn't work on the weekends but ALWAYS makes plans to do something with his mother/sisters or brother. His mother is not married and obese and needs help with everything. His sister has two year old twins and is seven months pregnant with no BF or spouse and lives with her mother as well. They ask him for help with everything and he will drop everything to go help them. I can beg him for weeks to help me with a project and it still never gets done. Even if they don't need anything he still has to hang out with them every weekend and most week nights. I like his family but I want OUR family to have some quality time alone! It's to the point that I get extremely angry when they invite us for a BBQ or birthday party or just to come over. I've begged him for alone time, he makes me feel like I'm being selfish because they need his help. It's been like this for years. Six months ago I filed for a divorce assuming he can't possibly love me he does nothing with me. He begged me to take him back for three months he wouldn't eat or sleep and lost sixty pounds...I dropped the divorce. We talked a lot about our problems during that time and I thought things would change. I found out on Facebook today that he's volunteered to refinish all the furniture for his sisters babies room this weekend! Last weekend was spent painting his other sisters new house. I don't know what to do anymore, we fight whenever I bring it up he says I'm being selfish. I want to tell every family member to leave us alone and find their own husbands...but there will still always be a BBQ or Birthday party anyways that we have to attend! I can't stand it anymore I want time with my family!
Ask the community | family, values
“My affair is tormenting me”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I need some help as I'm going through a really difficult time mentally and physically, and need to find a coping strategy. Sorry, it';s a bit of a ramble....! I've been with my wife for 12 years, married for seven, and we have a beautiful three year old daughter. We have a good standard of living, both have high profile, busy jobs, and are a good 'unit'. But, we're both deeply unhappy with our life, and have drifted apart. We function, but there is no love, no physical intimacy and no real social life. Last year, I met someone at work. I had flirted with others before and had occasional liasions. But this was completely different. The physical and mental attraction was instant; she was in a relationship at the time, but it soon ended as he walked out on her. She has three adult children from a previous marriage. To cut a long story short, our relationship quickly grew from slightly flirtatious texts and emails to a full blown physical relationship. Within a couple of months, we were head over heels in love, and trying everything to meet, texting and emailing all the time, late night chats on MSN and enjoying each other's company. We talked about living in our own little world. I started seriously considering leaving my marriage, but said to my partner that I would not leave 'for her' but 'for me'. She accepted that and never put any pressure on me. As things got more and more serious, we talked a lot about wanting to be open about our relationship, do things as a couple with other people, all the usual things. She increasingly found the separation at weekends etc. harder and harder to bear, and wanted more and more 'us' time. I found that incredibly flattering, but also very difficult as I knew I had to make a decision. My wife was out of work and my job was at risk, and I din't make the decision. Then, in May, she ended it all abruptly as she couldn't take the wanting more anymore. Within a week we were back together. In June she ended it again (while we were in bed!) after a work night out where someone had made a throw away comment about how good a life I had. Again, we were back together after a week, and she said she was reconciled to carrying on as we were. We then went our separate ways on holiday, which gave us both a chance to re-evealuate things after a difficult couple of months. We managed to text a bit while we were away, and came back really looking forward to seeing each other. To cut a long story short, she ended it again a month ago in a very bad way, just ignoring me and then leaving me to 'dump' myself by text! She had met someone else, and appears to be having a wail of a time, although that has never factored in the reasons for the split...purely timing I think. At the time I was on extended leave from work, and just fell apart. I headed to the hills, literally, for a few days. We met a few days later for a coffee and we talked a bit. Over the next couple of weeks, we stayed in touch, varying between light hearted, friendly chat, the odd slightly flirtatious message to full on emotional outpourings from me. She wanted to stay friends., but found it really hard to explain her emotions. I effectively left my wife for two weeks, but moved back in and am now in the spare room! We met last week for dinner, and I convinced myself I wouldn't be needy or emotional, just enjoy the time together. We managed that for most of the night. But at the end I said I just couldnt stay in touch as a friend. I regretted it the moment I dropped her off. Supidly I then went the other way, and asked her, at some point in the future, to marry me.....she declined! After some more chat the following day, we agreed to take a break of a few weeks, but then she texted me on Friday as she was in a meeting where my name had been mentioned. She told me how handsome I am lol! We drifted along for a few days again, but on Weds of this week, I called halt again. I just couldnt handle it. I feel so many emotions. I havent slept properly for a month, have lost a stone in weight, although thankfully I havent hit the bottle! I want what is best for her, and I don't want her to be looking over her shoulder all of the time, worrying about my emotions. I feel terrible guilt that I didn't act earlier, and tremendous sadness that we have missed a great opportunity to make things work between us. I am really struggling to stay in touch as a friend, but cannot think of life without her. Her coping mechanism is to carry on as normal, but deep down she is in a mess too....she tells me she is sick and that she loves me and sometimes doesnt sleep. If she says something even slightly flirtatious, I have hope; if she doesn't, I lose hope and think she is stringing me alone (which she isnt). If I get too emotional, I make it difficult for her, and if I don't I think she may think I don't care. I dont know how to cope, or what to do for the best. I don't know what she really wants. Her happiness is the most important. But I don't think I am strong enough to walk away for ever. I try and kid myself that one day we will be together.... romantic visions of a meeting on the eiffel tower one spring day, you know the sort of thing! But I just don't know. All I do know is that she is the love of my life, and I am hers. Keen to hear opinions.
Ask the community | cheating, ongoing affairs
“Why doesn't my boyfriend want me?”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ So my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. And we have been really happy and everything has been great up until about 3 months ago. Until then we were great. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other and he would always hug me and grab me and kiss me. He would hold my hand and do all the things a boyfriend should do. He would also initiate sex with me a lot and I would initiate it with him and it would be fantastic sex. And it would last a long time. However in the last few months he hasn't hugged me or when I try to hug him he doesnt put his arms around me. When I want to kiss him he just ignores me completely. When I go to hold his hand he just pulls it away from me. And he hasn't tried to have sex with me at all. Even when I try to initiate it he doesn't want to. I've tried everything, I've let him choose my underwear, I've bought lingerie for him, I've tried letting him decide what we do in bed, I've tried being the one who takes charge. NOTHING is working. And especially lately on the odd occasion we do have sex it's like he's not there, he doesn't touch me, he doesn't look at me, I get nothing from him. And it doesn't last that long, he either can't keep an erection or goes for about 15 minutes and just stops randomly. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm not wanted. He assures me that nothing is wrong but I just don't turn him on anymore and I want things back to how they were. I love him so much and I just don't know what to do Any ideas?
Ask the community | sex, rejection
“I don't trust my man's female friend”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi guys. I'm new here... I can't discuss this with anyone in my life, so *really* I hope you can help me wrap my head around this problem. Lately, I've been stressed by a new addition in my boyfriend's life: his female friend from work. He and I are in our 20s and have been together for two years. We've had a solid and happy relationship until this point...and it's still mostly happy as long as his "friend" doesn't come up in conversation. The summary is this: I don't trust his female friend AT ALL. And I feel that my boyfriend should be more alert to the red flags that I'm seeing from her. Henceforth I will call this girl "Lacey" and I'll call my boyfriend "Joe." Here's the facts on Joe: - He's extremely mellow by nature. - He's nonjudgmental (a little too much, in my opinion) - He's extremely loyal and respectful towards women. - He's a clear and honest communicator. - My happiness is one of his greatest priorities, but he won't compromise his values or beliefs to please me. - He gets sad about the fact that he has very few friends. He doesn't want to lose Lacey's friendship. Here's the facts about me: - I'm pretty smart and diplomatic. - I'm a pretty good judge of character and strongly dislike unethical people. - I'm not a jealous person and know that I can't change someone or dictate how to live their life. - If there is a conflict, I always scrutinize my feelings and perspective before the other person's. Here's the facts on Lacey: - She's in her mid-twenties and is single. - She comes across as attractive and normal.... until you know her backstory. - She got pregnant as a teenager and has two kids by two men. She was married to Dad#2 until he cheated. Then she started cheating WITH him on his currently-pregnant girlfriend. She felt zero guilt about this. Now Dad#1 has temporarily moved into her apartment with his new girlfriend. Lacey is now cheating with him instead. Again, she feels no guilt for doing this. Besides those scary facts, this is my biggest problem with her: She seems clueless about proper behavior when being friends with a man in a relationship. Here are some examples: - When Joe and I first started hanging out with her, we'd go out every weekend. Then I started realizing she had no interest in being friends with me. She ignored my existence 90% of the time and only talked to Joe about work or her life. Also, she would only text him, not me. I found it very rude and started not wanting to hang out with her. - While she was cheating with Dad#2, she would show Joe VERY EXPLICIT texts that Dad#2 would send her. Things like, "I wanna lick your *bleep* and make you *bleep* while you *bleep* my *bleep." I think it's very inappropriate that she showed these to my boyfriend. - She came over once to hang out. I got tired at midnight and went to bed. Instead of leaving soon after (which seems proper to me), she stayed and talked with Joe until after 1:00am. - She has asked to have dinner with Joe on a Friday/Saturday evening a few times. Once, they were out for about 6 hours. I ended up going to bed by myself. My boyfriend insisted that it was fine and normal. I feel it wasn't right. - The last time she came over, she kept pressuring my boyfriend to smoke a cigarette with her on our balcony, knowing that I wasn't happy about it. I didn't like the vibe I got from that. During this same evening, she talked about the banter she & Joe engage in through text. She sounded like a teenager bragging about thinly-veiled flirtation: "Omigod, like, he's SO MEAN to meeee! He said I was uglyyyy," she said while laughing. "Even when I make little sad faces in my text, he's still mean to meee!" ......... I just sat there like, Really? You think I wanna hear about what you two banter about? Joe insists that he knows what flirtation is, and doesn't flirt with her. - In the past month, she quit her job at the place where she and Joe worked. Now she has a lunch shift that coincides with Joe's. They've gotten lunch together a few times now. And she has posted two Instagram photos of them at lunch together. She likes referring to him as her BFF ("best friend forever"). In the second photo, she was pressed against his side with her hand wrapped around his upper arm. It was a pose that could be construed as either innocent or a bit too cozy. So that's it in a nutshell. I keep trying to avoid blaming Joe for condoning and going along with her questionable behavior (especially those dinners they used to get). I don't want to blame him because, all this time, he's been 100% upfront and honest about their interactions, and he said he'd never be inappropriate or cause problems. He also thinks I'm judging her too harshly and reading too far into her behavior. I think he's ignoring red flags, ESPECIALLY the fact that she's a shameless cheater! And I think he's egging her on by condoning questionable behavior: letting her take pictures of them together, buying her a funny shirt, texting her regularly, etc. I just don't know how to feel about this, guys. I hope you can tell me your thoughts about this. I know that asking him to end their friendship is out of the question. That's not my job as his girlfriend. But am I crazy for thinking she's behaving inappropriately? (Or is he behaving inappropriately too?) Am I crazy for thinking he shouldn't be hanging around with a woman who cheats shamelessly? Am I crazy for thinking that spending evenings alone with her is inappropriate from now on, now that they have the opportunity to get lunch together? I would really appreciate any advice or thoughts you guys have on my situation. It's so hard feeling so alone. :'(
Ask the community | trust, someone else, flirting
“Girlfriend gave oral sex to her colleague”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi everyone, This is my first time posting a question. I have been going out with my girlfriend for just under 6 years now and we have had a very stable relationship minus a few rough patches due to stress from everyday lives such as work and money. Over the last year or so we haven't really been spending that much time in the bedroom, sometimes this was due to me being preoccupied and other times her. We decided on having certain intimate nights at weekends and one in the middle of the week which I thought had brought us back to our once comfortable sexual lives. The last 2 months I've been changing jobs and have been extremely stressed after work and sometimes spent the majority of weekends applying for different roles and spending a lot of time on the phone, this is where I think the problems may have started to begin. Due to me being very busy my partner had decided to work some overtime too for extra money and to give me more time to myself (or so she had said) this was usually 1-2 nights mon-friday anywhere from 2-3 hours per evening. To cut a long story short she recently left her skype open on my laptop and she had been talking to a good girlfriend of her's about us and how she wasn't happy and how she'd been going to a colleagues place for an hour or two after work and had really gotten to like him and had developed sexual feelings for him.. without going into the details of the full conversation she had been visiting him at least once a week at his flat and performing oral sex on him after watching a movie or after he cooked her dinner. Part of the conversation was how she didn't want to pursue relations with him but really enjoyed his company and pleasing him in such a way for cooking her dinner and keeping her company and how it made her feel really good pleasuring such a nice guy and how it made her feel very powerful and attractive. Her friend was actually very shocked and didn't really condone it but the part that really hurt was that I know she was coming home to me after seeing him and I feel very betrayed knowing I've been kissing her and such without knowing. Needless to say we've now broken up and she seems truly sorry and is even willing to leave the job she works at in order to distance herself from him but I am truly lost as to what to do. Any advice would be great! Thanks
Ask the community | sex, cheating
“I hate my partner but we have a child”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  He's not a bad person. But sometimes I just feel like I hate him. Everything he says, his presence in a room just makes me want to run away. He's a good father, we have a wonderful daughter and I guess that is why I have stayed for so long. We have been together for 6 and half years and I'd say I've known things weren't right for about 5 years. Our daughter is three. I love my daughter so much and want the best for her but I just don't know if I can carry on for much longer. But how can I do that to my daughter? And it's not just taking her away from her father, we have a nice house and a good relationship with his family who help out a lot. Practically our relationship works. The logistics are good, if we split up then we would probably end up with shared custody of our daughter and I want her to have a stable upbringing and not to be carted between two homes. I want to love him... but I feel like I don't even like him. I keep thinking back to when we got together and I just think of events where I should have ended it with him. I have actually tried to end it with him more times than I can remember. Even before we had a child. But he always talks me round. Every time. I just can't leave. I don't think I have the will power. He will cry, or overwhelm me with complements, or give me a sob story and tell me what a good person I am. And then for about half an hour I feel like I want to be with him and that things will be ok. Pretty pathetic right? But then the arguments... well they're vicious. We throw insults about each others family at each other and he says stuff to me which has made me feel so worthless which I don't even want to repeat. And it's always my fault. I always start the fight. Apparently. I 'attack' him. But I'm always the one who ends up sobbing and sometimes after a fight I will just go to bed even in the middle of the day and be unable to get up again. He just won't stop. I want him to leave me alone and even hiding under the covers as a thirty year old woman and humming with my fingers in my ears won't block out the things he is saying to me. He will normally come to me once I'm completely worn out and do the whole 'you're a good person' spiel. I feel trapped. I have been suicidal. I am incredibly bitter and just feel resentful to him almost all the time. You will probably think I am a terrible mother but I'm not. We are both good parents and the really bad stuff we keep away from our daughter. She is a happy confident little girl. From the day that I got pregnant all I have cared about is making sure she is happy and healthy. I don't want to ruin that. I don't want to take her away from her lovely home and her father who she adores. I know suicide is ridiculous and that would completely ruin her life and I would never do anything but I am just really depressed and I don't know if there is any way to improve my relationship. I want to love him but it all just feels so fake when I try to act like I do... Help
Ask the community | arguments, despair
“My wife keeps texting her co-worker”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife recently took a new job. I will start off by saying she is very honest, loyal and has a history of being good friends with other men as well as women. I have never doubted her loyalty to me and continue to believe that she will be faithful. In addition, to be fair, I can be jealous at times (she never gets jealous) and have had moments of making something out of nothing on occasion. In her new job, she immediately became friends with a male co-worker who I know is mid-40s (she is 31). She insists its nothing more than a friendship and that is her intention which is all that matters. They did end up out together one night for drinks after a few co-workers left and then a few days later he bought her an expensive bottle of wine which she told me about. I attempted to blow this off trusting my wife. The issue came up when I discovered texts from this man over the course of an evening until after midnight, including songs and videos he was sending her and a 30 minute phone conversation while I was out that evening. I then looked at her computer (I know i shouldnt have) and found that they were instant messaging each other all day at work. Nothing inappropriate but it wasn't all focused on work either. I confronted her after seeing this occur over several weeks - she insisted nothing was going on, he apologized the day after he texted and called her at night and that she had no bad intentions. Since then I assume they instant message each other during work and recently was at home and saw him text her at 10pm. I asked why he was texting her and she got pissed saying i didnt trust her. I trust my wife but I dont trust this other individual that I know sits next to her and works with her every day. She asked me what I want her to do - the problem is I want her to figure it out herself that she shouldn't respond to him after a certain time period. Am I wrong? I hate fighting with my wife and we see this very differently but I don't think I am wrong.
Ask the community | trust, someone else
“My girlfriend completely shuts down”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   So, my girlfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years or so now. Things are very serious, and I definitely see myself marrying her someday. We love each other a lot and we barely fight. When we do, it's usually short-lived and we don't leave mad at each other. But on occasion, we do get into bigger fights. Today, we fought big time for the first time in a while. I explained to her why I was upset and annoyed with a particular situation. I told her why I was frustrated and exactly what I was frustrated about. She completely shut down, but was clearly upset. I kept trying to ask her what was wrong and why she was upset, but she continued to shut down. I kept trying to guess what was wrong, but I was so frustrated that I left after about 30-45 minutes of me begging her to talk to me and her literally saying nothing, but occasionally shrugging her shoulders. I didn't know how to fix the situation if she wasn't willing to talk. After I got home, she texted me a picture of some post that she saw online that explained her emotions exactly. It said: "I completely shut down when I'm upset and it is upsetting my partner. I won't talk or move I just kind of stare off into space and I am generally unresponsive. This is how my outside reacts. On the inside I am screaming at myself to move or do something but it is like my body just won't react. I want to talk to him about why I'm upset but it's like my body won't let me. He gets so mad when I won't respond but he just won't understand that I can't. I'm just so afraid that this could end our relationship and I don't want that to happen. I want to fix this." How can I work with her so we can both get what we want? Every time we fight, she will shut down because she is upset. I have no idea why she is upset and I can't help her. I'm forced to guess what is wrong and what is upsetting her, and usually I'm incorrect. I can't fix the original fight unless I know why she got upset, but she can't talk about it. How can I get her to express her concerns while being mindful of the fact that her body shuts down and won't let her talk to me when she's upset. Thanks.
Ask the community | communication, arguments
“My wife only gives me oral sex, nothing else“
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   We've been married over ten years. We love each other. Everything else is really really good. We get along, we laugh, we spend time together. We're literally soul mates.The wife will give me a bj a couple times a week and she is really really good at it. There are no problems here. I'll admit I have a really high libido, I'm strongly in the mood at least once every day but usually twice. I'm really happy with activity every day though, but our average frequency is more like every other day... unless something crazy comes up. Sometimes it's every day if things are going really good (low stress times). But again, I'm ok with every other day. I don't really enjoy masturbating any more because I would just prefer her. I do not look at porn either, no interest in that at all. No interest in other women either. She has told me she is horny about once a day. If she hugs me with any sexuality at all it's an instant erection. She likes how she makes me excited so easily. She told me it makes her feel confident and know that I'm attracted to her, which is an understatement. She's very very attractive too. She has people come up to her and flirt all the time. Here's the problem. This has been going on for quite a while now. She rarely kisses me more then 10 seconds. She may let me kiss her neck and breasts, but lips... not much. She'll let me touch her body everywhere... except her vagina. That's very very rare. And if she does let me touch there it's for less then a minute. And she will not, under any circumstances, have intercourse with me. Ever. I have talked to her about it... ALOT, and she says my size scares her... that it hurts her. I don't think I'm a monster down there. I'm about 8" depending on how excited I am. Interestingly, if I masturbate it's barely 6 inches... She's the only thing that excites me really. She has also told me I am bigger now then when we met... she might be right because I swear I used to be about 7 before, and it seems bigger. When she does oral on me I might be a little over 8 sometimes at the peak of it right before I finish when it's really intense. She also says she literally loves giving me bjs, she really enjoys it and I don't think she is lying. She also tells me it's enough pleasure for her just doing that for me. If I say I want to thrust more (I say it other ways, many other ways, dirty or sweet or clean or naughty whatever)... anyways, if I say I want to thrust more, implying I want to have intercourse, she'll let me do it orally instead. Even kinda rough and deep, whatever I want orally just no intercourse. I prefer the feeling of being completely inside whenever we do things and she can do that (deep throat) almost all the way, almost the whole time she gives me oral. When it comes to oral she does it almost anyway I want it. With oral, she will do almost anything I want. That isn't a problem at all. She is just worried I will want the same kind of feeling with intercourse, but I told her I would control myself and not try to push it in like that all way. She says she will eventually try it (we have before, we used to all the time), but she's been saying that for months now. I think it is the combination of lack of affection and no intercourse that is really bothering me. If it was just the no sex, but we kissed a lot more I might accept her reasons. If we had sex and didn't kiss I'd probably still be worried. If she let me pleasure her down there and we kissed I'd believe her reasons. Unfortunately, it's all three... little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I'm sorry if this is coming across pornographic that's not my intention I assure you. Everything else I've read is always men saying they cannot get any oral sex or any sex at all... One thing I read was a guy saying his wife constantly gave him oral all the time, but maybe that was a joke. I'm wondering if there are people who are going to say I'm really lucky that the only thing I have to do in my sex life is get incredible oral sex almost every other day. Maybe I am? I'm just really bothered by what is NOT happening. I want to be intimate with my wife again. I tell her, we talk about it. She assures me it's just my size that scares her. That it will hurt, but I say I'll be as gentle as I can be. She always open to doing the bjs as described above, no problem. But never anything else... again: little kissing, very little pleasure for her, and no intercourse. I do try to do these other things often... very often. But I'm always pushed away in one form or another. I'm really bothered by this. Am I crazy? Do I actually have it really good and I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too here? Should I worry? Why do you think things are like this? Does anyone have experience with this? Any advice would be appreciated. Maybe I need to hear how I should quit complaining? Maybe I need to hear what people think is wrong here?  Oh, and sorry for the novel of a post. I felt I really needed to spell it all out honestly to the random people on the Internet.
Ask the community | sexless, intimacy
“Husband always breaks and loses things!”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  My husband and I have only been married for a year, but we are having some real problems already. He is great around the house and helping with our new baby but he literally breaks or loses something nearly every day. It's getting to a point where I am getting so stressed and upset when I have to replace yet another thing we can't afford (or go without) that it's making me ill. I am at my wits end and have no idea how to help him take better care of things. I have tried talking to him about it and emphasising the importance of looking after posessions. It's not even just his own things he loses/breaks. It's the children's things, phones, wallets, money, keys, clothes. The list is endless. He also broke our bed, computer, camera, loft door etc. I have no doubt that each time it has been accidental, but it is getting me so down I have even thought of leaving at times. I don't want that at all as we do love each other and have a lot in common. I know he doesn't value material things as much as I do and I wonder if this is a subconcious thing, but I need some kind of advice and solution suggestions. Please help, I can't afford to carry on like this...literally!
Ask the community | marriage, new parents
“Caught my partner watching porn”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I dont know what hurt me the most. The fact i thought i knew him and thought he wasnt like that, the fact he KNOWS i dont like it and ive told him it would really hurt me or the fact he told me not to come round and pick him up and instead he'd wait for the car and meet me at mine in an hour (well now i no why he didn't want me to turn up!) Walking in on him last week really shocked me. His face when he slammed his laptop down and ran to the door and almost stopped me from coming in was wierd!! And i am SUCH a fool! Immediatly i thought porn but even though he had no pants on i still reminded myself not to assume as ironically its our 1 year anniversary next week n i thought he may be booking something. Ha!! Anyway, i asked him if it was good (i was actually only joking as i didnt see the toilet roll until after id asked it) n he said no not really n i nearly broke down in tears. Anyhow long story short i stormed out n drove home with my phone in my bag assuming he'd be ringin or txtin asking why i left but NOTHING. It took me 20-25minutes to get home n then wen he did txt he had a go at me!!! So when i phoned him (really upset and shouting) he initially said he did it for me. Later when he admitted he didnt know why he did it i then got him to admit that actually he was lieing about "doing it for me". He claims he cant remember me telling him how much it would hurt me and says its the first time he's ever done it. However im finding it hard to believe that its such a coincidence that the first time he does it since being with me is the time i walk in on him doing it. I dont know what to do. Its our anniversary on Friday n ive only just started being able to put my arms round him n let him get close in bed and kissing and this happened last wednesday! We have good sex n he does very nice things for me but the fact he obviously doesnt listen to me or care about my feelings means i'm struggling to get over it. How can i trust he wont do it again?? Please help!
Ask the community | pornography, trust
“Affair with a close friend and neighbour”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   I've been married for more than 8 years and I can say I am happily married. We are both in our mid 30's and my husband is supportive. He completely adores me! I also love him very much. I love being with him. Actually, we have that kind of relationship everybody "envies" and considers very balanced. About 3 months ago I started to have an affair with my neighbour. We both have children who are friends and we have always spent a lot of time together. It all started off innocently enough and over the years we flirted and started to become emotionally attached. We discussed and shared lot of things in past. He is intelligent person and good friend of my husband. Most of time my husband use to travel for his work. Approx 3 months back i visited his home for some work. His wife and kids were away from home. After having some normal discussion he touched me i dont know what happened to me. In moment of heat, i allowed him. Since then it happened few times more. Now i feel very unsecure. He keep asking after every few days. I deny but he says he loves me and need me. He says he wont get same feeling with his wife. He is also married and has no intention to leave his wife. I don't intend to leave my husband and my kid, but this situation is getting a little out of control for me. At least in what concerns my stability or sanity. Sometimes I just don't know exactly what I should do or what I really want. Go on with this relationship or end it? I'm getting very confused and the problem is that if I was not married to my husband, I would like to be married to this man - we also have a lot in common and that's what strikes me - how many times in your life are you supposed to meet your "soul mate"? I thought I had met mine 8 years ago when I met my husband (and I still do)? What should I do?
Ask the community | someone else, crush
“I want to know details of my wife's affair”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   My wife and I have been together for 15 years. We are very compatible and get on well but for some years we have been drifting and not appreciating one another. We have two wonderful children whom we both adore and who we love raising together. A few years ago my wife decided to focus more on herself. Where previously I would have considered that we were soul mates it was painful to see her separate from me and I couldn’t rationalize how the desire to set up a business meant no longer sharing her thoughts and feelings with me. I realized a couple of years ago that I was no longer her priority and then about a year ago I asked if she was still in love with me. She said no, nor did she know if she wanted to stay with me. I wondered about an affair but she always said that she’s too busy and that this wasn’t her. She is obsessed with time on her own, in part because of her perception that I am clingy and also mainly because she just needs a break from the kids and her day to day life. She went away for a weekend in June with some girlfriends. She mentioned that she’d met guy there that she used to go to school with. Because I trusted her I thought nothing of it. Sex has been patchy between us since having kids and we started sleeping together more regularly after this trip away. I just put it down to the fact that she’d had a good time and I felt happy that I had been able to support her in doing this. We spent some time with her family in France this summer. I needed to return home to work and my wife was very keen to stay in France for two further weeks. This confused me as she hates the countryside and she gets stressed with being alone with the kids. Clearly she wanted some time apart from me. Just before I left she mentioned that this guy was to visit her with some girls. Again, I thought nothing of it. While I was alone back home I think we spoke about three times and the communication from her was friendly but very matter of fact. Things were awful when she came back and she seemed very cold and distant. I felt suspicious of this guy and asked our son where they’d both slept. He said one thing and my wife had said another. She’d left her inbox open on the PC and I saw quite a passionate email between her and him and a photo of them together during the original weekend away and I knew that there had been an affair. When I confronted her, her reaction was to say I was crazy and that we have problems. I told her what I’d read and then she admitted emotional infidelity but she denied sex because she had her period at the time. I asked her why she did it and she said because he desired her and made her feel like she did when she was young. It turned out that while we were apart she spent hours and hours on her own reading letters from when she was a teenager and listening to music from that time too. I guess she’s having some kind of mid-life crisis, something that she recognized and promptly signed up for therapy with a relationship counsellor I’d located a few years ago to try to do something for our stagnation. This discovery has prompted the most amazing rekindling of our relationship. We have started to have an extremely active sex life and are close physically in a way that we hadn’t been in years. We have started to diet together and to exercise more. I recently ran my first half marathon and I have lost 15kg. We are attending a tantra course together and have two weekends alone planned plus concerts and holidays. We spend our evenings talking and planning and sharing and feeling very connected. For the last few years she has been telling me that there is no such thing as unconditional love. What this experience has shown me is that this isn’t true: that I am still in love with her and that I love her unconditionally. I have told her that I forgive her and I believe this. I have also apologized sincerely for all the million and one things that I did over the years to make her distance herself from me. She feels now that I really listen to her. Our children are so important to us, but I feel that our relationship is more central to our family now. The children see that we are in the bedroom more than before and don’t sleep with our pajamas on but they are happy to play with each other and we still do a lot with them. The one remaining cause for difference is that I don’t really know what happened between them so much as “nothing really happened”. My view is that if this is the case then just tell me what happened and let’s move on. Of course I have doubts that they slept together or at the very least shared our bed but I’d rather know that than feel that she continues to hide things from me. And I’d rather know this now than to discover this years later. Her view is that she is an individual and entitled to her privacy. I agree but not with regard to infidelity. I don’t want to bring it up any more and she has said that she won’t tell me although annoyingly that she was going to tell me. He lives in another country and I’ll never meet him. It hurts that she had him come to stay with our family in France especially that this was literally hours after I left to go home. But that’s it. She did what she did and it’s over. Things are great between us now, really great. I actually feel that she could fall in love with me again. Maybe she already has. So should I just stop wondering what happened during this brief affair or am I entitled to know?
Ask the community | cheating
“My wife had an affair with her boss”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi all.. I've just discovered my wife is having a sexual relationship with with her Ex boss, this has torn my world apart completely. When she started working for this company 5 years ago she was warned about the sex mad owner. I trusted her as our sex life wasn't great or very ambitious. She was never one for taking risk or trying anything new in the bedroom, and it wasn't for the want of asking on my behalf either. I offered everything from toys, group, partner swap dressing up, role playing, outside, in fact i think i tried most things without any joy. Anyway i discovered messages on her phone around 4 months ago but left it and tried to find things out for myelf. I had no luck and in the end just decided to come out with it and hey presto she came clean on everything. She said it started as friendship but a led on to more things and they have been sleeping together for about 6 months now ( so she tells me). She has broke down and is beside herself for hurting me after 14 years marriage and 20 years together. She says she dont know howit has led this far and also how it has continued as well, as she felt bad after every time... My problem is the fact I feel I'm being laughed at - as he will see it as another notch, although she says not. She has lied to me for months about where she has been swimming, shopping, her sister's. This and the fact someone else has had there hands on her makes me sick (and i have been). Any one who knows please feel free to comment...
Ask the community | cheating
“I can't get my girlfriend to be sexually active”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Hi, I'm a 25 year old man with some issues with my girlfriend. I'm posting here because I don't know if I'm crazy or if my girlfriend is. Or maybe we both are. I'm a deployed vet of 2011 and before then I was single for roughly 2 years and had not had sex in that long until January 2012 when I met my current girlfriend. We used to have sex so often it was great. I started working my old job that I had before I deployed and even as hard as it was I always made time for sex. I know that in some people they become "too tired" from work to have sex but I'm not one of those people. I still find her to be the love of my life and every day she comes home from work I'm so happy to see her. I always figure she'll want to lay with me and talk, kiss, and eventually have sex but lately this just hasn't been the case. I don't find myself to be too selfish about the sex, I don't beg for it and I try not to get mad, but when it starts being once maybe twice a week I get frustrated, start having trouble sleeping, and I'll even sleep on the couch because when she makes me stop I don't even want to be near her. Now why I think I may be wrong for wanting sex so often is because right now I'm unemployed and looking for a job so while I'm not doing much, so I think about her more and when she finally comes home I just want her, but like I said, even when I was working I wanted her daily. She has complained to me a lot that she is fat, as much as I could tell her she's not. I've heard that women who are insecure of theirselves are less sexual, like they think their man will judge her by that? She does randomly get touchy and grabby and even sexual but it seems to only be while I'm busy on the phone or playing with friends online like she's looking for that thrill. For the past two monts she started playing an mmo videogame she used to play, maybe it was to allow me to play my video games more I don't know, but now that she's playing it again, it just seems to be all she really wants to do is play. I've told her before that I don't like her playing it because it seems to take time away from our relationship but it starts arguments that don't get solved. I guess as couples get older they become less sexual and eventually resort to routine and hobbies to stay busy, I think I'll always want sex. What scares me is that life is so long and I'm only 25 and I want sex this much. How am I supposed to stay with this person when things are already getting rough a year and a half into the relationship? I've had to do things just to keep my mind off her because the last thing I want to do is push her away because of my feelings. I'll go on a drive or mow the lawn or even masterbate when it's been long enough. Also she's shown serious signs that she wants to have kids within the next 2 years and I've told her were not ready, especially with me unemployed. I've seen dozens of guys through google search with my problem and I've even gone on sites where the woman says HE won't have sex with her and its annoying to read that there are so many people refusing sex. I'm nearly 100 percent certain she isn't cheating and fulfilling her sexual needs elsewhere because she told me from the very beginning that she is a bit clingy and gets attached easily which I was ok with. I know her complete work schedule and I know when she's stuck at work for another half hour, were always talking and she nearly never gets out with friends and when she does she tells me. I feel like she's just happy touching me randomly and giving me only a couple kisses here and there. She spends almost all her time playing her game and I feel like she doesn't need me anymore. I haven't really served a purpose to her lately. It is weird though, whenever I'm gone for the night she tells me she misses me and she'll even send me nude pictures through text. This is probably all jumbled and confusing but I'm tired and can't sleep, I'm hoping someone can help me. Just an hour ago she turned me down so I got frustrated when she turned me down and fell asleep, and I came to this website. I've read that simply ignoring your girlfriend will frustrate her and make her more likely to have sex with you but I don't want to play stupid games to get what I want and I don't want to make her miserable just to get sex. There are people out there who complain that they get sex from their partner now only 1 or 2 times a month. I'd go insane or leave her. Someone help me.
Ask the community | sexless
“My wife is texting other men”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   This is my first post, and I'm writing it after having just confronted my wife over messages on her phone. About 2 months ago, I start having suspicions over the amount of texts she was getting, so rightly or wrongly I managed to get her phone (which she normally guards like a monkey with nuts). I quick skim through her messages showed me that my older brothers best friend had been texting her with some really dodgy stuff. With this information, I entered my wife facebook page, and found even more messages in her trash that she obviously thought she had got rid off. I confronted the problem then, telling her to stop talking to him. For a while it seemed to be ok, then it started again last week. I walked in to the study to find her click off of a conversation on facebook she was having with someone.. i deliberately hung around till the reply pooped up on her screen, and guess who... its that fella again!!.. this time it didnt seem to be rude though. I asked her why she was talking to him again, to which I got accused of being a control freak and not letting her talk to anyone. That night I took myself downstairs to sleep on the sofa, next morning a gave her another clean slate and said nothing of it. However the issue must be on my mind, because as soon as she left her phone unguarded i checked again. Probably the wrong thing to do, but there were no sexually explicit texts this time thatI saw, just a few with some strong sexual references, suggesting sex on the beach.. and asking her if she was all wet?! (sorry if that offends anyone). I confronted it again, once again being accused of being a control freak.. and being told I should leave. However as soon as I suggested that I would seek custody for our son, stating he deserved better than a woman that would do this to her family it all changed... she wanted relationship counselling etc. What do I do? Just so you know the background, My wife was in a previous relationship, and had 3 children. She found out he was having an affair with a man at work and so they seperated, however I have heard part conversations of other versions, stating actually my wife was sleeping with his brother (yet again more secrecy). At 21 years old I took on the role of dad to these 3 boys that I now see as my own, however I know legally I have no standing. But Joseph is mine, after a very late miscarriage two christmases ago, where we lost a daughter at 7 months, we were lucky to conceive Joseph... and he is a little star.. his first word is Dada... and to be honest is probably the reason I've stuck around.
Ask the community | cheating, trust
“I'm in love with my brother-in-law”
This post was published by a Click user. Please feel free to respond in the comments below. We sometimes edit posts to ensure Click is a safe, respectful place to share stories and questions. _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________   Before anyone answers, please know I'm not looking to be judged. In a nutshell, I want to be over this. The problem is, I have been sincerely in love with my husband's brother for years. Every year it gets stronger. My husband and I started dating when we were 17 and his brother was only in 6 grade. We got married at 19- about 8 years ago. Around 6 years ago, I developed a personal relationship with my brother in law that was totally healthy and since then have always had a soft spot. I really can't remember when it started, at least 4 years ago, I began to fall in love with him. I know it's wrong. I don't need to be told that. It's gotten to the point that when I'm around him I get depressed. I tried telling myself it's sick because he is basically my little brother but that doesn't work. I won't go on about what it is I love about him as to not justify my feelings. I tried severing any ties or chance of seeing- hearing about him but their family is close and it isn't really possible with out it seeming suspicious. My six year old son is extremely close to him and talks about him constantly. I can't get away from it. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up thinking about him. My marriage is a good one. We got married too young and are very different people. Regardless, my husband and I love each other very much and are best friends. We have moved passed the gushy part on our relationship but are mature adults. I'm a black and white person and feel like there is no situation that would ever make being with my brother in law OK. But I can honestly say I have never loved anyone the way I love him, and it's love that has grown over years. How do I get over him? I know these feelings are not healthy for me my family or my husband's.
Ask the community | someone else, crush

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